How can I hate him so easily?

[coffeecat]

How do I go from loving and deeply respecting my husband one moment to hating and resenting him the next? How can I feel so keenly, that I want to get away from him one day after feeling so clearly the day before that I could never ever do that to him?

 

He doesn't beat me, or mistreat me. He doesn't cheat on me. He takes care of bills. He loves to make love to me...

 

What is the problem then?

He controls all the decisions in the house and that is where a big part of my hatred comes in. I want to have my own house and do what I want. I like feng shui- minimalism- and he is always bringing in pieces of furniture that we don't need. Also, he is a hoarder- He is junking up our garage and if I DARE to throw something away or try to organize he freaks out because apparantly everything he has is worth some money or he is going to one day sell it etc...

He is always starting home improvement projects that he doesn't finish. That's what the fight we just had was about. He rips things apart ( the fireplace mantle- the bar out of the kitchen- the rug out of the dining room- but then DOESN't complete the project. I am not talking months- but YEARS - YEARS.

 

It sounds so petty. I feel so spoiled... but is it silly to just want to live in a house and feel WHOLE and complete? To live in an environment that is CLEAN, uncluttered and simple? He could blame me- I am not the best housekeeper. His definition of clean is different than mine. When I clean I like to throw things away and simplify. When there is junk everywhere and things ripped apart, I feel lost on where to start.

 

Whenever I try to talk to him it ends up in a fight. I just feel so often that I have never grown up. I don't drive, don't work and can't make decisions about my own damn house. - I am going to school full time- and that is something I should be grateful to him for, right?

 

Maybe I'm just venting because we just had a fight. Our fights are rare because I never bring up the house stuff that is always pissing me off.

[Ms. Joolie]

If all you want is a clean, feng shui house then your husband is ruining your life!! haha

 

If you love him one day for who he is, you have to love him the next day for who he is. You both have strong and weak points, and it's possible for you both to be tried and to grow inside of your marriage.

 

Instead of hating and resenting him, you can grow in your love for him simply by choosing to do so. Being with love for him for the sake of your marriage is more important than being petty over house details.

 

It's okay that you get frustrated. That's human. But you can't choose to be frustrated. You can't choose to hate him, choose to resent him, unless you want to damage your marriage.

 

It's going to have to be a practice for you, as it is for everybody, but by choosing to be patient, accepting and kind (with love, etc) for your husband you are working toward both your benefits. And THEN you might see the home you want.

[whichwayisup]

Get a parttime job, even if it's one day on the weekend. Once you finish school, you will work and contribute more.

 

As for your H, he has a problem, the hoarding? It is something that could get worse, so talk to him about this. A fire hazard, collecting junk and hoarding it everywhere. Hire a cleaning lady if the mess is too much for you. Ask friends, family to help work with your H so he can fix the stuff he's done (fireplace etc). Don't be passive and let this build up, it does get to the point where resentments build up and fights happen, which obviously is going on now.

 

There has to be some sort of compromise, he can't have his way 24/7, that's not how a marriage works. stand up for yourself and try to understand eachother, maybe if he knew how you felt and why he'd change his ways abit more often and if you got where he was coming from, you'd be less irritated by him.

[coffeecat]

Thank you both. I feel better. I have a feeling I am going to make up with him and I am going to feel like this post was stupid. Right now I am avoiding him though.

 

I just want to feel like I have say-so and control over my own house. Also, he is a control freak and would never let anyone ( including me) help him with anything. I tried to paint a room once and he freaked out because supposedly I am suppose to sand it down and put kilz etc.. Oh , and I actually do work from home doing freelance work for companies. I just haven't worked lately as I got focused on school. Maybe he resents me for not working like I used to.

[musemaj11]

The one who pays the bills has the say.

[willma]

He controls all the decisions in the house and that is where a big part of my hatred comes in.

 

Whenever I try to talk to him it ends up in a fight.

 

I don't drive, don't work and can't make decisions about my own damn house.

 

The house issue may be one symptom you are ranting about, but from what you've written here, the real issue is wanting an equal say in your marriage. Dealing with a controlling personality is extremely difficult, to say the least. I don't know him, but it seems like he's been able to control the relationship because he can and feels you have nowhere else to go. Right now, you may feel a little trapped, yourself.

 

Stay in school, get your degree, learn to drive, and regain some independence. However, be very aware that a really controlling spouse can undermine all of that. If you are getting the sense he is getting uncomfortable with you taking more control in your life, it is a huge red flag and time to consider leaving him. Cross that bridge if/when you get there.

 

Good luck

[willma]

The one who pays the bills has the say.

 

I hope you were joking with this one.

 

If you're married, where the money comes from doesn't matter because in a marriage it is always shared. There should be no such thing as MY money or HER money. You're not college roommates. If you're playing that game, then there are some serious trust issues that need to be worked out.

[linwood]

I am exactly like you.

 

I like a very very minimalistic environment.

If it doesn`t have a purpose in my life or provide some type of aesthetic appeal I don`t want it around.

 

However, my wife is a hoarder. There is crap all over my house stashed in overflowing boxes and bins with no rhyme or reason as to any type of organization.

 

She has no designated place for anything.

One day I`ll find the aspirin in the kitchen the next it`s in the laundry room.

I`ve often asked her if she understood why they called that square thing hanging on the wall in the bathroom the "medicine cabinet"

 

Foodstuff, never in the same place twice.Once found the twinkies in the medicine cabinet (I`m not kidding)

 

Her sense of decor is parallel to my grandmothers, little crappy nick knacks everywhere, horridly posed family photos all over the house.

 

Don`t even ask her for an important document as it`ll take her 6 hours searching through a cluster**** of different shoe boxes to find it if she can find it at all.

 

My solution?

Deal with it.

I adore her and while I often find myself horridly uncomfortable in my own house it`s not a deal breaker for me and she`s never going to change.

 

I`ve pretty much taken over our bedroom and turned it into a space I feel comfortable in and I keep it that way.

It`s my room and I allow her no control over it whatsoever it`s my little piece of organized comfort I don`t allow her to screw up.

 

I want to say I`m not an ultra-organized neat freak at all but I could never be comfortable living life the way she does.

[musemaj11]

I hope you were joking with this one.

 

If you're married, where the money comes from doesn't matter because in a marriage it is always shared. There should be no such thing as MY money or HER money. You're not college roommates. If you're playing that game, then there are some serious trust issues that need to be worked out.

In Disney's fantasy land maybe.

 

But in reality, the money makers generally do have the last say in families.

[willma]

In Disney's fantasy land maybe.

 

But in reality, the money makers generally do have the last say in families.

 

 

Hmmm. I guess my wife and I have been in Disneyland for the past 24 years.

[musemaj11]

Hmmm. I guess my wife and I have been in Disneyland for the past 24 years.

Either that or u r one of those whipped husbands.

[xxoo]

Our fights are rare because I never bring up the house stuff that is always pissing me off.

 

This is your part in contributing to the problem.

 

I see a lot of things that are unfair to you (feeling like you have little control in your home), but a spouse that keeps resentments inside and bottled up is unfair to him. And, together, it builds up to the feelings of hate that you are periodically experiencing.

 

I quickly checked your history, and see you've been married a long time. These are long established patterns. If it is something that you want to change, marriage counseling would probably be a good platform for learning to communicate your feelings more openly, and developing a more balanced dynamic from here forward.

 

Hmmm. I guess my wife and I have been in Disneyland for the past 24 years.

 

We're in Disney, too, I guess

[listen777]

HEy I'm new here but on the surface, is this really the issue? I'm thinking that the problem is symptomatic of something deeper in the relationship.

 

Maybe the lack of control over the house is just the tip of the iceberg of lack of control you feel for other things as well? Maybe using the house as a sounding board to tap into the bigger issue?