How do you stop images of an affair in your head??

[pinkrainbows]

Hi everyone,

I posted on another thread that we are starting councelling this coming week.

However every waking minute of every day the images of my OH making love with this OW is now making taking over my life and i feel like i am loosing my mind........ i have been crying most of this morning as on my own whilst he is at work.

I cannot see these images ever fading, in fact how much worse can they get right now.

 

I keep looking at my husband and feeling sick again as if it was only yesterday i found out about the affair and not 9/10 months ago.

 

This woman is in my head every waking moment and i just want it to stop.:mad:

 

Has anyone advice on how long this will last ( i know we are all different) and what to do when it hits. Its like a porn movie being played in my head constantly.

I thought it was fading a few weeks back and now its come back even worse than before. Gosh if i ever met this woman i honestly think i would do harm to her even though i know my husband started the affair.

Any advice much appreciated.

[John Michael Kane]

It fades with time, but doesn't completely go away. That's the permanent damage we get when we are cheated on. You're just going to have to find something you like to do to help distract you, or you could get rid of the biggest trigger: Your husband.

[TMCM]

I found a way that eventually stopped the pain these images/movies brought me. I call this mental video editing and it involves changing some things in them. In my case, I changed my XW's lovers to clowns, acting like clowns on top of her. Instead of bringing me pain, the images brought me laughter.

 

Try it, if it works great and if it doesn't then you try something else. In any case what do you have to loose?

[jballestero16]

I'm kind of dealing with this too. I also know what the guy looks like so that makes it worst at times. However, I don't really know how far my GF did it with the other guy. I'm just taking her words and a message I found stating that there was no sex involved. But even if there wasn't, that still means they did all the other things together. It's still cheating either way and

 

Sad news is I cheated too a couple days ago.

[drifter777]

I've been thinking of posting this same question as I have been plagued by the mental images of my wife's cheating for many, many years. I really think this is a much bigger problem for some of us than others. So for those of us for whom the images haven't just gone away or gotten any easier to cope with, what do we do? For some the answer is "it gets better with time" and the like but I'm saying that it doesn't get better for all of us. There are many ways to survive infidelity without breaking up and by that I mean there are varying degrees of forgiveness. You can reconcile your marriage and be able to push the cheating incident to the background but it's nearly impossible to really forgive when the images of spouse and the other person having sex intrude into your mind. I ask that people who don't get what pinkrainbows and I are referring to give us the benefit of the doubt that it's harder for some than others and that time doesn't always heal.

[TMCM]

I ask that people who don't get what pinkrainbows and I are referring to give us the benefit of the doubt that it's harder for some than others and that time doesn't always heal.

 

Drifter,

 

In my situation, the love I had for my XW had almost died, and I filed for divorce. Nonetheless, when I found out about her cheating and her remorseless behavior afterwards, the images/movies were still devastating because - unbeknownst to me - I had met some of her lovers.

 

The mental image/video editing is no joke. It helped me tremendously in minimizing the impact they had on me. It has worked for many others but not for others who have issues such as depression, BPD, etc. It is one of different treatments for dealing with emotional traumas, which include EFT (emotional freedom technique), and Effective emotional release - The Sedona Method.

 

Help is out there that can help a person free him/herself emotionally from past traumas.

[blueroses10]

Hi everyone,

I posted on another thread that we are starting councelling this coming week.

However every waking minute of every day the images of my OH making love with this OW is now making taking over my life and i feel like i am loosing my mind........ i have been crying most of this morning as on my own whilst he is at work.

I cannot see these images ever fading, in fact how much worse can they get right now.

 

I keep looking at my husband and feeling sick again as if it was only yesterday i found out about the affair and not 9/10 months ago.

 

This woman is in my head every waking moment and i just want it to stop.:mad:

 

Has anyone advice on how long this will last ( i know we are all different) and what to do when it hits. Its like a porn movie being played in my head constantly.

I thought it was fading a few weeks back and now its come back even worse than before. Gosh if i ever met this woman i honestly think i would do harm to her even though i know my husband started the affair.

Any advice much appreciated.

 

Time helps and for me just knowing the truth no matter what it was helped. If I knew the truth then I didn't picture really awful things in my head. Sometimes the things we picture are things that didn't happen. Overall time and other tragic things taking my focus off that situation.

[y2k]

Hi everyone,

I posted on another thread that we are starting councelling this coming week.

However every waking minute of every day the images of my OH making love with this OW is now making taking over my life and i feel like i am loosing my mind........ i have been crying most of this morning as on my own whilst he is at work.

I cannot see these images ever fading, in fact how much worse can they get right now.

 

I keep looking at my husband and feeling sick again as if it was only yesterday i found out about the affair and not 9/10 months ago.

 

This woman is in my head every waking moment and i just want it to stop.:mad:

 

Has anyone advice on how long this will last ( i know we are all different) and what to do when it hits. Its like a porn movie being played in my head constantly.

I thought it was fading a few weeks back and now its come back even worse than before. Gosh if i ever met this woman i honestly think i would do harm to her even though i know my husband started the affair.

Any advice much appreciated.

 

I know most of the people here on loveshack are "marriage purists". But in my opinion, he's not worth suffering for. He cheated on you. You should have left him. You should leave him. Have some self-esteem.

 

Find someone in life who wants to legitimately be with you, not a man who has to get "counseling" to have to be the love of your life. He should be your partner willingly, not because of "duty". He didn't do it.

 

You want to be cured??? Leave him and find someone else. Love yourself!!! Because if you don't, no one else will!!!!!!! Good luck!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had a lot of experience with the damn in-head pornos as well. Worse then just knowing about it I also got to read specific things between H and OWs as well as see pictures of some engaging in certain things.

 

Very painful.

 

I have also had multiple d-days with varying things be it adultery or other items of my husband's sexual addiction. I have also found articles of clothing periodically

 

There was something that has helped tremendously and that is EMDR therapy. I think I would have had to leave or end up in the nut house by now if I didn't get any.

 

It is kind of pricy but worth every penny. There are very few things that trigger the images anymore and they don't loop through 24/7. More like a couple of times a week but just as background noise.

 

The worst parts for me now was when my husband put up online dating ads and told two girls that they were his 'dreamgirl.' and the other time where he mentioned he was looking for 'the right girl.' It does something to my head.

[y2k]

I'm just personally shocked at how there are many women that learn of their husband's infidelity, and they don't leave the bastard.

 

Yes it hurts. But the best cure is to throw the cheater out and find another man that will love you legit. Ladies........please have some self-esteem. It's not easy, but it's the best option!!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

There are actually physiological reasons why we don't generally throw our husbands out after infidelity.

 

It seems pretty counterintuitive, but a divorce in top of being a victim of infidelity is just overwhelming times 5.

 

In a big way we often choose to keep and work through our marriages as part of our self-respect and respect for our family unit. Otherwise it is like we 'lost' our husband to 'cheap OW' and then gave her our families as well.

 

All because our husband were too dumb not to thinks with the little head instead of the big one.

 

I would not have stayed if my husband was not in treatment for Sexual Addiction now and I still may not depending on my trauma levels and if there is ever a way to restore trust.

 

Either option is extremely stressful, I will pick the one that is less stressful and more fulfilling long-term.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm just personally shocked at how there are many women that learn of their husband's infidelity, and they don't leave the bastard.

 

Yes it hurts. But the best cure is to throw the cheater out and find another man that will love you legit. Ladies........please have some self-esteem. It's not easy, but it's the best option!!!!!

 

As well, sometimes we see things in a different light then you guys:

 

Him: she cheated and threw away 20 years! What a stupid cheap bitch!

Her: he was a great husband for 19 years before this happened, we may have another good 20 together if we can work this out and move past it.

 

It is very hard to find a decent male candidate for a 20 year LTR. We also hope that the negative consequences for what they did make them less likely to do it again. Better the Devil you know sometimes.

[y2k]

There are actually physiological reasons why we don't generally throw our husbands out after infidelity.

 

It seems pretty counterintuitive, but a divorce in top of being a victim of infidelity is just overwhelming times 5.

 

In a big way we often choose to keep and work through our marriages as part of our self-respect and respect for our family unit. Otherwise it is like we 'lost' our husband to 'cheap OW' and then gave her our families as well.

 

All because our husband were too dumb not to thinks with the little head instead of the big one.

 

I would not have stayed if my husband was not in treatment for Sexual Addiction now and I still may not depending on my trauma levels and if there is ever a way to restore trust.

 

Either option is extremely stressful, I will pick the one that is less stressful and more fulfilling long-term.

 

You need to do what you feel is best for you. Make your own opinion.

 

But if you happen to stay with the cheater, then you must not complain when the pain that comes with it affects you.

 

In my opinion, throwing him out is VERY RESPECTFUL for your family. My life got WAY BETTER when my mom threw out my abusive cheating dad. Seeing my mom happy made me a million times better.

 

If you have daughters, it'll show them that she should never accept such abuse from a man (or from anyone for that matter). How would you like it if your daughter married a man who became as much as a cheater as your husband is??? I would hope she leaves and finds love elsewhere. If you have sons, you'll show them how being dishonest can hurt people.

 

If your husband wants to be a father to his children, he can do it VERY WELL whether you're the love of his life, or another woman is. My father was thrown out of my house when I was 11. He's a great dad to me. He never stopped being a father.

 

I just hope some women can get some self-esteem BUT.....this decision is yours. I just hoped to offer an opinion. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but it's reality. Good luck in what you choose.

[dreamingoftigers]

You need to do what you feel is best for you. Make your own opinion.

 

But if you happen to stay with the cheater, then you must not complain when the pain that comes with it affects you.

 

In my opinion, throwing him out is VERY RESPECTFUL for your family. My life got WAY BETTER when my mom threw out my abusive cheating dad. Seeing my mom happy made me a million times better.

 

If you have daughters, it'll show them that she should never accept such abuse from a man (or from anyone for that matter). How would you like it if your daughter married a man who became as much as a cheater as your husband is??? I would hope she leaves and finds love elsewhere. If you have sons, you'll show them how being dishonest can hurt people.

 

If your husband wants to be a father to his children, he can do it VERY WELL whether you're the love of his life, or another woman is. My father was thrown out of my house when I was 11. He's a great dad to me. He never stopped being a father.

 

I just hope some women can get some self-esteem BUT.....this decision is yours. I just hoped to offer an opinion. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but it's reality. Good luck in what you choose.

 

If we played the 'sweep in under the carpet' game then I agree that working things out is the absolute wrong thing to role-model to my daughter.

 

That being said, over the course of 20-30 years most people will do a dealbreaking behaviour statistically. Whether it be abuse, neglect, adultery or addiction. So by putting two people together in a marriage, I believe that there would be an icredibly low percentage of marriages unaffected by one of these. And they are all modern acceptable reasons to divorce.

 

My husband's sexual addiction was founded on top of many years of foundational issues including being abandoned by 4 mothers and 4 (possibly five) fathers. He has a lot of trouble connecting with other people that I was not aware of before we were married despite my best efforts to become familiar with his history.

 

This isn't a "cheater ticket" but what it does show the flawed template of an addict/wayward spouse. Statistically someone from that background (and mine as well tbh) is going to end up **** Creek in a relationship because their coping skills and relational ideas suck ass.

 

The way out of the unhealthy relational dynamics that we would set up in our lives is not to play the relationship roulette wheel until we both find someone who is codependent to us enough to stat or that we are simply unhealthily latched on enough not to leave. The way to stop the dynamic for both of us is to realize what we have done is destructive, ****ty, doesn't work and not something we want to go through again.

 

The way out is through. My h is treatment has finally hit the edges of "holy ****, I am a ****ty husband/father." that is miles ahead of someone else I might pick who hasn't screwed up yet, but doesn't realize that they have baggage and may or may not be willing to work on it (this person also wouldn't be my child's father which adds in more baggage for my little one).

 

If the future looked like it was going to be Cheaterland every six months, then yes I would go. I have done enough tours of Cheaterland to realize that the tour doesn't get any better each time around. In fact the bus better not ever stop in Cheaterland again, or I will be getting off and not ever getting back on again. That is because at this point it will show that it will never stop. That would be horrible for my daughter to marry into when she is older.

 

Right now she is not yet two. I know she has quite an awareness but my hope is that with what we are learning and changing that she will end up seeing a healthy relationship between Mom and Dad being role-modeled to her and that in the future she will have her template set to look for a guy who will be able to provide that. She is absolutely my primary concern, and I quite adore her.

 

I am willing to tough out a lot of this for her.

[dreamingoftigers]

BTW, my father was a cheater/abuser/alcoholic too. I believe that my mother should have set firmer lines and tossed his ass out when he refused to get help instead of stupidly, blindly trusting that he would stop. I think it was easier for her to remain in denial then to try to support herself and stop lying on the couch watching Oprah day after day.

[y2k]

BTW, my father was a cheater/abuser/alcoholic too. I believe that my mother should have set firmer lines and tossed his ass out when he refused to get help instead of stupidly, blindly trusting that he would stop. I think it was easier for her to remain in denial then to try to support herself and stop lying on the couch watching Oprah day after day.

 

Before reading, please note that anything I say may seem harsh, but I mean no harm or disrespect towards you. I only hope to offer an opinion.

 

You just filled an entire page long response basically defending your husband's actions I see way too many women do that. Human beings like sex. There's nothing abnormal about that. A month ago, i spent an entire day with a woman non-stop. Humans like sex. Welcome to the real world.

 

Then you claim the same won't happen with your daughter because hopefully, according to you, she'll see a "healthy relationship" between their parents.

 

Yet you then respond that your parents went through more or less the same things. There seems to be a cycle. Why not BREAK IT???!!!!!

 

Your daughter will be in healthy relationships if she sees her mother STRONG as a rock. If she sees her mother as someone who demands respect and doesn't accept betrayal, she will be more likely to end that cycle. My mother took NO BULL from my daddy. After my dad was thrown out, she had various relationships. She's in one now, and she's HAPPY, but she doesn't accept the bull. If any betrayal happens, she shows them the door. She has self-respect, and it's damn admirable. Thanks to this self-respect of hers, she professionalized herself, and now she makes her own money, and she calls all the shots. She's actually one of the more respected people in our co-op building, and everyone, from the cops in the area, to her co-workers, to even my friends have great admiration and respect for her. And she's not lacking a man's company if she needs it. She's got the self-esteem (which attracts males, hint hint) to the point where loneliness is not an issue.

 

You seem to be projecting a low self-esteem in your posts. You did admit that it's not easy finding another man for a long term relationship. It very well may not be easy, but if you had a self esteem, you'd find it "do-able". You would better yourself. Yes maybe you'd have to work on socializing again and yes maybe you'd have to start hitting the gym or buying new clothes, etc. But in the end, you'd end up better. If your daughter saw this, she'd gain GREAT self-esteem. In her head she'll always know "if a man abuses or cheats me, I'll show him the door and find another one". And you know, if she has that attitude, she sure will.

 

Hope this helps.

[pinkrainbows]

I wish i never started this thread if all i did was cause an argument.

Unless your husband/wife has cheated no-one can possible understand the feelings i described at the beginning of my post..........

Totally gone off topic as well.

Very poorly too and my husband is also my main carer so please don't judge me either as you don't know me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Before reading, please note that anything I say may seem harsh, but I mean no harm or disrespect towards you. I only hope to offer an opinion.

 

You just filled an entire page long response basically defending your husband's actions I see way too many women do that. Human beings like sex. There's nothing abnormal about that. A month ago, i spent an entire day with a woman non-stop. Humans like sex. Welcome to the real world.

 

Then you claim the same won't happen with your daughter because hopefully, according to you, she'll see a "healthy relationship" between their parents.

Yet you then respond that your parents went through more or less the same things. There seems to be a cycle. Why not BREAK IT???!!!!!

Your daughter will be in healthy relationships if she sees her mother STRONG as a rock. If she sees her mother as someone who demands respect and doesn't accept betrayal, she will be more likely to end that cycle. My mother took NO BULL from my daddy. After my dad was thrown out, she had various relationships. She's in one now, and she's HAPPY, but she doesn't accept the bull. If any betrayal happens, she shows them the door. She has self-respect, and it's damn admirable. Thanks to this self-respect of hers, she professionalized herself, and now she makes her own money, and she calls all the shots. She's actually one of the more respected people in our co-op building, and everyone, from the cops in the area, to her co-workers, to even my friends have great admiration and respect for her. And she's not lacking a man's company if she needs it. She's got the self-esteem (which attracts males, hint hint) to the point where loneliness is not an issue.

 

You seem to be projecting a low self-esteem in your posts. You did admit that it's not easy finding another man for a long term relationship. It very well may not be easy, but if you had a self esteem, you'd find it "do-able". You would better yourself. Yes maybe you'd have to work on socializing again and yes maybe you'd have to start hitting the gym or buying new clothes, etc. But in the end, you'd end up better. If your daughter saw this, she'd gain GREAT

self-esteem. In her head she'll always know "if a man abuses or cheats me, I'll show him the door and find another one". And you know, if she has that attitude, she sure will.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Whoa, whoa.

 

I think that you missed PRECISELY what I was trying to say.

 

My commitment is to breaking the cycle. I have actually made a very heavy commitment to breaking the cycle that ran through my family. I am just choosing a different set of options to go through with that.

 

1. I am choosing for my family to go through treatment to end the unhealthy behaviors and become a happy family.

2. I know that I am more then capable of attracting another man, even a far better one for a LTR, fear not. My husband wasn't even my first marriage proposal (I think that he was 8th ??).

3. If my husband falters on treatment (he is in Phase One right now) then yes, he can have a wonderful trip to Divorce World. I am sick of his crap and have gone as far as I am willing to go.

4. Part of my self-esteem comes from knowing that I have done and will do all that I can to provide my daughter with her birth family.

5. I am not afraid to be 'alone' or single. In fact it would be easier. I just believe that given my husband's botched history (and mine as well) that now we realize where the stupidity lies, we deserve a chance to move past those things and try to be a family.

6. I will never go through this with another man. They all get their warnings upfront. If they form an addictive practice it us up to them to recognize it and seek treatment. My daughter's father is one thing, and he gets no more from me, but any other 'whatever' guy just needs to get gone.

 

I explained the logic that women often see with a mate, the long-term outlook. That's all.

 

Glad things worked out well with your mother.

[drifter777]

I wish i never started this thread if all i did was cause an argument.

Unless your husband/wife has cheated no-one can possible understand the feelings i described at the beginning of my post..........

Totally gone off topic as well.

Very poorly too and my husband is also my main carer so please don't judge me either as you don't know me.

 

It's still a good subject and I thank you for starting this thread. I hope more people who understand what you are talking about can offer suggestions for dealing with the images of our cheating spouse and OP that plague many of us and make forgiveness nearly impossible.

[dreamingoftigers]

What does husband being 'main carer' mean? Like he us the one that cares the most?

[Mcnulty]

No, it means Pinkrainbows husband is her carer...looks after her..helps her and supports her with whatever difficulty she has.

 

I

[cgannon]

Hi everyone,

I posted on another thread that we are starting councelling this coming week.

However every waking minute of every day the images of my OH making love with this OW is now making taking over my life and i feel like i am loosing my mind........ i have been crying most of this morning as on my own whilst he is at work.

I cannot see these images ever fading, in fact how much worse can they get right now.

 

I keep looking at my husband and feeling sick again as if it was only yesterday i found out about the affair and not 9/10 months ago.

 

This woman is in my head every waking moment and i just want it to stop.:mad:

 

Has anyone advice on how long this will last ( i know we are all different) and what to do when it hits. Its like a porn movie being played in my head constantly.

I thought it was fading a few weeks back and now its come back even worse than before. Gosh if i ever met this woman i honestly think i would do harm to her even though i know my husband started the affair.

Any advice much appreciated.

 

For some, the pain and the mental porn does fade with time. For me, they are like a war wound that I carry with me always. There are days when I don't THINK about them, but they are always there, waiting. My point in life has become to not make others have to commiserate with me or feel the pain I feel. I smile a lot when I don't mean it. Someone once told me to "fake it till you make it". I still haven't "made it", but I'm functional and that is all I can ask for at this point.

[pinkrainbows]

I am very ill with a chronic life long illness and mostly housebound. My husband is my main carer and mostly does everything for me.

Please don't judge me or him as there are other reason's that i am not prepared to put on here as they are far to personal.

 

This weekend something happened in our family that put things into perpective a little. We both talked for hours and realized we love each other to bits and i do feel quite alot better today.

We have also been through alot together. Been together 42 years, have children, granchildren too and very ill elderly parents.

 

I am hoping that these images do fade a little and trying to keep as busy as i can although mainly bedbound.

[Baroness67]

I'm sorry this thread went off topic as quickly as it did, but I'll answer the OP.

 

I chose to avoid a lot of heartache over "images" by not putting them in my head in the first place. I didn't press for details. I understood from the start that infidelity is infidelity, and that I would never know if it was 1 time or 10 times or 100 times. When he decided he was good with staying to work out the marriage, and I was OK with the entire scenario, the finer details had to become a moot point. It was punishing to him and masochistic on my part to turn into a prosecutor.

 

So, personally, I just chose not to go there. If you can't unring a bell or unsee a sight, I didn't want that between us. There was enough already.

 

Of course, it's the opposite for many others and they need the full disclosure of every word and deed - but I didn't want it.

 

That being said, over the course of 20-30 years most people will do a dealbreaking behaviour statistically. Whether it be abuse, neglect, adultery or addiction. So by putting two people together in a marriage, I believe that there would be an icredibly low percentage of marriages unaffected by one of these.

 

Totally agree with this. I had to decide if I wanted to keep the marriage and then figure out how to do that. It's like a table that breaks a leg. Either you find it in yourself to want to fix the leg on the table, or junk the whole thing at the curb. I had enough reasons in my situation to "break out the tool box".

[drifter777]

Many thanks to those of you who read the topic and offered advice on dealing with the images of spouse & OP. It continues to be very difficult for me to make them go away and makes true forgiveness impossible.