Never thought I would be doing this

[SidLyon]

Soooo...

 

I take it from all your posts that you have no intention of being honest with your wife. As I already said you come across as thinking you are "entitled" to cheat on her and trying to convince everyone (but mostly yourself) that she "deserves" it.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, you're going to have to learn the hard way, aren't you.

 

You're going to go on that business trip, share a room with this young woman and have sex. Or atleast fool around if it doesn't go that far.. Either way something is going to happen.

 

Then, you will look yourself in the mirror. Will you be able to sleep comfortably at night, not feel guilt?

 

Then the lies and betrayal, sneaking around will happen more and more until you're comfortable in justifying and lying to yourself that what you're doing isn't that bad since you're not connecting with your wife and she isn't giving you sex or intimacy.

 

Let me ask you.. When was the last time you made your wife feel special? Brought her flowers, took her to dinner? Held her hand, and just said I love you? See, this goes both ways.. You list all that she's done wrong, but what about you?

 

Three years ago, I left for a weekend, after failing to convince my wife for counseling. She promised everything would change. It did, for about a weekend.

 

So, what did you do after that weekend when she slipped backwards into old habits again? DId you push her? Talk to her? Or did you just figure oh well, enough effort has been made by me so I give up, I'm fed up?

 

Anyway, this is your life. You decide how it goes. And, can you live with your choices...If you choose to cheat, OWN it. All of it. Do not blame your wife for this. Noone is holding a gun to your head to have an affair.

 

I still think you should separate/divorce with your wife, tell her that you've met someone else and that you need to pursue this to see where it goes and let your wife go.

[SidLyon]

...

 

I still think you should separate/divorce with your wife, tell her that you've met someone else and that you need to pursue this to see where it goes and let your wife go.

 

Agreed again.

 

If it's really your last chance at happiness then go for it.

 

I'm not suggesting you don't deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life. It's just that you seem to think it's Ok to be at your wife's expense. You're also quite happy to allow this OW to participate and get her happiness and fulfillment at your wife's expense. Where does that come from?

 

This is the despicable part IMO.

[vsmini]

Soooo...

 

I take it from all your posts that you have no intention of being honest with your wife. As I already said you come across as thinking you are "entitled" to cheat on her and trying to convince everyone (but mostly yourself) that she "deserves" it.

 

It seems to be the only thing he isn't addressing because he's got no excuse on it. He's not going to tell her because he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want a divorce because he's an insecure grown man that wants the fall back of his wife. He owns his "selfishness" on the situation as if that grants him immunity from moral reproach.

[foggyandconfused]

C'mon Ladies, let be honest about one thing. You don't think most men have a secret fantasy about being with a hot young girl? Have you looked at the advertising you women so much about?

 

I do admit some of this is about just letting myself go and having the weekend of a lifetime. After so many years without affection, while trying hard to rekindle, I feel, in some ways, I deserve it.

 

Many have said I need to do the right thing and how bad it would be to look for some "action" on the side. Only a few have said that my wife deserves some of the blame in this. I do admit I am at fault, but again you women that make the generalizations that "He only thinks with his penis," "She could never be into you," "It will end badly," etc may be right in the sense of probability, but you cannot guess what will happen. Maybe at this point I feel telling her I am connecting will result in another half hearted attempt to con me into thinking things will be different. Can you really chance someone this late in the game?

 

If my friend is not into me, what is the point of her wasting time going on this trip? She worked with me for one semester, a little more than 2 years ago. I would not lose my job for hooking up with her. She is 22. She has been out of my work for years and now out of school. She has nothing to gain, professionally, from all of this. Perhaps she just wants to have a fantasy weekend of her own, before she moves on the post-college and the hectic life that comes with it. Perhaps she really could want something long term?

 

Is there any other reason, outside of liking me, that she would be wanting to do this? I am not poor, but not rich by any sense of the word. What other motives could she have?

[vsmini]

but I know that sometimes "nice guys finish last."

 

You aren't the good guy in this situation. Nice guys finish last is a saying to explain how women chase the men who are emotionally unavailable and can't appreciate the good guy yet because they haven't learned the lessons that the bad guys will eventually teach them.

 

And how are you finishing last? Is it finishing last if you are honest and up front with your wife? You probably won't feel like a winner but you'll maintain some integrity and doesn't that mean anything to you?

 

You say this is every guy's fantasy and ask if you aren't entitled to a little fun for yourself....isn't your wife entitled to the honesty you promised to give her when you got married?

[whichwayisup]

C'mon Ladies, let be honest about one thing. You don't think most men have a secret fantasy about being with a hot young girl? Have you looked at the advertising you women so much about?

 

Yeah but most don't go and hop into bed with one! That isn't an excuse or a justification to go ahead and do what you please.

I do admit some of this is about just letting myself go and having the weekend of a lifetime. After so many years without affection, while trying hard to rekindle, I feel, in some ways, I deserve it.

 

You feel you deserve it and are entitled to it. Why come here and ask for help when it seems like you made up your mind what you were going to do even before you started posting on LS? People here WILL guide you and help you as much you as need, if you truly are conflicted. It doesn't sound like you are anymore. Talking this out seemed to have reaffirmed that you should go ahead and go experience this with the young coworker.

 

I give you less than a month and it'll be a full on affair. Not just a weekend or a one time thing. You are fooling yourself if you think it'll be once.

 

Your wife is partially responsible for the issues in your marriage, as are you. But, you cheating is ALL by your own choice and blaming her, making it HER fault that you're CHOOSING to cheat (when you do have other options..Divorce, trial separation with the knowledge of each of you seeing other people, or even an open marriage) is just plain selfish and immature.

[foggyandconfused]

Let me ask you.. When was the last time you made your wife feel special? Brought her flowers, took her to dinner? Held her hand, and just said I love you? See, this goes both ways.. You list all that she's done wrong, but what about you?

 

I took her to dinner last weekend. I am always telling her how good she looks and how much I love her. I leave her notes she will see when she leaves for work, I send her emails and texts from work, I try to plan short getaways, where she is away from the stress of work and the boring reality of everyday life. I say I love you at least 3-4 times a day, sometimes more.

 

So, what did you do after that weekend when she slipped backwards into old habits again? DId you push her? Talk to her? Or did you just figure oh well, enough effort has been made by me so I give up, I'm fed up?

 

For several weeks I mentioned it almost daily. I would recommend looking for someone we could talk to, possibly a "marriage seminar," where we could learn to reconnect. After a few weeks, I just stopped talking about it.

 

Anyway, this is your life. You decide how it goes. And, can you live with your choices...If you choose to cheat, OWN it. All of it. Do not blame your wife for this. Noone is holding a gun to your head to have an affair.

 

Sorry you don't want to believe it, but my wife does share SOME of the blame, even though as a woman you are probably to blind to see it.

 

I still think you should separate/divorce with your wife, tell her that you've met someone else and that you need to pursue this to see where it goes and let your wife go.

 

I am pretty convinced that will happen. I just can't jump up right now, race downstairs and proclaim the truth. There is just too much going on right now and, to be honest, I am not sure yet I want to ruin this trip. You want me to be honest, well I am. Will I tell her? Soon enough.

 

And yes, masturbation and daydreaming is getting old. Should I always wonder what it would be like to have someone really be into me for me and show me love and affection, is getting old.

 

Most importantly, if I did tell my wife all about this and let's say she did do a 180, how would I know it is sincere and not just to pacify me?

[vsmini]

C'mon Ladies, let be honest about one thing. You don't think most men have a secret fantasy about being with a hot young girl?

 

Who denied that in the first place? We aren't slamming the fantasy but the fact that you're going to go through with it and are ignoring the fact about telling your wife.

 

Maybe at this point I feel telling her I am connecting will result in another half hearted attempt to con me into thinking things will be different. Can you really chance someone this late in the game?

 

So then...get a divorce....but you don't want a divorce and why is that? back up, right? c'mon - tell me I'm wrong on this backup business.

[bentnotbroken]

I took her to dinner last weekend. I am always telling her how good she looks and how much I love her. I leave her notes she will see when she leaves for work, I send her emails and texts from work, I try to plan short getaways, where she is away from the stress of work and the boring reality of everyday life. I say I love you at least 3-4 times a day, sometimes more.

 

 

 

For several weeks I mentioned it almost daily. I would recommend looking for someone we could talk to, possibly a "marriage seminar," where we could learn to reconnect. After a few weeks, I just stopped talking about it.

 

 

 

Sorry you don't want to believe it, but my wife does share SOME of the blame, even though as a woman you are probably to blind to see it.

 

 

 

I am pretty convinced that will happen. I just can't jump up right now, race downstairs and proclaim the truth. There is just too much going on right now and, to be honest, I am not sure yet I want to ruin this trip. You want me to be honest, well I am. Will I tell her? Soon enough.

 

And yes, masturbation and daydreaming is getting old. Should I always wonder what it would be like to have someone really be into me for me and show me love and affection, is getting old.

 

Most importantly, if I did tell my wife all about this and let's say she did do a 180, how would I know it is sincere and not just to pacify me?

 

 

She will probably be as sincere as you are right now. WWIU he doesn't want to ruin his weekend with some body's young daughter.

[foggyandconfused]

I don't want a divorce for many reasons, in order of importance:

 

1) I really love her and care about her. It is just the complete lack of any and all affection that is tearing me up. We get along great, laugh, spend time together, helping each other out. I just don't think, after years of trying, that I can snap her out of this.

 

2)I don't want to give up my standard of living and have her do the same. Nobody wants to go from living in a nice house to an apartment. Nobody wants to pay lawyers and have a public hearing of their dirty laundry.

 

3)I don't want my family to be angry and depressed.

 

4)I want to be in a happy committed relationship. It just has to be a two way street.

 

5)And yes, the thought of being alone scares me.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you don't want to believe it, but my wife does share SOME of the blame, even though as a woman you are probably to blind to see it.

She IS to blame for this issue in your marriage. I agree.

 

BUT, she is NOT to blame for you CHOOSING to go cheat on her.

 

1)Tell her "Honey, I AM taking you up on that offer - You said I could go have sex with another woman since you and I don't have sex anymore."

 

2)Just come clean and tell her the truth of how you feel and why, that it makes you sad but the best thing is to divorce because you cannot be in a marriage with no sex for the rest of your life. That you'd rather be alone than stay with her.

 

3)Lie and betray her, go behind her back and have that affair. Stay married and have someone on the side until you get caught.

[vsmini]

Most importantly, if I did tell my wife all about this and let's say she did do a 180, how would I know it is sincere and not just to pacify me?

 

And here it is - Manchild. Now you're just finding reasons and excuses not to tell her. The wife can't win at this point.

 

I swear - this is borderline trolling going on. He's going to cheat, he wants to and his wife will or will not find out. There is nothing more we can say. We've all brought up excellent points and he's shot most of them down with very strange rationalizations. Mid life crisis has to be such a pain in the butt.

 

Call these women on here blind or jaded or whatever you want - sorry we can't cheerlead for you.

[vsmini]

If wife came to you tomorrow and asked for a divorce would you give her one or fight to keep marriage together?

[whichwayisup]

I don't want a divorce for many reasons, in order of importance:

 

1) I really love her and care about her. It is just the complete lack of any and all affection that is tearing me up. We get along great, laugh, spend time together, helping each other out. I just don't think, after years of trying, that I can snap her out of this.

 

2)I don't want to give up my standard of living and have her do the same. Nobody wants to go from living in a nice house to an apartment. Nobody wants to pay lawyers and have a public hearing of their dirty laundry.

 

3)I don't want my family to be angry and depressed.

 

4)I want to be in a happy committed relationship. It just has to be a two way street.

 

5)And yes, the thought of being alone scares me.

 

Then figure out what is more important to you. A hot sex life or what you said above. Or, please discuss the open marriage with her.

 

See, I think you are afraid of telling her what I suggested earlier because then she gets a say in how this goes too. she chooses for you, and divorces you.

 

Get some counselling in to help guide you through this. LS is great and helpful but when it comes to a final decision and if you truly want help, seek counselling.

[bentnotbroken]

If wife came to you tomorrow and asked for a divorce would you give her one or fight to keep marriage together?

 

Better yet is she came home and said I got a 22 year old man who thinks I am sexy and he makes me feel passionate and alive and I am going to be with him. He would crap a brick because he didn't do for her but someone else did.

[Richard Friedman]

And no doubt when he made that commitment it was under the impression that he would get regular sex. Sex is implicit in the marital contract. Why would a man commit to be faithful to one women and write off all opportunities for sex with others if he did not think she would fulfill his needs. Marriage comes with obligations, and you can't pick and choose which ones are fun. Surely you'd agree that a man who's a breadwinner with a mortgage can't just quit his white collar job to work at McDonald's because he wants to "chill" or blow thousands in Vegas? I'd say that a woman going off sex is pretty much the same thing. Women who refuse to satisfy their husbands or even meet them halfway are not fit to be married, plain and simple.Why should a man lose his house, earnings and ability to see his kids just because his wife blows off her responsibilities?

[vsmini]

Get some counselling in to help guide you through this. LS is great and helpful but when it comes to a final decision and if you truly want help, seek counselling.

 

It just doesn't sound like he wants to do anymore work on saving the marriage or getting himself help when it comes to his self esteem. He doesn't really want help - i think he's just screaming to learn the lessons the hard way.

 

The wife suspects something I'm sure - and maybe she just doesn't care. It's hard to imagine a husband telling me how sexually unsatisfied he is and me not wondering if he was wetting his appetite on the side.

[vsmini]

And no doubt when he made that commitment it was under the impression that he would get regular sex. Sex is implicit in the marital contract. Why would a man commit to be faithful to one women and write off all opportunities for sex with others if he did not think she would fulfill his needs. Marriage comes with obligations, and you can't pick and choose which ones are fun. Surely you'd agree that a man who's a breadwinner with a mortgage can't just quit his white collar job to work at McDonald's because he wants to "chill" or blow thousands in Vegas? I'd say that a woman going off sex is pretty much the same thing. Women who refuse to satisfy their husbands or even meet them halfway are not fit to be married, plain and simple.Why should a man lose his house, earnings and ability to see his kids just because his wife blows off her responsibilities?

 

Hi Richard,

My name is Judy and I'm young, beautiful and ready to put out for you on a daily basis. I don't require mutual respect and I've just tossed all dignity and boundaries out the window. I like a man that has an outdated view of women and who is frustrated with life in general. We sound perfect for each other. Can't wait to start on my duties. Call me!

 

 

Yea........i agree that she has to meet him half way on the sex stuff or at least try (remember she has medical condition that even OP respects and is aware of) but he has to meet her half way on being honest.

[foggyandconfused]

Bentnotbroken, I must say nobody's comments have angered me, but yours. Your "pious" profile picture, wording of "in gods grace" and your know-it-all attitude and assine assumptions, make me think you are the typical religious hypocrite.

 

I am being completely sincere. I have no reason to lie to a forum of strangers.

 

And please do not make it sound like my friend is 15, or that I am at the playground trying to con some young child into sex. She is 22. Completely an adult. Completely free to make her own decisions. Don't act like she is being led blind into this.

 

Bentnotbroken, you are crass, judgemental, and typical for most people that outwardly push their religion to people. While I very much appreciate the advice I have got from all others in this forum, I wish you would just go read your bible, tell yourself how great you are, and refrain from commenting further in this thread. In all reality, people like you make me want to vomit.

[bentnotbroken]

And no doubt when he made that commitment it was under the impression that he would get regular sex. Sex is implicit in the marital contract. Why would a man commit to be faithful to one women and write off all opportunities for sex with others if he did not think she would fulfill his needs. Marriage comes with obligations, and you can't pick and choose which ones are fun. Surely you'd agree that a man who's a breadwinner with a mortgage can't just quit his white collar job to work at McDonald's because he wants to "chill" or blow thousands in Vegas? I'd say that a woman going off sex is pretty much the same thing. Women who refuse to satisfy their husbands or even meet them halfway are not fit to be married, plain and simple.Why should a man lose his house, earnings and ability to see his kids just because his wife blows off her responsibilities?

 

 

He already said there are no kids. And if you dick wanders, it should be place in time out. Same as if the woman lets her cozy become the hotel for idiots.

[bentnotbroken]

Bentnotbroken, I must say nobody's comments have angered me, but yours. Your "pious" profile picture, wording of "in gods grace" and your know-it-all attitude and assine assumptions, make me think you are the typical religious hypocrite.

 

I am being completely sincere. I have no reason to lie to a forum of strangers.

 

And please do not make it sound like my friend is 15, or that I am at the playground trying to con some young child into sex. She is 22. Completely an adult. Completely free to make her own decisions. Don't act like she is being led blind into this.

 

Bentnotbroken, you are crass, judgemental, and typical for most people that outwardly push their religion to people. While I very much appreciate the advice I have got from all others in this forum, I wish you would just go read your bible, tell yourself how great you are, and refrain from commenting further in this thread. In all reality, people like you make me want to vomit.

 

 

Your ignorance does not even allow you to know your behind is in God's grace too. I don't give two fat rat's azzes how you find my comments. You are what you are and whatever label you want to smack on me will not change the lack of integrity showing from your eyes when you look in the mirror. Be angry, be very angry then get a grip and act like you got some good sense.

 

 

In your arrogance you assumed I meant lying to us...I didn't. I meant lying your wife, that girl and yourself. Grab your bucket cause I ain't going no where.

[whichwayisup]

It just doesn't sound like he wants to do anymore work on saving the marriage or getting himself help when it comes to his self esteem. He doesn't really want help - i think he's just screaming to learn the lessons the hard way.

 

.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Just think a professional could help him figure stuff out whether the goal is to reconnect with his wife again in bed, or to figure out an arrangement, or if things lead to a separation/divorce. He's stuck and teetering in the wrong direction.

 

FC, if the rest of your family found out (if you do cheat) how would you feel? How would you feel dealing with your wife if she caught you?

[foggyandconfused]

It is funny bentnotbroken, that you use a religious picture for your avatar and a religious saying in your tag line, yet you call people names and are just posting mean-spirited comments.

 

I don't care if someone doesn't agree with me and gives me straight up advice. That is why I am here. I am not here to be abused by some lunatic, who pretends to be religious, but acts completely different.

 

Perhaps you and Jesus should do a little reflecting on your own.

[bentnotbroken]

It is funny bentnotbroken, that you use a religious picture for your avatar and a religious saying in your tag line, yet you call people names and are just posting mean-spirited comments.

 

I don't care if someone doesn't agree with me and gives me straight up advice. That is why I am here. I am not here to be abused by some lunatic, who thinks pretends to be religious, but acts completely different.

 

Perhaps you and Jesus should do a little reflecting on your own.

 

 

The avatar pic is because my kids chose it for their super hero. And I don't care what you call mean. You are who you are and I am who I am. Deal or don't...