excruciating day and night

[IfiKnewThen]

excruciating day and night but with blessing too.

 

i have long awaited (11 months ) to get my stuff back from him. its been in his closet at his mom's place. at first it wasn't my priority to get my things back. i wanted to get him back and to reconnect. that was a year ago.. then after 6 months post our ending, he got married. (that was 5 months ago). that too came as quite a shock to me. it was then i decided to get my things back, after realizing the finality of it all.

 

that was in december 2010 (when i first asked for my things back). its now may and he has put off sending my things back for 5 months. (or you can look at it as 11 months total) . i wasn't in a great hurry, but after a while, since he sorely cut me out of his life, and seemed in hiding though i never sought him out...i was beginning to think, him or his mom threw my things out and that i wouldn't be able to recover them.

 

he acted all covert and weird. it was hard to trust him anymore. whenever i asked "when will you send my things?"..he was like "yeah, yeah .. i will" but because i felt so cut off from him, even on the smallest benign levels, i no longer trusted him to send my things back to me. and because he cut me off so much, i too finally decided to go complete N/C with him 5 months ago. but i expected he would have sent something by now.

 

since he blocked me on his phone (even though i RARELY EVER called..HE was the one who called me once in a while, prior to 5 months ago), i decided to send a note to his mom with a money order for him, and asked her to please have him begin to send my stuff back and i said would send more money for postage if he needed it and for gas to get to the post office. she never acknowledged my letter or money order. so, i tried to call her to see how she felt and ask her about the status of him getting my things out to me. she never answered the phone. so i left 2 short nice messages saying i just wanted my stuff mailed back and hoped everyone was well. sighs.

 

so one day, i tried again and lo and behold his dad answered. he was always nice to me. never any problems there. but when i said hi.....mr J., its ..........(me).. he.... hung up the phone. sighs. now, maybe he didn't hear me but this got me more frightened. in my mind, i was imagining his mom taking over his old room , because his mom and dad didn't sleep in the same bedroom, and she used to sleep in the living room. so, i was thinking hmmmm...... maybe she wanted his old closet (that my things were in) for her clothes and... threw my things out. i thought maybe he doesn't want to deal with telling me that. maybe HE threw some of my things out? i was clueless. he held some of my dolls..(my mom was a doll collector and so was i) in that closet

 

afterall, there was no communication from him and he was so weird and covert when there was any communication prior to 5 months ago...so i thought like dr. phil says.."those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" and if thats the case, i figured maybe he was hiding something and so were his parents because they cant just simply be at least courteous to say "hey, yes we got the letter of what belongs to you and the money order and its still safe and as soon as we can, we will send it". but i got notta from anyone...nothing.

 

so my anxiety escalated, but i tried to remain cool. then i got fed up. so i asked someone i know to please contact him on his work cell, because i wanted to keep complete N/C going ..but wanted my stuff sent back , so that it wouldn't be looming over my head and thoughts. i asked them to call his work cell and he didn't pick up and it said his "voice mail was full" sighs.

 

so, i got a bit more frustrated. and i did something radical and bold. i have been nice and passive for 11 months. i was either passive or N/C. this time i called his bosses number. don't be shocked guys. i didn't say anything to his boss. we had met in person many years ago and he is a cool laid back guy. i never called him before. i told him i was having a bit of trouble getting in touch with ........so and so....and i didn't mean to trouble him but would he please give me the message to call. i left him with my friends cell number, not mine. this way he would know i didn't want to talk to him but that there was a message for him to call that number.

 

his boss was nice and said no problem. i assured him i would not be calling again but that it was important and to please have him call this cell number . (which you and i know, was my friends, but his boss would think it was my cell number)

 

anyway, then later tonight, he called. he was a chit too in a sense. he said to my friend "i am at my moms house and i want to know what things she wants" (meaning me) amazing how he knew why i was calling!!!! i didnt even tell his boss the nature of the call!!!!

 

he asked that "i" list what i wanted because he thought some of these dolls belonged to him!!!yes, you see he had sometimes paid for the cell phone we used to talk on and some small other things. netflix when we watched movies together long distance. anyway he did do a lot for me and he figured he owned some of these dolls and didnt want to bother sending them to me if he didnt have to and he would use the excuse to recoup money for them. anyway, i was in the background trying to whisper..say this and say that to him. most stressful and frustrating and no one says what you want them to say to them.

 

i pray he didnt hear me, too. so demoralizing. all in the name of getting things returned and settled , i thought.

 

bottom line: he was cold and calling all the shots and saying this has to be done tonight. he wanted to get the stuff out of his moms or it was being all thrown out then and there. now, i dont know if that was his mom talking or he was of the mindset to get everything out to me all at once. it sounded like he either only wanted to make one trip and one clean sweep (all of the sudden) OR that his mom heard the story of me calling his workplace and wanted my things out of there??? (all of the sudden) all every weird. i was happy to have some plan to get them back to me now but when i mailed money i said start getting some thing back and when i see them i will mail more money. just get the ball rolling. now he wanted to do it all at once. then and there. i was at my families tonight and had to run out of there house in the middle of what i was doing to get things straightened out, once again only on HIS good time! we are talking maybe 7 dolls some big..my clothes. i asked for some other things.... he said he did throw out. i wasnt the one speaking of course. my friend asked. he had the nerve to say he wanted to get this over with. when that's all i wanted and he was the one procrastinating and now he was putting my back against the wall to tell me what to send and i couldn't even remember ALL of it. i told my friend to have him list what he had so i could take it from here and figure it all out. he didnt list anything, and talked helter skelther or maybe my friend couldnt properly relay anything he said. what a nightmare. the blessing is prayers were heard for my things, and at least the phone call to his boss (this was at the end of the work day)...seemed to have got his butt in gear.

 

i know he doesn't seem to act like he gives a chit about anything but him and his new life now, home, wife,. step son and who knows what else.......but i do wonder if he was surprised i didn't contact him in 5 months and that i apparently am not speaking to him now. i hope his boss said, she didn't ask for you, just asked that you got the message to call this number. i am tired of him being a legend in his own mind and paranoid when i have showed him nothing but decency and respect for near 1 whole year this june.

 

i know i was the one who screwed up i def. blame myself. but in the end i tried to show nothing but love and understanding. i felt i became nothing to him

 

but it stirred existing or suppressed emotions today. and i cried afterwards. and i hate that he treats me like a petty thief to try to get my stuff back. and i hate his sense of entitlement when he always gave out of the goodness of his heart and the nature of our relationship during that relationship. and always said it was ok.

 

for 11 months i have tried to keep a low profile. since he got married, strict N/C. but, when we last spoke, i was kind to him and treated him nice, and told him i loved him as ..my christian brother. because i did feel i was wrong in the relationship and i hoped to see one good thing come out of this. i thought we were friends . maybe i couldn't accept his view of the friendship, which was i never seemed to exist at all. not even to acknowledge my letter with money order.

 

anyway, i am sad. i hoped for a better ending. one we both could smile upon. but he got me all anxious about my things and i started to feel he did something or his mom might have and that made me feel more ...violated somehow and out of control, not seeing any one item mailed back to me. or an acknowledgment. he then told my friend when asked why it took so long , why we had to call after he said he would mail it a month ago...after they called and ( he said a few weeks back, yeah yeah my mom got the money order....i will get it right out to her...back then).

 

he said he had a death in the family. they told him that i did too. i had been through 2 deaths . 1 very close friend . he said, my condolences.

 

anyway...i do care what he thinks in the respect that i am not a petty thief. trying to take my things from him. i am actually considering writing an email to him now...stating same.

 

he went from an angle in my book, to this horrible unfamiliar ghost haunting. it feels like he died and his horrible uncaring ghost that hurts me is all that remains. but the real him hurts me. he seems to have no heart for feelings outside of his world. or at least where i am concerned. the blessing... praise be to God... i am getting my stuff back.

 

i still feel empty and sad. why was he so incognito. no body wanted to hunt him down to get my stuff back. but he was getting so utterly disrespectful. and i thought i was patient as i could be. he seemed to have one agenda. him and there was no room to consider me at all anymore.

[stopthemadness]

Wow, that was a very sad story. The man is married now, its a done deal. Try your very best to move on. It soo sounded like you were using getting your stuff back as a reason to stay in contact. Am sorry but it needed to be said. If you would have been my friend. I would have told you to just let it go. Sometimes in life we bite it(take a loss) and move on, For our own sanity I would have said let it go!! My ex left owing me almost 400.00 but you know what? Ill bite it! just so I can get past all this. Just because he is with smone else doesnt mean that there anything wrong with you!! All it means is that hes with smone else. Thats all!! People change partners all the time. Granted Ive had 7 months of seeing a therapist behind me. The same works for all of us . Please stop ALL contact with EVERYONE in his life..Maybe seeing a therapist is smthing you might wanta think about? Good luck..N/C N/C N/C PLEASE do it for you, so you can start to heal.

[IfiKnewThen]

thank you for your response and your heartfelt words STM. i appreciate it and its good advise. the wind up is i am supposed to get my things back. and it is sad. i feel glad to be getting them back but i hope it wont unearth even worse emotions like you said. and just very sad that i lost the best friend i ever had in my ENTIRE life and that i handled this whole thing so poorly from day one.

 

i do feel like a complete and utter failure for not treating him the way he deserved to be treated when i had him. i know i was to blame. but i was so repentant in the end that i just somehow thought he would see it and not make things so hard in the end and be so darn cold, and detached.

 

you do sound more together than me STM on a lot of fronts. glad you were strong enough to kiss the 400.00 goodbye and not be bitter. sighs. i needed more willpower like that, thats for certain

 

you hit the nail on the head when you said just because he is with someone else doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. that is the exact thing i struggle with so badly. i am not happy with how i handled my whole life in the last couple of years. i am very upset with myself, and i cant change everything i messed up and i am sad i blew it. it was a very impacting mistake on my part. very big.

 

i do feel i was to blame and there was something wrong with me. i wanted so badly for us to at least, somehow, in the end...have fond decent feelings towards the other. i just keep making bad decisions. anyway thank you for highlighting that particular case in point. i have so much to work on to fill this void and whole now and the self loathing associated with feeling like i blew the best thing i could have had.

 

thank you so much for taking the time to read that . i know it was lengthy, and so much of what you said made good sense to me. thank u