Never thought I would be doing this

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Whether he realizes it or not, most of these here... the ones telling you not to do it, have felt the years of pain and agony or have been hurt badly by our loved ones. If we had never been hurt in our lives, we would probably be all "Oh Yeah, Do it!" because we have no idea how bad it really hurts.

 

But we know how bad it hurts and how bad it's going to KILL your wife when you do this. I didn't mean to attack the guy. But this is going to kill his wife on the inside... just shatter her heart into a million pieces... She will never be the same again. I feel so bad for her and it hasn't happened yet and I want to help her. I want to tell her. I want to let her know so bad it's killing me.

 

This isn't fair, and it's hard to sit back and just know this is going to happen. We just CARE!

 

Why would anyone do that to another person when a divorce first is an option... Why? I would never do this to anyone. I guess I just do not understand it. I don't understand how someone else can do something so cruel when there are other options.

 

the past 6 years.... That is not KILLING Him???? He's talked, cajoled and expressed his hurt and she sloughs it off as that of an oversexed teen, holding their marriage over him....

 

Yep she's a saint......

[PinkInTheLimo]

Therapy? Not sure if I want to, or want or need to spend the money. it is all about what I am not getting, love and affection. A therapist is going to fill this void?

 

Even if this weekend happens and is a bust, or never happens again, it has awakened me to the fact that I deserve to be loved and given affection, as does everyone in a committed relationship. It is a basic fundamental need that anyone "in love" should be able to give effortlessly.

 

It has convinced me that I do not want to live a life void of this and, as another poster put so politely, "masturbating in the shower." Do I think telling my wife what I am about to do will sway her? Probably not. I have told her that this lack of affection and sex will lead to me eventually finding it somewhere else. I don't think she believes that. Have we talked about this in depth? No. But when I was trying to get us into therapy and trying to show her that I need to feel something, besides the friendship of a roommate, it just wasn't taken seriously.

 

And again, I am talking about long hugs, kisses, being the one to first say "I love you," calling once in a while, when I am working a long 14 hour day just to say hi, basic signs of affection, not her waiting at home with something sexy on, waiting to service my every need. It is about sex too, but I would say sex is only about 30-40% of the total equation.

 

All this is perfectly understandable. But why not divorce before you get involved with other women? Why not do things in a decent and "clean" way?

[Eve]

Bloody hell.. what's gone off here!

 

Firstly, ok MIMS, I still love your avatar picture thing. Although I stay away from the anti religion thing, I have got over myself now.. I am far too sensitive sometimes..

 

OP, I suppose you have to do what you are doing and find out as you go along. There's nowt else to say really.

 

Just be cautious - in the sense of boxing in this feeling you have of being more.. alive, just because of this potential relationship. Find a way to own it for yourself. It's like you are mimicking someone who has her whole life ahead of her due to her age in your hard headedness. Ok, it sounds like you have needed this.. but understand that you have already had this stage and should respect hers.

 

Take this new sense of determination to fix your life up... 4 times in 6 years is just .. man..

 

You know right from wrong, I think we all do really.

 

As I said previously, I hope this does not bring you further problems. I hope you turn this experience into the highest ideal without falling into something twisted and seedy, with regrets.

 

I hope you will be honest with your Wife and keep, I don't know, I suppose keep your dignity.

 

Be that man who does the right thing.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

[RRM]

since you said she has nothing to gain by being with you - i see evidence of that not being true = she has now established a job opportunity by knowing you, right?

 

Yes, she does, but if she never actually said anything directly to him about getting her a job, then we probably should give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

This isn't fair, and it's hard to sit back and just know this is going to happen. We just CARE!

 

Life's not fair. His wife isn't being fair. If he does this and she doesn't find out, and it doesn't bother him, then I'd say no harm, no foul.

 

the past 6 years.... That is not KILLING Him???? He's talked, cajoled and expressed his hurt and she sloughs it off as that of an oversexed teen, holding their marriage over him....

 

Yep she's a saint......

 

Excellent post. I totally agree.

[sweetjasmine]

the past 6 years.... That is not KILLING Him???? He's talked, cajoled and expressed his hurt and she sloughs it off as that of an oversexed teen, holding their marriage over him....

 

And yet he doesn't want to divorce her because it's too much 'drama' and he doesn't want to confront his wife about an open relationship.

 

It's sort of silly to complain about a big problem when you refuse to consider any solution except the one that involves lying and getting what you want at the expense of someone else.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And yet he doesn't want to divorce her because it's too much 'drama' and he doesn't want to confront his wife about an open relationship.

 

It's sort of silly to complain about a big problem when you refuse to consider any solution except the one that involves lying and getting what you want at the expense of someone else.

 

I also berated him for being a wimp, not telling his wife that this is 100% unacceptable and that he is going to consider the marriage open as of that weekend.....:rolleyes:;)

[sweetjasmine]

I also berated him for being a wimp, not telling his wife that this is 100% unacceptable and that he is going to consider the marriage open as of that weekend.....:rolleyes:;)

 

I know you wrote that and agree that he needs to at least confront his wife and lay it all out for her.

 

If a person is suffering in their marriage and feels like it's killing them, they need to grow a spine and get out. It's ridiculous to stay in the marriage and keep blaming the other person because that's easier than doing the right thing and divorcing.

 

I wonder how OP is going to feel if he gets his fantasy screw and his wife finds out and divorces him, leaving him all alone because the 22 year old moved with her boyfriend to her new job that she got thanks to him. Talk about drama.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, dear me. How rude.

In my experience, 40-something year old men don't describe a chick half their age as having an emotional bond. Only chicks talk about bonds.

New members don't usually attack specific established members either.

The bridge might be lonely.

 

Oh yeah.

 

I would be willing to be that poor, misunderstood, sexually deprived, ego starved Foggy has been here on LS many times before with different guises, posing different fantasy scenarios, but always with the same exact MO: His wife doesn't meet his needs, though he is perfectly beyond criticism or reproach in the marriage, and now he is faced with an irresistable, romantic and sexual opportunity that he so deserves.

 

What should he do?

 

Of course, there is scant support for his jumping on the willing, hot, succulent body of a girl who thinks he is God's ultimate gift. Thus, the thread always builds tremendous momentum, with the OP getting more and more pissy that so few of us are cheering on his right to pursue this opportunity for the happiness that has so long been withheld from him, due to his cronelike wife's multitude of issues. (I weep.)

 

I've participated in all those threads. What a sucker!

 

Poor, poor Foggy.

 

I think that this person is more of a frustrated would-be author of contemporary bodice-ripping romance novelettes than a man teetering at the brink of a real life extramarital affair.

[John Michael Kane]

Have you read any of my 1559 posts? Please explain your post? He has had sex 4X's in the last 6 years and they have no kids......

 

So that automatically gives him the right to stick his wood in another woman. Brilliant.

[Mrs. Jones]

Hello Foggy,

 

I am an xMOW. I had an A with a MOM 7 years my senior for 2+ years and enjoyed every minute of it. Therefore I am not going to bash you or chastise you for the journey you may embark on. Others here have and I agree with a lot of what they say as it will be the result of this journey. Plus it’s all obvious, as I’m sure you are aware of the ramifications of cheating.

 

The words in your OP were all of the things my OM said to me and I know he felt about me. You sound a lot like him in what you are expressing. He too had a W at home that did not engage with him sexually, mentally, or emotionally for years according to him. She too had physical issues that caused her to not want sex (I guess she did not want to fix them, but I bet she’s all better now;)). The last year we were together, he mentioned he had sex with her 2 times that year….possibly because he was getting it from me? I don’t know. As you, he also claimed he deserved to be happy.

 

You need to be honest with yourself if you have feelings for your gf and if so, you need to tell your W or leave her. I fear you will lead this girl on, she will fall in love with you and you will somehow miraculously find the love you once had in your wife and stay with her while throwing the gf under the bus.

 

I see a lot of BS’s on this board claim they wish they would’ve known their H’s were unhappy so they could’ve stepped up the sex to save the M and thwart an A in the making. You claim you have told her how you feel with no reaction from her. Why do you stay in the M if you are not receiving the physical and emotional love you desire? What are you afraid of?

 

I am asking this for myself as after DDay, my OM decided to stay in his “loveless” marriage after finding the love he thought he was missing. Why would he do this? Maybe you can answer for my OM.

 

And I have to give props to Richard Friedman…I agree with all of his posts and love his style.

[Mrs. Jones]

So that automatically gives him the right to stick his wood in another woman. Brilliant.

 

 

No, but he did give her ample coaxing, love and warning for many years...did he not?

 

Why should her sex drive dictate his?

 

I do think he should leave the M if he is so unhappy, and I think he is afraid to do so for some reason. He needs to be honest with himself about this.

[foggyandconfused]

WHy don't I leave this very moment? Hmmm. I do not want to find a temporary place to live, go not want to go through the drama, I have a busy summer ahead, where I will be traveling a lot and making some good money. Worthless excuses? Probably. Do I want to be bogged down by drama, explaining things to family, to my son, etc? Not really. My life has been thrown into depression over this for a long time. It is time I do something for myself. Nobody else is thinking of me and what is important to me.

 

Have I ever said I am the perfect husband? No. I am not. However, I have always showed interest in what is important to her, always giving her compliments, trying to make her feel loved, etc. Do I get the same? No. I am tired of always living for someone else. Am I getting selfish and want to live for myself for a change? Absolutely.

 

Also, for those of you that think my friend is into me for what she can get and for the job I got her, she does not even know yet that I have found a good job for her. I think I may way wait to tell her, until we are on the way home from the trip.

 

If she would want NC, after getting the job and moves in with her boyfriend, I would not hold it against her. I don't expect anything from her. If we go on our trip, she will have to make the first move. If not, it will just be a nice plutonic getaway, which I am fine with. For the last 6 months, we have not even kissed and I love being with her and have not once pushed her into anything sexual. She has, numerous times, told me how much she is looking forward to this trip and my guess is not for the fun of traveling. She has been to more countries and travelled much more than me.

 

If this is just a one time weekend of fun, I am fine with that too. At least I will have a great memory, during those times I am feeling alone and unloved at home. It has been so long since I have let myself go, I need a fun and exciting vacation.

 

My wife will hardly be able to act surprised, if she learns I have slept with someone else. She is more than aware of my unhappiness with our sexual and affection situation. The only answer, as to why she has not done anything, or even tried, is that she doesn't care. But, I should care and "do the right thing." Easy to say from the sidelines. Harder to do.

 

Do I feel that my friend and I are falling for each other? Yes. I can see it in her eyes, the way she hugs me, and how she tells me she is looking forward to the times we get together. I wish my wife would do half the subtle things my friend does.

 

Right now I think I am just going to let things continue as they are and enjoy the here and now. I think I deserve it. If you women think I am a slug because of that, I really do not care. Believe it or not, I have been pushed into this situation. Who knows? This could be the last time I ever have the chance at a great fantasy weekend. Should I sit home bored instead? I have never had someone young and attractive so into me and I dobut it will ever happen again. Should I take a chance at losing that too? Who knows? Once we cross the line and become sexual, maybe we would have a chance to be together. Stranger things have happened.

[Eve]

Oh yeah.

 

I would be willing to be that poor, misunderstood, sexually deprived, ego starved Foggy has been here on LS many times before with different guises, posing different fantasy scenarios, but always with the same exact MO: His wife doesn't meet his needs, though he is perfectly beyond criticism or reproach in the marriage, and now he is faced with an irresistable, romantic and sexual opportunity that he so deserves.

 

What should he do?

 

Of course, there is scant support for his jumping on the willing, hot, succulent body of a girl who thinks he is God's ultimate gift. Thus, the thread always builds tremendous momentum, with the OP getting more and more pissy that so few of us are cheering on his right to pursue this opportunity for the happiness that has so long been withheld from him, due to his cronelike wife's multitude of issues. (I weep.)

 

I've participated in all those threads. What a sucker!

 

Poor, poor Foggy.

 

I think that this person is more of a frustrated would-be author of contemporary bodice-ripping romance novelettes than a man teetering at the brink of a real life extramarital affair.

 

Ok, I bow to this.

 

No one can be THAT stuck.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[foggyandconfused]

If I was going to write some novel, I would pick a much more interesting story than this. Think what you want, Eve. I am sure it kills you to know that a guy is finally doing something about a sad situation, without bowing down to the wife that has been the primary cause.

 

Am I doing things in the proper order? Probably not. My #1 priority, for the first time in a long time, is now myself.

 

I am leaving for dinner and a concert with my friend in about an hour. I can't wait. She said she bought a new outfit to wear to the concert tonight. I can't wait to see it.

Edited May 7, 2011 by foggyandconfused

[whichwayisup]

Do I feel that my friend and I are falling for each other? Yes. I can see it in her eyes, the way she hugs me, and how she tells me she is looking forward to the times we get together. I wish my wife would do half the subtle things my friend does.

 

This just shows that there IS love left for your wife...And, this other girl is just a temporary bandaid.

 

Right now I think I am just going to let things continue as they are and enjoy the here and now. I think I deserve it. If you women think I am a slug because of that, I really do not care. Believe it or not, I have been pushed into this situation. Who knows?

 

You don't have to justify your actions to anybody on here..At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. Though, the one (well two) people to justify your choices, is yourself..And your wife if she finds out on her own about the OW coworker. You're the one who will have to face her, not us. Part I bolded, imagine saying that to your wife? sure, right now in your mind FC, it's okay, you've given yourself permission..But, how will you feel when you see the pain and betrayal, the loss of love, loss of respect and loss of trust your wife will have for you? It's easy to sit and say you doing what you're doing because she isn't giving you sex, but it's a whole other story when emotions are involved and the person you said vows to, is crying their eyes because you made a choice that affects her deeply, enough to ruin your marriage even more than it is right now.

 

All I'm saying is, don't go looking for "it" with the OW and if she makes a move on you, wouldn't it be better all around to tell her "I'm married, and you have a boyfriend?" just to stop and let this OW think about it?

 

This could be the last time I ever have the chance at a great fantasy weekend. Should I sit home bored instead? I have never had someone young and attractive so into me and I dobut it will ever happen again. Should I take a chance at losing that too? Who knows? Once we cross the line and become sexual, maybe we would have a chance to be together. Stranger things have happened.

 

The flip side of this, OW doesn't make a move. You flirt, but no moves are made by her..So you make the move and she tells you no. That she isn't into you that way..That the so called flirtation and being friends is nothing more than an ego feed for the both of you. How will that make you feel? Ego crushed? Feel bad? Irritated?

 

I'm just throwing different senario's at you to make you stop and think..Some more.

 

 

PS

I am leaving for dinner and a concert with my friend in about an hour. I can't wait. She said she bought a new outfit to wear to the concert tonight. I can't wait to see it.

 

It's too bad that you're not taking your wife..on a saturday night.. I'm just sayin'..

[blueroses10]

Lol lot of textbook female shaming going on here. .Any women who dismisses sex as nonessential shouldn't be taken seriously. They have no idea what it's like to be a man with testosterone flowing through your veins. They'll tell you what to do and what not to do but they don't give a damn about your needs. You've gotta take care of yourself buddy. I say so long as you dont shirk your duties as a father or husband in other ways, there's nothing wrong with getting some action on the side. Especially if your wife won't hold up her end of the marriage. You're only going to live once so be discreet and have you're fun. Best to capitalize while these hot young women still find you attractive. Or you choose the 'noble path' like so many other men and live for everyone but yourself. You'll spend the next ten years watching the remainder of your youth fading, whacking off in the shower and wondering what could've happened but hey, at least you'll have the women of loveshack to pat your back.

 

Men are not the only people who have sexual needs and women are not the only people who are not able to fulfill that end of the relationship. Women have testoterone too and it could be that the OP's wife is lacking that hormone and needs it to feel good about sex again and to assist with the problem she is having.

[Carrot2000]

This girl is going to leave with her boyfriend and move on with her life. Your life, however, will still be miserable. In fact, once she's gone, your life will be even more miserable. If you were really thinking of yourself--truly being selfish--you would take actions that led to a permanent improvement in the quality of your life.

 

Despite what you say, you're not doing something about your sad situation. You're only prolonging your misery. Doing something about your situation would require you to actually confront your wife or get a divorce.

[blueroses10]

If I was going to write some novel, I would pick a much more interesting story than this. Think what you want, Eve. I am sure it kills you to know that a guy is finally doing something about a sad situation, without bowing down to the wife that has been the primary cause.

 

Am I doing things in the proper order? Probably not. My #1 priority, for the first time in a long time, is now myself.

 

I am leaving for dinner and a concert with my friend in about an hour. I can't wait. She said she bought a new outfit to wear to the concert tonight. I can't wait to see it.

 

FAC, I have read through a great deal of the thread so forgive me if this has been asked but is there any way at all that this young lady could use this relationship to further her career or end up blackmailing you in some way? I know that you said it doesn't seem that she wants anything from you but I would tread lightly.

 

The movie Obsessed came to mind when I read your first post.

[SidLyon]

Wow has this thread exploded overnight! (It's early Sunday morning here in Oz).

 

Sorry if you found me an abusive yenta, foggy. I didn't intend to be, but I see you got your own back with the abuse.

 

I was advocating honesty by you with all parties but I see it falls on deaf ears, as you are determined to go ahead.

 

You are clearly in the thick of a "my marriage made me do it" type of affair. Maybe when things calm down and you work out what exactly it is you want to do with your marriage, you might like to read up on your situation. There are other sites that might provide you with support too as well as LS in its own way. If you wife does find out you'll both need support.

 

I'm off, at least for the time being.

[bentnotbroken]

No, but he did give her ample coaxing, love and warning for many years...did he not?

 

Why should her sex drive dictate his?

 

I do think he should leave the M if he is so unhappy, and I think he is afraid to do so for some reason. He needs to be honest with himself about this.

 

 

It shouldn't.

[jayinblue]

Dude,

 

I'm not a crazy hating yenta nor a super pious religious person, but I've been in your shoes, and sitting where I am now, I would hope to death someone would have stopped me and told me a few things, because I was right where you were 8 months ago.

 

First, I do want to pat you on the back for actually asking for opinions before doing anything too rash. I didn't, and I wish I had.

 

I will say that all people in life deserve to feel loved and special. I would also say to you that all people need to feel connected with their spouse. Lastly, I would also say to you that every person deserves to have their dignity. I gave up mine, and I hope you don't give up yours.

 

I too was in a sexless marriage. We were not physical for 3 years. As a result, I was lonely, frustrated, and absolutely in need of an emotional / physical connection with anyone.

 

I won't sugar coat this at all. You already have feelings for this other person, you're just confused about what to do with them. It sounds to me like you have lots of love to give, but no where to put it. If you do give it to this other person, you will have started down a path that there is no coming back from. No matter what happens, you will forever be a changed person, so will your wife, and so will your relationship.

 

I know how hard it is to be lonely and to turn away from something that you think might make you happy. Its funny how these things start. At the beginning, you think you can just mess around a little, everything will be fine, and no one will be hurt.

 

But this is the stupid fantasy you will have to tell yourself to make it work. The reality is that this situation will cause nothing but pain to you, your affair partner, your wife, and any family member in close proximity to you who learns about it.

 

I would ask yourself a different question then the ones you are asking in your earlier posts. Ask yourself why you're willing to stay in a sexless marriage with someone who you're roommates with? Why you think you should settle for less love and affection than you deserve? Why does your wife (who I sincerely believe you love and care for) deserve less too?

 

If you choose the path of the affair, it will be fun, it will be unbelievable, you will feel like you're the most important person in the world, and you also will feel love like you hadn't imagined was possible. Then, it will end.

 

You will be confused, depressed, frustrated. Your wife will stop being your friend. Your family will shake their heads, wondering what happened to this great guy they all knew. Your friends will mostly be sympathetic (some won't), but not matter what they tell you, you won't believe them, because if you have the affair, you will give up your right to feel happy, at the deepest, most fulfilling level.

 

I hope you give all of this stuff some serious thought. If you are truly dissatisfied with your wife, and if she really isn't willing to work it out, you should end it, separate if you don't want the pain of divorce, and then by all means, chase the other girl with everything you have.

 

If on the other hand, you believe you have something special with your wife, take the time now, to rediscover it, before its too late.

[whichwayisup]

Jayinblue, excellent advice!! Just perfect and I really hope that FC reads what you said over and over again, does sit and think this through even more than he is now.

[Bittersweetie]

 

I will say that all people in life deserve to feel loved and special. I would also say to you that all people need to feel connected with their spouse. Lastly, I would also say to you that every person deserves to have their dignity. I gave up mine, and I hope you don't give up yours.

 

 

Excellent post, excellent advice. Especially this part, totally agree.

[Holding-On]

Sigh. I have just wasted waaay too much of my life on earth (darn insomnia) and cannot in any of these 15 pages find where the OP has explained why he won't tell his wife he can't stand to hurt her, can't stand the lack of sex and is taking her up on her offer to go get laid somewhere else.

 

Would some kind PP point out the page and paragraph to me? Pretty please?

 

After all she has just as much social standing, financial comfort and family unity to lose as he does, why would she necessarily not go for it?

 

 

As a married woman in an open marriage I was hoping for a clue into the workings of monogamous mind here.... I really feel for someone (truly) who is stymied with sex four times in six years (!!!!)

 

Really I do feel that if you are going to sexually demand someone eat at your table and ONLY your table you are morally required to provide something to eat! (or at least a detailed explanation of how to get something to eat)

 

So I am not pro-wifey here but please ANSWER THE QUESTION! Why won't you lay this scenario on her explicitly?

[RRM]

Sigh. I have just wasted waaay too much of my life on earth (darn insomnia) and cannot in any of these 15 pages find where the OP has explained why he won't tell his wife he can't stand to hurt her, can't stand the lack of sex and is taking her up on her offer to go get laid somewhere else.

 

Would some kind PP point out the page and paragraph to me? Pretty please?

 

After all she has just as much social standing, financial comfort and family unity to lose as he does, why would she necessarily not go for it?

 

You raise an excellent point. I don't know if the OP ever actually explained about why he won't talk to her and say what you said.

 

However, it may have something to do with the fear of losing her. She may not feel the same way he does about the marriage and may be willing to give it up instead of letting him have an open relationship or trying to work things out.

 

In addition he has mentioned that he thinks that if he asks her, she may just say something to appease him and not mean it and then he doesn't get this weekend with his younger friend.

 

I hope this helps.