Anyone else re-building themselves?

[SpiralOut]

I have spent the past several years of my life totally lost. Not only did I not know where I was going in life, but I lost myself as a person.

 

Over the past year I have been slowly but surely finding myself and rebuilding my self-esteem. This means getting rid of toxic friends and looking for new ones, learning how to be more assertive, less shy, making myself go after my dreams and turn them into goals. I'm changing my personal style into something that is more "me" and I spend my free time doing stuff that I actually enjoy. When people ask about my interests I don't lie anymore; I'm not afraid anymore for people to see who I really am. I feel like a new person: a better version of the old me.

 

The one major issue I still have is trust issues and fear of intimacy, which makes it hard for me to make new friends. I have trouble with feeling my emotions too, since I made myself numb for so long. This is something I need to work on and it is very difficult.

 

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[dollface07]

frankly i dont know what to do with my own intimacy/trust issues if any man shows interest for anything more than friends; i just cut off all communication, ignore all phone calls etc its like i register it as some potential threat to my emotional independence that i worked so hard to obtain

[betterdeal]

Hey, SpiralOut, I've been going through a similar process myself. As I see it, emotions are the expressions of my inner child and it is because the inner child was hurt and afraid I made efforts to avoid things that triggered emotional responses during my recovery period.

 

As I have created a calmer, more safe feeling life for myself, the inner child has recovered and my feelings have become more fluid, more authentic, more apparent to me. I think if you can find a way to live that makes you happy, you'll find intimacy and friendship less threatening as they will be complimentary to your life and not as essential to your happiness.

 

If a friendship doesn't work out, I still have my yoga and gardening, for instance. And the more I accept that everyone is just muddling through life just like I am, and that people do come and go, the easier it is to feel my feelings, accept my feelings and honour them.

 

Developing that relationship between the inner you and the outer you is key to your happiness. Let the inner child express his or her feelings and let the inner adult listen to them and act on them if needs be.

[hurley21]

I felt like you were describing me exactly. I am definitely in your shoes, just a year behind. I am at the beginning of finding myself and ridding myself of toxic people. I will be following your model for the past year. As for the trust, its hard, really hard. If you've been exposed to toxic people, which is what the majority of the world is because we're all running around trying to sort ourselves out, you lose hope that there are good, safe people out there. I've only found a handful of truly wonderful people that have never hurt me and I cherish them so much. Just like everything else in life, you have to take chances with people. You won't be able to find the good ones if you don't. Just be careful about spotting toxicity quickly so you can break that contact.

[SpiralOut]

Well I'm glad you guys know what I am talking about! That's basically what I've been doing, is trying to find happiness for myself. I figure that once I am secure in myself I will attract other people who are secure in themselves. It took me a long time to figure it out but I think that jealous, negative, toxic people don't even try to make friends with someone who is strong and confident because they just know that person won't put up with their bull****. I never realized how scary toxic people can be until I became involved with some of them. They can be so destructive to another person's self-confidence if that person happens to be in a low spot, and to me that is really frightening. Thankfully I am now able to spot most warning signs.

 

I like this idea of the inner child. The more I recover the more I realize how out of touch I have been with my intuition, which is sort of an inner child or just the part of me that is emotional. It's not enough to be rational. Having intuition too is essential.

[betterdeal]

Yep, the inner child is akin to the subconscious, id, the intuitive / emotive part of us, the heart / soul / real you. I like the "inner child" and "subconscious" as terms as they are less loaded with value - for instance, a "real you" suggests there's a false you (indeed, that model calls is the false you). It's all real.

 

With the conscious / subconscious, neither term is very loaded. You can think of the conscious mind as being like the tip of an iceberg, and the subconscious mind being the big, silent bit under the surface.

 

Mind, body and soul are yet more names for them that I like. Interconnected, yet distinct from one another. Learning to leverage each in favour of the other is what gives us strength and flexibility. And just as the best way to tone a muscle is to eat well, sleep well, and exercise it regularly, taking it to its edge each time and no further, this is also the best way to tone the mind, and the soul.

 

In yoga they say that breathing is the gateway between the body and the mind. One way to clear your mind is to take a deep breath, let it out, squeeze out all the air, and hold it there until you need to breath. Then let go and let the fresh air in, letting your lungs fill and noticing how you upper belly (just below the ribs) expands. This calms the mind. Physiologically, it reduces the amount of signals to the brain, makes the heartbeat more regular, and re-engages our diaphragm - the muscle whose primary role is to help us breath.

 

There's some merit in the idea that heavy smokers are using smoking as a way to regulate their breathing, hence the calming sensation we (I smoke) get from cigarettes.

 

The stronger and more flexible we are, the more confident we are we can handle any threat or realise any opportunity. This creates inner happiness, a baseline of assuredness. Dealing with toxic people is like dealing with toxic waste. You can choose to live with the toxic waste, clean it up or move somewhere cleaner, healthier. It's up to you.

 

I have read a lot of self-help books in the past year. Many are didactic - do this, do that - in nature and that didn't appeal to me. Some are exploratory, explain ideas and offer new ways to see things, and that appeals to me much more. I'd rather someone explain to me the principles of cycling and offer tips on how to learn to cycle than tell me to march up and down, but that's just me where I am at right now.

 

I recommend this book - Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self - as one that explores the inner-child idea. I didn't like his references to God, or his habit of self-promoting his other titles, but otherwise, it was a good book to read.

[photogeek]

Definaly going through kind of the same thing. I am taking baby steps, I used to censor the way I acted and or what I said around people because I was afraid they would think I was "stupid" or some other lame things. Now I just do things/ say things because thats who I am, of course I don't just go blurting things, but I am definably more of who I really am, not what I think people like. But I have a longs way to go.

[Ira]

The biggest thing I am doing for rebuilding myself right now is to not react to DH unhealthy actions. Hard to do, which is why I joined this site, to find ideas to help me.

 

Very good subject

[DudeMan27]

Add my name to the list of people that feel this exact way. I've felt like I've been in neutral the last two years while every single person around me is doing something with their lives. After a breakup, I fell into a deep sadness and just quit caring about anything. Eventually I was laid off, got even sadder, had nothing to do and zero energy to try and find a job or give meaning to my life.

 

I am very slowly crawling out of it even though I have known for a long while how destructive my actions and way of thinking is, but its been so difficult to change. My friends are all either getting married, or having children, or getting better jobs. I'm stuck in yet another job I hate making no money at all. I've been so bored with life, I know I want to find a better job in a bigger city an hour a way and move, everyone says how good it would be for me, and I'm trying, but I have no idea how to go about that major of a change or even believe in myself enough to make the leap.

 

But back on topic I guess, I havent dated anyone in the two years. I have, like some of you said, numb. I haven't garnered a single feeling for anyone since. Just numb to it all, even tho there have been girls that like me. I tried dating someone for a few months, who really liked me, but it felt so forced because I just didnt care one way or the other if I saw her, or if she even did like me.

 

I'm slowly gaining more confidence, as that has been the major thing in my life that has destroyed me, I had NONE. I'm slowly becomming more outgoing, and slowly developing 'goals' when most of my life I feel like I had none. I'm tired of being stuck, tired of being numb, tired of not enjoying my life. Im just having trouble figuring out how to dig myself out, like most of you. I look forward to hearing everyones stories and tips in this thread as to what their doing to reshape their lives for the better.

[betterdeal]

DudeMan27, what you've described is depression. Depression is a natural state; a coping mechanism that humans (and other species) have evolved to deal with times of scarce resources. A bear in hibernation is in a depressed state. All bodily functions go into standby mode. We become listless, we don't think, feel or do much. This helps us to preserve energy, and is a good response to the end of winter when there isn't much food around, for example. We subconsciously choose this state as a way of protecting ourselves, of surviving.

 

But we live in a world where food is available all year round and so is shelter, water, heat. Therefore the reason we entered into a depressed state, went into standby, is something other than basic survival. But it was the best response you had at that time, probably to the end of your relationship, but also to a job you didn't like, and probably more things too I am guessing.

 

Just like the hibernating bear, it takes time to wake up, get everything running on optimal settings.

 

Have you tried CBT? I liked it and it has helped me out of depression. This is a good, free course in it if you'd like to give it a go:

 

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

[Ross MwcFan]

Yes, I'm re-building myself. I'm pushing myself into situations I'm not that comfortable with regulary, and it's working as I'm becoming more confident and less shy in these situations.

 

I also listen to self help mp3's and hypnosis mp3's, and I think they may be working a bit too.

 

I've still got a long way to go yet though.

[Badenov]

In the past 6 months my life has turned upside-down, making me realize it's time to change. Depression, low self-esteem, & trouble with relationships have always been my problem. I'm now concentrating on being the person I want to be: kind, giving, honest, sensitive. While also working on those aspects of myself I don't like: petty, manipulative, deceptive. It's all in how you see yourself

[oldguy]

I'm happy to hear you didn't run off and join some group or even the military as a means to re-invent or find yourself. Not hat I have a problem with military service, I served in the Air Force myself but I joined for entirely different reasons at the time.

 

Generally people adapt what they see works for others near them or who influence them. Then there is a filter process; basically we do what works for us, actions that net the most positive reactions or at times the least negative ones. So without a clear goal or vision of what someone wants, there is the risk of simply adapting characteristics that simply work to some degree in a particular situation.

 

It's all good stuff but it is important to have a clear and somewhat flexible vision of where your heading so you don't become sidetracked or lost. A good method that I've found useful is to adapt role models, especially different roles models that exhibit certain characteristics you admire in certain circumstances. When I was learning to fly I was influenced by a bunch of hot shot "barn stormers" but fortunately I was impressed by an older pilot and I learned, among many things, the lesson, "there are old pilots & there are bold pilots but there are no old bold pilots. That was one role model I latched onto who became a bit of a mentor for me. I've also worked for a man once who was an incredible business man, I never liked him as a person but often refer to and I supposed I have adapted his business philosophy or role model.

 

This is actually getting long and I think I made the point I set out to.

Hopefully we all change as part of growth. Too often most of us are reactive rather than proactive as you are. Too often; "life is what happens to us when we get busy doing something else" according to the great philosopher; John Lennon, LOL

 

Best of luck on your journey and may it never end.

[betterdeal]

Yes, I'm re-building myself. I'm pushing myself into situations I'm not that comfortable with regulary, and it's working as I'm becoming more confident and less shy in these situations.

 

I also listen to self help mp3's and hypnosis mp3's, and I think they may be working a bit too.

 

I've still got a long way to go yet though.

 

Hurrah! I'm really pleased to hear it, Ross! It's an exciting journey and it's only just begun...

[Ross MwcFan]

Hurrah! I'm really pleased to hear it, Ross! It's an exciting journey and it's only just begun...

 

Thanks.

 

Knowing that things really do get easier from pushing myself, gives me a lot of strength to continue pushing myself.

[2sure]

I have real issues with trust and intimacy pertaining to man/woman relationships. I cant say that I am rebuilding myself in that area ...but I have made changes. I have expanded other parts of my life and other kinds of relationships. I have to say that I am no longer lonely and I am feeling pretty much fulfilled...but not all the way. I miss having a partner or at least being in a romantic relationship.

 

But right now I cant do it and I dont think its wrong that I have simply not made it a priority. Because of my past and because of the way that I am...its possible that a real trusting and intimate relationship is just not something I'm going to be able to do.

 

But I refuse to feel less valid because of that.

 

On the other hand, with all of the good changes I have made in my life that are making me happy...sometimes I think "Boy, somebody's really missing out!". I just dont think its me.

[betterdeal]

Thanks.

 

Knowing that things really do get easier from pushing myself, gives me a lot of strength to continue pushing myself.

 

It's just like building a muscle. The best way to improve a muscle is to take it to your edge, feel a little uncomfortable, and keep doing this, regularly. The more you do it, the further out your edge gets, the more toned your muscle gets. And just like yoga, and body-building, you gotta think in years, not months.

 

We all start from here, now, wherever we are.

[betterdeal]

On the other hand, with all of the good changes I have made in my life that are making me happy...sometimes I think "Boy, somebody's really missing out!". I just dont think its me.

 

Life is about being happy. Happy inside. Happy with ourselves. You're on the right path.

[Ross MwcFan]

It's just like building a muscle. The best way to improve a muscle is to take it to your edge, feel a little uncomfortable, and keep doing this, regularly. The more you do it, the further out your edge gets, the more toned your muscle gets. And just like yoga, and body-building, you gotta think in years, not months.

 

We all start from here, now, wherever we are.

 

I've seen progress within months, good progress, but it'll probably take years to get to where I want to be, if I ever get there.

[betterdeal]

Me too (seeing progress) and the more I see, the more I like the journey. I *am* where I want to be, which is on a journey, instead of being stuck. I love climbing mountains. The perspective it (quite literally) gives on life is great, but it's also one step at a time and that's how you get to the summit.

Edited May 20, 2011 by betterdeal

[Ross MwcFan]

Me too (seeing progress) and the more I see, the more I like the journey. I *am* where I want to be, which is on a journey, instead of being stuck. I love climbing mountains. The perspective it (quite literally) gives on life is great, but it's also one step at a time and that's how you get to the summit.

 

Yeah, it sucks being stuck, it sucks thinking you'll always be stuck. I was like that for a long time.

[betterdeal]

It's just a resting period.

[SpiralOut]

Me too (seeing progress) and the more I see, the more I like the journey. I *am* where I want to be, which is on a journey, instead of being stuck. I love climbing mountains. The perspective it (quite literally) gives on life is great, but it's also one step at a time and that's how you get to the summit.

 

Yes I also feel that I am climbing a mountain. Sometimes I get frustrated with it because I see all the years that I wasted being "stuck" instead of moving along the path. I am in such a hurry to get to where I want to be that I sometimes feel frantic and I just run around trying to get stuff done.

 

I really need to try and fit counselling sessions back into my work schedule. I don't want to get stuck in the mindset of wanting more than what I have. I should be happy with where I am, even though I feel as though I'm just scrambling to catch up to where I think I *should* be right now. Even though I know that I shouldn't *should* myself, I do it anyway...

 

It's kind of ridiculous the amount of things that I need to work on and work towards. Sooo much.

[betterdeal]

As long as I'm happy with who I am, that's what matters to me.

[Star Gazer]

As I see it, emotions are the expressions of my inner child and it is because the inner child was hurt and afraid I made efforts to avoid things that triggered emotional responses during my recovery period.

 

Inner child! Yes! Years ago, my therapist recommended a particular book to me, and your post made me go dig it off the shelf. It's called "Reinventing Your Life," by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko. It talks about what different types of "life traps" (by asking you to think about how you felt as a child, and how you feel now as an adult), and then provides tools for how to recognize your particular life traps and change them.

 

I'd highly recommend it.