Becoming real

[hopeful4someday]

For some reason, when I broke up with my ex, I wanted to make sure we'd talk again even though he was dumping me. I think I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that hearing his voice then was the last time I'd ever hear it and so I did some creative bargaining and he said he wouldn't mind talking cuz things didn't end badly (yes, they did).

 

So I said I'd wait a couple of months and maybe talk to him then.

 

Since then, I was really busy with classes and work and really just too overwhelmed to spend too much emotional energy on him, so he fell off my radar for the most part. But I just finished classes and now I'm free. I was at this party yesterday with a bunch of my friends, and we took a bus out downtown and we were on the way back and everyone was singing and dancing and generally drunk and everyone started bugging me for not having fun.

 

And really I was sitting there crying because I realized I missed him and that I wanted to be spending the night with him instead of everyone else on the bus. I hadn't been drinking, so I know it wasn't that I was drunk and seeing things clearly... it's just been getting to me lately.

 

I realize that since our relationship ended I've become a compulsive cleaner. I used to mostly be a slob, so it's kinda weird that I dust and wash walls for fun. But then I realized that I started cleaning because he was always busy and I'd do chores when I was waiting for him to finish his stuff, and then when we'd hang out we'd talk about what we'd accomplished in each other's absence.

 

So I realized when I was washing dishes that I missed him. And I realized when I was making those little take'n'break cookies that I missed him, because we used to cook them together and make them in all kinds of sizes like triplets and quads and when I saw my little quad sitting there alone on the cookie sheet I realized I hated cookies and couldn't stop cleaning.

 

Two months have passed. I think I was ok that I hadn't heard from him because I'd set that time point in our last conversation and so it wasn't unusual that since he was destroying me that he would give me space and time when I said I wanted space and time. But now I have to deal with the fact that he wasn't so much giving me space and time because he thought it was a nice thing to do, but it's that it was what he wanted to do because he wants and is probably enjoying pursuing his new woman and that's a lot easier with me far from the picture. He isn't even thinking about me and I know that.

 

I have some options as far as men go, which is good, but I just don't feel ready, and I feel like if I'm not ready I'm just going to dwell so I need to force myself to act ready until I feel ready. I still just feel really hurt and really stupid and I still don't know if we were ever really friends or just friends with benefits. It doesn't seem like friends would never talk or completely forget about each other's existence.

 

This just sucks.

[giuliano-3]

I think for us its not a good idea to not be jumping into a new relationship quite yet. Its been a year and I still don't watch certain things on TV, use certain ingredients while cooking, walk my dog in the same places etc - because those things make me think of her sometimes (much less frequently now).

 

I'm close to moving on, have lots of options also - and do agree with you that is a good thing. Its making me feel like a man again instead of a little boy who got rejected at some 5th grade dance.

 

Maybe once we get to that point where the ex never enters the mind we can move on with another partner. We owe it to the new partner. Carrying the baggage of past failures along with us will only doom our new relationship. But I think I'm going to go ahead and start hanging out with a girl who I've been attracted to for years. She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend - the sexual tension was there but we decided to not hang out because one or both of us was always spoken for and we didn't want to feel regretful. Now we are both single. It feels like a good time to reconnect with her.

 

It does suck at times, you will have a hard time having fun with friends sometimes, but it will get better.