AnotherOW Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 sometimes i feel like i should tell my MM's wife that he is cheating. I dont think its right that she is so clueless. I know it would end things between him and I, after all it should be ended, right? So should i be the one to tell her, when i know he never will? And how can she not know anyway? shouldn't you be able to feel the distance between you and your husband? Wives, would you want to be told? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 If you don't think it's right that your MM's wife is "clueless" about his affair with you, then why on earth are you involved with someone's husband to begin with? What would be your *true* motivation for telling her? Could it be to exact some kind of revenge on him, because he's playing you both or isn't obviously isn't going to leave her for you? I don't think you should be the one to tell her, unless you're 150% sure you want absolutely NOTHING more to do with him, and will make a solemn promise to yourself that you'll never get involved with someone else's husband in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
jane00 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I think that she has the right to know. But yes, it will end your relationship with the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I am not married but I think I'd appreciate being told, even by the other woman. I'd probably not show any gratefulness to her, let alone thank her. I might even call her names. But in the end I'd be glad she told me. oh, and I'd ask her for details. I suggest you tell her only if you have some strong personal reasons to do so (i.e.revenge, hope they'll divorce). Don't expect her to be grateful or sympathetic anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Sometimes I wish I had been told but I probably wasn't ready to believe it until I found out. So you could just be wasting your time and hers. If you want to break up with him, break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
socaughtup Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 What would be your reasons for telling her???? What do you expect to get out of telling her???? Really think about it before you do something like that! First of all he'll never even talk to you again! He may tell her that you are lying (cause as you know he's a liar)! I feel you on the fact that you think that she should know but eventually she will find out about his cheating whether its still with you or with someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherOW Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 First of all, the relationship wasn't supposed to go this far and it did and i fell in love with him. and second, i just feel like she has the right to know. I feel like a coward not telling her. but i guess i wont b/c i dont want to lose him forever. even if we're not together, then we can at least be friends. i dont know i'm tired of the whole situation... thanks for the input Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I think you should resolve the problems that you have -- namely, that you're in love with a married man -- without involving her. Don't ask his wife to do your dirty work for you. Extricate yourself from the relationship, sever all ties. Make it a permanent break. If you do this, and you've re-organized your life such that you're in no way hoping that you and he will get back together, and you STILL feel the need to reveal the truth to his wife, then go ahead. Not to get revenge on him, nor to make things easier for yourself somehow, but simply and solely because you think she has a right to know... and you're pretty sure he won't tell her. In your situation I think the most honorable route would be this: end things with your lover. Tell him it's final, you don't like the dishonesty, etc. Follow through with that. If you do so this week, I should think that by the end of June sufficient time will have passed (if you're doing this honestly, and really moving on with your life) and if you still feel that his wife has a right to know (because you're sure he'll cheat again, or for other reasons) then tell her. But know why you're doing so. If you know that your affair with this guy was a one-time thing (you said it wasn't supposed to go as far as it did) and that he's unlikely to cheat again, if you know that despite the affair this guy does love his wife and they have a reasonably good marriage, I have to wonder what she would gain by knowing that he had an affair with you. Tell her only if you can honestly say it would be to her advantage to know. And as long as you're involved with him still (or hoping to be), telling her is not an altruistic act -- so don't kid yourself with that rationalization. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 It's interesting that this topic is being addressed today. It's something that I struggle with on a DAILY basis. It was the subject of my first post on LS back in early January, and even though I have stopped seeing my MM, it's something I think about doing and feel and urge to do every day. I believe, for me, it's important to look at: The reasons I would have for doing it -- all of them, not just the ones that sound OK.... Who it will impact - me; the people around me (this relationship has affected my friends and family because of how greatly it affected me, of course); him (the MM); his wife; his family; the people around him. What that impact will likely be -- on everyone involved. Telling someone that you have been involved in a relationship with their spouse is clearly not trivial - it is a very big move and will have major impacts on everyone. I know in my situation his wife has absolutely no idea we were involved. Of course she knew about me when he and I lived together years ago when I was first with him, but at that time, he had left her and started divorcing her to be with me. She does not seem to have any idea at all that years later I have been back in the picture for the better part of a year. I don't know what I'm going to do yet - but I know I am not doing anything until I am sure about it. I would really appreciate any additional thoughts on this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I dated a married man and I always had the urge to tell her.I felt sorry for her actually.I called him a few times and she answered the phone and I was SO tempted to say something but I always hung up.I was kind of afraid of what he might do to me if I spoke up.He was a cop and was in the military.Anyway, if it was me I would DEFINITELY want to be told.I'd hate to be oblivious thinking he is such a fab guy when in reality he's a creep. Link to post Share on other sites
reachingskywards Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Are you guys kidding?????? I am involved (still) with a married man. I couldn't even contemplate telling the wife. In fact -- I would almost die if she ever found out. Firstly -- I knew he was married when I got involved with him.... Secondly -- if you've even been on the other side of an affair you would know the excruciating pain it will put you in. I nearly killed myself (litterally)when I found out my ex was fooling around. The betrayal was excruciating. Don't underestimate it. I wouldn't wish this kinda hurt on anyone. I especially wouldnt wish it on any other woman ever. If you ever want proof of this kinda pain you Third. In my opinion if the guy wants his marriage to break up he can do it himself. I don't think it's up to me to take it out of his hands and do it for him....I'm sure I've already done enough damage to it. If he can't take it from here....i he doesn't want too or is too weak to break up with his wife for me then ... seriously -- he can forget it. The fact that he hasn't left is clear proof to me that his relationship with his wife is still an improtant consideration to him. And in my case -- it's not just his wife but his 4 kids as well whose lives I would be damaging. And I couldn't even imagine her being grateful. When my ex was fooling around -- even though the woman didn't know he was attached I was in rage and hated her intensly for at least 6 months afterwards.....I still have crazy dreams about her. If he want's to break up with her he should do by causing the least amount of damage possible to her. I do have one fantasy -- i'd love to just meet her once... like walking down the mall and seeing him with her and the kids etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Well, I am sure it would hurt like hell but I would still want to know if my husband was being a scumbag. You know all of the friends know about it and maybe even some family members or co-workers. They would all be looking at you knowing everything. I would HATE that. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I think for the OW to take it upon herself to call the wife to tell her about the affair because she feels sorry for the wife....is more than hypocritical. If you feel sorry for her....get out of the relationship. I DO understand wishing she would find out so that he is placed in a position to choose. The fallacy is...he already HAS chosen her over you. She may kick him out and he may end with you. In your heart though....you'd always know he didn't make a choice on his own. It wouldn't be the same. So...no matter what....these relationships once they evolve into 'love stuff' is a NO WIN situation for the OW. He's a lying A$$Clown regardless who gets stuck with him. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetLou22 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 reachingskywards you are truly sick!!! I can't believe the crap I just read - truly a sorry excuse for a human being. Too bad the whole suicide thing didn't work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I've never been married, but I have been cheated on in a serious relationship on several occasions. I can honestly say I probably would not have liked hearing from the other woman at all. I think this is because Arabess is right. I think the reason for contact would have been a selfish one. To try to force the relationship to end or rather, force him to choose. As she said, he already has chosen. He's chosen her. If he didn't want to be with her, he doesn't have to. And there is a good chance she already has her suspicions and has chosen to do nothing at this point. Confronting her with the issue may or may not change that. More than likely, it will only change your status with this man for the time being in that he will move on to someone who won't tell his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 The best thing you can do for the wife right at this moment is to end the affair with this man, cleanly and permanently. When your emotions have cleared and you can view this affair as a mistake and a lesson, if you still feel the wife has the right to know for her sake--not to clear your guilt, and not to get even with him--contact her. An immediate confessional to the wife of all the painful details would involve you in a emotional pile up with this MM and his wife. It's probably best to just get away from him at this point in time. You can't gauge what her reaction to you may be. She may deny it, she may blame both of you, or she may verbally brand you with an A and forgive her husband. If a woman were to come to notify me that she had had a past affair with my boyfriend, I would not like her but I would respect her honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherOW Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 i agree, the reason for wanting to tell her is selfish. therefore i have decided not to. thank you arabess for your insightful advice, always hit the nail on the head! reachingskyward, i agree, and i made that fantasy of your come true, i went to her work once and it only made it worse but i still cant seem to seperate myself from him... sweetlou, that was hardly a necessary comment. next time just dont say anything at all! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Some women know that their husbands are cheating, and they still stay with them. So if you feel that by her knowing she's going to divorce the man, it may not happen. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyamI Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by AnotherOW I dont think its right that she is so clueless. (...) So should i be the one to tell her, when i know he never will? The issue is not her, it's you. It's your life, you owe it to yourself to live it the best way you can. Telling the wife will in the end came upon yourself: the guilt, the pain, etc. I believe you just don't want to give him up. By telling the wife and creating a chaos in everyone's live you assure a permanent place in his life - that of the generator of a disaster. But he does belong to you that way, you do get to scarf his life irremediably... is that what you want? Your's too, unfortunately. Do that and I guarantee you'll need a year to cameto termswith what you're about to do and another year to get over it. And unless you're not human, you're not getting any younger, are you? Emotional distress, no confidence and so so much more important WAISTED TIME! You are too centered on him, on his life, on his wife, on what she desirves or not. Try to discover yourself, your true uniqueness and I believe this way you shall be free from him. By dwelling on telling her.... it's his life, not yours, you do get it, don't you? Once you understand how infinetely precious you are, you'll dump the SOB, 'cause ... who needs/wants leftovers? Link to post Share on other sites
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