Well . . .

[spice4life]

Oh blue, I'm so sad for the hurt you feel. Keep doing everything you can to let go of that last hope. Hope is insidious, it is such a terrible destructive force. We know we shouldn't be sad, we know we shouldn't keep hoping...and yet we do.

 

His sms tells me that he is trying to let you go, while letting you know that he hurts as well. His vm about leaving (and then not) tells me that he is very confused and in a lot of pain...which means he's going to flail around selfishly and inadvertently hurt you if you are nearby. So yes, you need to change as many things as possible to prevent him from finding you easily in the future. If he isn't as strong as you are, he'll reach out and it will hurt you.

 

I wish I could tell you how to finish this last bit. Heck i don't know myself. Keep running away from this until you forget what you are running from. Somewhere between here and there you'll be recovered. How do you cross a desert? You start walking...and you keep walking until you're across it.

 

Flabbergaster, I have been reading your posts and they are always stocked with a ton of wisdom. The advice you gave, quoted above, is the best I've seen reading these forums.

 

26pointblue, this is excellent advice here.

[jeweleestar]

Aww thanks Fight4Me. It does help & I've also been going back & re-reading earlier posts & through my journal to remind myself of all the drama & pain & why I'm done with him. You're right, he wasn't even very likeable. :-/ Maybe I just wanted to fix him or save him.

 

I agree that if he was ready to be with me he would have said, I understand why you are doing this but in a week I will be out & you can see for yourself, or something. Something to prove he loves me enough to prove it. In the past I just kept waiting for whatever it was going to be, & now I realize it will never be, he just won't/can't do it.

 

My first day of freedom - I'll have to remember that because it feels easier to deal with if I think of it that way. I'm free of that terrible relationship! Thanks again.

 

26PB,

 

I am about a week ahead of you, and feel your pain. Like you, I needed to have some sort of closure message that I sent. In my case he didn't respond, but he was running "cold" in our hot/cold relationship. I think when he dropped me this time, I got mad and frustrated, FINALLY, at how it made me feel.

 

Your comment that I bolded is one of the things I realize that I need to work on. I naturally want to fix and nurture and realize that I have several past relationships where I was wanting to help or fix or whatever. I am trying to learn that I can still be nurturing, but it isn't my job to fix them. They have to fix themselves.

 

I have surrounded myself with friends and activities, but didn't really tell them why I was want a lot of social interactions, just that I wanted to be social. I am still pretty embarrased about the situation and not proud of what I did.

 

I wish you continued success. Sadly we are in the same boat. Too bad it isn't a luxury cruise liner! I'm here if you need someone.

[HappinessSeeker]

Hi 26,

 

I have always read the boards, but never thought I was in a position to give anyone advice. Reading your post though stirred something in me because I feel like I'm going through the same thing.

I just posted an update of my 2months without seeing him, but he still contacts me via email and text. I thought there was no harm in that as long as I didn't see him, but the responses I got, plus the posts that I have read here has me rethinking the whole situation.

I'm not here to offer you advice, but know that I am over here rooting for your new beginning and praying for your happy ending with someone who will love you and only you. Best of Luck!

[26pointblue]

Thank you everyone for the posts. I'm so glad we can support each other here.

 

Jwi- yes, believe or not, I have blocked him. I checked with my phone provider about getting an Android but my contract isn't up yet so I can't yet. Boo. But I asked about blocking a number & they said to tell them the number & they will block all calls & messages -- so I did. The funny thing is they told me I wouldn't be able to call or text that number either, & I was like okay good!

 

Spice- I understand what you're saying & I know I broke my NC but I don't care because I needed to. I don't know how to explain it. When I went NC with him at first it was still out of hope, maybe a bit of manipulation, Idk- I was still hoping to change him, make him see the light, hoping he'd take action, etc. I was going to work on myself without him but all the while hoping we'd end up together. I kept waiting on him to provide me w/ my answers & closures. Well when he kept calling & emailing me I realized that I cannot depend on him for my resolution because he's all over the place & still so confused. I had to give myself my answer. So my goodbye to him was my way of giving myself my own closure- I am done with him, I am putting the relationship in my past & moving on. I didn't feel ready to do it until I did it, I made myself do it if that makes sense, but now I feel very ready to do it even though it's hard. I have blocked him, I will delete any attempts he makes to contact me some other way without reading/listening to them, I will not respond to him no matter what, & no matter what he says or does, I'm done. So yeah I told him my goodbye but I wanted to end it for good on my own terms, in the best way possible even though I have feelings of hurt, sadness & anger etc., I wanted to look back & say, I gave it my all & when I realized I couldn't do that anymore, I walked away gracefully & let him know I was done but that I wished him well.

 

I really needed to do that. I'm not so hot about his response- I'm still kinda annoyed that he said 'I know you can't be with me now'- as if he was putting it on me, which he always liked to do, but, Idk, I'm telling myself like Flabbergaster & some others have said that it was his way of trying to let me go but let me know he still cared. So I will look at it as a positive thing & start moving on. Day 1 & tomorrow is Day 2 & I will just keep counting the days until one day hopefully I am over it.

 

Happiness- That's interesting that we're in the same situation & I really think the people here know what they're talking about so I'm glad you have gotten help here like I did too. Good luck.

 

Flabbergaster- thank you for the MM perspective. It kind of saddens me that it's still so hard for you because i want to be able to get over it, but, I do realize it takes time.

 

FieldFlower- I would hate having to work with him, I would switch jobs! I am already switches places to live because this one reminds me of him. He & I were everywhere in this house & I want a space that's all mine & free from even his memory or former presence. So I bet you are going insane working with him & I wish you strength! Thank you for sharing, I can relate to what you say.

 

Jewel- let's head up an xOW cruise!! That sounds great. I know what you mean about not being able to share much with your friends IRL. I had some friends who know about him-even hung out with us & know him pretty well-but I have even stopped saying much to them because I feel like a stupid broken record, like they'd never take me seriously that I'm done with him, & I don't want to annoy them. And really some of their advice was to 'use him' like he's using me- they like that he would pay for our drinks & stuff. Honestly that didn't help at all, I am incapable of doing that & don't want to & that would just drag me down & make me feel even worse about myself. So I figured they don't understand & I just pretty much stopped talking to them about him except for my sister who is my one true supporter outside of LS- she knows the whole situation & exactly where I'm coming from & all she ever tells me is to run run run away from him & stay away from him- which is what i need to hear. Good luck Jewel I wish you the best.

 

I just went to the gym with my friend & that felt good. Now I'm going to take one of my dogs for a jog & then make some dinner & watch a movie with my other dog who is sick. I am actually enjoying worrying just about me - I was thinking how in the past I'd be having anxious thoughts of whether or not xMM would be able to see me, & when, & planning my schedule around him & being disappointed if he couldn't see me etc. I am so done with that. No more!!! It does feel good. Thanks everyone.

[fooled once]

So many great posts!

 

Yessss.......... it looks like his final message had the desired effect. Do you see that? Do you see how you were ok, but getting his message was like a 'knife through the heart'. Pretty manipulative wouldn't you say?

 

You're doing very well not replying and doing the practical things like getting a new phone and seeing it as a fresh start. You strike me as very perceptive and self-aware.

 

Well done for looking after yourself, for being wise and for taking such a hard step. It'll pay off.

 

It's final. It's really over and he confirmed it by saying goodbye back.

 

As painful as this is, your true grieving can now begin so you can start to heal.

 

This is the first day of your "new" life without him, for real this time. In afew weeks/months you'll feel a weight lifted off of you and you'll be relieved no more rollercoaster ride of emotions.

 

I promise there will come a day when you won't miss him and you won't still love him. You will accept that it's for the best that it didn't work out and you are off the merry go round. It can happen.....as I'm proof. 26 point......I'm not perfect and I've got issues that I need to work through myself, residual stuff from my childhood, residual issues from my relationship with xmm and other stuff that has had a cumulative affect and next week I start my journey to finding peace of mind (therapy), but the above part of my post that I bolded is 100% true.

 

Take a listen to

 

26,

 

Now that you have your closure...you've blocked him right?

phone numbers, email, IM...all of it?

 

You aren't leaving those doors open are you?

 

I know, in prior convos, you have said there is no point but you're wrong, there is. And maybe its largely symbolic but try it. IT would also make it more difficult and send him a message should he try your cell and get "This number has been blocked".

 

Go for it...get that blocking done now that there is nothing else to say.

 

If not, why not?

 

I understand where you are coming from completely, BUT, if you are serious about moving on then NC means NC. Any urge to send one last note or goodbye message is just an attempt to alleviate the pull the addiction is causing you. I'm not trying to sound harsh, I just want to point out that any contact once you are NC is nothing more than a rationalization to contact him. REMEMBER this - NC = NO NEW HURTS...hurts just like the one you just experienced. The truth is, he cannot bring you closure, only you can. He made a choice and now it's up to you to choose where you want to take your life. Any contact with him now is only going to boost his ego because it will let him know you are still in love with him and pining for him. Don't give him that satisfaction...he made his choices and now you're gone. Silence speaks louder than anything else and it gives YOU back your power.

 

So, again, if you are truly serious about moving on, then picture yourself putting your hand into a red hot flame when an urge like this strikes you again. That is precisely what you are doing (metaphorically speaking) when you contact him after going NC. I've read your story and it appears this guy has some serious emotional issues and as a result, does not have the capacity to think beyond himself. His actions will always be motivated by his own selfish needs and wants without regard for the pain he is causing others. He is self centered and isn't likely to change if he has an emotional disorder.

 

However, I do realize that one cannot truly go NC until they are ready and can feel it in their bones. Be rest assured, he will contact you again because he won't be able to help himself...just remember, the motivation behind his actions are coming from a self centered place. The question is, what are you going to do to protect yourself when this happens again? Are you going to totally block and walk so you don't have see his attempts to contact you to protect your right to heal?

 

This is my two cents based on what I have read and learned myself. So, even if you are not mentally ready to do what you really need to do, then save this advice for when you really are. You will know it when it happens. This I can gaurantee. Good luck and best wishes on your journey.

 

When you are down 26, re-read these! They are powerful and insightful.

 

Also, this post is about YOU; not anyone else's story or hopeful dream. This is about you. Focus on YOU.

 

I found his email to be confirming he isn't ready or can't be with you. It showed me that he is not going anywhere. Even if he was leaving, he isn't ready to be with you. No person should go from one woman to another without taking a much needed break and counseling to work on himself. When a man does that, it shows he just needs a willing and warm body because he has no idea how to be alone. It means to me that it could be anyone, as long as he doesn't have to be alone.

 

26, you are doing great. I hope you don't feel the need to reach out to him again, to say goodbye. It is only hurting you and keeping you locked in the past.

[Flabbergaster]

I'm not so hot about his response- I'm still kinda annoyed that he said 'I know you can't be with me now'- as if he was putting it on me,

I wouldn't see those words as him challenging you or trying to manipulate you. reading them...I can see how they could EASILY be interpreted as manipulative. My interpretation, you should be hearinghim say "I understand why you need to do this, why you can't accept the poor terms I have to offer." It's either the truth...or it's better than the truth.

 

Flabbergaster- thank you for the MM perspective. It kind of saddens me that it's still so hard for you because i want to be able to get over it, but, I do realize it takes time.

I've been awol for a while, after our conversation about maybe being here to 'hang on.' Had to post when I saw you had a thread.

 

Dont be sad or worried, it's not as bad as it sounds for me. It's still painful at times, but it is so much better than it was. I can tell you that you are on the right path, if you are embracing that the R is truly over and cannot blossom again. I think the faster you can truly give up on hope that things will be different, the faster you can recover. Some of us (raise hand) have the problem that we are not making ourselves give up all hope. I'm either there, or mostly there.

I'm past 10 weeks NC, on top of 6 months LC. Daily basis, I can push it away and not let it hurt me so badly. The bad flareups of pain normally don't last more than a day. I went a week and a half with almost no pain at all.

It takes time. It truly is a grieving process. How long depends on...how easily you can truly let go of that hope.

Change any contact info(email address, phone number, new apartment, etc) that you can, block his contact info any way that you can. Don't read or listen to anything that slips by, from him.

 

I'm so HAPPY that you are at this phase, this is a big step. You're going to be fine...even if it takes time.

[26pointblue]

I wouldn't see those words as him challenging you or trying to manipulate you. reading them...I can see how they could EASILY be interpreted as manipulative. My interpretation, you should be hearinghim say "I understand why you need to do this, why you can't accept the poor terms I have to offer." It's either the truth...or it's better than the truth.

 

 

I've been awol for a while, after our conversation about maybe being here to 'hang on.' Had to post when I saw you had a thread.

 

Dont be sad or worried, it's not as bad as it sounds for me. It's still painful at times, but it is so much better than it was. I can tell you that you are on the right path, if you are embracing that the R is truly over and cannot blossom again. I think the faster you can truly give up on hope that things will be different, the faster you can recover. Some of us (raise hand) have the problem that we are not making ourselves give up all hope. I'm either there, or mostly there.

I'm past 10 weeks NC, on top of 6 months LC. Daily basis, I can push it away and not let it hurt me so badly. The bad flareups of pain normally don't last more than a day. I went a week and a half with almost no pain at all.

It takes time. It truly is a grieving process. How long depends on...how easily you can truly let go of that hope.

Change any contact info(email address, phone number, new apartment, etc) that you can, block his contact info any way that you can. Don't read or listen to anything that slips by, from him.

 

I'm so HAPPY that you are at this phase, this is a big step. You're going to be fine...even if it takes time.

 

Flabber,

 

At times I think he is just so selfish that he either purposefully or unintentionally or maybe sometimes both uses me & manipulates me, & then at other times I think he really does care about me & knows I deserve better. I suppose it's a bit of both. And I really don't know which one saddens me & confuses me more!

 

I'm glad that on a daily basis you're doing much better. Thank you for the encouragement & I wish you well.

[26pointblue]

So many great posts!

 

When you are down 26, re-read these! They are powerful and insightful.

 

Also, this post is about YOU; not anyone else's story or hopeful dream. This is about you. Focus on YOU.

 

I found his email to be confirming he isn't ready or can't be with you. It showed me that he is not going anywhere. Even if he was leaving, he isn't ready to be with you. No person should go from one woman to another without taking a much needed break and counseling to work on himself. When a man does that, it shows he just needs a willing and warm body because he has no idea how to be alone. It means to me that it could be anyone, as long as he doesn't have to be alone.

 

26, you are doing great. I hope you don't feel the need to reach out to him again, to say goodbye. It is only hurting you and keeping you locked in the past.

 

Yeah, I think that either he isn't leaving, or he's leaving because his wife is kicking him out again and/or giving him an ultimatum that if he is still in contact with me by that date then she is done. Towards the end I could tell he was very torn between doing everything she wanted so that he could stay with her, & trying to do what I wanted so he could stay with me. Really he was doing neither & the cycle just continued.

 

I do know for sure that he is very afraid of being alone & would hate that. I agree he needs a willing person to be around him because he doesn't know what he really wants or what he's doing. I do also think he loved me although it wasn't the right way or enough.

 

I'm not going to say goodbye to him again. I want those to be the last words I ever say to him. I am really sad about letting go of him but I know that I have to.

 

Thanks.

[FieldFlower]

26Blue, it's Day 2, hope the sun is shining and the birds are singing where you are. Hope you do something nice for yourself today, don't know if your a mum or not, but if so have a Wonderful Mothers Day. I'm going to embrace how utterly blessed I am today, that there are these little lives in my life that make me the luckiest gal in the world. Good luck, and keep strong, you are so worth it. Women are strong, women are smart, and women deserve men who love them openly, honestly, and exclusively.

 

I'm inspired by you, and your thread is truly going to make a difference in my life too. Flabbergasted posted something to you, that is the very reason I have been stuck.

FG, thank you, it never occurred to me that false hope is exactly what has kept me stuck, and unable to let go. Geez, I can finally quit hitting myself in the head with that ole hammer.

 

(((((26Blue)))))

[26pointblue]

26Blue, it's Day 2, hope the sun is shining and the birds are singing where you are. Hope you do something nice for yourself today, don't know if your a mum or not, but if so have a Wonderful Mothers Day. I'm going to embrace how utterly blessed I am today, that there are these little lives in my life that make me the luckiest gal in the world. Good luck, and keep strong, you are so worth it. Women are strong, women are smart, and women deserve men who love them openly, honestly, and exclusively.

 

I'm inspired by you, and your thread is truly going to make a difference in my life too. Flabbergasted posted something to you, that is the very reason I have been stuck.

FG, thank you, it never occurred to me that false hope is exactly what has kept me stuck, and unable to let go. Geez, I can finally quit hitting myself in the head with that ole hammer.

 

(((((26Blue)))))

 

I'm glad I could inspire you FieldFlower. :-) At least there is some good to come out of this pain. Happy Mother's Day! :-) I don't have kids but I am Mom to three pets & I plan to spend extra special time with them today. :-) On kind of a related side note, one of my dogs was recently hit by a car when I was out of town, & is recovering from pelvis surgery. This has been a trying time because there's a lot I have to do to nurse her back to health- meds, physical therapy exercises & massages/stretching three times a day & electromagnetic therapy half an hour a day, at one point a cathedar & now 'walking' her outside to go potty every four hours, & at some points I have felt so lonely & really missed having xMM around to help. I really think this is one of the reasons I was filled with so much hope at first about his vm & was wanting us to get back together - it would just feel so nice to have him around to support me during this time. At the same time, it's made me realize he wasn't a true 'partner' because even if he could set aside some time to come over & help, it would just be bits & pieces, not a full-time kidn of help. And then I realized that all I have & need is me, & all my dog has & needs is me, so I should stop feeling sorry for myself or wishing I was still with xMM.

[26pointblue]

I like how you're taking physical, actual steps to heal. Going to the gym is great therapy, those endorphins are fantastic! I think taking responsibility for ones own happiness is extremely difficult at times when one feels lost and alone, when you're going through a period of stress, but its the best way to work through it.

 

Got any other plans on how to look out for yourself? Massages? Pedicures?

 

Maybe in a little while you might think about some kind of self-discovery to examine why you were attracted to a MM? Or at least that type of man.

 

Hi Turnstone. Going to the gym & running does help a lot & keeps my focus on something concrete instead of xMM. I'm training for a marathon so that I can set & accomplish certain goals.

 

I've also been re-connecting with friends, trying to really work hard at work & de-cluttering my house in preparation to move into a smaller apartment [so I can continue to save up money to perhaps go into business for myself in maybe a year or two. This is a recent idea I had when I first went NC & started focusing more on myself & what I really wanted to do with my own life.] Today I'm going to a new 'church' for the first time- I don't believe/practice any traditional religion but I feel I need a community of people to support me in living by my values, & another LS member recommended a Unitarian Universalist church for people like me. So I'm going to check it out & I was also thinking of joining a local running group. I just feel I need to strengthen my support system & have people to hang out with & concentrate on my own interests & what makes me happy. My whole family lives very far away & so I often feel very lonely & isolated.

 

On that note, I'm sure there are reasons I was attracted to an MM but I know I was attracted to this particular MM because he made me feel good about myself - he understood me & 'got' me & whenever I was with him I never felt alone or isolated. He is also very senior than me in our career & he helped me with that & I think I idolized him in some ways & wanted to be like him. Now I'm starting to find my own way in my career a bit better & i realize I am not & don't want to be like him in it. But I think at the time I was just lost & unsure of myself & he helped either distract me from dealing with my issues or he made me feel better about them, or both. I don't know why I couldn't have at least found a single guy to fill that role; I guess most people in MM's position have been married for a long time, or maybe it's just how it happened- I can't say I was 'looking' to be with an MM but at the same time the fact that he was married obviously wasn't enough to stop me from letting it fo further & further.

 

I've actually seen a couple different counselors since the first time I broke up with him which was early on, & I finally found one that has helped me a lot, although sadly she's moving to a different city soon. :-( Sometimes I think, wow, it took me forever to get to this point, maybe counseling isn't working, but then I realize I probably would never have gotten this far without counseling. The strange thing is that my counselor & I don't even talk about xMM much- I suppose I have been resistent to doing that even though I blab about him non-stop on LS - but we have worked a lot on other issues such as self-esteem & my upbringing & beliefs & career & family etc. I think the biggest thing that counseling has helped me with is seeing that I didn't believe in myself. I looked to other people when I should have been looking within. So overall I feel it has helped me tremendously in all areas of my life but with regarding to xMM I suppose I should spend more time dealing with how & why I let that happen & what in particular about an MM was attractive to me, if that is a component of it.

 

Thanks Turnstone, have a good day.

[Owl]

26PB, all I can say is that you're doing the right things, and moving in the right directions!

 

No advice need be given at this point...simply support to help you move on and heal from here on out.

 

Rock on, my friend.

 

My only suggestion now is that you take time to grieve, to heal...and to spoil yourself a bit. Start exploring something fun and different to help occupy your mind. Pick up an old hobby that you'd gotten away from, or start a new one that you'd considered interesting. You've already started some counseling, and started working out...you're on the move and mend!

[BB07]

Just wanted to send you a hug 26point and tell you that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are having a good day!

[Jane Deaux]

Also just wanted to send thoughts and hugs. Thinking of you on day 2. I know it's hard and painful. When you are struggling with the moments, hours or days of doubting yourself, your strength, or your decision remember that you will get through it. Any doubts you may have will pass and they will pass a little quicker each time. Living in the here and now without worrying about mm's motivation is the first sign of real healing. And getting over him. Even through the pain.

Feeling the pain after receiving his goodbye was also a form of healing. It hurt because you got a goodbye and not a request for more time or something of that sort. In essence he was saying he wasn't going to try to keep you anymore and by default was also going to move on. I would dread that message because of the pain I know it would bring. Not to say that the pain won't come and go. It will, but feeling that initial heart wrenching pains means that you have realized the truth of it really being over, and it hurts. But it's the first real step in moving on.

So I'm sending hugs your way today!

((((((((((26))))))))))))

[26pointblue]

Ahha, you've seen a counsellor already! I should've known, you're obviously a wise lady who'd have sought that out before now.

 

Its kinda funny (in a cute way) reading your paragraph about why you were interested in him and then reading the next paragraph about why you were actually interested in him

 

Yeah well I'm not that wise because even though I've been seeing the counselor for quite some time, I've just now finally decided to get over him for good.

 

 

Not quite sure I know what you mean about the different paragraphs. Do you mean in the first paragraph I think I was attracted to him because of my career & in the second paragraph I say it was that I didn't believe in myself enough & looked to him instead of to me?

 

I guess what I'm trying to figure out, & what I'll ask my counselor tomorrow, is why a married man? I could see myself having low standards in men or not picking men who are right for me or on equal footing etc., or staying stuck in an unfulfilling relationship [sadly I have done all of that before too...], but what if anything caused me to do all of that with someone who is married? I do think I have issues surrounding the marriage part as well as just the fact that I could do better in general.

[26pointblue]

Thanks everyone for the support. I just got some bad news about my dog who has been recoving from surgery & I feel so depressed. The good thing is that usually I would reach out to xMM even if we were in NC because I needed support/distraction. This time I'm not doing it, I will just be alone with her.

[26pointblue]

Tonight I went out with a friend for her birthday. This friend doesn't even know about xMM. I was feeling strong & good, like I don't need him & I'm glad to be rid of him. I went to my car & there was a note that said 'your garage door opener is on ur gate. Bye.' It was written on the back of xMM's business card!!!!!

 

The worst thing is not that he gave me back my garage door opener weeks ago when I demanded it when I first went NC with him. The worst thing is that the handwriting is not his - it looks likes a woman's. It's bubblier than his & it has a girly-looking smiley face & he doesn't write the non-word 'ur.'

 

Idk which would be worse. If it were his handwriting & he could really write me such dribel & include a smiley face, or if it was a woman's . . . but I know for 100% sure that the writing is not his. I'm wondering if it could be his wife's, which I think is really ironic since she begged me to leave him alone [which I was already doing at the time & have since been doing] . . . so why would she help him stalk me like that?!

 

I am so mad. Not only can he not man up to his choices & just tell me he's staying married but he has to let my heart bleed out until I get the point & leave him, & then he has to leave his card & a note on my car after I've left?! WTF.

 

I am so tempted to write him an email telling him to LEAVE ME ALONE & copy his wife. I am so sick of it. I really just want to move on but now I am a total mess because how could he do this to me? Not just rip out my heart slowly & cowardly but also stomp on it with the stupidity of leaving me a note with a smiley face when I am in such pain?

 

Wow.

[Carrot2000]

His daughter probably wrote it. The bubbly writing, smiley, and the use of "ur" makes me think it was a younger female.

 

Don't bother emailing him; it just fuels the fire. Hopefully, this is the last interaction you will have with him and his family.

[Breezy Trousers]

 

On that note, I'm sure there are reasons I was attracted to an MM but I know I was attracted to this particular MM because he made me feel good about myself - he understood me & 'got' me & whenever I was with him I never felt alone or isolated. He is also very senior than me in our career & he helped me with that & I think I idolized him in some ways & wanted to be like him. Now I'm starting to find my own way in my career a bit better & i realize I am not & don't want to be like him in it. But I think at the time I was just lost & unsure of myself & he helped either distract me from dealing with my issues or he made me feel better about them, or both. I don't know why I couldn't have at least found a single guy to fill that role; I guess most people in MM's position have been married for a long time, or maybe it's just how it happened- I can't say I was 'looking' to be with an MM but at the same time the fact that he was married obviously wasn't enough to stop me from letting it fo further & further.

 

Boy, I could relate to all of this. I was flattered by the intense attention of a powerful man at my workplace and, like you, felt lost and totally unsure of myself at the time his attention began. I think this vulnerability is appealing to MM in the workplace because they get to play "hero" and enjoy our idealization of them. Like you, as I slowly found my strength, MM slowly began losing his appeal. I saw him more clearly and didn't like what I saw.

 

I seriously doubt anyone puts "affair partner" on their aspiration list anymore than people put "alcoholic" or "divorced mother raising three children on her own" on their aspiration list. Life has a sad way of surprising us. In fact, I think many of us here were surprised to be one of "those" people tempted by an affair, because it didn't match our self-perception or our past history.

 

And --

 

I agree with Carrot's post.

[26pointblue]

His daughter probably wrote it. The bubbly writing, smiley, and the use of "ur" makes me think it was a younger female.

 

Don't bother emailing him; it just fuels the fire. Hopefully, this is the last interaction you will have with him and his family.

 

I don't think it was his daughter- my car was parked in front of a bar - I was in a restaurant/bar down the street & he must have been at the bar I was parked in front of.

 

I am still so upset about it. I mean if he is going to say anything to me I don't know why it would be that, & that damn smiley face.

[26pointblue]

Boy, I could relate to all of this. I was flattered by the intense attention of a powerful man at my workplace and, like you, felt lost and totally unsure of myself at the time his attention began. I think this vulnerability is appealing to MM in the workplace because they get to play "hero" and enjoy our idealization of them. Like you, as I slowly found my strength, MM slowly began losing his appeal. I saw him more clearly and didn't like what I saw.

 

I seriously doubt anyone puts "affair partner" on their aspiration list anymore than people put "alcoholic" or "divorced mother raising three children on her own" on their aspiration list. Life has a sad way of surprising us. In fact, I think many of us here were surprised to be one of "those" people tempted by an affair, because it didn't match our self-perception or our past history.

 

And --

 

I agree with Carrot's post.

 

Yeah, I just hope I can learn from my mistakes & stay strong so I'm not vulnerable like that anymore. I do think he felt an ego boost having me look up to him in the career & wanting to learn from him. I guess that's natural but we definitely took it too far.

[So Very Confused]

I am so tempted to write him an email telling him to LEAVE ME ALONE & copy his wife. I am so sick of it. I really just want to move on but now I am a total mess because how could he do this to me? Not just rip out my heart slowly & cowardly but also stomp on it with the stupidity of leaving me a note with a smiley face when I am in such pain?

 

Don't send the email. You've come this far with NC, so stick with it. Do you think it's possible that he left the card and silly smiley face just to provoke you into responding?

 

You're not a total mess. You're putting forth a lot of effort to stay true to yourself and your decision. You might feel like a mess right now but it's only momentary.

 

Take a deep breath and don't let this incident set you back.

[26pointblue]

Don't send the email. You've come this far with NC, so stick with it. Do you think it's possible that he left the card and silly smiley face just to provoke you into responding?

 

You're not a total mess. You're putting forth a lot of effort to stay true to yourself and your decision. You might feel like a mess right now but it's only momentary.

 

Take a deep breath and don't let this incident set you back.

 

Yes, I think that's exactly why he did it.

 

Thank you for the encouragment & kind words.

[MorningCoffee]

Do you think it's possible that he left the card and silly smiley face just to provoke you into responding?

Yes, I think that's exactly why he did it.

 

Then, IMHO, your most eloquent response is silence.

[fooled once]

Tonight I went out with a friend for her birthday. This friend doesn't even know about xMM. I was feeling strong & good, like I don't need him & I'm glad to be rid of him. I went to my car & there was a note that said 'your garage door opener is on ur gate. Bye.' It was written on the back of xMM's business card!!!!!

 

The worst thing is not that he gave me back my garage door opener weeks ago when I demanded it when I first went NC with him. The worst thing is that the handwriting is not his - it looks likes a woman's. It's bubblier than his & it has a girly-looking smiley face & he doesn't write the non-word 'ur.'

 

Idk which would be worse. If it were his handwriting & he could really write me such dribel & include a smiley face, or if it was a woman's . . . but I know for 100% sure that the writing is not his. I'm wondering if it could be his wife's, which I think is really ironic since she begged me to leave him alone [which I was already doing at the time & have since been doing] . . . so why would she help him stalk me like that?!

 

I am so mad. Not only can he not man up to his choices & just tell me he's staying married but he has to let my heart bleed out until I get the point & leave him, & then he has to leave his card & a note on my car after I've left?! WTF.

 

I am so tempted to write him an email telling him to LEAVE ME ALONE & copy his wife. I am so sick of it. I really just want to move on but now I am a total mess because how could he do this to me? Not just rip out my heart slowly & cowardly but also stomp on it with the stupidity of leaving me a note with a smiley face when I am in such pain?

 

Wow.

Don't you dare respond

 

His wife very well may have written it. At this point, don't let that get to you.

 

Just remember you have your garage door opener now and you can truly shut the door on the past.

 

He is so pathetic and manipulative. Good riddance to rubbish! Move forward my friend. So much is waiting for you --- grab it and go for the ride!