family has disowned me because of my bf :/

[wolfie13]

Ok, so I have been dating my bf for about 2.5 years. I met him my first semester of college. I am 21 and he is 37 (yes, a 16yr difference). Our relationship is just like any other. The problem starts with my family, and in particular my mother. We met probably about 3 weeks into the semester but it wasn't until halfway through that we started dating. Our first date, he came to my house and we went out. We even came back early (so noted by my mother). But after that, my mom decided she needed to intervene. She told me I am not allowed to go out with him anymore (mind you, I was 18yrs old with a car). I, of course, saw him during school hours. But we never went out at night after that first time. Every weekend my mother would tell me I need to stay home because we were going to do something as a family. Did that actually happen? Nope. She kept interfering in my relationship with him. We did decide to have sex, and when we did, my mother somehow found out. I still to this day do not know how she knew. My father had accepted a transfer job at another university. I was supposed to stay in town and live oncampus. But when my mother found out about my sex experience, she packed me up and drove me 900 miles away from him. I had to spend a full semster at another university. The whole time she was ranting, and wouldnt let me contact him in anyway. (internet access was monitored, and no cell phone) But I did manage to get hold of a prepaid phone. But then of course she found that and tried to take it away and almost dropped it down the stairs. My father never intervened in any of this. Now, after the semseter ended (literally like 2 days after my last final) by bf drove 900mi to pick me and my belongings up and drive back to his house. That is now where I have resided for 2 years. My family still resents him and me. Every time I see them for a holiday or just a visit my mother always has to make it about how I left her and shes still grieving. I cant understand why, after 2 years, she cannot accept I am 21yrs old, an adult with her own life. My sisters high school graduation is coming up this month. I dont want to miss it, but I know there will be drama. Not just because I live with my boyfriend but I also have tattoos, and my mother will go on a rampage and probably lock me in a room so none of her friends will see. What should I do? I dont want anymore problems, but Ive tried everything to make things better. My mom wont have it. Help!! (sorry for those who like to post tl:dr, but i have a huge dilemma)

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

To be honest, I think it's your mother's problem, not yours.

 

You were 18, legally an adult, when you started seeing this man. That makes it legal. It also means that you were able to make your own decisions.

 

Granted, I can sort of see your mother's POV, because a guy like that is probably only after one thing, and one thing only. But as far as the legality of it, you were in the right. And who knows? Maybe he DOES love you?

[tinktronik]

To be honest, I think it's your mother's problem, not yours.

 

You were 18, legally an adult, when you started seeing this man. That makes it legal. It also means that you were able to make your own decisions.

 

Granted, I can sort of see your mother's POV, because a guy like that is probably only after one thing, and one thing only. But as far as the legality of it, you were in the right. And who knows? Maybe he DOES love you?

 

I agree that it is her mother's problem and not hers. OP why don't you and your BF just go to your sister's graduation and don't sit with the rest of your family?

 

However, they have been together a few years... I would guess he's just not in it for one thing. Otherwise the relationship would be well over by now.

[dongkong]

Well you put yourself in your mothers shoes. Lets say your have a daughter whos dating a guy 16 years her elder. Would you care? or would you give your blessing. I personally dont think id like my daughter dating such an old guy (i dont have any kids or am married btw) and add to that you being sexually active. I think its enough to freak any parent out, so your moms dislike is not out of the ordinary. With that said, sometimes you got to let your kids make the mistakes they make. Now i hope your smart enough to not get knocked up by this guy before actually getting married n stuff. But, back to my point, you mom should let ya make your mistakes. Its part of growing up and part of life, she cant forbid you from doing things you want, just cuase she thinks you might get hurt. If you do get hurt or make a big mistake, its your mistake and you would own up to it. So you mom should kinda let ya live your life.

[Scottdmw]

It sounds like a hard situation.

 

I think you've done the right thing though. It would be understandable if your parents were against this relationship and ADVISED you they thought it was a bad idea. Since they've gone to such extremes, it seems to me it's more about control. What they're doing is not useful or productive.

 

I think the best thing you can do is just continued to be open to whatever relationship with them they will allow, but don't push for anything. If the subject of your boyfriend comes up, calmly tell them that you've made your decision.

 

I think you should definitely not give into pressure on their part. Parents who started off wanting to control things like this will ask for more and more. If you give in on one thing, they will want you to do something else.

 

Scott

[StoneCold]

I dont see where you have been disowned. It just sounds like they are giving you grief; which will happen from time to time if one decides to step out and live their own life. So dont let this beat you up too much....one day you'll both look back and laugh.

 

Now your mom sounds to be taking this far and by no means am I suggesting you give in to her wishes simply to appease her.

 

But.... put yourself in your mom's shoes....if your 21 year old little girl (and I know you are an adult but theres so much more learning ahead) were to get together with some well seasoned 36 year old man. You'll be so affraid that your little girl is going to get run by experience because thats what will likely happen. In many cases like that the older one usually uses their experience to maintain the upper hand and manipulate in a relationship (even unconciously this can still happen). I can tell you this now at 35 but my 21yrold self wouldnt have been able to see the forrest for the trees.

 

You have to live your life for yourself...most definitely. But dont wind-up being so quick to dismiss your mother's years of experience. Bear what she says in mind....she likely knows and understands more than you think. I didnt figure that one out till I became a parent myself.

[Eve]

I can see why your Mum would be disappointed in you. Mainly I think it is because the maturity you speak about in this relationship and stuff you do such as tattooing yourself cannot be translated into an experience by her with you. I think that is what she is grieving.

 

Hence, I don't think you have been disowned, rather you are estranged from your Mum.

 

She probably felt it all dawning when you started going out with this person (probably even before) and thinks you have chosen him over her. I suppose, sometimes people don't get over stuff like that. She probably sees you as not being a very sensible person and can't connect that to how she raised you. You will understand more if you ever have your own kids;the childhood stage is beautiful, the rest.. well, many don't make it.

 

I don't think you can do much about this situation. In time maybe you will find like ground in an interest or something that you can do together but it sounds to me like you are simply a disappointment to her.

 

On the issue of your sisters graduation. If she wants you there, go.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[OhMittens]

Seems to me like you have a mother that is too needy. I had one as well but I was able to get through to her eventually. Took years after I moved out to actually get it into her head though.

[HLP234]

Everyone is right, some parents are very protective of their kids. I'm in my mid twenties and my dad wants nothing to do with me because I got engaged to my fiance and didn't tell him or ask his opinion before hand. I had talked to him about it before but they never met her because they were far away. Now he barely talks to me, my mom is the same, although she accepts it. She also thinks it was wrong I didn't tell them. Only reason I didn't tell them was because they were always arguing, going through a divorce and asking me for money and stuff whenever we talked, or complained about money situations. SO they had a lot going on and I didn't think it was right announcing that.

 

Who is to say what we do is right or wrong? I understand their culture is different than mine, they didn't grow up in the U.S. so thats nothing new. But we do learn from our mistakes, the point is, you do what makes you happy and if you are wrong you will find out later. Eventually they will accept it because you are happy and deal with it.