BETRAYED and HUMILIATED by father and brother. and needed.

[Capes Agot]

Basicly my Father and brother betrayed me cut me out of the family business and then humiliated me at a wedding in fromt of my entire family.

I must act. Here is the full story as I see it. I am 39 and live close to my family.

 

I came home exhausted from Angola in 1999 after nearly 10 years of working and traveling abroad. I had had a breakdown but I tried to work through it. Dad was working for an Architectural practice they were looking for draftsmen. So I took the opportunity and for a number off years I worked there. Dad was head draftsman and we worked on the same projects. You could say I served an apprenticeship under him. I realized after a few years unwell had to stop full time work. Mum and Dad supported me. Without their help I don’t know how I would have got back on my feet.

 

During this time my local rugby club asked me to do some voluntary work for them. The job was to draw up Architectural plans for a new club house. My father, my brother, and I where talking about starting a business together. I began to pick up quite a few clients through the rugby club and through friends. Then rugby club asked me to manage the construction of our new clubhouse. It is a full time job so Dad and I felt that a fee of €10,000 was fair. We needed professional indemnity insurance to take the job. Dad was then the only one who was professionally qualified enough to get viably priced insurance at the time. My father discovers that Architectural Insurance must be kept for 10 years after a company stops practicing. It’s around $2,000 a year. So as I am leaving for the meeting with the rugby club to sign the contract Dad tells me he has decided to pull out due to the insurance. This causes some big arguments. My fathers firm end up taking the contract on and he project manages the job. I had done all the work his firm took the money etc. He alters the design from what was agreed by between myself and the Rugby Club Committee or by the county council. This causes further arguments.

 

I just work away with the clients I have for a while. Then I am asked to do some design sketches for the development of my local town centre. The client likes the sketches so I get offered the job it’s a huge job $300,000 in fees at least. I approach my father and Brother telling them about the job and to see if they are interested as its too big a job for myself alone. Same again Dad commits until the last minuet and then pulls out. So I complete the design sketches and do some combined work with an Architectural firm. The firm takes the main contract and I receive a small fee.

 

So I took out my own insurance and concentrated on my business a year or so passed. The my father my brother and I start talking about getting into business together again. So my father and brother began using my business name I got Dad some clients and the brother began getting clients himself. Then we agree that we are going into business together. Durring this time my father and mother had their my two brothers and I a small plot each on which to build a house.

 

Soon after my father and brother go looking at offices together without telling me which causes my father and I to have another argument. Then one Sunday at home my brothers partner comes up to me saying “I cant believe what what your father and brother are going to do to you. They are going to cut you out of the business”. So I take a breather to calm myself down and talk to a friend. So I approach them trying to be as calm and business like as possible. I said “I think we need to talk about the business when would be the best time for you guys? My brother replies “I have decided to start my own planning and Architecture business I have invited Dad into the business and I dont want you in it”. Dad suggested that we met the next day to discuss the business. My brother said “No I don’t want him in my business” I said to “I was under the understanding that we where all going into business together”. He said “No I don’t want you in my business”. I said as nonchalantly as possible fine and left. They opened up a business with big offices took as many of my clients as they could. I am furious at this point.

 

I worked away with clients that I had but my heart wasn’t in it any more every time I looked at an Architectural DWG I got mad. I got angry one day and told my brother, I would “Deck him if he ever stabbed me in the back again” We stopped talking. My youngest brother just thought we were mad to try and go into business together. Their business went ok for a while. I sold all my computers printers CAD programs to Dad and Brendon (I don’t think they believed I had invested so much) and went off on the trip. I went traveling for a while to cool off lent after a few months started running low on cash lent some money from my father. After I got back I told him I wasn’t going to repay him because he screwed me in the business. I know so childish but I wanted him to know what it felt like to get screwed.

 

My brother was about to get married I said I didn’t want to go to the wedding unless we talked things through. A councilor was arranged my brother, father and myself where going to meet up and talk things through. My brother refused to go. Coming up to the wedding I was told Comming up to the wedding I was told everyone wanted me to go and I was willing to forgive and forget. The night before the wedding was to be a family night. So I agreed to go a room was reserved for me. I arrived paid for my room.Stared chatting with all the family when my father asked me to come with him he took me into a room and told me that my brother didn’t want me at the wedding and I should leave! My youngest brother asked me to stay calm and went and spoke with Brendon in an attempt to solve the problem. No good. So I suggested that I would stay for that night and then the next day leave saying I was ill, as I wanted to see everyone. No Good. I had to leave immediately! So I drove off thought about the whole situation for a while and came back. I felt I had to stand my ground. So I bought Brendon a drink and sat in the bar talking to the family. Brendon came in and shouted at me that I should F**K OFF. Told his aunty tried to calm him down he told her to **** off she was just a bitch and launched to attack her when my youngest brother rugby tackled him to the ground. The brother was pinned down and some of my family took me to my room and I with some close family and we tried to understand what was happening. Next day my brothers partner told me to f**k off in front off my grandma (Grampa had passed away just a few months before I had been with him). My gran talked to me and asked me to leave.

 

 

Following the wedding things didn’t improve much. Dad and Mum prevented me from selling my site which had planning permission on for a house. They tried to enforce conditions on me using ownership of the site as the whip. I had to get a solicitor to threaten legal action before they agreed to back off. No one talked for about a year. I got a flat in the local town. I was so angry I couldn’t sleep on several occasions I left my house to go looking for my father and brother to beat them up. I read a lot Dostoyevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov helped, meditated, did rugby training, did crosswords and drew. About a year or so later Dad approached me and asked if I would join him and see a family councillor. The counselling really helped and things did really improve between dad and me for quite sometime. Then basicly I think they wanted the business all for themselves. They have show them selves willing to destroy my life to take all for themselves.

 

I am still mistreated by by my brother and his wife. They have built a house next to where I am building mine. They write letters to the council telling tales trying to get me in trouble. They can’t do too much because they lied on their Planning Application and they know I know. I now have nieces and nephews (apart from my youngest brothers son). This has all been effecting my mother and she had a crisis about four months ago and took too many sleeping tablets. She told me about it when Dad tried to keep it a secret. Dad told me he felt that I was totally responsible for Mum’s state of mind. I researched the problem and found that that kind of behaviour is common in a cold severe family situation. So I consulted a psychologist wrote to my brothers and father saying that we needed improve the family situation for mum. My youngest brother was the only one who wrote back and we met up and we now try to make a effort with Mum. She is really well now and we make an effort to spoil her. She has enough to keep her busy with all her grand children.

I am getting ready to go working abroad again. I need a steady income in order to get the loan I need to complete my house. Its no good being self employed in the current climate. At the moment some nights I cant sleep and I lay thinking about revenge. I feel I must do something to regain my dinity and self respect. I used to protect my brother from bullies in school. They cant get away with this continued behavor or god help me I will beat the hell out of both of them. Help me decide what to do. Please

 

 

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[KikiW]

My first instinct is to get a lawyer to handle the business aspects of your problems. My next thought is that you should seek counseling for your family issues. These have been going on a LONG time and seem to just build up until someone explodes. It sounds like everyone has a hand in making this family more dysfunctional, so the best thing to do is figure out how best to handle YOUR part and let them figure out the rest.

[Capes Agot]

Thanks for the advice KikiW, Ill get som more legal advice. My brother will avoid comming into contact with me. He has been asked by the family to come to counciling but has refused. Perhaps the legal avenue might force him to the table. So you feel I should walk away get on with my own life and let it be.

[Mimolicious]

I got one thing to say: Karma.

 

(sit back and let it do it's thing)

 

Sorry that you are dealing with this. Get yourself some legal rep.

[spiderowl]

Hard to know what's happening as we only see your side of the story. But, assuming it's all entirely true, it could be that your brother is jealous of you and trying to 'keep your father all to himself', so to speak. In this case, your father might not see what's happening and won't understand why everyone is at loggerheads all the time. He'll be wanting to keep the peace and there are some signs that he has tried to make peace.

 

I agree with the other poster that if there are legal issues you need legal advice.

 

Counselling might help you personally and I would say you need it. You sound under a great deal of pressure and very bitter. It is not good to let this go on without seeking help for yourself. Counselling will allow you to talk about your feelings and to feel valued by someone who has no vested interest in the dispute. Family counselling might not help if your brother refuses to being involved.

 

I can only suggest that you change tack and instead of being vengeful and angry with your brother, you decide to forge a new life which is positive and where you are warm and kind towards all family members. If you ignore any antagonistic behaviour on their part, they will be at a loss and they will start wondering where it all went wrong in the first place. I realise this would involve self-control on your part and detachment. If you think of it as rising above their petty squabbles, it might help. The idea is not to fan the fire but to build something positive and good instead. Your brother may never come around but at least you will know you didn't allow this downward spiral to continue. It would also be so much better for your mother to know you are getting past this war-like situation.

 

Do let us know how you get on.

[Capes Agot]

Thank you all for the kind advice. I believe that you are right spiderowl regarding the brother father issue."Karma" is to an extent working saddly for my father and brother. The big offices they took on disapeared after the ecconomic collaps and the brother built his house a peak times and now is facing bankrupcy. It dosent give me any feeling of satisfatcion as it of course it effects the lives of my neices and nephews aswell. The fact that I counciled against going too big too soon and against building just seems to make me even more the "Bad Guy". Its time for me to move on I think for some time. I had these idealistic Ideas about comming home and setting up a happy full life. Ill miss the friends Ive made and my family in the good times but Im lucky at least I can move on. I cant live in the situation here much longer.

[google_girl]

I dont know complete story so i wont draw any conclusion.

But I would like to note few things.You are not learning lesson from what has happened.If you have done this pretty much early then you could have avoid this situation.

See i am a self employed person as well and being in business i have learn one thing and that is have complete control on your business.Dont open your secrets and the tricks to anybody else in your circle.

Also be completely independent.You see you depended on your dad for insurance and then he manipulated whole situation for his own self.

 

One more thing keep personal relationships and business,money matter totally different.Business is ruthless competition and if this starts withing family its obviously gonna break family unit.

 

If i was you i would cut with your elder brother and dad and maintain relationship with younger brother and mother.If you try to take revenge your mother is going to suffer.So i dont think so its a good idea.

 

Best revenge will be dont forgive and build your business once again from scratch.Show your father adn bother your capacity.If you can maintain higher quality and competitive prices clients are going to come back to you.Dominate them in business field.Show them they are scum bags and cant succeed backstabbing you.

[Capes Agot]

Thanks Google Girl thats an interesting idea. Ill give your angle some thought.

[Trojan John]

You know how it works in this industry : Never go into business with family, and never get married to a project.

 

Some of my family approached me years back about forming a company doing design and construction management. But because I know my family (habits, mentalities, etc.), I politely declined.

 

Get a qualified partner and start your own practice. Sell your plot and get the hell away from your toxic family members.

[Capes Agot]

I ended up beating up my Dad and I am planning to give my brother a black eye. I know that its pathetic but I couldnt live with the level of betrayal. Have moved away from situation things are getting better.