Never thought I would be doing this

[vsmini]

Foggy still won't answer me and I've asked two different times if he's tried therapy.

 

If you haven't that really sucks because you almost come off as one of those people that complains about how bad they have it yet do very little to actually improve their situation. Yes, I know this is just an online posting forum and things are not as simple as they seem but really....you can't honestly expect a marriage to improve until you've used some resources and that includes professional help.

 

Are you willing to go to therapy with your wife? If not....it looks like you're just begging for a reason to leave.

 

Keep in mind though...that when this 20-something is in her forties and you are in your mid-sixties you might not be up to par in the bedroom yourself....and how would you like it if she found herself a nice young man to complete her fantasies?

[foggyandconfused]

Not to say that I have done all I can, but I have tried, really hard, to address the issues at home, to the point where she gets pissed and will not even talk about it. I have tried to suggest therapy, visiting medical professionals to see if the problem can be solved, taking romantic vacations, doing things to make her feel wanted and sexy, etc.

 

She has even said "if you want sex, go get some." I do not think she is serious about it, but even though I have told her it is much more than that, I don't think she believes it. She just thinks I want to have sex all time time. I try maybe twice a week. How is that abnormal for a married couple?

 

Besides her loss of sex drive, she just seems to have lost all showings of affection. A long kiss at night, before bed, maybe some foreplay, would be fine, if she was into it. The few times she does do things like that, it is painfully obvious she is taking one for the team and her heart is not really into it. We never yell or have big fights, we get along fine, go places together, everything is pretty normal, except that she stopped showing affection, besides saying "I love you" about 5-6 years ago.

 

I thought for a while, several years ago, that she may be cheating, but know she is not. She may be going through early menopause. She says it runs in her family.

 

I am not salivating over a piece of meat. Yes, my 22 year old friend is slim, beautiful, and I am extremely attracted to her physically. However, that pales to the emotional connection we have and continue to make.

 

Could I have had someone like her, years ago, if I wanted? Probably. Her physical appearance really is secondary to the emotional connection. I could spend $1000 and spend the night with someone who looks like a magazine model, if that is all I wanted.

 

This is more about the emotional connection than just wanton sex. I have had enough serious relationships in my life and can honestly say I have never had the "butterflies" and just plain longed to be with someone, like I do with her. It is so intense and I have never experienced anything like this. I have never been in a relationship and been so attracted to someone else.

 

Maybe I am trying to justify an affair, but I am just speaking openly and honestly about how I feel. I do not need to justify it to strangers in a forum, or convince you of anything. I just am looking for someone to talk to, because I obviously can't talk to this to anyone I know, for fear of being judged, thought to be a freak, or outed to my wife.

[foggyandconfused]

As I mentioned before, I have not tried therapy. We made one appointment years ago and they wanted her to go by herself the first time. She didn't like it and never went back.

 

I have never went because I do not think I am the one with the problem. Maybe that is my ego talking, but I have done a lot to try to strengthen the bond between us, from reading books on the subject and trying to share them with her, to planning getaways together, to always complimenting her and trying to understand how she feels. Am I the perfect husband? Hardly. But, I really have tried for years to change the way things are. Maybe I am not trying hard enough, I don't know. I am very saddened to know that, even though I have expressed, in no uncertain terms, how important this is, it just seems to fall on deaf ears.

 

I feel I am at the end of my rope and am emotionally starved. I have been this way for a long time. She makes me feel alive and I know she cares deeply about me. Maybe she wants a weekend of sex. At this point, I am almost ready to say that is fine with me. God knows I could use some attention and affection.

[vsmini]

In regards to the butterflies you speak of - those could very well be from the thrill of the chase, chemistry or newness of the relationship you have with her. Being married you know that someday those butterflies will go away.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage and cannot break the wall down between yourself and your wife you have to tell her that things need to change or therapy needs to happen or a separation or divorce is not far behind. It isn't a threat but a reality. You need to deal with your wife first. Maybe you don't want a divorce - I don't blame you but a poor marriage with an affair on the side is much worse.

[Flgirl44]

I personally wasn't asking for justifications, I outlined the ones you used in your own post quite nicely.

 

You keep going on and on about your emotional connection with this OW. Well what do you want with your wife then? There's no sex with your wife and you are pouring your emotional intimacy elsewhere. And soon your sexual intimacy as well. What is left between you and your wife besides the comfort you get? It seems like the marriage is over and you just want the cake and eat it too.

[Irishlove]

She is playing you. She is a 22 yr old that can not possibly have anything in common with you. You might lose your job and in this economy it's not worth a piece of arse. You are so in the wrong. You have already made room arrangements so you obviously are going to go through with it. My two cents is its dumb. You haven't even tried to talk to your wife to see if she'd step it up. Ask her if she is serious about you streying and having an open relationship. Do the right thing. The young girl doesn't need (an old man in her eyes). Are you going to pay her bills? Knock her up? You are playing with fire. Keep your job, your pride and your penis. No cheerleading here brotha

[Minnie09]

OP says it loud and clear. He doesn't WANT to divorce.

I think that says a lot about how committed he is to either woman. They both just serve a certain purpose. The W provides the companionship and the stable home, the co-worker the ego-boost. It's really sad.

As so very often in these situations, the MP is merely interested in his/her own benefits, self-centered and selfish. And usually they try to justify their behavior (in a forum, and later, when they're busted, to the rest of the world).

Classical example of a cake-eater.

[foggyandconfused]

I know the reality is that I will probably get divorced, because I do not think things will change. I have tried for years, in many ways, to no avail.

 

Right now I just want to explore this and enjoy actually feeling like I am worth something. Is that all that hard to understand? This is the first time I have felt truly alive in years. It will be veryhard to walk away from it, even though I know the dangers and disaster it could cause. I am still trying to convince myself to "do the right thing," although what exactly is that? Continue to hope things will change and be supportive of a woman who doesn't take my pleas for any kind of affection seriously? I feel sometimes you have to do things for yourself. I am usually not a selfish person and spend a lot of time doing things of all kinds for other people. I just think it is my time to be selfish and not push away the one person that has been great to me and makes me feel special.

 

I guess I am very liberal when it comes to "family values" and really feel that sex outside of marriage should not be a huge deal, in certain situations. I think if people were more open and not so repressed about sexuality and the "unholy" nature of it, (mostly spouted off by religious groups and those that subscribe to their teachings) that mankind as a whole would be a lot better off.

[Memphis Raines]

I am a married, mid 40's manager of a media company. I had an college intern, two years ago, that I never thought a whole lot about, until recently.

 

About 6 months ago, she asked me to lunch and we have begun having lunch 3-4 times a month and spending some time together on the weekends. We have never kissed, held hands, or done anything sexual, yet.

 

We have talked about our s ex lives, sex with other people, and flirted with each other. We always hug each other when we meet and before we leave. The hugs get longer and longer and I get the feeling she really wants them to end with a kiss. I know I do.

 

In about 6 weeks, I am going across the country for a media event, lasting 4 days, and asked her to go with me. I never thought she would say yes. She did. She has just graduated from college. We have talked a little about the fact that we will be staying in the same room, over 4 days and she says she is fine with it. She almost seems shy when the subject comes up, although I know she is anything but shy. I know from talking to her that, while not jumping from partner to partner, she is very open about her sexuality.

 

I do not think I have ever spent time with someone I click so well with. I have had many chances, over the last 10 years, to have one night stands, or hook up with people I know, and have always refused. I have just never met anyone, since I have been married, that I am into. I have never felt the desire, until I began to get to know her. I am afraid I am falling for her. I know I am.

 

My wife has had some minor medical problems that have resulted in her complete loss of a sex drive. We have had sex maybe 4 times in the last 6 years and probably half of those had to be stopped, because of pain she has experienced. I have tried hard to get her to seek medical help, but she is not interested. She is resolved to pretty much end her sexual life, even though she is only in her early 40's. I have more sexual energy now than I did in my 20's and do not want to end this part of my life. My relationship with my wife is great, we are amazing friends, there is just no showing of affection, which is getting unbearable.

 

I guess I am just looking for advise and suggestions. I feel strongly that my friend is very into me and this trip will likely be a fantasy come true. Do I think we have a chance to be together, because of the age difference? Probably not, but if things progressed, I would consider it.

 

However, maybe I am totally wrong and she just wants to be friends, which I am fine with, but I must admit to have developed very, very strong feelings for her in the last six months. I find it hard to believe a 22 year old would travel across the country to stay in a hotel with me, without being interested in something more than friendship. She has come up with a story about being out of town, so that nobody will know we are traveling and staying together.

 

It has been a long, long time since someone has made me feel the way she does. I have more in common with her than I do with my wife (wife & I are polar opposites, but we get along great). Most people befriend me because of my connections, she is just into me for me and I just adore her in every way. If I would have met her 20 years ago, I know we would have ended up together.

 

Thoughts? Am I kidding myself? I do have a feeling that this will be the beginning of an affair (we have talked about FWB relationships we both have had over the years). I have not been unfaithful to my wife, in the 10 years we have been together. I am just tired of living without affection and have finally found someone I think is really into me, that I really like.

 

Am I crazy? Thanks for listening to me ramble.

 

well gee, its all so beautiful to hear you describe it all.

 

so by all means, divorce your wife and go for the mistress. at least you will be doing your wife a favor.

 

and as far as the bolded part, keep telling yourself that. you are emotionally unfaithful.

[vsmini]

Right now I just want to explore this and enjoy actually feeling like I am worth something.

 

BINGO. Well there you go. Perhaps you do need therapy after all. I was going to say this earlier on in the post but I didn't think it was necessary...now I think it is:

 

You want someone to validate your worth. This might sound like some new-age hippy dippy love yourself garbage - especially to a middle aged male... but....you need to work on yourself. You should be able to maintain your worth by your own standards. Not so much by someone else. It's true that affection is important in a marriage and from what you're telling us about your marriage I can see how you would be frustrated and willing to leave but it shouldn't make you feel worthless and some 22 year old should not be a determining factor in your worth. This just screams low self esteem.

[2sunny]

I am not trying to find reasons to validate an affair. Again, I could have cheated a long time ago. These problems have been going on for years and I have not cheated.

 

I am looking for comments that I do not want to hear, perspectives that maybe I have not considered. That is why I am here. There is reason to not speak your mind. I am asking for it.

 

 

yes you are using a lot of words to justify why you will do what you have been considering. at least stop lying to yourself and us about what your intentions are. NO man shares a hotel room with another woman - plans it all out - keeps it a secret from BOTH significant others IF there isn't intent to DO something inappropriate. we are not fools! SHE is keeping YOU a secret too! that tells you right there that this is wrong. wrong on so many levels - yet you are justifying your bad behavior.

 

I cannot answer that. I have had a few women, younger and older, flirt with me over the years. Not many, but a few. It has nothing to do with her age or position in life. It has everything to do with the way she makes me feel and the fun we have when we are together.

 

exactly - so IF you want her - divorce your wife.

 

Not to say that I have done all I can, but I have tried, really hard, to address the issues at home, to the point where she gets pissed and will not even talk about it. I have tried to suggest therapy, visiting medical professionals to see if the problem can be solved, taking romantic vacations, doing things to make her feel wanted and sexy, etc.

 

She has even said "if you want sex, go get some." I do not think she is serious about it, but even though I have told her it is much more than that, I don't think she believes it. She just thinks I want to have sex all time time. I try maybe twice a week. How is that abnormal for a married couple?

 

Besides her loss of sex drive, she just seems to have lost all showings of affection. A long kiss at night, before bed, maybe some foreplay, would be fine, if she was into it. The few times she does do things like that, it is painfully obvious she is taking one for the team and her heart is not really into it. We never yell or have big fights, we get along fine, go places together, everything is pretty normal, except that she stopped showing affection, besides saying "I love you" about 5-6 years ago.

 

I thought for a while, several years ago, that she may be cheating, but know she is not. She may be going through early menopause. She says it runs in her family.

 

I am not salivating over a piece of meat. Yes, my 22 year old friend is slim, beautiful, and I am extremely attracted to her physically. However, that pales to the emotional connection we have and continue to make.

 

Could I have had someone like her, years ago, if I wanted? Probably. Her physical appearance really is secondary to the emotional connection. I could spend $1000 and spend the night with someone who looks like a magazine model, if that is all I wanted.

 

This is more about the emotional connection than just wanton sex. I have had enough serious relationships in my life and can honestly say I have never had the "butterflies" and just plain longed to be with someone, like I do with her. It is so intense and I have never experienced anything like this. I have never been in a relationship and been so attracted to someone else.

 

Maybe I am trying to justify an affair, but I am just speaking openly and honestly about how I feel. I do not need to justify it to strangers in a forum, or convince you of anything. I just am looking for someone to talk to, because I obviously can't talk to this to anyone I know, for fear of being judged, thought to be a freak, or outed to my wife.

 

lots of justifying your thoughts of cheating. IF you intend to have sex with her - then simply tell your wife. you said she'd be OK with it - so why the secret? the fact that it's a secret tells you that it's just not right... no matter how much you try to tell your mind that it's ok - YOU KNOW it's not!

 

be the man you want to be proud of. IF you intend to go on the trip - divorce your wife. have the OW tell her BF - and BE HONEST!

 

proper order and honesty are key here... the only way to have a clear conscience.

[Memphis Raines]

I know the reality is that I will probably get divorced, because I do not think things will change. I have tried for years, in many ways, to no avail.

 

Right now I just want to explore this and enjoy actually feeling like I am worth something. Is that all that hard to understand?

 

yes, because it is all a bunch of me me me. feel like you are worth something? why? because youf wife has fallen ill?

 

please, if you are horny and want to mess around with another woman, then be a man and admit it.

 

but don't sit there and tell us a story of how you have a great family life, friends, and that your relationship with your wife is great.

 

But that you don't think you aren't worth anything because she has a low sex drive through no fault of her own or you.

 

many men in your situation would say they feel like the richest men in the world because of your family, social life. yet would still be man enough to admit that they simply want to screw someone else and aren't trying to make us feel sorry for them.

 

you aren't having sex with your wife because of a medical condition, not because she doesn't want you. stand by her, or set her free.

[foggyandconfused]

To say we have nothing in common, in my opinion, shows the ignorance of the person who posted that. How could you possibly know what we have in common? I should be into shuffle board and peeing in a bag and she should be into drinking and going to concerts?

 

I do appreciate all the replies, and thank you very much for your interest in my situation, but please do not stereotype and make statements, based on no facts. We do have a lot in common. I would not be thinking of risking so much if we did not. I certainly would not be thinking of risking it all, just for a weekend of great sex. I could get that if I wanted it from someone else. It is all about the emotional connection, for me and that connection is huge, whether you believe it or not. I am not an average middle 40s guy. You may laugh at that, but if you knew me, knew my job, and knew my personality, you would understand.

 

My friend and I have a lot in common and we immensely enjoy our time together. I am just not trying to get in her pants. I could have tried that six months ago. I had no idea these feelings would emerge. In the beginning, when we just started having lunch, I just thought she was just a very a nice girl, who I had a lot in common with, who's work I respected, that I was becoming friends with. My feelings changed a few months in. Why? I do not know, because as of now, we have not done anything sexual,unless you count a hug when we meet and when we leave.

 

I just don't know if I want to put more work into what I know will be met with no response. How much more time should I give it? 5 more years? On the other hand, I do not want to go through a divorce, even though I know it would not turn ugly. Don't laugh at that. It is true. If I did tell my wife I was leaving, she would be devastated, but without children, how messy could it really get? We both make about the same money and started the marriage with about the same amount of money.

 

Maybe an escort would be easier. At least there is no emotional bond.

[2sunny]

keep in mind that you are connecting to a gal that shows low moral values. when you get married- expect that she- through the years - WILL travel with her male bosses and co workers - AND share a room with them - never, ever telling you her truth. she keeps secrets- she connects with other men outside her primary relationship - she allows men to HUG her, take her to lunch OFTEN - even though she justifies it by not YET cheating. you will never know how to trust her. you will spend your time and energy watching every move she makes because you won't trust her based on her actions she has shown as her evidence.

 

THAT is the evidence she has shown you- THAT is her moral character! is THAT good enough for you?

[2sunny]

To say we have nothing in common, in my opinion, shows the ignorance of the person who posted that. How could you possibly know what we have in common? I should be into shuffle board and peeing in a bag and she should be into drinking and going to concerts?

 

I do appreciate all the replies, and thank you very much for your interest in my situation, but please do not stereotype and make statements, based on no facts. We do have a lot in common. I would not be thinking of risking so much if we did not. I certainly would not be thinking of risking it all, just for a weekend of great sex. I could get that if I wanted it from someone else. It is all about the emotional connection, for me and that connection is huge, whether you believe it or not. I am not an average middle 40s guy. You may laugh at that, but if you knew me, knew my job, and knew my personality, you would understand.

 

My friend and I have a lot in common and we immensely enjoy our time together. I am just not trying to get in her pants. I could have tried that six months ago. I had no idea these feelings would emerge. In the beginning, when we just started having lunch, I just thought she was just a very a nice girl, who I had a lot in common with, who's work I respected, that I was becoming friends with. My feelings changed a few months in. Why? I do not know, because as of now, we have not done anything sexual,unless you count a hug when we meet and when we leave.

 

I just don't know if I want to put more work into what I know will be met with no response. How much more time should I give it? 5 more years? On the other hand, I do not want to go through a divorce, even though I know it would not turn ugly. Don't laugh at that. It is true. If I did tell my wife I was leaving, she would be devastated, but without children, how messy could it really get? We both make about the same money and started the marriage with about the same amount of money.

 

Maybe an escort would be easier. At least there is no emotional bond.

 

you are contradicting yourself- first you say it's only emotional - then you say you need at the least an escort - so which is it?

 

either way - ask your wife... she has a say in the M too.

[foggyandconfused]

It is much more than just sex with my wife, as I posted earlier, but the almost complete lack of any affection or attention at all. I do not expect a red carpet, or her to be in the bed waiting for me when I come home, but when I try to be close to her over and over and she just has no drive, no interest, and refuses to see any medical professional, what can I do? I can't drag her there against her will.

 

And yes, you all are right, I should come clean, be honest and just leave. It is just a shytestorm, selling our house, moving, etc. I feel betrayed that I have to go through this, when really I do not think I did much wrong. neglect is a form of abuse you know and I honestly feel I have been seriously been neglected for many years. Now I feel alive, for the first time in a long time and am told I am selfish. Perhaps it is time I focus on me and what makes me happy.

 

I am leaning more and more in that direction. However, I will not leave at this very moment, for this new friend, because I do not know exactly what she wants. I guess I will find out soon enough.

 

You all have given me some very good things to think about and I think you. I will be pondering this for quite a while. The trip is still a few weeks off.

 

Please keep adding your thoughts, if you feel like it. I am enjoying this conversation and it has me thinking about things in a slightly different way.

 

For that, I thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife all this stuff, exactly word for word. how you feel and why. Even if it hurts her, pisses her off, even if she doesn't want to hear it. if she won't listen to you, write her a letter and tell her to be quiet and read it!!!!!!!!!!

 

I say this because I read that you said your wife gave you permission to go have sex with others, yet you don't believe she's serious. Well, CALL HER ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her pointblank, "I love you and our life together, I don't want to lose our marriage, our lifestyle, our house but I cannot take another day of you ignoring me, not having sex with me, no intimacy. It's killing me inside and I've met someone I really want to have sex with."

 

Just do it and tell her.

 

This IS going to end up in divorce eventually, if not now, it will when you fall inlove with this 22 year old and want to break up your family to go marry this girl.

[orangelady]

you're not crazy but you sound like you need to resolve things with your wife. Just because your wife doesn't give you sex doesn't mean you should cheat on her. Why did you get married then? One of my friends's wife has stopped having sex with him for 10 years. And it isn't even due to a medical condition. She just doesn't want to but he loves her to death. There is no excuse. At least settle some stuff with your wife. Your relationship with your wife can't be 'great' if you are feeling this way about that intern. You sound kind of cheap. That girl does too. Maybe both of you deserve each other, so go ahead and do it.

[whichwayisup]

So just reading back abit, this is just gong to be a sex thing with the work collegue, since she has a boyfriend. I see she's mastered the lying skill already by manipulating her boyfriend so she can be alone with you more often and already covered herself for that work trip too.

 

This is sad. She's risking her boyfriend for you and you're risking your wife and marriage (which by the way IS very fixable, but you're in a complete and utter FOG, you can't see straight) all for some hot sex with a 22 year old ex tern.

 

Is your work reputation worth it too? Hers as well? Get ready because people love to gossip and this one, the boss and the ex intern -- is a juicy one and it'll take away HER efforts in the past 2 years, people will think it's been going on alot longer and that she is sleeping her way up the ladder so to speak. See how this isn't JUST about you?

[BB07]

It is much more than just sex with my wife, as I posted earlier, but the almost complete lack of any affection or attention at all. I do not expect a red carpet, or her to be in the bed waiting for me when I come home, but when I try to be close to her over and over and she just has no drive, no interest, and refuses to see any medical professional, what can I do? I can't drag her there against her will.

 

And yes, you all are right, I should come clean, be honest and just leave. It is just a shytestorm, selling our house, moving, etc. I feel betrayed that I have to go through this, when really I do not think I did much wrong. neglect is a form of abuse you know and I honestly feel I have been seriously been neglected for many years. Now I feel alive, for the first time in a long time and am told I am selfish. Perhaps it is time I focus on me and what makes me happy.

 

I am leaning more and more in that direction. However, I will not leave at this very moment, for this new friend, because I do not know exactly what she wants. I guess I will find out soon enough.

 

You all have given me some very good things to think about and I think you. I will be pondering this for quite a while. The trip is still a few weeks off.

 

Please keep adding your thoughts, if you feel like it. I am enjoying this conversation and it has me thinking about things in a slightly different way.

 

For that, I thank you.

 

If you want to be selfish and do something for yourself, then that's fine, BUT don't drag yourself, your wife and the OW through the shyte. Do it cleanly with the least amount of complications and the not the cowardly way. That's what I meant by MAN- UP. I think if you tell your wife how close you are to a PA she will take it serous and either once and all address it or she'll let you go when she realizes how unhappy you are. Please don't shyte all over yourself and these two women. Do it the right way. It's cowardly to have someone waiting on you in the wings.......and it's not healthy either......man up.

[ladydesigner]

foggyandconfused I thought exactly like you before I had my affair, although I am a Married Woman(MW). I had extremely high emotions for my co-worker who was 13 years younger than me. We had a lot in common, he gave me that same chemistry and butterflies you speak of. Eventually our emotional affair turned physical and I thought I could shut my feelings out, same for my XOM who also had a long-term girlfriend. We ended up falling hard for each other...

 

But in the end, HE ended the A, I was devastated. He decided to stay with his girlfriend. Although I never was planning on leaving my H or getting a divorce I was still devastated and felt ultimately rejected.

 

What if this girl rejects you down the line? You will feel much worse than you do now and it sounds as if you are looking for self-validation just as I was.

 

It is better to talk to your wife, seek therapy for yourself. An affair is never the answer. Too many feelings are involved and it hurts too many people, yourself will be included in this pain (no doubt about that).

 

Just some food for thought.

 

 

Welcome to LS!!

[whichwayisup]

She is playing you. She is a 22 yr old that can not possibly have anything in common with you. You might lose your job and in this economy it's not worth a piece of arse. You are so in the wrong. You have already made room arrangements so you obviously are going to go through with it. My two cents is its dumb. You haven't even tried to talk to your wife to see if she'd step it up. Ask her if she is serious about you streying and having an open relationship. Do the right thing. The young girl doesn't need (an old man in her eyes). Are you going to pay her bills? Knock her up? You are playing with fire. Keep your job, your pride and your penis. No cheerleading here brotha

 

The age thing isn't a huge deal, lots of people marry older or younger people, if two connect, and are free and available, then why not go for it. Other than that part of your post, I agree with everything else you said.

[reservoirdog1]

Tell your wife all this stuff, exactly word for word. how you feel and why. Even if it hurts her, pisses her off, even if she doesn't want to hear it. if she won't listen to you, write her a letter and tell her to be quiet and read it!!!!!!!!!!

 

I say this because I read that you said your wife gave you permission to go have sex with others, yet you don't believe she's serious. Well, CALL HER ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her pointblank, "I love you and our life together, I don't want to lose our marriage, our lifestyle, our house but I cannot take another day of you ignoring me, not having sex with me, no intimacy. It's killing me inside and I've met someone I really want to have sex with."

 

Just do it and tell her.

 

This IS going to end up in divorce eventually, if not now, it will when you fall inlove with this 22 year old and want to break up your family to go marry this girl.

This is good overall advice, IMHO.

 

OP, I do feel sympathy for you. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's pretty damned important. It's an important source of bonding for two people who love each other romantically; without it, that bond can disappear. And when there's NO physical intimacy or general affection, then, I'm sorry to say, you're no longer romantically involved with your wife. You're roommates, and friends.

 

It's not reasonable for you to bang your head against a wall, or accept a marriage that's not only sexless but "affectionless", for the next 30-50 years. And wanting sex to be a part of your life doesn't make you selfish. Now, having said that, your primary obligation is to your wife, which is to ensure that you've done everything you can to make things work with her. You owe her that much respect and allegiance. From what you've written, it sounds like you've done a lot. You've repeatedly tried to get her to seek help but she won't, and now when you raise it, it causes a fight.

 

It's tough to tell if you actually have a green light to sleep with other women; you need to confirm that with your wife, by asking her point blank. What she said, might have been said in anger or frustration.

 

Keep in mind that divorce may be unavoidable, depending on how she responds. If she doesn't give you that green light, your choices will be (a) accept the prospect of your remaining years without sex, or (b) divorce.

 

Oh, and it should go without saying that you need to talk to your wife about this BEFORE things go any further with the intern, or with anybody else.

[vsmini]

So you feel this magical and crazy emotional connection/attraction to this young woman. Sex will likely enter the picture. You don't seem to have that spark/connection/sex with your wife.

 

What exactly do you want? both? Why would you want your wife if this young girl seems so great? Is it because it might not work out and you want your wife as a back-up? Be honest. If the answer is yes then what you have with your wife is not healthy, not honest or good and you need to end it. But please don't put too much faith in the young woman either. The chances of that leading to anything lasting and real are very, very small.

 

You seem to want both the woman and the girl....which might be working out for you now but this probably will not end well.

 

Learn the lessons the hard way - it's the only way you will learn them...unfortunately if you do not let your wife in on all of this you are learning this lesson at the expense of others. You're an adult now....gotta act like it.

[Minnie09]

It's interesting how the OP refers to the intern as his friend.

OP, I'm wondering whether your W has been aware of the friendship. Have you ever mentioned your friendship to her? If not, this might indicate that you've been subconsciously feeling guilty about your EA/friendship, guilty that something hidden feels so good. I mean, you're talking now about something that may lead to infidelity, but seriously, you're already WAY past that stage. Do you even see that?

 

I also think your statements are quite confusing. Your W is fun to be with, a nice person, you share a great friendship, yadayada, and then you throw the abuse-neglect-word in, in order to justify your actions when they are criticized by other posters. That's not fair to your W. She might be suffering, too, due to her medical condition. And you take that as a reason to turn your back on her and cheat. Nice.