Trying to distract myself from checking his email

[Wisteria]

My story is complicated, and actually involves an ex I had been separated from on (what I thought were) good terms for three years. My ex lives in another country, and had been coming to see me twice a year -- much to the detriment, I'm now realizing, of my current relationship. I was very much enmeshed with this man. We had a credit card together. I was keeping a car of his, and he used my address as his mailing address for all correspondence in the US. Twice he brought his new girlfriend with him, and I thought she was wonderful. When he broke up with her recently, I was actually quite sad about not seeing her again, and told him he'd made a mistake.

 

Fast forward to his most recent visit when he suddenly (it seems) hooks up with a girl that he hooked up with once before meeting me. Back in the beginning, he persued her, but she wasn't interested -- until he began seeing me. Suddenly she wanted him, and he was conflicted at the time, but eventually decided to stick with me -- but not before asking me if he could see us both, something I flatly refused to do. He continued to remain in lose contact with her, which always bugged me.

 

As I said, during this most recent visit, he hooked up with her, and they essentially fell in love. He came back to my house the next day, grabbed all his belongings and spent the remainder of his time in the US with her. I have never been so outraged in my entire life. I feel utterly and completely used. And why? I mean, we had been broken up for three years. I really liked his last girlfriend. He was stunned, wanted to talk things out and said he did not want to lose me because I was one of his best friends. He said he never expected it to happen. He mentioned that he'd just bumped into her randomly a couple of days earlier, and that things went from there.

 

After he got back home, we had a long talk, and afterward I felt better, but not for long. We always had each other's e-mail passwords (I changed mine when we broke up), and he knew that from time to time I would read his e-mail -- especially during the time when he was first debating what to do about this girl. I always felt horrible about doing that, and told him whenever I did. He was never mad, and told me I could read whatever I liked.

 

Well, last week, after many years, I decided to go through his e-mail. I found out this new girl is planning to go visit him, and read a lot of mushy e-mails about how she thinks their love is fated to be after knowing each other for six years. I also found out she gave him a nasty little souvenir that required a trip to the doctor. And then I found out that their recent hookup hadn't been the result of a random meeting. They'd been e-mailing before that and had plans to meet. The hook up itself I think was unexpected (though probably hoped for) but certainly not the result of a random meeting.

 

After stewing for a few hours, I called him and told him what I'd done, and told him I wanted him to change his password. He was not angry at all, and flat out refused to change the password. He said he trusted me completely, and didn't care what I read. He also admitted he lied to me about what happened with her because he knew I'd be very upset over it. He told me he was willing to do whatever he needed to do to calm me down and save our friendship. When I told him again that the one thing he could do was change his password, he refused. At that point I told him I was canceling our credit card and that he had to put in a change of address form and have all his bills and things sent somewhere else. Even though this new girl wants everything to go to her house, he told me he doesn't trust her enough, and would have everything sent to an ex roommate's house. He said he still wanted to go with me to visit my mother at the beach, but I told him that was probably not going to ever happen again.

 

I checked his e-mail twice more, saw that he finally made arrangements with the ex roommate. In his e-mail to his ex roommate, he said he wasn't happy about having his mail sent elsewhere and that I was being stupid and jealous for no reason. He wrote that after I told him that I read his e-mails, so obviously he wanted me to see it.

 

Since then, I'm proud to say I have not gone into his e-mail. I don't want to be that girl who does crazy stuff like that, and I know that there's nothing in his e-mails I could read that would make me feel better. Plus, I'm starting to think he's playing some serious mind games with me. I feel like an alcoholic who's had a drink set in front of her face and been told it's totally OK to drink it.

 

We had a very long conversation on Sunday (he pushed for it), in which he admitted that he thought this girl was incredibly hot, but had some doubts about her. The next day he suddenly put up a lot of photos on a photo site we both use, and I emailed him to comment on a photo. He responded cordially, and I replied, after which I didn't hear from him. Suddenly on Thursday, he sends me another e-mail, and starts suddenly commenting on things on my Facebook page. I was debating my response to this, when suddenly I get another e-mail from him about my niece that I'm sure he thought was funny, but in fact was very insulting. Basically he compared her to a very overweight, unattractive alcoholic we both know.

 

So, here I am, sitting up late at night, stewing over this and absolutely dying to go through his e-mail again. If I can hold off until tomorrow, I will have made it one week. I know I need to go to No Contact, but honestly, I don't know exactly how to do it. Do I just not respond to his last two e-mails? Or do I contact him again, tell him that e-mail was insulting, and that I don't want us to communicate for a while? This seems odd considering the fact that we are just starting to get on civil terms again, but then again, this whole thing is odd, considering the fact that I only really got angry with him three years after we broke up!

 

At least there is a real silver lining here: My relationship with my patient, loving current boyfriend is now starting to go in the right direction, probably because I'm finally setting some boundaries with my ex.

 

Sorry for the long post! Just hoping for any advice I can get.

[Billie The Puppet]

Wow seems to me like you were completely being used for your "place of residence"

 

Also when it comes to sharing email passwords never do it again. It was the straw that broke the camels back in my last relationship or at least provided the excuse for the grass is greener break up.

 

I had her email password, and read an email I wish I hadn't. I confronted her bam troubles we split , she changes her email pw and then a few weeks later gives me the new one but get this she needed me to log into her email and get the number of her current boyfriend at the times phone number of her contact list. ( I didn't know it then )

 

I now believe emails should be sacred, and trust should come from within.

 

I'm sure had I not seen the email she still would have shown her true colors anyways and we still would have split.

Edited May 7, 2011 by Billie The Puppet

[thomas1986]

damn....thats the same thing which happened to me.Wish i never logged in to her mail and saw some chats. Hate that day like anything now

[Wisteria]

Yeah, I'm realizing that any time a partner gives you their password, then they want you to read their e-mails, mainly because they WANT you to see something hurtful.

 

My dilemma now is what to do about the last two e-mails he sent me, especially the mean one about my niece. Unfortunately he knows me well enough that I can't let something like that go.

[Axee]

The more you are talking to him , thinking bout him, the more you are getting entangled into this..

 

Let it go, ignore it , ignore his mails hurtful or otherwise, maybe you can send one last email and forget about him completely.

 

 

I too lost my best friend after reading his emails. I agree its tough, but its possible... Never read his emails, dont contact him .. after a few weeks , months you would have forgotten his passwd