Misconceptions about what men and women want from eachother

[xxoo]

I would have to say no, but if she is continually throwing herself at me, I would get bored because I am a hunter, not a gatherer.

 

I have seen my wife battle with this in her head, she wants sex, but she doesn't want to be too easy about getting it from me. Unlike what Nordic says, she knows being direct will get her sex, but she doesn't want sex, she wants to be f^cked, and if she wants that she has to play games with me so I want it as bad as she does. Otherwise it's just what I like to call maintanence sex, turning the valve and releasing the pressure. Enough maintenance sex in a long term relationship and you can say goodbye to the relationship.

 

I appreciate the difference between maintenance sex and getting truly wild. They both have their place, and we have both in the course of a month.

 

But I've never had a time when I wanted to F and couldn't get H to want it as bad as I did. His desire seems to be tied to my "sluttiness" in bed, which increases dramatically when I want to F!

 

Still--that is me being even more available. So it makes me wonder about the assertion that men grow bored with easy.

[Kristi can't sleep]

I usually sympathize with bitter men on here because I know exactly where it comes from but I think Musmanj11 is just a troll.

 

Yeah, I'm just skipping those posts now.

 

Men claim to not understand women but I think that women misunderstand men just as much.

 

Lol, absolutely. My husband and I just started really talking about what's been going on. Not sure what to make of it yet, but that much is obvious.

 

I think the issue is that for both genders think the opposite sex has it so much better than they really do and it causes resentments. That is why I have said that if all men and women switched places for about six months it would improve many things.

 

EXACTLY. That was my interest from the beginning with this question. We (either gender) assume something, get hurt, angry, whatever, and it builds resentment - which we then act on, whether by thought or action, and what was initially nothing more than simple miscommunication becomes a complicated mess.

 

...and some people have every reason to feel bitter, especially when the opposite sex parent was abusive. I think we talked about that somewhere else.

 

A zillion things can cause miscommunication between people: personality, upbringing, personal history, etc., but having an abusive past by that parent is a whopper, because it leaves a nagging feeling that "men" as a whole or "women" as a whole may have the same character as that parent (deep down).

 

...and at the slightest bump we think, "ah ha! I KNEW this was going to happen", especially because being treated badly or being betrayed feels much more natural and easy to believe for someone whose grown up under abuse than love does.

 

We end up suspicious of people really caring about us - there's always the worry of the rug being pulled from under your feet.

[DufenSchmertz]

Men don't invariably go cold just because a woman sleeps with him quickly. Lots of relationships start out from ONS and flings. What's critical is the woman. If she sleeps with this guy quickly because she's emotionally damaged and generally promiscuous, then yeah she's not going to be too attractive as a relationship partner. But, if she sleeps with this guy quickly because they made a genuine connection, then plenty of guys will be happy to continue a relationship with her. But a guy doesn't want to commit if she will sleep around with anyone.

 

That shouldn't be very hard to understand, should it?

[DufenSchmertz]

Do men get bored with their wives if their wives are very sexually available to them?

 

No, not at all--unless they view their marriage as a game or competition with their spouse to be won or lost.

 

Sadly, in many cases, the spouses are competitive with each other in numerous areas, one being sex.

 

So, you have women (as described above) doing things like withholding sex for eight months because the man didn't jump through the right set of hoops? Um, honey, that means you just denied yourself sex for eight months too, didn't you?

 

Normal healthy wives don't use sex as a reward or punishment, they enjoy sex for its own sake. If they have an issue about some other aspect of the relationship they can address that without using sex as the hostage.

 

Too many women are raised (despite the lip service given to feminism) to put their primary value in their ability to withhold sex or bestow it if the man does what they want.

 

"You weren't affectionate enough to me, or in the right way, therefore, no sex for eight months." Kind of ridiculous. Why not stop doing the laundry or grocery shopping or washing the dishes for eight months instead?

 

Also, I think women with the ability to withhold sex from their husbands for such long periods don't really love or respect their husbands in the first place, and never did. They married them for practical reasons such as income, and they're bitter and resentful that somehow they were "forced" to marry someone when they thought they could do "better." Of course it's not something they usually dare articulate until they have already embarked on an affair or filed for divorce, so they express it by withholding sex based on some conjured up excuse.

 

Women who really love their husbands generally find a way to make love to them on a regular basis even if there are other problems in the relationship.

 

The no sex for eight months thing is totally on the withholder.

[DufenSchmertz]

 

We (either gender) assume something, get hurt, angry, whatever, and it builds resentment - which we then act on, whether by thought or action, and what was initially nothing more than simple miscommunication becomes a complicated mess.

 

...and some people have every reason to feel bitter, especially when the opposite sex parent was abusive. I think we talked about that somewhere else.

 

A zillion things can cause miscommunication between people: personality, upbringing, personal history, etc., but having an abusive past by that parent is a whopper, because it leaves a nagging feeling that "men" as a whole or "women" as a whole may have the same character as that parent (deep down).

 

...and at the slightest bump we think, "ah ha! I KNEW this was going to happen", especially because being treated badly or being betrayed feels much more natural and easy to believe for someone whose grown up under abuse than love does.

 

We end up suspicious of people really caring about us - there's always the worry of the rug being pulled from under your feet.

 

This may be true but doesn't answer the question of why so many women (women much more so than men) are so readily capable of deprioritizing marital sex as their expression of these fears.

 

This is a learned behavior. How does a married woman learn that withholding sex from her spouse is the way to get whatever it is she thinks she wants?

 

The same women who withhold sex for months or years at a time wouldn't dream of not doing the grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, or not going to work for months or years at a time. Why is it so easy for them to not have sex with their husbands for such lengthy periods?

 

The only viable answer is that this subset of women never really cared to have sex with their husbands in the first place. They were never really turned on by their husband--they married for other reasons--finance, because it was expected, to have children, who knows? They were always going through the motions sexually, even at the beginning of the relationship, where they may have been able to fake passion so as to draw the man into the relationship.

 

What other explanation is there for always leaving it pitch black during sex? Because you don't want to see your partner and you don't want your partner to see you. In the dark, you can imagine anything you want. I would bet money that the woman who insists on always having it pitch dark during sex is imagining she is doing it with someone other than her husband.

 

Always doing it missionary? Never trying anything new? In their minds that's the "minimum" amount of sexuality they can give, so they give the minimum.

 

The reality is that they don't want to have sex with their husbands.

 

Most likely the husbands themselves were probably not very experienced, or they would not have settled for sexually unsatisfactory relationships. They were probably just happy to have sex, period. They loved their wives and perhaps the wives loved them, but just weren't turned on by them.

 

It's sad because it seems to be so prevalent.

[nordic]

Yet millions of poor women are having babies next to crack dealers.......

 

My point was, if you bothered to understand it was: that women are attracted to men with ambitions, goals and strength. Women will be attracted to a poor man with ambitions and goals to do better in life.

 

i did understand.

 

1) women are attracted to men with potential.

 

2) they are also attracted to men who has done well.

 

both are true, you disregarded the last one. read your own post.

[nordic]

Because men are hunters and easy prey bores us to death

 

no, wrong.

 

and stop with the hunter bs. you dont hunt at all, probably never did.

[nordic]

Do men get bored with their wives if their wives are very sexually available to them?

 

no, obviously not. so that shows how wrong this is.

[nordic]

Because you only wanted the sex, and you got it (there was no interest in a relationship to begin with).

 

From the bolded, it sounds like you didn't have the same emotional response when there was more interest than sex on your part.

 

ok, yes. i should have added that i was interested in a relationship before the sex, otherwise you may be correct. it can also be that.

 

but even if i am interested to start with, too easy sex will still make me go cold.

 

the reason is that i will unconsiously wonder how often she is doing this. and with how many men she did it with before. and since i didnt invest much yet, i might as well get out now, instead of get attached and then have to end it later with all the aggravation that follows.

 

i had a girl sleep with me after 20 minutes, she had seen me before. after knowing that she does that, there is no way i ever believe anything she would tell me about her history, that would be acceptable. i might as well never get involved to start with.

 

funny thing is. nothing a girl do with me, can ever make her dirty or cheap in my eyes, so its not the sex with me that is, in any way, a problem. its what it implies that she did with other men that makes me go cold.

 

when i have made exceptions though, and let my male ego weigh in on the argument, it will sound like "oh, she never does this with other men, its just with me, coz i am so special, who could resist this" . sorry. its just never that way. when i do make exceptions, they always always always have baggage, and it just leads to a later break up, and a lot more work. so, my biology is actually working for me, trying to protect me it seems, which might be why these emotions are there in the first place:-)

[nordic]

Nordic do me a favor and don't put into the group you call MAN, because you are in for a lonely, unfulfilled life with the attitude you have. You attack anyone that doesn't agree with your warped point of view, then you spout on using poor examples of how you are right, and we are wrong.

i agree with some of things you say, but when you get into a REAL long term relationship I would like to hear from you then.

I feel sorry for you if you continue with this attitude about women, you will truly be lonely if it doesn't change.

I think your mom should have hugged you more, and I think your dad should have kicked your as# more

 

yes domestic violence is always the key to raising sound children, you are proof of that:-)

 

mmm, then i will see the light, and become a hunter and start stalking my wife for sex, like you do? tempting:)

[nordic]

I would have to say no, but if she is continually throwing herself at me, I would get bored because I am a hunter, not a gatherer.

 

I have seen my wife battle with this in her head, she wants sex, but she doesn't want to be too easy about getting it from me. Unlike what Nordic says, she knows being direct will get her sex, but she doesn't want sex, she wants to be f^cked, and if she wants that she has to play games with me so I want it as bad as she does. Otherwise it's just what I like to call maintanence sex, turning the valve and releasing the pressure. Enough maintenance sex in a long term relationship and you can say goodbye to the relationship.

 

i thought you were a hunter who didnt like easy prey. this prey seems to be locked up and trying to get you to hit it:-)

 

want to change that theory?

[nordic]

I appreciate the difference between maintenance sex and getting truly wild. They both have their place, and we have both in the course of a month.

 

But I've never had a time when I wanted to F and couldn't get H to want it as bad as I did. His desire seems to be tied to my "sluttiness" in bed, which increases dramatically when I want to F!

 

Still--that is me being even more available. So it makes me wonder about the assertion that men grow bored with easy.

 

you may not be married to a "hunter":)

 

we dont grow bored easily. at least i dont. i will generally match womens horniness at least after a very short catch up phase, in case she starts off horny before i am aware, eg sleeping.

 

i dont hink a woman needs to worry about that part much, unless they are married to tnttim, then they need to work on their sluttiness and pretend to be prey to get nailed:-)

[nordic]

Men don't invariably go cold just because a woman sleeps with him quickly. Lots of relationships start out from ONS and flings. What's critical is the woman. If she sleeps with this guy quickly because she's emotionally damaged and generally promiscuous, then yeah she's not going to be too attractive as a relationship partner. But, if she sleeps with this guy quickly because they made a genuine connection, then plenty of guys will be happy to continue a relationship with her. But a guy doesn't want to commit if she will sleep around with anyone.

 

That shouldn't be very hard to understand, should it?

 

that is all true.

 

but if this girl gets in bed with you after a few hours, whats the likelihood she never did that before in her life. we have massive egos to protect as, and let us believe that this is the case of course. but, most often the girl will end up having a lot of history.

 

so yes, the sex with you doesnt matter, but what it implies for what she did before is what matters. lots.

[nordic]

No, not at all--unless they view their marriage as a game or competition with their spouse to be won or lost.

 

Sadly, in many cases, the spouses are competitive with each other in numerous areas, one being sex.

 

So, you have women (as described above) doing things like withholding sex for eight months because the man didn't jump through the right set of hoops? Um, honey, that means you just denied yourself sex for eight months too, didn't you?

 

Normal healthy wives don't use sex as a reward or punishment, they enjoy sex for its own sake. If they have an issue about some other aspect of the relationship they can address that without using sex as the hostage.

 

Too many women are raised (despite the lip service given to feminism) to put their primary value in their ability to withhold sex or bestow it if the man does what they want.

 

"You weren't affectionate enough to me, or in the right way, therefore, no sex for eight months." Kind of ridiculous. Why not stop doing the laundry or grocery shopping or washing the dishes for eight months instead?

 

Also, I think women with the ability to withhold sex from their husbands for such long periods don't really love or respect their husbands in the first place, and never did. They married them for practical reasons such as income, and they're bitter and resentful that somehow they were "forced" to marry someone when they thought they could do "better." Of course it's not something they usually dare articulate until they have already embarked on an affair or filed for divorce, so they express it by withholding sex based on some conjured up excuse.

 

Women who really love their husbands generally find a way to make love to them on a regular basis even if there are other problems in the relationship.

 

The no sex for eight months thing is totally on the withholder.

 

i agree in large parts.

 

however, i think she has a point as well. if you completely stop listening to your woman and shows no interest in her apart from sex. she will go cold sooner or later. kind of shows that women are not really lying about mechanism, they do have a strong need for intimacy.

 

but yes, the whole idea, that there will be sex after 8 months of no sex if you just take out the garbage and clean the house is of course a scam. that marriage is beyond saving. i would not accept two weeks.

[nordic]

This may be true but doesn't answer the question of why so many women (women much more so than men) are so readily capable of deprioritizing marital sex as their expression of these fears.

 

This is a learned behavior. How does a married woman learn that withholding sex from her spouse is the way to get whatever it is she thinks she wants?

 

The same women who withhold sex for months or years at a time wouldn't dream of not doing the grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, or not going to work for months or years at a time. Why is it so easy for them to not have sex with their husbands for such lengthy periods?

 

The only viable answer is that this subset of women never really cared to have sex with their husbands in the first place. They were never really turned on by their husband--they married for other reasons--finance, because it was expected, to have children, who knows? They were always going through the motions sexually, even at the beginning of the relationship, where they may have been able to fake passion so as to draw the man into the relationship.

 

What other explanation is there for always leaving it pitch black during sex? Because you don't want to see your partner and you don't want your partner to see you. In the dark, you can imagine anything you want. I would bet money that the woman who insists on always having it pitch dark during sex is imagining she is doing it with someone other than her husband.

 

Always doing it missionary? Never trying anything new? In their minds that's the "minimum" amount of sexuality they can give, so they give the minimum.

 

The reality is that they don't want to have sex with their husbands.

 

Most likely the husbands themselves were probably not very experienced, or they would not have settled for sexually unsatisfactory relationships. They were probably just happy to have sex, period. They loved their wives and perhaps the wives loved them, but just weren't turned on by them.

 

It's sad because it seems to be so prevalent.

 

mmm, yes kristie lost her way. in the onset the question was about the most common misconceptions the two genders ahev about eachother. now she is discussing people with abusive parents instead. and next relationships between people who are mentally ill? that has derailed.

 

i still dont think this is the whole issue. i think womens sexually fluctuates more than mens. for example, after women have children, there seems to be a drop in their sexuality and a focus on their children. that doesnt mean they were never turned on by their husbands. but sexuality does have a role in human evolution, it makes less sense for a woman evolutionary, to spend lots of energy on seducing men, when she already has children to take care of, so her focus shifts.

 

she still needs to though. this is the time when men start to look around otherwise, like the tiger issue. but they do try and have sex with their husbands it seems, it is just that their biology is not set on them really wanting it as bad anymore.

[tnttim]

here is a test for you two girls who read men so well.

 

most women know that they should not sleep with a man to quickly if they want a relationship with him, coz he might disappear if sex happens to easy.

 

i have dumped most girls after this has happened but a few i have gotten into relationships with. i know exactly what kind of emotions goes on since i actually feel them. women usually dont get this right.

 

so question to you is. why?

 

why do we go cold when women sleep with us too quickly?

 

see if you had the same emotional setup you would know this one by heart:-)

In all this defending yourself you never revealed the answer to your perplexing question, so let's hear it

[nordic]

In all this defending yourself you never revealed the answer to your perplexing question, so let's hear it

 

yes i did my friend. look again. very detailed answer:-)

[nordic]

btw, am a happy boy. am just back from ons sex with the biggest girl ever (well european standards, guess you have bigger girls over there). only had a pic of her face so was not really warned, was still good, she had a very good attitude:)

 

have another date tonite with a girl i know look very good, so lets see what that gives.

 

anyway, i can use this girl as example to give a bunch of pointers in how men and women are different and how our relative values goes back and forth in our relationships depending on what happens when we are together.

 

men will understand these, but women will be unaware. real life is where our theories get put to the test.

[giotto]

Is this PorkRinds again? Boooooooooooooooooring! Yep, banned on the 5th of May, reappeared as 'Nordic' on the 6th.

Edited May 19, 2011 by giotto

[Richard Friedman]

I'm curious about ho woman feel about "ugly" celebrities like Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Jack Nicholson who certainly get a ton of play. Do women who chase after and sleep with these guys "turned on" by their status? Like actually turned on physically, or do they just screw them to say they've done it?

[nordic]

Is this PorkRinds again? Boooooooooooooooooring! Yep, banned on the 5th of May, reappeared as 'Nordic' on the 6th.

 

wow, some of you guys are really locked into a theory that i am somebody else. wonder why.

 

i did not write anything to be banned for a think. did i? what then? i think men and women are fundamentally different. is that such a controversal idea, that you should be banned in the us?

[nordic]

I'm curious about ho woman feel about "ugly" celebrities like Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Jack Nicholson who certainly get a ton of play. Do women who chase after and sleep with these guys "turned on" by their status? Like actually turned on physically, or do they just screw them to say they've done it?

 

yes, women go for status, potential, looks, wealth and bunch of other character features, they are not as simple as men there. one way they are simple in, is that they will want what women want.

[giotto]

wow, some of you guys are really locked into a theory that i am somebody else. wonder why.

 

i did not write anything to be banned for a think. did i? what then? i think men and women are fundamentally different. is that such a controversal idea, that you should be banned in the us?

 

it's just that your argumentative style is very similar. I might be wrong, obviously, and I apologise if I am.

[nordic]

it's just that your argumentative style is very similar. I might be wrong, obviously, and I apologise if I am.

 

you are wrong. apology accepted. have fun with the rest of your day.

 

i have my own style, and i hope it will shine through.

[starryeyed12]

This may be true but doesn't answer the question of why so many women (women much more so than men) are so readily capable of deprioritizing marital sex as their expression of these fears.

 

This is a learned behavior. How does a married woman learn that withholding sex from her spouse is the way to get whatever it is she thinks she wants?

 

The same women who withhold sex for months or years at a time wouldn't dream of not doing the grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, or not going to work for months or years at a time. Why is it so easy for them to not have sex with their husbands for such lengthy periods?

 

The only viable answer is that this subset of women never really cared to have sex with their husbands in the first place. They were never really turned on by their husband--they married for other reasons--finance, because it was expected, to have children, who knows? They were always going through the motions sexually, even at the beginning of the relationship, where they may have been able to fake passion so as to draw the man into the relationship.

 

Bolded 1. This is not a "learned behavior". This is an outward reaction to inner built up resentment.

 

Bolded 2. So now you are comparing sex to everyday chores? Hmmmm....telling.

 

 

I'm sorry that I wasn't more detailed in my example about the wife withholding sex for 8 months. In my example I explained that the husband has not paid attention to the woman in non-sexual ways in a long time. Why? Things got busy, changes happend, kids, work, you fill in the blank. My point was that the woman did not express her needs and the man did not express his except in a way that made the woman feel as if she was being used only for sex.

 

She didn't have sex with him because she did not have the desire to because RESENTMENT is a libido killer. Women are very capable of witholding sex where there is pent up resentment. This is not the end all be all answer, as some woman may be sexually disfunctional or manipulative with their withholding, but DO NOT label all women as such because they aren't having sex for x length of time.

 

She could very well have loved her husband, but sh*t happens. How are we to know if she is actually satisifed with him? How are we to know he is fulfilling all her other needs? You are assuming a lot on the man's part as well.