Almost broke-up after 1 year anniversary

[khria]

Hi all,

 

I've really benefitted from the feedback on this forum at several stages of dating. An advanced thank you for reading.

 

I, happily, just celebrated a 1 year anniversary with him (bf-gf). My bf is great. He bought me a present, flowers, and took me to a really fancy dinner. I was shocked and surprised.

 

I was even more shocked to find myself doubting our relationship just a week afterwards. This one-year mark has only reminded me of what I feel are significant differences between us which I'm not sure are ever going to be resolved:

 

1) My work involves me travelling, and the potential of moving/re-locating from my current city, and learning several languages; my bf has made it clear to me that he more or less wants to stay where he is, phobic of air-travel, and has little desire to travel/see the world or immerse himself in a new culture for an extended period.

 

2) I enjoy dressing up and put a lot of thought into my clothes/appearance; he's a laid back oversized jeans and t-shirt guy who finds haircuts inconvenient and 'nicer clothes' uncomfortable.

 

3) My career is an important part of who I am, and I value work as a part of my identity and fulfillment. I also work a lot; he sees work as more of a job, and likes to absolutely minimize the amount of work he has to do in order to do hobbies on the side. He also has more modest career ambitions.

 

ok, so this probably leads easily to some stereotyping: "She's the hard driving ambitious one who wants to see the world; he's the laid back homebody who's happy where he is and doesn't want any major changes."

 

I'm wondering what people think the prognosis is for the long-term. We've talked about these things, him and I, many times before and haven't really gotten anywhere other than his decision to 'wait and see how things turn out.' Me (being me), well, I want a clearer trajectory of where things are headed than "wait and see." I want to know that he's made a concrete investment in our relationship, and that it at least has a chance of withstanding some of the requirements of my work (long absences + travel). He's told me that he feels like he's not a priority, that I don't accept him, that I judge him negatively.... I tell him that a solid career is my dream, and that I need to feel supported by the man I'm with.

 

This is really hard for me. At some level, I feel like I *am* hurting him and making him feel unappreciated, but at the same time, I find it difficult to get comfortable given our very real differences.

 

I'm open to any and all feedback. I even want to know if I'm sounding unreasonable, or am the classic 'demanding woman..always trying to change her man.' I don't want to be that woman and would rather walk away from this if *that* is who I'm becoming.

 

Opposites may attract, but can they last?

Edited May 5, 2011 by khria

[bernardverh]

Great effort to post your story here, it's a clear story and I understand you're in a difficult situation. My thoughts can be a bit harsh, but maybe it will give you a new insight.

 

he's a laid back oversized jeans and t-shirt guy who finds haircuts inconvenient and 'nicer clothes' uncomfortable.

 

This sounds as if you look down on him. Also the general impression of your story does give me this idea. You seem to think your philosophy about life is better than his: Solid career, traveling, good looking versus enjoying hobbies, living in a comforting environment, no concerns about clothing. I also get the impression that you seem to think that someone is a better person if he/she is interested in more things, e.g. culture / languages.

 

My personal philosophy lays in between: it's important to have a good job and enjoy what you do, but spending time with family/friends and enjoying your hobbies is at least of equal importance.

 

"I tell him that a solid career is my dream, and that I need to feel supported by the man I'm with."

 

Telling your boyfriend something like this is very unattractive. He has to accept that he cannot take care of you. Practically: you will be making more money, you will be asking him to move to places because you want it.

 

Personally I wouldn't date you because I have my own plans and want my girlfriend to support my plans. I'm not looking for a woman who's making her own big plans and asks me to join her on her journey. I'm talking about big choices here, career, moving, languages. It's possible that you make him unhappy with putting so much pressure on him.

 

The question you should be asking yourself is what kind of man you are looking for and whether a man fits in your plans at all.

Are you looking for a career guy who works all the time and is making plans like you do? How would this fit with your plans? What do you think about the idea of seeing each other not so often because you would be both busy?

Are you looking for a man who would support you in everything and follow you anywhere? Is such a man attractive to you?

 

Career-women with big plans create many difficulties for themselves if they also pursue a happy family life (with kids), that's my idea.

[Meatballsmom]

Sweetie

 

Please ignore the post from the previous poster, as from where he stands he views a woman's role in life to be that of supporting her man, no matter what her goals are in life.

 

It is your life, live it as you want.

 

I don't see your goals to be higher than your bf's, quite simply they are just different, and thankfully your are beginning to see it now before you take this relationship to a higher level.

 

That is the reason we should all take our time dating, and finding out what makes our possible life partner tick before we make that big committment.

A time to find our whether this relationship is doable, and worth making it permanent

 

You don't mention children. Is this in your future? This is something you also need to take into account. The raising of a child is a career in its self.

 

You mention his hobbies, as though they seem to be a big part of his life. There is nothing wrong with one having hobbies, but beware, some times they can take over and become too much of a good thing and rather then enhancing a relationship and drain a relationship

 

I am sorry to say, but I am with you in your thinking that in the long run unless your bf is able to make some changes, this relationship will eventually fail. You have already invested a year and you are having your doubts. Consider what it would be like if you were to put in more years.

I fear the results would still turn out to be the same.

 

You are still at an age where all things are possible, with the passage of time that window continues to get smaller, until it closes forever. And there is no going back

 

Some might see it as selfish for you to reach for your own brass ring. I say it is your life and reach for the golden ring.

 

Is this demanding? Some men might see it as such, but it is your life, find yourself a life partner who shares the same goals as yourself. It is not your job to make him happy, or his job to make you happy.

 

I know that nice guys are scarce, but that is no reason for you to hold back on your dreams. Reach for the stars while you still can

 

Give him another chance, talk to him and tell him again exactly how you feel. And even if he says he will change, remember action speaks louder than words.

 

But until he does makes changes, you will eventually fall out of love with him, and both of you will be hurt in the end.

[khria]

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.

 

Bernardverh: even if I don't quite agree with your views (I don't think my take on life is better; I actually am jealous of a lot of his traits, and for example, wish I could be more relaxed like he is, etc), I appreciate your take. Also, i don't expect him to move to wherever I am and relocate on a whim. This would of course be a lot to ask of a person. But as someone who plans on travelling a lot, I don't think it's too much to ask a man to join me one day and *get on a plane.* This is something that he has never done. I think he would like to fly one day, but I'm not sure he really cares about this right now. i tend to translate that as not caring about the future of our relationship (I am not judging him. I understand people have all kinds of reasons/phobias that stop them from doing things). It just saddens me that he appears to be choosing to keep his phobia over building a happier future together.

 

Also, it's not just 'career women' who "create problems for themselves." Anybody who prioritizes work over relationships is bound to encounter trouble somewhere along the line.

 

Meatballsmom: Thanks for a very reasoned and compassionate answer. I agree that it's wise to take time with dating. You are one of the few responders who *doesn't* think that I'm looking down at him, and this helps a great deal. Of course I care about the man; we've been together for an entire year (and he is my very first bf). I think your last line expresses it best:

 

"But until he does makes changes, you will eventually fall out of love with him, and both of you will be hurt in the end."

 

It is not merely a matter of the relationship not working or our inability to see eye to eye. I worry that it'll be hard to feel positive about him and the relationship if I perceive these differences as his 'reluctance' to work with me and make compromises. In other words, I don't want to feel like the relationship can only exist if I make the majority of compromises and sacrifices. Even a promissory note that we'll work on things at a future date would be nice. At the moment, there's just a lot of uncertainty.

Thanks for your support! :)b

Edited May 9, 2011 by khria

[2.50 a gallon]

khria

 

I can't help but notice that there are several red flags in your posts

 

You never use the word love. It has been a year, and yet love has yet to show its head?

 

"he is my very first bf" - In today's world the very first relationship is almost doomed to fail. There are too many other choices and chances awaiting you in the future, and someday in the future you are going to meet another guy who rings your bells

 

Not only that in the next few years you are going to further mature and grow, probably in a direction away from him. You are already up front with some of his ways that you find annoying and even irratating. Combine that with the next guy you meet who does ring you bell

 

And then you will be giving him the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech

 

Quite simply you are trying to make this relationship work, but in truth hardly any of your needs are being met. You are already noticing cracks in your relationship, and you are basically settling for second best

[khria]

khria

 

I can't help but notice that there are several red flags in your posts

 

You never use the word love. It has been a year, and yet love has yet to show its head?

 

"he is my very first bf" - In today's world the very first relationship is almost doomed to fail. There are too many other choices and chances awaiting you in the future, and someday in the future you are going to meet another guy who rings your bells

 

Not only that in the next few years you are going to further mature and grow, probably in a direction away from him. You are already up front with some of his ways that you find annoying and even irratating. Combine that with the next guy you meet who does ring you bell

 

And then you will be giving him the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech

 

Quite simply you are trying to make this relationship work, but in truth hardly any of your needs are being met. You are already noticing cracks in your relationship, and you are basically settling for second best

 

thanks for your 2 cents. Although, it's hard to read and accept right now, I do worry that that's where we're going to end up. It will have been good for the both of us, I think. We both got to experience what it was like to be in our very first relationships. And yes, there is love there. We tell each other we love each other pretty frequently. I wonder, though, whether this is the love of two people who care about each other a lot, but wouldn't really be able to spend the rest of their lives together because of our not only differing, but opposite goals.. You've given me a lot of think about.