Epiphany...

[TragicAlliance]

I think I had an epiphany tonight. I just finished writing a long and rambling blog post on my coping/recovery blog I started a few days ago... and I think I've hit a major epiphany.

 

My ex has realized that the reason for his behavior that led to our separation was that he was afraid of getting hurt again. (Short version: His previous girlfriends used him and he was afraid that I was "too good to be true" and that I was going to do the same thing, so he pushed me away to save himself.) But I knew it wasn't all his fault... relationships are based on two people, not one. But I couldn't figure out what was the driving force behind my own behavior.

 

Until tonight. And that force behind my behavior? Jealousy.

 

I have the green-eyed monster living in me something fierce. He asked me to refriend him on Facebook... and I made the error of reading his page. Not only did I get jealous to see he had made plans to go out and do something... I got even more jealous to see he's still talking to an ex! The one I hate the most. (Even though his comment to her was COMPLETELY innocent, I still got revved up.)

 

I can't add him back to Facebook until I overcome this jealousy issue - anytime he posts pictures or messages about his hobbies, I get jealous. He shouldn't have to censor himself because he's afraid of triggering my jealousy... So I don't think it's a good idea to be friends on Facebook.

 

I also shouldn't be jealous that he is friends with his exes. I know I shouldn't. I mean, I guess I should be happy for him that he's mature enough to be civil to his exes... I can't be civil to mine, and that's why I don't talk to any of them anymore. It just brings up too much misery. Yet he gets close to a female... to the point their bantering seems flirty and they share inside jokes that I'm on the outside of... it drives me nuts.

 

Something tells me that I'm just going to keep hurting myself if I keep talking to him... but I love him to death and I care immensely about him. I hate being this selfish and this jealous... so selfish and jealous that it's threatening to tear us apart when we seem to be making some kind of progress forward.

 

This epiphany sucks.