My situation

[Icanseethelight]

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this in but I would like to hear from anyone who has experience being in 'affair' situations.

 

I'm a 19 year old female, he is a 26.

 

A year ago I met a guy and we kissed that night. From then on we'd hang out every weekend and we developed a romantic/ sexual relationship. It never became serious or official because at the time he was just getting out of a marriage. We had met up only about 7 times until I developed a severe anxiety disorder and I couldn't see anyone for months, including him. Though in the time where I didn't see him we spoke online every day and night and became very, very close friends (also grew more affectionate towards each other).

 

I recently started to get better and could see him again but it wasn't long until he told me that he was going to get into a relationship with another girl that he had gotten close to when I wasn't around. I was heartbroken because I always thought it would be me who would be his girlfriend when he was ready. But I didn't take long after his relationship went official that our conversations went back to being affectionate/sexual (this didn't exactly surprise me as I knew the connection we had couldn't just disappear). We even started talking on the phone every night until we fell asleep. He would often admit that he likes me a lot. A couple weeks ago he expressed how he was really happy and excited when I started showing interest in meeting up with him again but he can't just throw away the relationship he has just started to build. He said how he feels guilty that he always thinks about me and that he is sure we will have sex when we see each other (even though I kept telling him I won't and that it's a bad idea).

 

On Saturday I went over to his place (the first time being alone with him since he's been in a relationship). We had a really nice time and he asked to kiss me a few times but I kept saying no. At about midnight we started to have an emotional conversation where he was opening up to me a lot about himself and about us. He ended up saying that the reason he is with her and not me, other than the fact I wasn't there, is that he thinks I wouldn't be able to handle him emotionally (he has a lot of issues). He thinks it'd upset me too much to see him in a bad state and I wouldn't know what to do (he also explained how when we first were hanging out he kept trying to push me away because I didn't deserve to be dragged into his mess). He kept trying to ask me how I felt about this but I didn't have an answer for him. After the conversation we held each other for a long time which was nice and finally I gave in and we ended up having sex. As soon as it was over he totally freaked out about it and cried and got angry with himself. He was basically in a complete state over it, feeling guilty (like I warned him). I felt horrible too.

 

He ended up telling his girlfriend that he tried to kiss me and that was it and by the next day he felt fine and just said we should pretend it never happened and be strong from now on.

 

The day after (Monday) his girlfriend came back to stay with him for a week (she is normally travelling). This is hard because I'm used to speaking him everyday and can't if she's there. And I've really needed him this week.

I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm hurting so much and don't know how much more I take. I texted him tonight asking when he is free to talk as I really need to speak to him. He said he can talk this weekend. The thing is I have no idea what I'm going to say to him, I just know I need to say something. What shall I say ??

 

I really don't want to lose him. I love him but also as one of my closest friends. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life.

 

Any advice please ? Thanks.

 

(Sorry for any mistakes in this post, it's 4am !)

[kimpppp]

Get out of this!! Staying in this will effect any future relationships that you have in a very negative way.

[Emme]

You are 19, you should be having many dates. It's hard to think that when you want to be with someone they are not available. I think he is in the perfect stage to end his new relationship. It's just beginning. He can't have you sexually and not emotionally because he thinks you can't handle him. He's setting you up to be his woman on the side. At your age you should have many men at your feet to not even consider one man alone. Your anxiety stage is over hopefully, I say spread your wings and find new friends. If he wants to be your friend do it from a distance and don't go over his house again. The both of you can't control yourselves. I lost a dear friend of 13 years because we couldn't stop having sex.... 13! Don't go down the road I walked. I now live with immense pain.

 

If you want him as your man tell him now and make your terms. This is the conversation you can have with him this weekend. If he doesn't want you but only your body, let him go. Be a distant friend, birthday and holiday phone calls only. There are many people in this world you can talk to, he's not the only one.

Edited May 7, 2011 by Emme

[Summer Breeze]

Two things really concern me.

 

Your age

 

Your emotional health

 

I don't know you but please make sure you get some help or continue any you may be getting. xoxoxoxo

[Icanseethelight]

Get out of this!! Staying in this will effect any future relationships that you have in a very negative way.

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

 

You are 19, you should be having many dates. It's hard to think that when you want to be with someone they are not available. I think he is in the perfect stage to end his new relationship. It's just beginning. He can't have you sexually and not emotionally because he thinks you can't handle him. He's setting you up to be his woman on the side. At your age you should have many men at your feet to not even consider one man alone. Your anxiety stage is over hopefully, I say spread your wings and find new friends. If he wants to be your friend do it from a distance and don't go over his house again. The both of you can't control yourselves. I lost a dear friend of 13 years because we couldn't stop having sex.... 13! Don't go down the road I walked. I now live with immense pain.

 

If you want him as your man tell him now and make your terms. This is the conversation you can have with him this weekend. If he doesn't want you but only your body, let him go. Be a distant friend, birthday and holiday phone calls only. There are many people in this world you can talk to, he's not the only one.

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm really sorry to hear that you lost a great friend. I'll do anything not to lose him completely from my life and I hope it's not too late.

Thank you for all the advice.

 

 

Two things really concern me.

 

Your age

 

Your emotional health

 

I don't know you but please make sure you get some help or continue any you may be getting. xoxoxoxo

 

Thanks for your concern. I am continuing to get help.

[Irishlove]

He is using you for sex honey. If he also has a mental illness you two are like fire and gasoline. Let him go.

[fooled once]

He is an immature 26 year old. He just had to have another girlfriend after he got divorced. He is using you -- for when his girlfriend is out of town.

 

Continue having sex with him if you are cool with being the mistress, the friend with benefits. He chose to get involved with SOMEONE else. He chooses to continue that relationship.

 

You have a choice. Be his friend - and friend only (which you honestly can't do anymore since you believe you are in love with him) or understand that you are his side girl, the one who gives him the ego boost and strokes him.

 

You are way too young to be mixed up in all this. You need to value yourself more than being someone's secret lover.

[ON MY OWN]

I have one word....DRAMA. I say this with a kind heart. Be someones choice not an option. There is way too much this and that. He sounds alot like my ex. Who always had to have a girlfriend. I called him a "relationship hopper". I dont want to see you get hurt. It does not sound like there will be any winners in this and he will have whatever he wants. Irregardless of 2 other peoples feelings to consider. From what I understand it looks as if he is only thinking of himself all the time.

 

Ask yourself one thing...What are you TRULY getting from this relationship. If sex with no strings is something one is ok with I would definitely recommend someone who is not breaking your heart again and again. The code words are very deceiving to you and his GF both whether you realize it or not. I have been there. Its not fun. The pain will stop when you allow it and TRULY want better than that for yourself honey.

 

Sadly...this does not look like a happy ending due to all of his poor behavior, lack of good judgement and all the lieing going on. Please whatever you do....be true to yourself dear. The choice is yours. Accept all the hurt or heal and find someone who will cherish you, and ONLY you!

Edited June 20, 2011 by ON MY OWN