Never thought I would be doing this

[BB07]

This young woman (his soon to be OW) is going to fall in love with him, she probably already fancies herself in love with him but she is waiting on him to give the go ahead and she thinks like most OW think that his marriage is over because he has already been confiding in her that he is unhappy Op is going to feel as if he is love with her too, due to the nature of how affairs go. The forbidden, the sneaking around, the ego feed for both of them and the sex is gonna be very good, but eventually.........this OW and you are gonna have some reality slapping you in the face. You might get caught, she might start pushing you to do something that you aren't ready for (leaving), then things will start crashing around you. You'll lie to yourself and the lies you tell to both women will come off your tongue like honey drips from a spoon. You'll be confused, conflicted and addicted to your OW, but you are gonna feel like shyte on some level for what you've done to your wife when you see the pure raw pain in her eyes and on her face. You'll have a hard time figuring out which woman it is that you really want. One of them might make the choice for you or you may lie some more and tell one then the other that it's you, so you can keep both hanging on till you figure it out. Don't believe me............read around these forums, read other forums. That's the way these things work. More often than not, when the wife gets real serious and the mm knows it..........he goes crawling back to the wife, throws the OW under the bus. Then because of YOUR actions you've devastated both woman with your selfish egotistical behavior.

 

Your wife and the OW's get the shyte end of the stick and the OP is gonna be one messed up man when he allows himself to see the truth and realize what a mess he has made of his life. That day will come sooner or later or else you will become so full of lies that you just won't care and you'll lose all sense of right and wrong.

 

Man up.......divorce your wife or tell her the seriousness of the situation and what you are already involved in and either give your wife one more chance to prove she wants you and is willing to do what it takes or divorce and go after who ever you want. Don't turn into a selfish entitled asshat who uses both woman and tells the complete truth to neither one of them. That's the way affairs work.

[RRM]

BB07, I don't think anyone on here can say for certain what will happen if this weekend actually happens.

 

Maybe the situation you describe will happen and I would say there is a possibility that it could happen, but no one knows for sure.

 

It's worth thinking about the possibilities though, but I'm sure the OP is doing that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dude's obviously been watching WAAAY too many movies on Lifetime. That along with the steady diet of Nora Roberts novels has taken a grave toll. Poor sot.

[2sunny]

well he's out on a date with her tonight - so the possibility of him getting caught before his fantasy weekend exists.

 

if his wife is paying attention at all - which she probably is more than he thinks she is - she could easily find out sooner.

 

i'd bet money he gets caught before the trip.

[foggyandconfused]

Dude,

 

If you choose the path of the affair, it will be fun, it will be unbelievable, you will feel like you're the most important person in the world, and you also will feel love like you hadn't imagined was possible. Then, it will end.

 

This is what I want, even if only for a four day weekend. It has been forever and a day since I have felt like that. You can't say for sure it will end.

 

I had such a great time tonight, going to dinner and a show with my friend, I didn't want it to end. Sigh. Back to reality, at least for now.

 

To answer a question as to why I do not ask for an open marriage. My wife would never go for it. She is fairly "traditional" when it comes to sex and relationships. She feels that I should just accept living with a roommate that "loves me." Plus, I do not want an open marriage. I want to live with a lover and a best friend, not live with a best friend and have to go elsewhere to see a lover.

 

I am going to ask her for a divorce. Just not now. I am not ready to drop the bomb just yet. I need to get things in order, see what my upcoming weekend holds, put some money aside to start anew, find a place to live (maybe with my new friend?) and all this is going to take some time.

 

After the amazing time I had tonight, I have decided I am going to pursue my "friend," with all I have. If it doesn't work out, at least I have the awesome memories of times like tonight, when we kissed for the first time. I haven't felt like that since I was a teenager. After the show, we took a long walk in the park and she told me she has never had such strong feelings for anyone. She is well aware of the complications and said that even if things don't work out, she doesn't want to wonder "what if." I feel the same. We kissed and held each other for the longest time and I cannot even describe how good it felt. How great it is to actually feel alive, and not like some stale book, stuck on a shelf, that nobody wants to read. Nobody should feel like that. It is pure misery. I have too much life left in me to throw it all away and settle for a roommate.

 

I didn't tell her about the job yet. I am hoping that in the fall, when she starts the job, that we can move in together and start a new life together.

 

We did talk about the future and she said she would like to take it one day at a time for now and see what happens. She said that if I was free of commitment, she would love to be with me, but she would never force me to make that decision. Like I am, she is enjoying this new companionship and wants to be with me, as much as we can. She also said she would be happy to have me as the man in her life and would not be embarrassed or care about the age difference, no matter what anyone else thinks. She also said her college boyfriend has moved back to Florida after graduation and she doubts she will see him again. They haven't broke anything off, but a long distance relationship, over about 800 miles, is not something she is interested in. She said it was more of a relationship of convenience and that she never felt about him the strong feelings she has for me.

 

Sometimes there is a happy ending, you know. Is this it? Too early to tell, but I am not going to do anything to ruin it and also wonder "what if." She is an amazing person; smart, motivated, beautiful, and just a joy to be with. Yes, we are falling in love with each other. Hard.

[RRM]

I'm glad you two had a wonderful night. It sounds pretty amazing.

 

I am going to ask her for a divorce. Just not now. I am not ready to drop the bomb just yet. I need to get things in order, see what my upcoming weekend holds, put some money aside to start anew, find a place to live (maybe with my new friend?) and all this is going to take some time.

 

I'm glad you're going to ask your wife for a divorce.

 

I do have two questions, would you be divorcing your wife if this woman wasn't in the picture and would you divorce your wife even if things don't work out with this woman in the near future?

 

I hope things do work out and above all I hope you are happy.

 

If you and this younger woman do end up together, feel free to ask me for advice as I have been and currently am in an age gap relationship.

[2sunny]

so if the plan now is definitely divorce... why not tell your wife you want to immediately separate? that would be a step in the right direction. since you say it's inevitable - at least you would be allowing her to understand what to expect - and be free to make decisions for your own future.

[foggyandconfused]

I'm glad you two had a wonderful night. It sounds pretty amazing.

 

I'm glad you're going to ask your wife for a divorce.

 

I do have two questions, would you be divorcing your wife if this woman wasn't in the picture and would you divorce your wife even if things don't work out with this woman in the near future?

 

Not sure what would happen if I hadn't met this amazing young woman. If things do not work out with her and I, I will still be asking for a divorce. Why not ask this second? Read my post before this one for the answer.

[RRM]

It's good to know (but unfortunate in terms of the marriage) that you will be asking for the divorce regardless of what happens.

 

It sounds like the marriage is a very unhealthy situation to be in.

[Kismetly]

This is what I want, even if only for a four day weekend. It has been forever and a day since I have felt like that. You can't say for sure it will end.

 

I had such a great time tonight, going to dinner and a show with my friend, I didn't want it to end. Sigh. Back to reality, at least for now.

 

To answer a question as to why I do not ask for an open marriage. My wife would never go for it. She is fairly "traditional" when it comes to sex and relationships. She feels that I should just accept living with a roommate that "loves me." Plus, I do not want an open marriage. I want to live with a lover and a best friend, not live with a best friend and have to go elsewhere to see a lover.

 

I am going to ask her for a divorce. Just not now. I am not ready to drop the bomb just yet. I need to get things in order, see what my upcoming weekend holds, put some money aside to start anew, find a place to live (maybe with my new friend?) and all this is going to take some time.

 

After the amazing time I had tonight, I have decided I am going to pursue my "friend," with all I have. If it doesn't work out, at least I have the awesome memories of times like tonight, when we kissed for the first time. I haven't felt like that since I was a teenager. After the show, we took a long walk in the park and she told me she has never had such strong feelings for anyone. She is well aware of the complications and said that even if things don't work out, she doesn't want to wonder "what if." I feel the same. We kissed and held each other for the longest time and I cannot even describe how good it felt. How great it is to actually feel alive, and not like some stale book, stuck on a shelf, that nobody wants to read. Nobody should feel like that. It is pure misery. I have too much life left in me to throw it all away and settle for a roommate.

 

I didn't tell her about the job yet. I am hoping that in the fall, when she starts the job, that we can move in together and start a new life together.

 

We did talk about the future and she said she would like to take it one day at a time for now and see what happens. She said that if I was free of commitment, she would love to be with me, but she would never force me to make that decision. Like I am, she is enjoying this new companionship and wants to be with me, as much as we can. She also said she would be happy to have me as the man in her life and would not be embarrassed or care about the age difference, no matter what anyone else thinks. She also said her college boyfriend has moved back to Florida after graduation and she doubts she will see him again. They haven't broke anything off, but a long distance relationship, over about 800 miles, is not something she is interested in. She said it was more of a relationship of convenience and that she never felt about him the strong feelings she has for me.

 

Sometimes there is a happy ending, you know. Is this it? Too early to tell, but I am not going to do anything to ruin it and also wonder "what if." She is an amazing person; smart, motivated, beautiful, and just a joy to be with. Yes, we are falling in love with each other. Hard.

 

OMG ... This is heartbreaking ...:sick:

[Flgirl44]

I'm a little bothered by this. I thought you were being real with us with your initial postings. I came back to see how the thread was doing and it is obvious to me you greatly downplayed the level of the relationship with your co-worker, and gave the illusion that you were willing to work on things with your wife.

 

I see the preparations you are making to divorce your wife. It would be helpful to put yourself in her shoes. Here's some of the doozies your about to drop on her:

1)I want a divorce

2)No we can't work it out

3)I'm in love with my co-worker

4)We have been planning our life together behind your back

5)I have been planning and saving for months so that this transition would be the most comfortable for me.

 

I'm not trying to be an a-hole but I thought you were a nicer person based on your first entries. Could you talk to your mother about what you are doing/ going through? If you can't then it's probably not the way you were raised or what you should be doing.

 

Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness, just not at the expense of those you claim to care about. That makes you of little integrity. So please reconsider, there is still time to go about it the right way so that your wife may leave with some dignity and respect. Remember her face at the altar the day you married her. Please don't treat her so badly.

[Bittersweetie]

Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness, just not at the expense of those you claim to care about. That makes you of little integrity.

 

Excellent point. I learned this the hard way.

 

OP, I see so much of myself in your posts and I feel like yelling, stop! What are you thinking? But it is obvious that you are not ready to hear about the reality of what you are embarking on. So, all I will say is good luck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You mean dudette.

 

Yep. "Sigh." I think our struggling auteur needs to find a better creative writing class, though. This story is ... tired.

[jlola]

OMG! This is such a train wreck waiting to happen!!!! FOG please read up on the "Science of Love" I have no time to search for links now as I am running out the door.

 

But understand we are all hard wired to fall HARD through infatuation for up to 3 years due to chemicals in our bodies that act like drugs. So during that "in love" phase your common sense goes kaput almost like a person on drugs. You cannot see reality no matter what. NOONE will be able to give you advice.

 

As someone else pointed out, the logical brain is not developed till person is 25(I thought it was 27) so young people are even more prone to mistakes and illogical infatuation. Young people fall into "Infatuation easily". Too easily I'm afarid, but you don't want to hear that.

 

Of course she now thinks life with you would be great and sees no obstacles besides your wife. But believe me when those "love drugs" leave her body in a couple of years reality that she is with a man who is

25 years older or so will hit her square in the face. Also, many women who marry young or get involved with a man at a young age go through an early mid-life crisis as they NOW feel they have missed out on sowing their wild oats.

 

So if you have time look up "Women's infidelity" and the "Science of love". remember we areALL biologically programmed to fall in love HARD for up yo 3 years. Then after we sort of fall into a amture love with less butterflies and obsession. This is what people do not understand and when love chemiclas leave, immature people either get divorced or have affairs not realizing how easy it is to now fall in love with a new person. People who do not protect their boundaries are at high risk for affairs and "falling in love" Serial monogamy is common for these immature people. Relationships that last till they find someone else who gives them that "in love feeling".They are more in love with the FEELINGS of being in love and do not understand the word love or relationships.

[foggyandconfused]

I'm a little bothered by this. I thought you were being real with us with your initial postings. I came back to see how the thread was doing and it is obvious to me you greatly downplayed the level of the relationship with your co-worker, and gave the illusion that you were willing to work on things with your wife.

 

I see the preparations you are making to divorce your wife. It would be helpful to put yourself in her shoes. Here's some of the doozies your about to drop on her:

1)I want a divorce

2)No we can't work it out

3)I'm in love with my co-worker

4)We have been planning our life together behind your back

5)I have been planning and saving for months so that this transition would be the most comfortable for me.

 

I'm not trying to be an a-hole but I thought you were a nicer person based on your first entries. Could you talk to your mother about what you are doing/ going through? If you can't then it's probably not the way you were raised or what you should be doing.

 

How about I move into a hotel today? Would that make me a "better person?" I tend to think I am a good person. I have worked to try to resolve this for years. Up until I met my friend about six months ago, I was faithful and a good husband. After years of being neglected (yes I was neglected) I should just rip my own life apart, move into an apartment or hotel and suddenly break things off? Why should I? After years of trying to solve this problem all the women here seem to think I owe my wife something. What about the years of my unhappiness and feeling totally alone? Nobody owes me for that, do they? It has to be all about how I can do this to minimize the hurt to my wife? I have been hurting for years!

 

I know to many in this forum nothing I do in this situation will be good enough. I am going to do, for the first time in a LONG time, what is best for me. For years, nobody else has looked after what is best for me and I have not either.

 

I very sad things turned out this way. Wasting ten years with a woman that ultimately doesn't care about my feelings or what is important to me gives her the right to what? My utmost respect? How long should I beat this dead horse to try to work it out? One final try? Waste another six months? Spend thousands going to counseling alone, because she won't go? Should I buy a blow up doll and be happy I have a good roommate?

 

I am going to do this where I can make the best possible transition. For once, I am looking after me. It is long overdue.

[Mme. Chaucer]

How about I move into a hotel today? Would that make me a "better person?" I tend to think I am a good person. I have worked to try to resolve this for years. Up until I met my friend about six months ago, I was faithful and a good husband. After years of being neglected (yes I was neglected) I should just rip my own life apart, move into an apartment or hotel and suddenly break things off? Why should I? After years of trying to solve this problem all the women here seem to think I owe my wife something. What about the years of my unhappiness and feeling totally alone? Nobody owes me for that, do they? It has to be all about how I can do this to minimize the hurt to my wife? I have been hurting for years!

 

I know to many in this forum nothing I do in this situation will be good enough. I am going to do, for the first time in a LONG time, what is best for me. For years, nobody else has looked after what is best for me and I have not either.

 

I very sad things turned out this way. Wasting ten years with a woman that ultimately doesn't care about my feelings or what is important to me gives her the right to what? My utmost respect? How long should I beat this dead horse to try to work it out? One final try? Waste another six months? Spend thousands going to counseling alone, because she won't go? Should I buy a blow up doll and be happy I have a good roommate?

 

I am going to do this where I can make the best possible transition. For once, I am looking after me. It is long overdue.

 

I'm sure your wife has been basking in marital bliss herself this whole time. I can only imagine the joy !

 

You are representing yourself as a pathetic, weak, self pitying individual full of misplaced entitlement. Your young "friend" probably won't go for such a "man" for long. Of course, since she is cheating too, maybe the match is suitable.

 

You write like a 16 year old girl, so there's that connection ...

[RRM]

I'm not sure where all this sexist and stupid crap such as "you write like a 16 year old girl" is coming from, but I think it's insulting and doesn't add anything to the conversation personally.

[foggyandconfused]

C'mon now, all you have to do is look at Chaucer's posting history and you can see she is a fine example of humanity, who proudly insults people and adds nothing constructive to the conservation, even though her own life has been a miserable mess. She was a heroin addict, in an abusive relationship, and was a cheater, among other things.

 

That is a role model I would listen to.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You make plans. You review options. You make one last ditch effort. These two are adults and the have no Children together (20 yo son from previous marriage). More like a break-up to me.

 

The OP is much like his screen name and is somewhat stuck in the euphoria of a new relationship. His wife has told him, she loves him, but does not and will not be intimate with him and thinks that is enough.

 

Unfortunately he has gone too far and there maybe no turning back, but that is his decision and actually I hope to hear how his spouse responds....

 

She knows full well what she has done to him and can't be naive or surprised by what will happen and I won't be sorry for her..... Frankly if anyone gave him a difficult time, he should tell them 4 TIMES IN 6 YEARS!!!!!!!

[Eve]

If I was going to write some novel, I would pick a much more interesting story than this. Think what you want, Eve. I am sure it kills you to know that a guy is finally doing something about a sad situation, without bowing down to the wife that has been the primary cause.

Am I doing things in the proper order? Probably not. My #1 priority, for the first time in a long time, is now myself.

 

I am leaving for dinner and a concert with my friend in about an hour. I can't wait. She said she bought a new outfit to wear to the concert tonight. I can't wait to see it.

 

No, my posts (in one way or another) really have been about you freeing yourself. It doesn't 'kill me' at all to see you continuing to leave your Wife in the dark... what will be will be.

 

As I said, it looks like you will have to continue and basically see where this path leads you. I don't think you are able to direct yourself in any other way, at all. There is no choice here for you. You will only wake up when the secret is broken..

 

... I suppose putting up with the situation within your marriage for so long has sadly made you unable to act like a man in terms of openly resolving your problems and managing your own life. Now you can only feel like a man when secretly planning to cheat on your Wife.

 

This is a deep lesson in many respects for other readers, who by and large clearly see where the true gaps lie within all of this.. if it is in fact true.

 

Anyhow, keep posting for as long as it is helpful.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Mme. Chaucer]

C'mon now, all you have to do is look at Chaucer's posting history and you can see she is a fine example of humanity, who proudly insults people and adds nothing constructive to the conservation, even though her own life has been a miserable mess. She was a heroin addict, in an abusive relationship, and was a cheater, among other things.

 

That is a role model I would listen to.

 

And this is your first time here on LS? Really? (:p:p)

 

I was a stripper, too. Don't forget that.

 

Actually, my severe screw-ups in life, and the difficult steps I had to take to make changes for my own benefit, and amends where they have been owed to others, have provided me with a very solid platform for giving sound advice. Take it or leave it!

 

In my personal circumstances, leaving dishonesty, abuse, sleaziness, self pity, self righteousness, self destructiveness and entitlement behind - taking responsibility for my own misery rather than blaming others, and doing what I needed to do to get right with myself and my near and dear ones - has enabled me to have a very fulfilling life full of love and creativity. And, to face with honor situations that are painful, difficult, but need to be dealt with.

 

I have to wonder why you post stuff like this here. Just for fun? Obviously nobody (besides Dick, so far) buys into your sad tale that is supposed to excuse lying and cheating.

 

Anyway, I'm sure after the initial devastation of betrayal, your wife would be happy to be out from under your pall - if this tale was anything more than a chuckle-worthy fiction.

 

Isn't it about time for a post from either your "friend," or your wife now?

[Garrgoil]

Foggy, this is from your first post in this thread:

 

 

 

I had an college intern, two years ago, that I never thought a whole lot about, until recently.

 

About 6 months ago, she asked me to lunch and we have begun having lunch 3-4 times a month and spending some time together on the weekends.

 

 

...and, this next quote is from Post No. 247 earlier this morning:

 

 

Up until I met my friend about six months ago, I was faithful and a good husband.

 

 

 

 

You met her two years ago, right?

[RRM]

How would you know this, being so new and all? You couldn't possibly have time to read 1500 posts and romance a 22 year old.

 

Unless you are the 22 year old.

 

It doesn't take reading thousands of posts to get a feel for where some posters have been.

 

That said, bringing up things from other threads generally isn't all that helpful.

 

Foggy, this is from your first post in this thread:

 

...and, this next quote is from Post No. 247 earlier this morning:

 

You met her two years ago, right?

 

I assumed that he meant that he met this girl again after the two years, six months ago.

[foggyandconfused]

She interned for me a little more than 2 years ago. During that time, we never saw each other socially.

 

About six months ago, she called me and we met for lunch. We have been hanging out regularly ever since.

[Garrgoil]

I am not sure why foggy is looking at this gf as the love of his life and putting her up on such a pedestal.

 

She pursued foggy by asking him out to lunch. She made the first move. She is in her last year of college, networking with the guy she interned for. When they are not making goo goo eyes at each other they are probably talking shop. Foggy thinks she doesn't know he's got a job lined up for her. Maybe she doesn't. But it sounds like professional advancement is her likely objective. Otherwise it just means foggy is more or less lining up the job to try to maintain a hold on her affections. Not good either way. (Since when does anyone want a job lined up by their prospective lover with no input into the hiring process?)

 

The sharing of a single room on the four day trip is also a very bad move. It's not necessary for the romance, and it looks bad professionally. Get separate rooms and act professionally. You are on the trip to work, so work. Do your job. If she has no professional function for being there she can go sightseeing or try to network with other professionals who will be there as well. If you can't justify paying for the room as a business expense on your company's dime then she should pay her own room expenses.

 

There is absolutely no reason for foggy to pay for this woman's travel or hotel expense. If it's a legitimate business expense his company should pay. If it's not a legitimate business expense and she is there to be with foggy, she should pay her own way.

 

There are all kinds of issues pertaining to this romance, cheating, and you have discussed them already. What I am bringing up is that you are supposedly on a business trip so remember that.

 

If after hours she wants to pay you a visit then she's free to do that (or not do that) as the case may be. It might be kind of awkward if you only get a single room for the two of you and it turns out to have all been a big tease on her part, or some kind of a set-up to make a harassment claim (or insinuate it, that's just as good actually in your situation). If you only get a single room you are at this woman's mercy forever. A couple of years down the road if things don't go so well between you she will have the goods on you.

 

Also I get that you are having the butterflies and this chick is a hottie but seriously....she sounds like one pretty cold and calculating 22 year old to me. She's got a boy friend, at first she said nothing to you about him likely never seeing her again from your earlier posts on this thread. Then last night during your date she just coldly disposes of him, oh well he's long distance, see ya bye.

 

Unfortunately foggy if you are selecting your new soul mate, look carefully at what you're choosing. This little chickie is not only cheating with you on her college bf, she's also willing to go with you on this business trip and allow your employer to foot the bill for her share of the expenses--not to mention she knows you're married and that doesn't seem to phase her.

 

I think we all get that you are enraptured with the notion that somehow this chick loves you or you can make her fall in love with you whatev, it's not just sex.

 

There's more to a person than sex, though.

 

You called yourself foggy and confused, it's apt. Anyone in your position would be, right?

 

Now three days later, a good night kiss, some lovey dovey talk, and suddenly you're no longer foggy and confused? I think you still are.

 

You would do well if you can really think hard back six months ago WHY this chick was motivated to track you down and WHY she kept going out with you to lunch and WHY she has this interest in you all of a sudden. And how did you somehow get the notion to line up a job for her?

 

It amuses me that so many posters here at Love Shack think it is you who are taking advantage of her. She's not the person who will have to go through the divorce; you are. She's not the person possibly putting her job at risk through a sexual harassment beef, you are. She's not the person who helped your professional advancement, you helped hers.

 

There's no fool like an old fool. I'm not saying you're "old" or a "fool," but look at it from HER point of view....

 

what EXACTLY does she "see" in you?