If I ever mattered...

[wistful]

Lately I've had a few dreams about my college girlfriend. We broke up years ago. These dreams have left me caused me to wake up feeling really sad - like sick in to my gut - and on the verge of tears.

 

I never really spoke to anyone about our breakup, it was really painful and many times I got "Dude, man up!" or "What sort of idiot are you to lose a girl like her?" so I stopped talking to people about it. She was the love of my life, I'll never forget the first time I heard her laugh, or that when she told me she loved me for the first time I shed a tear. She was incredible.

 

I stood by her through all her struggles - a bout of depression, glandular fever and a poor relationship with her family. I feel terrible complaining but it was tough. As a 20 year old kid knowing what to do when someone you love makes comments about committing suicide isn't easy. Around the same time a friend of mine did actually try to kill herself. I lost a lot of sleep, suffered terrible nightmares and almost failed a year in college. She wouldn't talk to anyone else about what was going on. Her mother made me feel so responsible for her, I felt like if anything bad happened I'd be the one to be blamed.

 

She was over weight as a kid and had issues with her body. I remember finding photos where she'd cut her face out of them. I made sure to let her know how beautiful I thought she and show her how much I loved her every day. I hacked up a FHM 100 Hottest Women one year and put her photo in at number one - she smiled for days.

 

Then one day just out of the blue she broke up with me. She said there were "problems" and would never elaborate.

 

She cheated on me, and told me after she left me. I told her once that I missed her, she said it made her feel bad and that was why she cheated on me - he made her feel good. She apparently didn't like having that sort of control over someone. And she didn't feel one bit of guilt for cheating on me.

 

She started going out with a friend - not the guy she cheated with - of mine within a month of leaving me. I became the butt of plenty of "jokes" after that happened, people would mention his name in conversations just to see how I would react.

 

She lied to mutual friends about me. I'd meet them and have to explain we'd broken up, a lot of them would say things like "What did you expect the way you were behaving?". It hurt even more to have to defend myself to people I'd considered good friends.

 

What still sticks with me is that near the end my ex said "I know you'll stand by me through this, that's the sort of guy you are"...and yet she knew all along she had been lying to me.

 

I was in a band with her now brother-in-law and so her sister and family were constantly at our shows. I put aside my hurt to keep it going when really I wanted to leave to completely cut ties with my ex. It hurt even more when they would discuss their wedding knowing that I was the only person in the room who wasn't invited.

 

I felt like I was being betrayed by everyone. And I felt like such a fool for basically being a doormat, I thought I'd been doing the right thing all along by being there when she needed me - that's what you do for someone you love right?

 

Apparently I was no "fun" either. It certainly wasn't "fun" for me supporting her all the time but I still did it, you don't just bail on someone when it's not "fun".

 

I've done my very best to move on with my life. I got a Masters degree, I've got my career on track, I lived abroad for a few years and did plenty of traveling. And have had a few relationships since.

 

I loved her deeply. We were together for 4 years and would really like to know if anything I did for her ever really mattered. If I and everything I sacrificed actually meant anything to her. We still have a lot of mutual friends and I try to avoid them. I don't want to run into her and be reminded me of how utterly worthless she made me feel.

 

I just never seem to be able to totally shake her out of my head.

 

(Sorry for such a long post!).

[giuliano-3]

That's tough. I'm starting to feel lucky that my ex went up to live with her mom 1,500 miles away from me after cheating on me in a different continent. The space makes it easier to not have any interaction. The space makes everything more final. You sound like a decent dude, remember at that age a lot of people are unable to truly cope with feelings of responsibility and guilt. They run away instead.

 

I've had a few dreams, sad dreams regarding her - and always wondered if one day the dreams would stop. That's a bummer, man.

[giuliano-3]

And remember that you probably did matter to her, just don't beat yourself up over not knowing for sure. Some people are able to turn emotions on/off like a light switch. Some of us cannot.

[Axee]

Wistful,

I have been where you are .. I completely understand what you are going through, lets just say I have been on both the sides, where i gave and where I took..

 

I will tell you one thing, she took you for granted no doubt in that , but heart of hearts, her soul knows what she did to you, she may nevr acknowledge it but trust me she knows.

 

You have already spent so much time on her , its better not to spend more time on it , she knows what she did to u and you mattered ..

 

Only thing is with time, she might have felt you werent much of a challenge .yes, one needs to be there when needed but unfortunately only the one who really loves us appreciates us then and the rest take us for granted.

This is coming from me, a person who took someone for granted once and now was taken for granted

Peace ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lately I've had a few dreams about my college girlfriend. We broke up years ago. These dreams have left me caused me to wake up feeling really sad - like sick in to my gut - and on the verge of tears.

 

I never really spoke to anyone about our breakup, it was really painful and many times I got "Dude, man up!" or "What sort of idiot are you to lose a girl like her?" so I stopped talking to people about it. She was the love of my life, I'll never forget the first time I heard her laugh, or that when she told me she loved me for the first time I shed a tear. She was incredible.

 

I stood by her through all her struggles - a bout of depression, glandular fever and a poor relationship with her family. I feel terrible complaining but it was tough. As a 20 year old kid knowing what to do when someone you love makes comments about committing suicide isn't easy. Around the same time a friend of mine did actually try to kill herself. I lost a lot of sleep, suffered terrible nightmares and almost failed a year in college. She wouldn't talk to anyone else about what was going on. Her mother made me feel so responsible for her, I felt like if anything bad happened I'd be the one to be blamed.

 

She was over weight as a kid and had issues with her body. I remember finding photos where she'd cut her face out of them. I made sure to let her know how beautiful I thought she and show her how much I loved her every day. I hacked up a FHM 100 Hottest Women one year and put her photo in at number one - she smiled for days.

 

Then one day just out of the blue she broke up with me. She said there were "problems" and would never elaborate.

 

She cheated on me, and told me after she left me. I told her once that I missed her, she said it made her feel bad and that was why she cheated on me - he made her feel good. She apparently didn't like having that sort of control over someone. And she didn't feel one bit of guilt for cheating on me.

 

She started going out with a friend - not the guy she cheated with - of mine within a month of leaving me. I became the butt of plenty of "jokes" after that happened, people would mention his name in conversations just to see how I would react.

 

She lied to mutual friends about me. I'd meet them and have to explain we'd broken up, a lot of them would say things like "What did you expect the way you were behaving?". It hurt even more to have to defend myself to people I'd considered good friends.

 

What still sticks with me is that near the end my ex said "I know you'll stand by me through this, that's the sort of guy you are"...and yet she knew all along she had been lying to me.

 

I was in a band with her now brother-in-law and so her sister and family were constantly at our shows. I put aside my hurt to keep it going when really I wanted to leave to completely cut ties with my ex. It hurt even more when they would discuss their wedding knowing that I was the only person in the room who wasn't invited.

 

I felt like I was being betrayed by everyone. And I felt like such a fool for basically being a doormat, I thought I'd been doing the right thing all along by being there when she needed me - that's what you do for someone you love right?

 

Apparently I was no "fun" either. It certainly wasn't "fun" for me supporting her all the time but I still did it, you don't just bail on someone when it's not "fun".

 

I've done my very best to move on with my life. I got a Masters degree, I've got my career on track, I lived abroad for a few years and did plenty of traveling. And have had a few relationships since.

 

I loved her deeply. We were together for 4 years and would really like to know if anything I did for her ever really mattered. If I and everything I sacrificed actually meant anything to her. We still have a lot of mutual friends and I try to avoid them. I don't want to run into her and be reminded me of how utterly worthless she made me feel.

 

I just never seem to be able to totally shake her out of my head.

 

(Sorry for such a long post!).

[saucytatertot69]

hey man. I feel for you because I'm going through the same thing. About 8 months ago my ex of 1 1/2 years dumped me. About 3 weeks later she found someone else. The guy she got with is a douche bag. He uses girls and plays them with complete disregard of their feelings. They broke up in February and recently got back together. While they were broken up he used one of my friend's best friend. I can't believe she gave him a second chance. I'm kind of annoyed because I feel like nice guys finished last. I feel like I didn't matter. I feel forgotten. Me and her talked casually like 3 or 4 as friends while she was broken up with him, but now that I found out she's with the guy again. Anyways, you are not alone. It's hard to determine whether or not we did matter because we don't see it. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not able to shake my ex out of my head either.

[wistful]

And remember that you probably did matter to her, just don't beat yourself up over not knowing for sure. Some people are able to turn emotions on/off like a light switch. Some of us cannot.

 

Thanks giuliano-3, for the first while it used to eat me up quite a bit but as time has gone on it doesn't matter as much. So hopefully it won't matter at all once some more time passes.

[wistful]

Wistful,

I have been where you are .. I completely understand what you are going through, lets just say I have been on both the sides, where i gave and where I took..

 

I will tell you one thing, she took you for granted no doubt in that , but heart of hearts, her soul knows what she did to you, she may nevr acknowledge it but trust me she knows.

 

You have already spent so much time on her , its better not to spend more time on it , she knows what she did to u and you mattered ..

 

Only thing is with time, she might have felt you werent much of a challenge .yes, one needs to be there when needed but unfortunately only the one who really loves us appreciates us then and the rest take us for granted.

This is coming from me, a person who took someone for granted once and now was taken for granted

Peace ...

 

Thanks Axee, I definitely have wasted a lot more time on her although a lot of it hasn't been on purpose - just these dreams that crop up from time to time. I guess it's my subconscious still wrestling with it all. I do know that part of me still stings a bit knowing that after all the stuff we went through together I never got a chance to be there when she was all okay. I remember telling her that after we broke up, it's felt like nurturing a seed only for then f**ker to cut the heads off the roses.

[wistful]

hey man. I feel for you because I'm going through the same thing. About 8 months ago my ex of 1 1/2 years dumped me. About 3 weeks later she found someone else. The guy she got with is a douche bag. He uses girls and plays them with complete disregard of their feelings. They broke up in February and recently got back together. While they were broken up he used one of my friend's best friend. I can't believe she gave him a second chance. I'm kind of annoyed because I feel like nice guys finished last. I feel like I didn't matter. I feel forgotten. Me and her talked casually like 3 or 4 as friends while she was broken up with him, but now that I found out she's with the guy again. Anyways, you are not alone. It's hard to determine whether or not we did matter because we don't see it. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not able to shake my ex out of my head either.

 

I remember when I found about my ex and my "friend", I actually felt sorry for her because I knew what the guy was like. He'd only weeks before been trying to score my housemate after she split from her long term boyfriend.

 

It hurt, but then I started to think "they deserve each other". If she can't see through his BS then she deserves it after how she treated me, hopefully she'll learn what she lost. It wasn't easy to feel like that immediately after she left me, I was still in love with her and wanted to look out for her.

 

Keep your head up! I can't remember who said it but I heard a quote mentioned from some famous musician who, in response to the "nice guys finish last" attitude, said "Nice guys last".

[TheLoneSock]

I loved her deeply. We were together for 4 years and would really like to know if anything I did for her ever really mattered.

 

It did. But she will never, ever, ever be big enough to tell you that. Behind all the self delusion and blame deflection she has done, deep down she knows. Do you really think a person like that would ever be good enough to admit that to you? Of course not.

 

You're a kind, educated and cultured man. Don't hang yourself over a woman who treated you like dirt. I guarantee you she is not happy where ever she is, women (and people in general) like that never are.

 

The validation you seek isn't necessary, though it may feel like a void inside you won't ever be filled without it. Fill it instead with the knowledge that she lost a lot when she made that bad turn in life and ejected you from it in such a cruel way.

 

The dreams are normal. But they are just that, dreams. She was a wicked woman that you were good enough to love. Forget about what could have been, because if it were supposed to be it would have - plain and simple. You clearly deserve better.

[saucytatertot69]

I remember when I found about my ex and my "friend", I actually felt sorry for her because I knew what the guy was like. He'd only weeks before been trying to score my housemate after she split from her long term boyfriend.

 

It hurt, but then I started to think "they deserve each other". If she can't see through his BS then she deserves it after how she treated me, hopefully she'll learn what she lost. It wasn't easy to feel like that immediately after she left me, I was still in love with her and wanted to look out for her.

 

Keep your head up! I can't remember who said it but I heard a quote mentioned from some famous musician who, in response to the "nice guys finish last" attitude, said "Nice guys last".

 

Thanks man, truly means a lot to me that you shared. As much as I want to be there for her, I can't. It's not my place. This dude is an ******* who uses girls like tissue. He cheats on them, uses them to get to someone else. If he can't control a girl as he pleases than he leaves and moves on to the next. In the case with my ex, he left her because he wasn't able to control her so he left and went to the next chick who rejected him which caused him to go back to my ex who took him back. Rant over. I apologize. I too am struggling with if I really mattered to her, or if I made an impact in her life. After all I was her first boyfriend so I must have right?

[Sugarkane]

Hey I can relate to your story. I met my ex through a friend of a friend. We dated a year, I fell really hard for him. I did everything with him and was good friends with his friends aswell. Everything seemed great. Then he dumped me completely out of the blue, by phone. He didn't even have a reason. Then the next day he texted me. He said that I have no self esteem and no social skills. To top it off he said that he "should've dumped me a long time ago". Great way to dump someone hey?

 

I fell hard for this guy and wanted a future with him! He turned everyone against me. So no one would tell me WTF had happened. Blamed me for everything. He didn't have the decency to even face me. I was severly depressed for months. I lost my friends aswell, as if it wasn't hard enough. Its been a year and I haven't had any contact with him. I'll never forgive him, I'm not a doormat. Besides forgiveness includes someone actually telling you their sorry. My ex never did this at all.

I hope you never even remotely have any to do with this heartless woman.

[wistful]

Hey I can relate to your story. I met my ex through a friend of a friend. We dated a year, I fell really hard for him. I did everything with him and was good friends with his friends aswell. Everything seemed great. Then he dumped me completely out of the blue, by phone. He didn't even have a reason. Then the next day he texted me. He said that I have no self esteem and no social skills. To top it off he said that he "should've dumped me a long time ago". Great way to dump someone hey?

 

I fell hard for this guy and wanted a future with him! He turned everyone against me. So no one would tell me WTF had happened. Blamed me for everything. He didn't have the decency to even face me. I was severly depressed for months. I lost my friends aswell, as if it wasn't hard enough. Its been a year and I haven't had any contact with him. I'll never forgive him, I'm not a doormat. Besides forgiveness includes someone actually telling you their sorry. My ex never did this at all.

I hope you never even remotely have any to do with this heartless woman.

 

That's lousy and a cowardly way of leaving someone, he's definitely not worth any more of your heartache - keep up the no contact!

 

The only "apology" my ex ever gave me was "What can I say, I'm a bitch?" but she might as well have said "Please leave a message after the beep" for the sincerity she put into it.

[wistful]

Thanks man, truly means a lot to me that you shared. As much as I want to be there for her, I can't. It's not my place. This dude is an ******* who uses girls like tissue. He cheats on them, uses them to get to someone else. If he can't control a girl as he pleases than he leaves and moves on to the next. In the case with my ex, he left her because he wasn't able to control her so he left and went to the next chick who rejected him which caused him to go back to my ex who took him back. Rant over. I apologize. I too am struggling with if I really mattered to her, or if I made an impact in her life. After all I was her first boyfriend so I must have right?

 

No problem. I understand how you're feeling, while it's generally the answer given to all love's problems time definitely helps. I used to struggle with my issues with my ex daily, but as time has passed it's become less and less.

 

I don't know why I occasionally have dreams about her, but they're getting more infrequent. I obviously have some unresolved issues and I think also that I felt so strongly for her that those things just don't disappear easily. Hopefully with some more time it'll stop completely.

 

Posting here definitely helped me, I was afraid it would bring back a wave of sadness however it hasn't. I was able to get across what I was trying to say. All the supportive replies I got definitely helped too.