Rayn Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 hello, i don't know exactly where to start.. my bf and i have been together for the past two years.. and those years have helped me work through my issues with trust and sexual intimacy.. because when i was fourteen, i was raped. i never thought that i would be able to be a sexual being or ever enjoy being touched or caressed by a man .. but my guy made that happen. the thing is, he said something to me the other day that blew the bottom out of my world.. i am confused and hurting because of the cut he made.. we were talking about the fact that kids are losing their virginities at ridiculously young ages nowadays.. all the sudden, he gets this smirk on his face and says.. ," look, at you.. you lost it at 14." i could have died on the spot, died of such humiliation and hurt. it was a slap in the face. i feel he has betrayed my trust and i do not know how i can stay with this person anymore after he could say something like this. what he said made me feel dirty and ashamed.. at fourteen, i did not have "sex"; i was forcibly raped.. i don't understand how he could think of it any different and make a joke out of it. maybe he isn't the person i thought he was.. i would appreciate any opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Tell him how you feel, he might not understand that it bothers you. I understand exactly how you feel though about a noncensual sexual act and the virginity status. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Such a remark was totally inappropriate and out of context in such a discussion. By all means let him know that. It may not be he's not who you thought he was, but simply does not understand things such as what you went through. Was this conversation between just the two of you, or was this in public (group setting)? Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 TELL HIM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL. Reconsider if you really know him....if this sort of attitude has been going on and you have just ignored it? Just talk to him....he could have been having an off day but that's a pretty low blow. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Men suffer from a genetic disorder in judgement. Priorities go unsorted, consequences go unpredicted, and statements go unfiltered. You need to communicate with him, and make it absolutely clear that your sexual abuse is off-limits in the realm of levity. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Originally posted by krbshappy71 TELL HIM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL. Reconsider if you really know him....if this sort of attitude has been going on and you have just ignored it? Just talk to him....he could have been having an off day but that's a pretty low blow. You have posed an excellent question that I missed - was this just a one-off remark or does it seem like an ongoing thing? If just a one time thing he said, although insensitive, he is truly not comprehending matters here. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Oh, Rayn, I'm so sorry. Sexual abuse... is a difficult thing to go through. Especially when no one understands how hurt you were, how much you will always hurt. Do talk to him about it. As it was posted above, is this out of character at all? Whether or not he was just having a "bad day" you don't deserve to hear comments like this. You really don't. Okay? You did nothing wrong. What he said was over the top, and cruel. Good luck with everything. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Originally posted by Rayn he gets this smirk on his face and says.. ," look, at you.. you lost it at 14." i could have died on the spot, died of such humiliation and hurt. it was a slap in the face. i feel he has betrayed my trust and i do not know how i can stay with this person anymore after he could say something like this. what he said made me feel dirty and ashamed.. at fourteen, i did not have "sex"; i was forcibly raped.. i don't understand how he could think of it any different and make a joke out of it. maybe he isn't the person i thought he was.. You are RIGHT!!! HE IS NOT who you thought he was.. DUMP HIM.... DUMP HIM WITHOUT A BLINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG ... I HAVE-TO interject.. on 2 horrid experiences... First and LEAST important... but noteworthy it seems.. I was violently abused while pregnant.. in ex-husbands attempt to make me 'abort'.. I struggled and hid and stayed married to keep his INSURANCE till baby was born.. YES, stupid, I was only in my young 20’s... but no shelters back then.. I needed doctors and hospital and I was high-risk.. So I needed INSURANCE.. I divorced after birth of child and 10+ years later in a restaurant... a topic came up... about 'stupid girls who stay married while abused..''.. WAS A SHOCK TO MY SOUL, this 'so-called' friend who KNEW my story.. said in mere conversation RIGHT AS I LOOKED AT HER IN ASTONISHMENT ..she says to the others who DIDN'T know my story.. 'look at rose.. she LIKED staying married while being abused..''.. winks at me and say. "huh, Rose"... So YES, I identify with that pain in your sweet soul.. Second... My daughter... 16 y/o young daughter ..hearing impaired.. in a boarding school for disabilities.. was attacked coming out of a bathroom stall IN SCHOOL in the middle of the night.. raped.. a female vicious violent attack on my daughter.. police called it rape... a lesbian rape.... she is marked for life.. now, she is 26... she just got MARRIED to her college bf of 7 years.. She loves him yet STILL has nightmares and issues from that horrid night... .. IF EVER a-n-y-o-n-e made a-n-y smirk ..even WITHOUT words... we'd NEED THEM D-U-M-P-E-D... let alone WITH words.. let alone a partner who s/be an ALLY in this world..not a subsequent ATTACKER... He HIMSELF attacked you, Rayn.. He attacked maybe WORSE than your first attacker.. as he gave you it's same horrific suddenness.. he made you RE-LIVE the horridness.. and WORSE ...he was someone you TRUSTED and was INTIMATE with... Dear God, dump this rotten soul... tell him the GREATEST loss in life is the loss of self-respect.. that YOU respect YOURSELF far TOO much than to ACCEPT that he would degrade you for that horrid experience that put a mark on your sweet soul,, and that you were NOT going to allow any more marks bay any sick soul INCLUDING him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I think dumping him is a bit exteme, if he continues yes, but i think he wil understand if you tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism I think dumping him is a bit exteme, if he continues yes, but i think he wil understand if you tell him. What he said to her was crass, rude, cruel, sick, insensitive and unfathomable. If he needs someone to "explain" that to him, the reasons why, then he's far too stupid to remain in a relationship with, and he's a lost cause. Those kinds of things you shouldn't "have to explain." It surely isn't too much to ask that one human being doesn't "make light of" the fact that someone was forcibly raped at the age of 14. My God, he said it a "smirk" on his face, no less. What in the hell is even remotely humorous about having been nothing more than a child and having been raped? His unspeakable remark totally made fun of a very hellish experience nobody should have to go through. If I were her, I'd sit him down and bring this all up.....just to be sure he KNOWS how horrid his remark was......and then, if she feels she has to, she has every right to end the relationship. Nobody should tell her that doing that would be extreme, she should do what she feels is right for her. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 If having bad judgement were a hanging offense, there'd be few of us posting today. A person should be forgiven one instance of blinding stupidity. However, if she makes it crystal clear to him how much that hurt and he does not apologize profusely and mend his ways, no second chances. Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I think dumping him is a bit exteme Perhaps, but I think a seperation would be very beneficial. He needs to realize what a harmful remark he made. You know he had *some* idea of the consequences of saying that. It almost seems like something a spiteful little child would say. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 ok under my definition of virginity, which is not having shared in another's orgasm, then i am ot realy a virgin cause of my molestation, but i dont count that, but if somebody said to me, ou are not a virgin /c of that i would be mad, but i wouldnt leave the person b/c of it. People that havnt been sexually abused have a much tougher time understanding the sensivity to it. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 What are you guys talking about?!? You don't leave someone to teach them a lesson. We're trying to determine whether or not an offense merits a seperation, and we're not qualified to do so. A relationship should be terminated because you can't withdraw/invest anything out of it anymore. If she is unable to resolve inside herself whether she can continue a relationship with someone capable of such insensitivity--relationship over. If she can let slide a lapse in judgement--relationship continues with new boundaries set. It's not like there's a continuim of global acceptable behavior, she's in charge. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Yes, but she asked for opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker What are you guys talking about?!?...You don't leave someone to teach them a lesson. What??????? this is NOT even about HIM.. much less HIS LESSON!!!!.... This is personal and private to her self-RESPECT.. her self-WORTH that he put the kibosh to p-e-r-i-o-d.. This is all about HER... only about her.. No one has to TEACH this rotten soul ANYTHING.. He's HEARTLESS to her self-respect and HEARTLESS to her spirit and is he thus has PROVEN he is NOT her ally.. thus.. merits a separation...and that's the only point... YES, she IS in charge of HER self-WORTH!!! ..Sorry ..this hits home.. I'm personally affected.. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by aroseInLove Sorry ..this hits home.. I'm personally affected.. That's exactly what I was talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by aroseInLove I'm personally affected.. According to your other post it was your daughter, last time i didnt think a person and their daughter were one in the same. I WAS molested, I know what i am talking about, I know EXACTLY how she feels. People say stupid things that are offensive, but you can't run from it, you work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism According to your other post it was your daughter, last time i didnt think a person and their daughter were one in the same. I WAS molested, I know what i am talking about, I know EXACTLY how she feels. People say stupid things that are offensive, but you can't run from it, you work through it. YES, I AM personally affected because it WAS my daughter.. YES, I was personally affected by her lesbian-rape trauma at age 16 in a boarding school in the middle of the night.. She was cut with a knife and raped with a bottle .. with glass broken and blood.. It was horrific.. traumatic ans as EVERY insult that ensued thereafter that crushed her sweet spirit as well... YES, I am so very very very personally affected in KNOWING the details.. in witnessing 10 years of horror in someone I gave birth to that I love more than life itself.. that still struggles horrifically from the horror AND insults.. smirks.. winks... from inconsiderate a**h***s like Rayn's bf... that crushed her sweet spirit ... as it did Rayn's.. .. YOU ARE FORGIVING.. MY DAUGHTER IS FORGIVING TOO... SHE PRAYS FOR THEM.. SHE PRAYS NO ONE ELSE GETS HURT .. BUT THE HORROR remains!!!! . I am SO VERY sorry to hear of your story... THERE IS NO QUESTION I ACHE FOR YOU, TOO.. FOR ALL WHO ARE VIOLATED.. YES, I AM ONLY A MOM... but Dear God, I WISH it was ME and NOT her.. Do you have children? GOD FORBID.. Just imagine.. for scenario..Let someone hurt YOUR Baby, and we'll see if you are NOT personally affected as well.. So, YES.. it hits home.. An INSULT to one's spirit from a s/b ally is a PRESENT-day harm to her s/b healing wound... Her bf's smirk was like salt on blood.. Do you want salt on your bloody cuts? I don't think you would.. or should ...nor her.. nor my daughter...nor anyone else.. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by aroseInLove Her bf's smirk was like salt on blood.. Do you want salt on your bloody cuts? I don't think you would.. or should ...nor her.. nor my daughter...nor anyone else.. Yes but that doesnt mean that she should leave. Thats life, not everybody is a saint. It happens, oh well, tell them and move on. You cant always run, like you are afraid of life, you have to stand up to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Explain how his awful comment made you feel. If he comes to his senses and sees it was the wrong thing to say..give him a chance. We all make mistakes and say dumb stuff. If not, and he doesn't get it, leave. I hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 That IS a point... Only you know this... Does he TRULY love and care about your spirit.. you self-worth... your self-respect.. IS he sorry he crushed it with that smirk and hurtful comment.. Did he express remorse? Link to post Share on other sites
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