Found out ex is with another guy

[charly26]

Hi:

 

Last night, I decided to unblock my ex facebook profile to see her profile pic and I saw a pic of her with another guy. They were holding hands and looked happy with each other.

 

It's been a little more that 4 months since I started NC. I admit that I still need to work on myself more, but at the same I feel much better about controlling my emotions and I've always overcome any kind of urge to contact her.

 

I got curious about that pic, and I browsed on other people's profiles to find out more and I discovered that that picture had been taken in another city, famous for its beaches and for its tourist attractions, so my ex had traveled there and was there with this guy and his friends. The guy and his friends are from another country.

 

It sounds a little creepy maybe, but it was just curiosity the reason I did this. In some way, I was still hoping that one day she might initiate any kind of contact to see what happenes. But after seeing this, those hopes faded.

 

I think it was necessary that this happened to really start moving on. I've gone out with many girls, and I also have a good friend with benefits who kinda have some feelings for me, but I always kept that idea about my ex in the back of my mind.

 

I don't feel hurt, I feel those "news" don't make me feel bad now. If I had seen that pic maybe in the first month of NC, I would have felt terrible, but to be honest, I'm even surprised how calm, relaxed, under control I feel.

 

But still that curiosity can make me continue looking for more pics and info, which I think will not be good. I think I'll block her again.

 

You may think it's too much for a girl, well she was my first serious gf, and I was the first man who ****ed her for the first time, but now that's just part of the past and it's clearly that she's moved on in her life.

 

I learned a lot and am still learning from this experience. Just to say this and thank you for posting good things here that were so beneficial to my recovery.

 

Any encouragement words would be appreciated =)

[giuliano-3]

Just an hour ago checked my ex's facebook profile to see she changed her status from "single" to "in a relationship." Pictures abound from her latest travels with him to exotic locales. He is also from another country, she cheated on me/left me when she went to visit family for a week and ended up staying for three months. I'm having the opposite reaction. I'm disgusted. Its obviously timed for their one year anni of meeting each other which means she started cheating on me 5 days after being gone. Never wrote me a break up letter, never called or anything. Just left all her belongings in my place and left.

 

What hurts the most is that we never changed our profiles to "in a relationship" during our time together - thought it was silly. I've had NC for 3 months now, this feels like the final straw. I hate facebook, it makes things so hard for the person who was broken up with. Why can't she just set her profile to private? Its as though she wants to rub this crap in my face. I wish she'd unfriend the one person we have a mutual friendship with (an old family friend of mine) so there is no link.

 

Curiosity sucks.

[charly26]

Guiliano:

 

First thing you need to in my opinion is block her profile. Don't have even the chance to see her profile pic if you weren't even facebook friend.

 

No contact also means for me not being able to see pics of her or know what she's up to. Why would you need to know her wheareabouts?

 

Look at it this way, in order to move on/have the slight chance with her, you need not to know anything about her as I did for more tan 4 months. Now, even though I didn't expect this, I feel alright with myself. I almost care nothing about her.

[fresh8]

When I read you guys' posts, I just think of my ex and my tummy turns. haha

 

In past weeks, I have been on the bus and brainstormed scenarios of my ex initiating contact with me to tell me she had a bf or if I were to initiate contact with her only for her to tell me she had a bf. Every time I think of that, I know that I feel ****.

 

I guess although it is natural, it's something I'd rather not have to hear about or see. That's why she deleted me off facebook because I don't think she wants to see me move on either. So now I'm stuck in this position where I am not sure if her promise to be friends (a promise I made too) will hold true down the track.

 

She has 2 close girl friends who have her in their display pics. Over the past week, I've gotten desensitized to seeing her there. I need to admit that I was unhappy at first to see her face. I think the negative emotions are inspiration enough for me NOT to visit her facebook any time soon.

[giuliano-3]

Thanks for the responses. Didn't realize NC meant no facebook, it makes sense.

 

I unfriended when her mom told me she was living with another man overseas, it was also her mom who told me she was alive after I hadn't heard from her for almost a week when it all first happened. After 3 months she came back to the states and lived with her mom. We became facebook friends again. She started writing me messages on facebook which I responded to. Eventually she called me and we talked for an hour, which led to once a week hour-long conversations from Sep-Jan. In Dec she told me she had "won a ticket to Thailand at the movie theater." I thought this was weird. Her text messages would stay stuff like "its snowing, wish you were here to snuggle under the covers with me" etc. When we'd end our conversations she'd say "I love you baby." Very unhealthy stuff. Made it very hard for me to move on completely. In January I finally asked her who she was going to Thailand with and she told me what I already knew. The guy she cheated on me with in England. She had apparantley been living with him for the entire time over there before coming back.

 

She had kept me on the back burner for 6 months, I was devastated with the finality of her going on another adventure with this man. The night she left I hadn't heard from her for a week or so. I thought she had left without saying goodbye so I unfriended her on facebook and wrote her a nastyish message telling her to also unfriend our mutual friends so there would be no contact. She still hasn't done this. She told me she would be gone for a month and was gone for 3. I haven't spoken to her since the night she left (she called me from the airplane as it was about to depart for Thailand). She was obviously drunk.

 

It is so hard to not occasionaly look at her FB profile. I know it only makes things worse for me, but I can't resist. I've made out with a few girls since, but can't pull the trigger on anything serious. I've gotten many advances, some from girls which I can't believe I didn't act on. Its still killing me. What we had was amazing, I've been around the block and had other girlfriends (had my heart broken and broken one or two). This one was different, or so I thought. I wish I had seen the red flags in technicolor instead of with blinders on. I wish I had acted on my instinct to break up with her on the few occasions I wanted to.

 

Help me get out of the facebook cycle. I've gone almost a month before not looking, but its almost every day or so now again which I take a peek. I like the suggestion of blocking her, but not sure that is enough. It would help if I knew if she ever looked at my page or ever still thought about me. If she does, I'd block her in a second. Out of spite. God, I'm sick right now.

[poorguy]

Thanks for the responses. Didn't realize NC meant no facebook, it makes sense.

 

I unfriended when her mom told me she was living with another man overseas, it was also her mom who told me she was alive after I hadn't heard from her for almost a week when it all first happened. After 3 months she came back to the states and lived with her mom. We became facebook friends again. She started writing me messages on facebook which I responded to. Eventually she called me and we talked for an hour, which led to once a week hour-long conversations from Sep-Jan. In Dec she told me she had "won a ticket to Thailand at the movie theater." I thought this was weird. Her text messages would stay stuff like "its snowing, wish you were here to snuggle under the covers with me" etc. When we'd end our conversations she'd say "I love you baby." Very unhealthy stuff. Made it very hard for me to move on completely. In January I finally asked her who she was going to Thailand with and she told me what I already knew. The guy she cheated on me with in England. She had apparantley been living with him for the entire time over there before coming back.

 

She had kept me on the back burner for 6 months, I was devastated with the finality of her going on another adventure with this man. The night she left I hadn't heard from her for a week or so. I thought she had left without saying goodbye so I unfriended her on facebook and wrote her a nastyish message telling her to also unfriend our mutual friends so there would be no contact. She still hasn't done this. She told me she would be gone for a month and was gone for 3. I haven't spoken to her since the night she left (she called me from the airplane as it was about to depart for Thailand). She was obviously drunk.

 

It is so hard to not occasionaly look at her FB profile. I know it only makes things worse for me, but I can't resist. I've made out with a few girls since, but can't pull the trigger on anything serious. I've gotten many advances, some from girls which I can't believe I didn't act on. Its still killing me. What we had was amazing, I've been around the block and had other girlfriends (had my heart broken and broken one or two). This one was different, or so I thought. I wish I had seen the red flags in technicolor instead of with blinders on. I wish I had acted on my instinct to break up with her on the few occasions I wanted to.

 

Help me get out of the facebook cycle. I've gone almost a month before not looking, but its almost every day or so now again which I take a peek. I like the suggestion of blocking her, but not sure that is enough. It would help if I knew if she ever looked at my page or ever still thought about me. If she does, I'd block her in a second. Out of spite. God, I'm sick right now.

 

Wow today is a Facebook day on LS. If something hurts you avoid it. You are'nt going to get any information that is going to help you from Facebook. What I would suggest is to delete your account for now altogther and decompress from electronic life for awhile and just reaquaint yourself with life and what is was prior to Facebook. Give it some time and you will feel better I promise!!!

[Ghosst]

I find it hard to resist looking. Sometimes I go days without looking. I am hoping it will get better. I know looking will cause me pain but its almost as if feeling the pain makes me face the fact that I was never truly loved and there is no chance to reconcile. Seeing your ex involved with someone new makes you realize you could not have been important to them if they moved on quickly.

[LCA1986]

That is always tough and painful, to find out that your ex has moved on to someone else. But you know what? I think finding out this can give you a needed strength to actually move forward on. It did give me a little push to block her out entirely of my life after I found out her relationship status on facebook. It gave me more strength to not contact her... at all. I still miss her terribly, but I dont really have the urges to contact her.

[giuliano-3]

Wow today is a Facebook day on LS. If something hurts you avoid it. You are'nt going to get any information that is going to help you from Facebook. What I would suggest is to delete your account for now altogther and decompress from electronic life for awhile and just reaquaint yourself with life and what is was prior to Facebook. Give it some time and you will feel better I promise!!!

 

Thanks, I have wanted to delete my account at times. The only thing holding me back is that I have friends all over the world I'd like to keep in touch with. I have to be honest, though - when I post something on my wall 80% of the time it is with her seeing it in mind. Maybe deleting it for now would be the best move. Also thinking about asking my family friend to unfriend her so we have no more friends in common.

 

If I block her does that mean she won't be able to see my page and vice versa? I'm thinking that might be the answer.

[poorguy]

Thanks, I have wanted to delete my account at times. The only thing holding me back is that I have friends all over the world I'd like to keep in touch with. I have to be honest, though - when I post something on my wall 80% of the time it is with her seeing it in mind. Maybe deleting it for now would be the best move. Also thinking about asking my family friend to unfriend her so we have no more friends in common.

 

If I block her does that mean she won't be able to see my page and vice versa? I'm thinking that might be the answer.

 

I'm not sure how the blocking thing works. I got rid of my FB a couple years ago because I could'nt stand what I was seeing. So I ejected long before the actual breakup. There are a ton of people on here that can tell you what blocking them will acomplish though.

 

I vote for getting rid of it all together for the time being. For me it was like taking the freaking noose of my neck, meaning I could breathe again. Just my take on what you should do. I mean for now ask yourself this.....Will my life get worse if I let facebook go for awhile????? Answer is no it won't!!!

[EmperorR]

Block and delete

Give it a few months and you won't care anymore

[giuliano-3]

Just need a confirmation that blocking her will disallow looking at my profile and my looking at hers. If this is the case I will block her immediately. Not ready to delete my account, in some way I think that's letting her win. Thanks all!

 

p.s. - if she had blocked me from her account I would have known it, right?

Edited May 6, 2011 by giuliano-3

[charly26]

guiliano:

 

If you block her, she won't be able to see your profile either. Not even posts you put on others' people profiles. Go ahead. It's my advice. In the long run, it's part of a group of things you need to do to recover yourself.

 

I' talking from my own experience.

[giuliano-3]

Thanks Charly. Here goes. Big moment. Blocking is about to commence.

[giuliano-3]

I find it hard to resist looking. Sometimes I go days without looking. I am hoping it will get better. I know looking will cause me pain but its almost as if feeling the pain makes me face the fact that I was never truly loved and there is no chance to reconcile. Seeing your ex involved with someone new makes you realize you could not have been important to them if they moved on quickly.

 

Block her! I feel better already. Its an addiction to look at her profile no matter how benevolent your intentions are. Plus I'm pretty sure she still looked at my profile also (she has poked me a couple times this past month). So, now she has no chance to see my progression away from her. Bonus!

 

As for how important we were to them, I wouldn't be so sure about what you say. I think they are merely filling a void which was left behind by their actions. They still think about us, and I refuse to believe I was never important to her. If you feel this way too often it leads down the path of guilt/shame/insecurity. F that! They are the ones who should eventually have all of the emotional baggage. Doing us they way they did was a short term fix for their inability to cope with feelings of guilt and responsibility. In my case she also had serious abandonment issues which reared their ugly head at the end. She needed to abandon me before I abandoned her.

 

Blocking them from your FB is AWESOME!!!! Do it, its only been minutes but I already feel that the weight I've struggled to lift for a year is finally gone forever. If she wants to go through the hassle of looking me up/finding me again in the future - so be it. I want no part of her in my life right now.

[Good Arms]

p.s. - if she had blocked me from her account I would have known it, right?

 

You wouldn't get a notification or anything, but yeah, you'd know it, as you wouldn't be able to find her profile, you wouldn't see ANYTHING from her... posts on other people's pages, photos she's tagged in etc. I guess only photos on other people's pages where she hasn't been tagged would still be visible if she blocked you.

 

Blocking is definitely the right option - well done. And now you can forget about posting anything with the intention of her reading it. Just remember, even the blocking method is all too easily reversible (though any friendship link that blocking breaks is not; you'd have to re-add as friends) so try and maintain an iron will - remind yourself that relapsing to have a snoop can only cause pain. I know, because I've been there several times.

[Moutonrose]

after a breakup I must say that Facebook is the worste place to go for the dumpee....after my bf left me I was always on trying to get in every nook and crannie to see what he was up too...I finaly blocked allll our common friends, and his friends. then I just deleted my account...I couldnt take it anymore...I was starting to obssess about everything...then I noticed that he blocked me..

 

the site has its advantages but when it comes to a breakup you are better off just getting off for a long long time...and I mean untile your life is stable again and that you will be able to face the fact eventually that you might see some stuff pasa bout your ex and that you will be able to deal with it correctly.

 

always remember that what you dont know wont hurt you, so get off now

[Layzie89]

NC for almost 4 months now. Tried blocking her but the reality of it is that I didn't have enough self control at the time. It was too easy to unblock her to see her profile. I needed something more so I deactivated my FB completely and it has helped so much. You shoildn't be worried about losing contact with friends because you'll find that the friends that matter will still manage to stay in touch despite you having deactivated your FB. You know, how we USED to contact friend prior to this whole FB crap emerged. It's also nice to just disconnect yourself from cyperspace as well. If you find yourself unblocking her to check her profile, do what I did. Hopefully that isn't the case but just my two cents if ever.

[0hpenelope]

Hi:

 

Last night, I decided to unblock my ex facebook profile to see her profile pic and I saw a pic of her with another guy. They were holding hands and looked happy with each other.

 

It's been a little more that 4 months since I started NC. I admit that I still need to work on myself more, but at the same I feel much better about controlling my emotions and I've always overcome any kind of urge to contact her.

 

I got curious about that pic, and I browsed on other people's profiles to find out more and I discovered that that picture had been taken in another city, famous for its beaches and for its tourist attractions, so my ex had traveled there and was there with this guy and his friends. The guy and his friends are from another country.

 

It sounds a little creepy maybe, but it was just curiosity the reason I did this. In some way, I was still hoping that one day she might initiate any kind of contact to see what happenes. But after seeing this, those hopes faded.

 

I think it was necessary that this happened to really start moving on. I've gone out with many girls, and I also have a good friend with benefits who kinda have some feelings for me, but I always kept that idea about my ex in the back of my mind.

 

I don't feel hurt, I feel those "news" don't make me feel bad now. If I had seen that pic maybe in the first month of NC, I would have felt terrible, but to be honest, I'm even surprised how calm, relaxed, under control I feel.

 

But still that curiosity can make me continue looking for more pics and info, which I think will not be good. I think I'll block her again.

 

You may think it's too much for a girl, well she was my first serious gf, and I was the first man who ****ed her for the first time, but now that's just part of the past and it's clearly that she's moved on in her life.

 

I learned a lot and am still learning from this experience. Just to say this and thank you for posting good things here that were so beneficial to my recovery.

 

Any encouragement words would be appreciated =)

Yup, you're reaping the benefits of NC. You definitely know that you need to lay low and/or stay away from her for a while because of this new relationship, but honestly... the ex finding someone isn't the end all/be all issue that most people treat it as. It's a good kick-in-the-butt to get you healing faster, but I've learned not to sweat that kind of stuff as I don't know what's really happening with the ex and the focus must stay on me. Nothing anyone does - yes, that includes the ex - will affect me because all of the validation I need comes from me. That new relationship has nothing to do with me or our relationship then and I'm just going to keep goin' on my merry way because I need to keep moving forward.

 

Perhaps this is something that might work for you, too.

I empathize with your feelings of loss.

[charly26]

Thanks Penelope:

 

I was expecting those words really. It's been hard these last 4 months, but as you said i'm tasting the benefits of NC.

 

I was in love, now I don't exactly what I feel for her. It's not hate, either. It's like a girl I've never been with.

 

Definitely, blocking her in fb played a huge part in my recovery, and I'm glad that I did it. I strongly recommend doing that to people in similar situations like mine

[giuliano-3]

Ahh, so I've been wondering about how many people go through "block/unblock" phases. I personally haven't had the urge yet, but it hasn't been 24 hours. Finding this site, so far, has been the outlet I needed to move on into a more positive mindset.

 

I get what you're saying about not hating, Charly. I can see my progression into that way of thinking. The most immediate hurdle I'm having is how to approach the movies/music/books that we enjoyed together. So many. It was I, in most cases, who introduced her to them. My gut tells me she still feels some guilt any time she comes across one. My gut tells me she is gutted by my blocking her on FB. But who knows. And who cares. As Penelope said, its all about me now - F thinking about what she is going through or feeling.

 

I want to start re-watching 'The Wire' again but can't quite do it. Do you all think this would be helpful/cathartic to moving on or would it possibly open up a negative can of worms?

[0hpenelope]

I want to start re-watching 'The Wire' again but can't quite do it. Do you all think this would be helpful/cathartic to moving on or would it possibly open up a negative can of worms?

Watch it when you feel ready to. I've been on this site long enough to see the pattern of people dunking themselves in things that they shared with the ex and it's made them do stupid stuff such as calling the ex while crying.

 

I mean, that's part of someone's healing process and all. I advocate NC too, but I encourage breaking it so that the person will learn the lesson of why being in it to detach is absolutely important. It can be said that you shouldn't give up something you enjoy because of a break-up and while that's true, you don't have to give it up forever. Just for now.

 

Or your want to watch The Wire is stronger than the setback you think you will get. Sometimes we overhype ourselves, too. My ex's "song for me" still plays on the radio and I can sit through it now with detachment, even on the first month of the break up. I thought I'd be hysterical.

 

There are so many options. You don't want to be reminded of your ex, but for now, you'll be reminded of her anyway. Watch it when you're ready.

[giuliano-3]

Watch it when you feel ready to. I've been on this site long enough to see the pattern of people dunking themselves in things that they shared with the ex and it's made them do stupid stuff such as calling the ex while crying.

 

I mean, that's part of someone's healing process and all. I advocate NC too, but I encourage breaking it so that the person will learn the lesson of why being in it to detach is absolutely important. It can be said that you shouldn't give up something you enjoy because of a break-up and while that's true, you don't have to give it up forever. Just for now.

 

Or your want to watch The Wire is stronger than the setback you think you will get. Sometimes we overhype ourselves, too. My ex's "song for me" still plays on the radio and I can sit through it now with detachment, even on the first month of the break up. I thought I'd be hysterical.

 

There are so many options. You don't want to be reminded of your ex, but for now, you'll be reminded of her anyway. Watch it when you're ready.

 

Thanks, I've had a pattern (this has gone on for a year) of NC then contact. Although I've had to change my definition of NC after being on here, realizing that e-stalking is definitely contact of a sort. Its the reaching out to feel that person's presence again. Its a sickness/addiction which I've had for pretty much a full year up until the past 24 hours.

 

There are so many shows/movies/songs from our time together. It would be unfair to not enjoy these things again. Earlier today I got the thought "how great it would be to introduce some of these things to my next girlfriend." The fact I'm thinking about falling in love again has got to be a positive sign. I know I need to work out some issues with the past before I can truly move forward with the right person, however. Pretty close to getting back on the wagon and going for a ride on another adventure. Feels great. Thanks for your input, I think I'll go ahead and watch an episode tonight before bed. Probably not ready for 'The Muppet Show' though. In time. In time...

[WiseOne1]

Just an hour ago checked my ex's facebook profile to see she changed her status from "single" to "in a relationship." Pictures abound from her latest travels with him to exotic locales. He is also from another country, she cheated on me/left me when she went to visit family for a week and ended up staying for three months. I'm having the opposite reaction. I'm disgusted. Its obviously timed for their one year anni of meeting each other which means she started cheating on me 5 days after being gone. Never wrote me a break up letter, never called or anything. Just left all her belongings in my place and left.

 

What hurts the most is that we never changed our profiles to "in a relationship" during our time together - thought it was silly. I've had NC for 3 months now, this feels like the final straw. I hate facebook, it makes things so hard for the person who was broken up with. Why can't she just set her profile to private? Its as though she wants to rub this crap in my face. I wish she'd unfriend the one person we have a mutual friendship with (an old family friend of mine) so there is no link.

 

Curiosity sucks.

 

Same thing here, after me and my EX GF broke up she did the same thing on her Myspace page.

 

She would just leave it "single" as her relationship status, and only had 1 picture of me, but when she got with him, she had his pictures ALL OVER and changed her status to "in a relationship".

 

It was like she was his marketing manager or something, she marketed the hell out of there relationship on her site, I think this caused me to move on, this was the last straw.