Getting through the ups & downs in your marriage

[vsmini]

I guess I'd like to hear people's stories. I'm a 29 year old female who has been in a few long-term relationships and done my share of dating. I am now involved with a wonderful man. We share the same core values, outlook on the future is similar, communicate very well and things just seem to fit. He's a guy I could really see myself marrying and up until last year I never really knew if I would ever get married.

 

So thinking about it I was wondering the ups and downs that a marriage faces and how people in successful relationships deal with them.

Sex slumps, lack of affection, kids taking up a lot of time, resentments of any sort. I know downs are part of any relationship but they scare me and I guess I'd like some inspiration or tales of caution from your experience!

 

Tell us how old you are, how long you've been married and something you really learned!

 

Much appreciation to a girl finally contemplating marriage.

[xxoo]

We are 40ish, married since 20ish. We have kids.

 

One thing we've learned is not to lets ups and downs in life become ups and downs in your marriage. If you turn to each other for support and comfort in the times of stress, the hard times can strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.

 

For example--sex slumps. We've only had sex slumps during pregnancy (nausea in early pg, other discomforts in late pg), and after birth (recovery, hormones, fatigue). But, even though we weren't having a lot of sex, we talked about it openly, commiserated together, held and touched each other, and looked forward to better sex times We didn't ignore the issue, or turn against each other. I felt bad for his plight, he felt bad for my plight, and we both felt loved.

 

In earlier years, we would experience more conflict in hard times....but over the years we've learned to support and trust each other more. So whether it is kid stress, or financial stress, or illness, our response tends to be the same--looking to each other for comfort and support. We are in this thing together--us against the world!

 

As for resentments, all I can say is talk, talk, talk. How is your communication now? Can you work through issues respectfully and resolve them? If you can not do that during the dating days, it won't get easier with the stresses of marriage and family. But if you are willing and able to talk about and work through issues, resentments do not have to build up.

[Baroness67]

Hmm. Not sure I would start by calling mine a 'success story' - things are still settling themselves out - but I will put down a few things I have learned which I think were key to getting through the past few years:

 

1. Don't miss the forest for the trees - keep your eye on the big picture. Are you really that upset about not getting a phone call, or is the real issue that you were missing your spouse, looking forward to the call and the absence of a call made you feel neglected and lonely?

 

2. Don't accuse or project. You really only know how you feel at any given time, or how someone's actions make you feel. You don't know what's in their head.

 

3. There are no "always" or "nevers" ... as in "you never do this" or "you always do that.

 

4. What someone says in words isn't always what they are really SAYING. Likewise just because your spouse isn't complaining about anything doesn't mean they don't have any complaints. Don't let unspoken grievances fester into bigger problems.

 

5. Learn how to say sorry and learn how to listen. I thought I knew how to listen. In retrospect, I was actually a poor listener.

 

6. Look at marriage as being your spouse's caretaker, not at them being yours. When both partners accomplish this, there are great rewards. When both partners expect to be taken care of by the other, that doesn't work out so well.

 

Not a perfect list there but a start.

[Entropy3000]

Hmm. Not sure I would start by calling mine a 'success story' - things are still settling themselves out - but I will put down a few things I have learned which I think were key to getting through the past few years:

 

1. Don't miss the forest for the trees - keep your eye on the big picture. Are you really that upset about not getting a phone call, or is the real issue that you were missing your spouse, looking forward to the call and the absence of a call made you feel neglected and lonely?

 

2. Don't accuse or project. You really only know how you feel at any given time, or how someone's actions make you feel. You don't know what's in their head.

 

3. There are no "always" or "nevers" ... as in "you never do this" or "you always do that.

 

4. What someone says in words isn't always what they are really SAYING. Likewise just because your spouse isn't complaining about anything doesn't mean they don't have any complaints. Don't let unspoken grievances fester into bigger problems.

 

5. Learn how to say sorry and learn how to listen. I thought I knew how to listen. In retrospect, I was actually a poor listener.

 

6. Look at marriage as being your spouse's caretaker, not at them being yours. When both partners accomplish this, there are great rewards. When both partners expect to be taken care of by the other, that doesn't work out so well.

 

Not a perfect list there but a start.

 

All good but this is wondermous.

[fascinated]

Been married over 20 years, some days are still a struggle. The best advice I've received came from marriage counseling, and it's something that applies to all relationships, not just marriage. When you interact with a person, you have an opportunity to affirm them with positives or to show signs of contempt in little ways that you might not even be aware. In order to make someone feel loved, you have to affirm them with the things they need, which may be different from what you need to be loved. The key is learning how to best affirm each other!