Well . . .

[26pointblue]

I did it. I said goodbye to xMM for good, & meant it. Last evening I was getting ready to go out with my best friend & I had this strange feeling of peace & calmness & knowing that even though I didn't feel totally ready to get over him, I had to make myself. I had this thought that I wanted to put the idea of him to rest for good so that I could really start moving on [again. I was there but then I had a big set back when he left the vm that he was going to be moving out.]

 

I took BB07's advice & sent him one last message because that was my closure to myself. I have always looked for answers & decisions from him & never get them so I just wanted to decide that I was done with him no matter what he does or says. That I would send him a final forever goodbye & then never talk to him again no matter what, really try to stop waiting around seeing if he was going to contact me or follow through on his words etc.

 

So using inspiration from BB07 I sent him this message:

 

I hope you have a good life. I just can't be any part of it anymore. Goodbye.

 

Now I'm kind of regretting it [?] because this morning he sent me back:

 

I hope you have a wonderful life [My name]. I do. I know that you can't be with me now. It's so sad. Goodbye. I will miss you.

 

I know in my head that this is a good way to finally end things even though I've had these grand delusions of, well if we have to end for good then we will have one last nice special night together, or a long hug or conversation etc. [The funny thing is that we have done all of that, only to eventually wind up back together again.] But getting that message just felt like a knife through my heart & it makes me so very sad. I had spent the night at my friend's last night & I just felt really lonely. Then this morning I woke up to that message & pretty much lost it. I was crying hard in my car on the way home & then when I went to the gas station to get some coffee I was just wandering around like a crying zombie or mental institution patient. [i kind of feel like I should be one!]

 

I feel good that today is Day 1 of getting over him. This feels even harder than when I went NC. I think because it actually feels real for the first time ever . . . I always had a feeling we weren't really over, because I was waiting around to see what he would do & I knew that I would take him back if possible, & now I have the feeling that we are, because it was my choice & I just don't want to be with him anymore no matter what, I want to move on from this. I know I can get into a good place- last time I was feeling so strong & even happy before I went back to thinking about him & pretty much basing all my emotions & hopes on what he was going to do. I know/hope I will feel that way soon but right now I'm just a mess. I feel so sad & lonely & heartbroken even though this was my decision. Except really it wasn't, it's just what I had to do because I was tired of hanging on & hoping when I knew it wasn't going to work out. I am just so sad.

[26pointblue]

This feels so hard but I'm trying to just tell myself I know I can do better & I will never get there if I'm stuck on him.

 

My first step was not writing him back that I would miss him too, which I really wanted to do, & just not writing him anything back at all, period. I'm pretty sure that my phone contract is up [or very close to being up, I hope it's up] & so my next step is going to be going to Sprint & getting a different phone. We used BBM & I only used it to talk to him & now for some reason just seeing the little BBM icon on there is a huge trigger for me. My job has been wanting me to get an Android because it's more secure or something, so I'm going to get that & I really think it will feel like a new start. Even just looking at my phone makes me sad & mad because it is a huge reminder of him. I used to be tied to it waiting for him to call or text me or BBM me, & then after I went NC I'd always wonder if he would try to call me, & when he did I would feel so much better but also so much worse, & I'm just tired of it. I feel like if I have a new phone that I'll tell myself I'll use for business purposes mainly, & also to talk to friends & family but NOTHING at all having to do with xMM, & that I'm going to try to have a real life & not be tied to the phone, then I'll feel so much better.

 

I'm moving to a new place in a couple weeks & so that will be a new start too, which I'm scared/excited about. I just asked my sister if I could fly her out here over Memorial Day weekend so that she can help me move & set up the apartment & decorate. I just feel so lonely & I need her here so that I don't cave & try to do something really dumb like contact him & say oops just kidding. I'm going to try so hard to get over him because i really, really need to. This is just ridiculous- I guess I didn't even realize how obsessed with him I was because it feels like someone died. I mean i know no one did but it feels so awful.

[turnstone]

Yessss.......... it looks like his final message had the desired effect. Do you see that? Do you see how you were ok, but getting his message was like a 'knife through the heart'. Pretty manipulative wouldn't you say?

 

You're doing very well not replying and doing the practical things like getting a new phone and seeing it as a fresh start. You strike me as very perceptive and self-aware.

 

Well done for looking after yourself, for being wise and for taking such a hard step. It'll pay off.

[26pointblue]

Yessss.......... it looks like his final message had the desired effect. Do you see that? Do you see how you were ok, but getting his message was like a 'knife through the heart'. Pretty manipulative wouldn't you say?

 

You're doing very well not replying and doing the practical things like getting a new phone and seeing it as a fresh start. You strike me as very perceptive and self-aware.

 

Well done for looking after yourself, for being wise and for taking such a hard step. It'll pay off.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't know if he sent it to be manipulative or to just respond. I think he wrote the 'I'll miss you' hoping to hear it, or something, back from me, which normally he would. I don't know if he can tell I'm finally done for good because I haven't been responding to his attempts to contact me/ vms & emails etc., except for this one text which I tried to make it pretty clear in that we were over, in a nice way. So I don't know if he gets that & is trying to respond in a nice way or if he is just glad to hear from me & thinks that I will write again, I don't know. At first I was trying not to think at all about him or his motives but then I realized that is pretty impossible & so instead I am telling myself that no matter what he says or why, I know I am done. I am glad I ended it on this note for myself although it did hurt like hell to hear from him like that so I'm like, hello, why were you opening yourself up for pain?

 

But I think it's because I need it. I am just letting myself wallow this weekend & really just crying it out & hurting because I need to feel that it's real & it hurts in order to get over him. I have to cry out the false hope so to speak? And then if he tries to contact me again [which based on our entire history together I would say he will probably try to do, but maybe not if he reallly takes me seriously this time, & maybe he is kind of relieved/glad it's over for good], I will remember how much it hurt & what it took to get through it & I will tell myself I don't want to be set back to step 1 all over again. I already did that several times before, most recently when I went NC recently, I was sad & it was hard [but didn't feel this hard] but then I felt strong & knew I had made the right decision . . . & then I cave & go back & start the process all over again which is just plain dumb. I feel like I need the knife in my heart to just cut it out for good! So that I can be strong & determined to move on no matter what he does. I don't think I've been in that place before & I am trying so hard to get there.

 

Thank you for the kind words Turnstone.

[whichwayisup]

It's final. It's really over and he confirmed it by saying goodbye back.

 

As painful as this is, your true grieving can now begin so you can start to heal.

 

This is the first day of your "new" life without him, for real this time. In afew weeks/months you'll feel a weight lifted off of you and you'll be relieved no more rollercoaster ride of emotions.

[26pointblue]

It's final. It's really over and he confirmed it by saying goodbye back.

 

As painful as this is, your true grieving can now begin so you can start to heal.

 

This is the first day of your "new" life without him, for real this time. In afew weeks/months you'll feel a weight lifted off of you and you'll be relieved no more rollercoaster ride of emotions.

 

I sure hope so & I keep telling myself that! I can't wait for the few weeks/months to pass.

 

I think I made a lot of progress in living my life without him & then there was this huge set-back but I know I'm capable of doing it.

 

I agree he confirmed it by saying goodbye. I'm glad I wasn't waiting on May 15 to get here [well I was, but I knew that probably nothing would happen], because I think this is his way of kind of being like, whew, she cut me off before I had to come up with some explanation for not moving out, or just stop contacting her because I didn't move out, etc. I think that if he were moving out he would protest & say 'but there's only one more week . . .' like he has in the past. I'm so glad he didn't but it just goes to show me that it was not smart to be waiting around on him when he probably was never going to do it, I don't even know why he would call me up & leave that message & not do it but that is something he would do! Maybe he had a low moment & wanted to say whatever it took to get me to talk to him, or maybe his wife was kicking him out, or giving him an ultimatum & he was trying to test my reaction, or something. Anyway in the end it doesn't matter, I went NC with him after I caught him in a bold-faced lie & I know I deserve better & I know he knows he has used up his chances with me. It's like I knew it deep down that we needed to be over but I was still hanging on to some shred of hope & now I'm not.

 

Thank you for the help & I am really hoping you're right that soon it will start to feel better!

[Irishlove]

Thank you.

 

I don't know if he sent it to be manipulative or to just respond. I think he wrote the 'I'll miss you' hoping to hear it, or something, back from me, which normally he would. I don't know if he can tell I'm finally done for good because I haven't been responding to his attempts to contact me/ vms & emails etc., except for this one text which I tried to make it pretty clear in that we were over, in a nice way. So I don't know if he gets that & is trying to respond in a nice way or if he is just glad to hear from me & thinks that I will write again, I don't know. At first I was trying not to think at all about him or his motives but then I realized that is pretty impossible & so instead I am telling myself that no matter what he says or why, I know I am done. I am glad I ended it on this note for myself although it did hurt like hell to hear from him like that so I'm like, hello, why were you opening yourself up for pain?

 

But I think it's because I need it. I am just letting myself wallow this weekend & really just crying it out & hurting because I need to feel that it's real & it hurts in order to get over him. I have to cry out the false hope so to speak? And then if he tries to contact me again [which based on our entire history together I would say he will probably try to do, but maybe not if he reallly takes me seriously this time, & maybe he is kind of relieved/glad it's over for good], I will remember how much it hurt & what it took to get through it & I will tell myself I don't want to be set back to step 1 all over again. I already did that several times before, most recently when I went NC recently, I was sad & it was hard [but didn't feel this hard] but then I felt strong & knew I had made the right decision . . . & then I cave & go back & start the process all over again which is just plain dumb. I feel like I need the knife in my heart to just cut it out for good! So that I can be strong & determined to move on no matter what he does. I don't think I've been in that place before & I am trying so hard to get there.

 

Thank you for the kind words Turnstone.

All the mourning you do will help you get over him but the sad part is if he ever really does come back for good you won't want him because you will remember all this hurt you feel. When you finally get tired of being hurt that is when you're done. You have to KNOW that you don't deserve to be treated like that. You are not a puppet on a string. His text sounds like one of the many good byes my MM and I had. I swear I put myself out there to get hurt so many times. I think I mourned about four or five times with goodbyes. I finally woke up cause I got tired of crying. I got tired of someone else controlling MY emotions. I knew I loved him but I loved me more and I was done.done.done!

I had filed my divorce papers because it needed to be done on my end for several years and I was going on with my life. I had no idea what he was doing. I thought about him daily and I even went out on a date so only two weeks went by and he contacts me telling me he couldn't do it. I knew it was true because his wife was texting me and I did not respond to her. I'm still going on with my life. He made the choice to be a part of my life and divorce her and everyone knows. I am taking things slow and watching his actions instead of listening to his words.

 

YOU are worth every bit of a mans attention and a good man wouldn't let you cry. There would be no need because he would be too busy trying to make you happy. So flush that turd!! You look the prettiest when you are smiling

[26pointblue]

It's final. It's really over and he confirmed it by saying goodbye back.

 

As painful as this is, your true grieving can now begin so you can start to heal.

 

This is the first day of your "new" life without him, for real this time. In afew weeks/months you'll feel a weight lifted off of you and you'll be relieved no more rollercoaster ride of emotions.

 

Oh, I just wanted to say that this is what made me feel like I had to do it last evening. I had been trying to get ready for the last couple of days but I kept feeling like I had to totally be ready, like sit down & read through all my old posts & journal entries & see why I needed to be done . . . but then I realized I had to just do it & then there would be time to feel all the different feelings but the big step would be done. I wanted to tell myself that I would never talk to him again or have any hope for him starting Saturday, May 7, & so I wanted to send it to him last night & know that was it forever. Plus I was about to go hang out with my best friend & I knew that would help- I was even in a slightly celebratory mood although later I felt lonely & sad. But yes it does feel good to know that today is the first day of my life without him & I knew yesterday that I had to start that off today.

[BB07]

26point, I don't have time to say as much as I'd like to but I want you to know I hear you and I hurt for you although it doesn't do a darn thing to help you.

 

It sucks.......it's hard and it hurts like hell but you have to walk through it in order to get to the other side. I promise it will ease off after the 1st initial wave of it, although it will come and goes in waves for a while, but there is light.

 

Sending you love..........and hugs and strength, you can do this and you are doing what you have to do in order to find yourself and peace within and then you'll be ready for a healthy relationship that does not involve so much pain and the back and the forth. You are worth more than him.......don't forget that.

[26pointblue]

All the mourning you do will help you get over him but the sad part is if he ever really does come back for good you won't want him because you will remember all this hurt you feel. When you finally get tired of being hurt that is when you're done. You have to KNOW that you don't deserve to be treated like that. You are not a puppet on a string. His text sounds like one of the many good byes my MM and I had. I swear I put myself out there to get hurt so many times. I think I mourned about four or five times with goodbyes. I finally woke up cause I got tired of crying. I got tired of someone else controlling MY emotions. I knew I loved him but I loved me more and I was done.done.done!

I had filed my divorce papers because it needed to be done on my end for several years and I was going on with my life. I had no idea what he was doing. I thought about him daily and I even went out on a date so only two weeks went by and he contacts me telling me he couldn't do it. I knew it was true because his wife was texting me and I did not respond to her. I'm still going on with my life. He made the choice to be a part of my life and divorce her and everyone knows. I am taking things slow and watching his actions instead of listening to his words.

 

YOU are worth every bit of a mans attention and a good man wouldn't let you cry. There would be no need because he would be too busy trying to make you happy. So flush that turd!! You look the prettiest when you are smiling

 

Aww, thank you for the very helpful post. Yes, I had many times of us saying goodbye to each other & mourning, separately & with him, & yet he still kept coming back & I kept letting him. When I really think about it, you're right, who would keep coming back & hurting me like that? He knew that whenever he couldn't give me what I needed I would be sad & yet he would keep coming back. And who would keep letting that go on like I did?

 

But you're right, one of the reasons I was holding on is that I knew that to really get over him, I would have to give up all hope of us being together, that if he ever came back I would be so moved on that I wouldn't want to be with him. I knew that & he knew that & so I think that's why we both held on. But still he chose to not act & keep the status quo so I had no choice but to sever ties. It never would have ended so at least now it is ending.

 

You're right, if he really wanted me & loved me enough, he would be here with me. And he's not. So why be sad over some guy who doesn't want me enough? But I am! But I know in my head I shouldn't be & need to get over this because something better is out there, even if it's just me being happy alone. Which I was actually doing before he tried to come back again. At least I didn't take him back, at least I got rid of him for good this time. And you're right, to do that I have to realize all the things he's done to hurt me, & why he's not good for me, & once I've processed all of that, I can't go back. Even in my sadness there is a big part of me that is thinking, 'wow, what was I doing with him for so long?' So I know that part will just continue to grow & take over the shred of hope that was there so that I'll be glad we didn't end up together.

 

I'm glad things are working out for you & your guy & I hope everything continues to go well. You're right, I want someone who makes me happy, not sad. Thanks for the post.

[26pointblue]

26point, I don't have time to say as much as I'd like to but I want you to know I hear you and I hurt for you although it doesn't do a darn thing to help you.

 

It sucks.......it's hard and it hurts like hell but you have to walk through it in order to get to the other side. I promise it will ease off after the 1st initial wave of it, although it will come and goes in waves for a while, but there is light.

 

Sending you love..........and hugs and strength, you can do this and you are doing what you have to do in order to find yourself and peace within and then you'll be ready for a healthy relationship that does not involve so much pain and the back and the forth. You are worth more than him.......don't forget that.

 

Thank you BB07 & thank you for helping me be able to get to this place. I do want to get through it to where there's no more pain!!

[BB07]

Thank you BB07 & thank you for helping me be able to get to this place. I do want to get through it to where there's no more pain!!

 

 

I promise there will come a day when you won't miss him and you won't still love him. You will accept that it's for the best that it didn't work out and you are off the merry go round. It can happen.....as I'm proof. 26 point......I'm not perfect and I've got issues that I need to work through myself, residual stuff from my childhood, residual issues from my relationship with xmm and other stuff that has had a cumulative affect and next week I start my journey to finding peace of mind (therapy), but the above part of my post that I bolded is 100% true.

 

Take a listen to

[26pointblue]

I promise there will come a day when you won't miss him and you won't still love him. You will accept that it's for the best that it didn't work out and you are off the merry go round. It can happen.....as I'm proof. 26 point......I'm not perfect and I've got issues that I need to work through myself, residual stuff from my childhood, residual issues from my relationship with xmm and other stuff that has had a cumulative affect and next week I start my journey to finding peace of mind (therapy), but the above part of my post that I bolded is 100% true.

 

Take a listen to

 

I can't imagine feeling that way & I can't wait until I do! Yes, you're proof that it can work out for the best. I too have issues & I think that's how I could get into this in the first place -- I almost wonder if I hate myself & do things that will bring me pain or something. But then I feel like I don't want to be like that anymore & I want to be good to myself, so, that's hopeful.

 

Good luck in therapy & on continuing to get stronger. That song is awesome & I like the part where she says she's going to stop letting him drag her heart around. I can so relate! [i also like the apartment in the video, ha ha.]

 

Thanks BB07.

[Fight4Me]

(((BIG cyber hugs)))

 

If it helps, go back to that post where I weeded out all the things that indicate how unlikeable he is. Love isn't enough... there actually has to be a great deal of LIKE involved.

 

His response is also telling. If he really had been ready to move out and on with you, he would not have tried so hard to be so cold. You're dodging a bullet of biblical proportions and someday soon you'll look back and recoil at the thought of him.

 

I'm so proud of you! Welcome to your first day of freedom!

[Carrot2000]

Gurl, go get that EVO 4G and buy some beautiful artwork for your new home.

 

As hard as it is now, the pain won't last forever. Remember that you are not Funkdog waiting for someone to scratch you with a stick; you are a strong, kick-ass marathoner and you deserve all of the good things life has to offer!

[Upside]

Ms. 26PB

 

Over the past 1.5 years, like you and so many I was hoping to be the exception. From following your posts, our timelines are very similar,as I am in NC,and what is different for me then the other 3x's is you get to a point where you know when NC is permanent. He would tell me not to give up, we've come so far. Due to the fact children were involved,he wanted to ensure he was on amicable terms with his wife. He led me to believe their latest stint of MC was to work on their relationship-not save their marriage. I found out that was a lie. I went from being his "soulmate" to backup plan, second choice. He was not willing to give me what I was giving him. It was all about his dilemma, his struggle,him,him,him. His words were empty they were never backed up with action. it took me so long to really allow myself to see that.

What I would suggest is blocking his number. You can do this for free by logging in your cell phone providers page,account services. On my provider it's a 90 day block,and you can use up to 5 numbers. Same with email- block it. When his status quo, sex life, becomes routine again,he will be looking for an ego boost. You shut the door. His response to your closure email was him sticking his foot in the door, trying to keep you as a contingency plan,having to have the last word. It's selfish.

Silence is loud. You sound like you are done. I say this because you are accepting the situation for what it is. You are basing your decision on his actions (or lack there of) not his words. It's really that black and white.

You were patient, strong and dedicated to him. It takes strength and faith to be an OW. All of those attributes you gave to him, it is now time to give to you.

"The best feeling in the world is not falling in love. It's falling out of love with someone who never proved they loved you at all" -unknown (probably an xOW)

[BB07]

Great post upside.........and I wish healing and peace for you also.

[26pointblue]

(((BIG cyber hugs)))

 

If it helps, go back to that post where I weeded out all the things that indicate how unlikeable he is. Love isn't enough... there actually has to be a great deal of LIKE involved.

 

His response is also telling. If he really had been ready to move out and on with you, he would not have tried so hard to be so cold. You're dodging a bullet of biblical proportions and someday soon you'll look back and recoil at the thought of him.

 

I'm so proud of you! Welcome to your first day of freedom!

 

Aww thanks Fight4Me. It does help & I've also been going back & re-reading earlier posts & through my journal to remind myself of all the drama & pain & why I'm done with him. You're right, he wasn't even very likeable. :-/ Maybe I just wanted to fix him or save him.

 

I agree that if he was ready to be with me he would have said, I understand why you are doing this but in a week I will be out & you can see for yourself, or something. Something to prove he loves me enough to prove it. In the past I just kept waiting for whatever it was going to be, & now I realize it will never be, he just won't/can't do it.

 

My first day of freedom - I'll have to remember that because it feels easier to deal with if I think of it that way. I'm free of that terrible relationship! Thanks again.

[26pointblue]

Gurl, go get that EVO 4G and buy some beautiful artwork for your new home.

 

As hard as it is now, the pain won't last forever. Remember that you are not Funkdog waiting for someone to scratch you with a stick; you are a strong, kick-ass marathoner and you deserve all of the good things life has to offer!

 

Ha ha Carrot you crack me up. Thanks! I kept thinking about Funkdog & how I don't want to be him. I came close ha ha.

 

I was thinking of stenciling my walls with a powerful quote & then I found a company that makes the quotes for you & you just stick it on the wall, or something, which I think my new landlord would prefer. I keep re-reading this poem that really helps me & I also found an inspiring logo with quotes of the poem [from the original Spanish - one of the things on my 'goals/ focus on myself' list is to re-learn Spanish]. Here it is, in case it helps anyone else:

 

No te salves/Don't Save Yourself

 

by Mario Benedetti

 

Don't stay motionless by the roadside

don't freeze joy or love halfheartedly

don't save yourself

now

or ever

don't save yourself

don't become

serene

don't keep only a still corner in this world

don't let your eyelids droop heavy

like judgments

don't stay without lips

don't sleep without dreams,

imagine you're bloodless or judge yourself in haste

 

but if

after all

you can't help it

and you freeze joy

and you love halfheartedly

and you save yourself,

become serene,

keep a still corner in the world

let your eyelids drop heavy as judgements

and stay without lips

and sleep without dreams,

imagine yourself bloodless,

judge yourself in haste and

stay motionless by the side of the road

 

and you save yourself

then

don't stay with me.

 

I don't know, I've always liked the poem & lately I could really relate to it because I feel that I was staying in a little corner of my life & letting everything revolve around xMM but I know I have the potential for so much more. Now I'm going to go out there & make things happen for myself & take healthy risks, not stupid risks like loving xMM. The only thing is that the last part makes me think of xMM & how he always said that being with me is a risk but he wanted to take it because it made him happy, but instead he kept playing it safe & being cowardly. So the poem empowers me but also makes me think of him in a way so Idk know if I want anything from it on my wall. But I think even the part that makes me think of him isn't in a bad way, it's just like, well, he couldn't do what he said he wanted to do & I want to be strong & act on what I want to do, which is get over him & be happy without him.

 

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2444/4070/1600/no-te-salves40.jpg

[26pointblue]

Ms. 26PB

 

Over the past 1.5 years, like you and so many I was hoping to be the exception. From following your posts, our timelines are very similar,as I am in NC,and what is different for me then the other 3x's is you get to a point where you know when NC is permanent. He would tell me not to give up, we've come so far. Due to the fact children were involved,he wanted to ensure he was on amicable terms with his wife. He led me to believe their latest stint of MC was to work on their relationship-not save their marriage. I found out that was a lie. I went from being his "soulmate" to backup plan, second choice. He was not willing to give me what I was giving him. It was all about his dilemma, his struggle,him,him,him. His words were empty they were never backed up with action. it took me so long to really allow myself to see that.

What I would suggest is blocking his number. You can do this for free by logging in your cell phone providers page,account services. On my provider it's a 90 day block,and you can use up to 5 numbers. Same with email- block it. When his status quo, sex life, becomes routine again,he will be looking for an ego boost. You shut the door. His response to your closure email was him sticking his foot in the door, trying to keep you as a contingency plan,having to have the last word. It's selfish.

Silence is loud. You sound like you are done. I say this because you are accepting the situation for what it is. You are basing your decision on his actions (or lack there of) not his words. It's really that black and white.

You were patient, strong and dedicated to him. It takes strength and faith to be an OW. All of those attributes you gave to him, it is now time to give to you.

"The best feeling in the world is not falling in love. It's falling out of love with someone who never proved they loved you at all" -unknown (probably an xOW)

 

Thank you for the helpful tips. I know what you mean about it being for good this time & having to fall out of love with him since he didn't prove he loved me. I will block him in all ways possible because I do have a feeling he'll be back. Every time he has come back & I think this time he is kind of relieved to have a resolution & have me go away so that he doesn't have to do the dirty work, but like you say when he gets bored or misses me he will probably be back. And I just don't want to be tempted. I seriously thought about moving across the country to where my family lives & starting my life over without him. I would do it if it weren't for my career & I may still do it if I can figure out how to start over in my career from there, but I don't want to make any rash decisions & I feel it'll take me quite awhile to figure out what I even want to do with myself. So I need to just block him from my current life. I had tried to block him using my cell provider online but it kept not working. So when I go to store to get my Android I'll ask them if they can do it from there or what I have to do. I'll block his number from calling & texting, I won't have BBM anymore which is how we mainly communicated after his wife re-re-found out about us & blocked my number [i feel really stupid that I kept talking to him for awhile after that- just on his terms so she wouldn't see- but at least I stopped], I'll block him on my work & personal emails. The only thing I can't block him from is my office number so I am just going to have to be diligent about screening my calls. Thanks for the tips & I am glad you are coming along in your healing process.

[26pointblue]

26 Pointblue,

 

from what I can make of you by reading your posts, you are a very intelligent, wise, compassionate and kind person who deserves a heck of a lot more than you were getting.

 

Hopefully things will get easier for you in time and you will soon be able to go out there and get it!

 

Aww thank you Frozensprouts. It's so nice to get such compliments because I really don't feel like any of those things right now. Hopefully I will soon!

[FieldFlower]

26blue,

 

I've been a long time lurker, and I have followed your story, and have really felt the profound sadness and hurt that has been your life. Just know that out there in the world, there is another women who shares your pain, and will be crying right along with you this weekend. I hope that you are good to yourself, and find a way to move past this, and learn from it. I keeping telling myself the same thing, everything happens for a reason and there has to be something good to come out of it, just wish it will hurry up and reveal itself to me. I guess I'm fortunate that my imbecillic episode was a EA, and never went physical. My brain and heart duke this out daily, and I'm stuck having to work with him, so I can't not see him. He is always doing something to either let me know that he is still interested, or something passive agressive to show he's still pissed I walked away. I don't know how I can do the right thing and yet feel so awful. To add insult to injury someone that I thought was a friend, someone that I have done so much to help out, seems to be making herself available for his attention, I don't even know if he's obliging, but to say I feel betrayed is an understatement. I don't know if I'm going to get through this without literally slapping someones face off...you give me hope.

 

Carrot- Funkdog, oh man who said laughter through tears is the best medicine? I really needed that snotty sobbing laugh...it felt good.

[jwi71]

26,

 

Now that you have your closure...you've blocked him right?

phone numbers, email, IM...all of it?

 

You aren't leaving those doors open are you?

 

I know, in prior convos, you have said there is no point but you're wrong, there is. And maybe its largely symbolic but try it. IT would also make it more difficult and send him a message should he try your cell and get "This number has been blocked".

 

Go for it...get that blocking done now that there is nothing else to say.

 

If not, why not?

[Flabbergaster]

Oh blue, I'm so sad for the hurt you feel. Keep doing everything you can to let go of that last hope. Hope is insidious, it is such a terrible destructive force. We know we shouldn't be sad, we know we shouldn't keep hoping...and yet we do.

 

His sms tells me that he is trying to let you go, while letting you know that he hurts as well. His vm about leaving (and then not) tells me that he is very confused and in a lot of pain...which means he's going to flail around selfishly and inadvertently hurt you if you are nearby. So yes, you need to change as many things as possible to prevent him from finding you easily in the future. If he isn't as strong as you are, he'll reach out and it will hurt you.

 

I wish I could tell you how to finish this last bit. Heck i don't know myself. Keep running away from this until you forget what you are running from. Somewhere between here and there you'll be recovered. How do you cross a desert? You start walking...and you keep walking until you're across it.

[spice4life]

I did it. I said goodbye to xMM for good, & meant it. Last evening I was getting ready to go out with my best friend & I had this strange feeling of peace & calmness & knowing that even though I didn't feel totally ready to get over him, I had to make myself. I had this thought that I wanted to put the idea of him to rest for good so that I could really start moving on [again. I was there but then I had a big set back when he left the vm that he was going to be moving out.]

 

I took BB07's advice & sent him one last message because that was my closure to myself. I have always looked for answers & decisions from him & never get them so I just wanted to decide that I was done with him no matter what he does or says. That I would send him a final forever goodbye & then never talk to him again no matter what, really try to stop waiting around seeing if he was going to contact me or follow through on his words etc.

 

So using inspiration from BB07 I sent him this message:

 

I hope you have a good life. I just can't be any part of it anymore. Goodbye.

 

Now I'm kind of regretting it [?] because this morning he sent me back:

 

I hope you have a wonderful life [My name]. I do. I know that you can't be with me now. It's so sad. Goodbye. I will miss you.

 

I know in my head that this is a good way to finally end things even though I've had these grand delusions of, well if we have to end for good then we will have one last nice special night together, or a long hug or conversation etc. [The funny thing is that we have done all of that, only to eventually wind up back together again.] But getting that message just felt like a knife through my heart & it makes me so very sad. I had spent the night at my friend's last night & I just felt really lonely. Then this morning I woke up to that message & pretty much lost it. I was crying hard in my car on the way home & then when I went to the gas station to get some coffee I was just wandering around like a crying zombie or mental institution patient. [i kind of feel like I should be one!]

 

I feel good that today is Day 1 of getting over him. This feels even harder than when I went NC. I think because it actually feels real for the first time ever . . . I always had a feeling we weren't really over, because I was waiting around to see what he would do & I knew that I would take him back if possible, & now I have the feeling that we are, because it was my choice & I just don't want to be with him anymore no matter what, I want to move on from this. I know I can get into a good place- last time I was feeling so strong & even happy before I went back to thinking about him & pretty much basing all my emotions & hopes on what he was going to do. I know/hope I will feel that way soon but right now I'm just a mess. I feel so sad & lonely & heartbroken even though this was my decision. Except really it wasn't, it's just what I had to do because I was tired of hanging on & hoping when I knew it wasn't going to work out. I am just so sad.

 

I understand where you are coming from completely, BUT, if you are serious about moving on then NC means NC. Any urge to send one last note or goodbye message is just an attempt to alleviate the pull the addiction is causing you. I'm not trying to sound harsh, I just want to point out that any contact once you are NC is nothing more than a rationalization to contact him. REMEMBER this - NC = NO NEW HURTS...hurts just like the one you just experienced. The truth is, he cannot bring you closure, only you can. He made a choice and now it's up to you to choose where you want to take your life. Any contact with him now is only going to boost his ego because it will let him know you are still in love with him and pining for him. Don't give him that satisfaction...he made his choices and now you're gone. Silence speaks louder than anything else and it gives YOU back your power.

 

So, again, if you are truly serious about moving on, then picture yourself putting your hand into a red hot flame when an urge like this strikes you again. That is precisely what you are doing (metaphorically speaking) when you contact him after going NC. I've read your story and it appears this guy has some serious emotional issues and as a result, does not have the capacity to think beyond himself. His actions will always be motivated by his own selfish needs and wants without regard for the pain he is causing others. He is self centered and isn't likely to change if he has an emotional disorder.

 

However, I do realize that one cannot truly go NC until they are ready and can feel it in their bones. Be rest assured, he will contact you again because he won't be able to help himself...just remember, the motivation behind his actions are coming from a self centered place. The question is, what are you going to do to protect yourself when this happens again? Are you going to totally block and walk so you don't have see his attempts to contact you to protect your right to heal?

 

This is my two cents based on what I have read and learned myself. So, even if you are not mentally ready to do what you really need to do, then save this advice for when you really are. You will know it when it happens. This I can gaurantee. Good luck and best wishes on your journey.