Anyone else re-building themselves?

[betterdeal]

Oooooooh, that sounds interesting. Am currently reading the Consolations of Philosophy which is a lovely, well-written book, but I will look into that one too. Thanks, SG!

 

I like this article:

 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/heal-your-adrenals-in-5-steps-yoga-nyc-no-sugar-forgive--dump-caffeine/

 

Cutting out refined sugar and caffeine has made me feel loads better. I lapse occasionally, but I am nowhere near as dependent as I was a year ago. 2-3 cups of black tea in the morning, maybe a chocolate bar in the evening, is a big day out for me now. Compare that to c. 10-20 cups of coffee a day, with sugar...

 

I went to London yesterday afternoon for a friend's birthday. I had a pint of cider and a pint of perry (both really nice tasting small brewery jobs) and left as soon as I finished the second pint. Felt a sugar rush coming on and didn't want to drink more than that. I like that, occasionally. Compare that to 6-9 pints a day, 5-6 days a week...

 

I see my relationships with those substances as being a good measure of my relationship with the world. Keeping it sociable, light, low-dependency, enjoyable not endurable. Same goes for food, money, etc etc.

 

Next big step is nicotine...

Edited May 22, 2011 by betterdeal

[threebyfate]

I have spent the past several years of my life totally lost. Not only did I not know where I was going in life, but I lost myself as a person.

 

Over the past year I have been slowly but surely finding myself and rebuilding my self-esteem. This means getting rid of toxic friends and looking for new ones, learning how to be more assertive, less shy, making myself go after my dreams and turn them into goals. I'm changing my personal style into something that is more "me" and I spend my free time doing stuff that I actually enjoy. When people ask about my interests I don't lie anymore; I'm not afraid anymore for people to see who I really am. I feel like a new person: a better version of the old me.

Good stuff!

 

The one major issue I still have is trust issues and fear of intimacy, which makes it hard for me to make new friends. I have trouble with feeling my emotions too, since I made myself numb for so long. This is something I need to work on and it is very difficult.

 

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

In order to amend this type of behaviour, you have to figure out what gave you these issues.

 

As an example, I had trust issues post finding out that my first husband cheated on me. What was interesting was that post divorce, I latched onto someone who had similar validation needs, someone untrustworthy. It was an attempt to "right" what was wrong by repeating the pattern.

 

So, I finally figured out how to combat those trust issues. In retrospect, my gut instincts were accurate about both these men. And in the past, my gut instincts have been accurate about pretty much everyone, whether platonic or non-platonic. With this in mind, I anchored to gut instincts and lost my trust issues since I became confident again in my own abilities to judge.

 

Anyways, figure out what gave you those issues, acknowledge them and figure out how to combat them by finding something solid within YOU.

[SpiralOut]

So, I finally figured out how to combat those trust issues. In retrospect, my gut instincts were accurate about both these men. And in the past, my gut instincts have been accurate about pretty much everyone, whether platonic or non-platonic. With this in mind, I anchored to gut instincts and lost my trust issues since I became confident again in my own abilities to judge.

 

Anyways, figure out what gave you those issues, acknowledge them and figure out how to combat them by finding something solid within YOU.

I think it partially stems from bad judgements that I have made. I bolded the part in your post that I can relate to: I am learning to trust my own judgement again and it makes it easier to open up. Still, I think something else besides that is going on that I need to figure out.

 

Well done for taking such positive steps! You are absolutely right - by feeling better about yourself and "clearing out" negative friends, you will attract more positivity into your life. Many people don't even realize that their "so-called friends" are actually harming them emotionally.

 

Thank you. I have to admit that at one point I myself was guilty of not being the greatest friend to other people. Birds of a feather flock together, and all of that stuff.

 

It's funny how the ones who openly insult me are the ones who are easier to notice and get rid of. The ones who secretly sabatoge me by not being happy for me when good things happen are the ones who very slowly in a sneaky (and unintentional) way make me feel that my happiness doesn't matter or it's not okay to talk about good things.

 

My whole life I have felt as though I need to make myself into a smaller person or else people will get upset with me and accuse me of being a show off or will feel bad about being around me.

 

Which reminds me of a good self help book that I used called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It was immensely helpful to me in terms of rediscovering the inner artist (which is really a child) and learning to see the world differently.

[threebyfate]

I think it partially stems from bad judgements that I have made. I bolded the part in your post that I can relate to: I am learning to trust my own judgement again and it makes it easier to open up. Still, I think something else besides that is going on that I need to figure out.

The bolded phrase is both cryptic and telling.

 

Analyze your bad judgements. Any consistency within them? Look beyond the surface of the judgements to the underlying reasons or rationale.

 

Also, once you've analyzed the incidents, can the underlying reasons be tagged onto the balance of the "partially stems from"?

 

Sometimes, it's all one big bundle.

[0hpenelope]

I have spent the past several years of my life totally lost. Not only did I not know where I was going in life, but I lost myself as a person.

 

Over the past year I have been slowly but surely finding myself and rebuilding my self-esteem. This means getting rid of toxic friends and looking for new ones, learning how to be more assertive, less shy, making myself go after my dreams and turn them into goals. I'm changing my personal style into something that is more "me" and I spend my free time doing stuff that I actually enjoy. When people ask about my interests I don't lie anymore; I'm not afraid anymore for people to see who I really am. I feel like a new person: a better version of the old me.

 

The one major issue I still have is trust issues and fear of intimacy, which makes it hard for me to make new friends. I have trouble with feeling my emotions too, since I made myself numb for so long. This is something I need to work on and it is very difficult.

 

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Yes. A big, hearty YES to re-building me.

[skydiveaddict]

The one major issue I still have is trust issues and fear of intimacy, which makes it hard for me to make new friends. I have trouble with feeling my emotions too, since I made myself numb for so long. This is something I need to work on and it is very difficult.

 

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

 

Yes, I know what you are talking about. Isn't easy, is it?

[cerridwen]

Yes. A big, hearty YES to re-building me.

 

*fist bumps miss penny*

 

I've been presented with new challenges and my old coping mechanisms aren't cutting it.

This is heavier weight Life is asking me to lift.

I buckled for awhile. Now I'm gathering a second wind.

Need to adjust, need to reposition my footing.

I'm confident I'll do it.

I don't care if it takes years. I'm headed "that way" anyway. When I get there, might as well be in a better shape.

Edited May 23, 2011 by cerridwen

[dramadramadrama]

I am so glad I found this! I am doing exactly this, currently only on day 5 but it’s been brewing for a while.I have been in a stressful job and spent last year feeling pretty down, broke up with someone if you could even call it that who just didn’t want to commit and spent the time feeling useless (I think I was just attracted because he was unattainable and I must be drawn to that, allowing people to put me down and make me feel worthless). Found someone wonderful, then went to see a cardiologist who said I will need to have major heart surgery. This ended the whirl wind romance with prince charming- either because I pushed him away or because he couldn’t deal with how serious it was. I still haven’t worked that out (this is something I will need to resolve) Still in a very stressful job that its driving me insane. From the news in December and everything that followed I shut myself off from going out with friends- I feel this isn’t me and not how I wanted to spend my time. More and more the casual meet ups drifted off (because they just want to go partying and not have a real friendship) and I ended up forcing myself to go on a few nights out because ‘I didn’t want to lose my friends’ and basically add to my misery, as my world is falling apart and they (in my eyes) are all happy and bouncy in fulfilling relationships etc.

I dont moan about being unhappy to people its a state I was in but still getting on with life.

So on the last night which I had forced myself to go out, I slipped stupidly and ended up breaking my nose & splitting my lip. My friend was with me who took me home, while her bf beeped in the taxi for her to hurry up, and said a wet wipe would get rid of it- I was saying I need to go to the hospital. I have not seen her since the fall, she asked if I was going on a date the same day when clearing I was in a mess. And she then didn’t bother to come around at all. Since then I have been recovering and the rest of my friends booked a holiday without me. I have been so hurt by this I feel like my hearts been ripped out, and that if they were true friends they would care enough to try and make me happy. Or even just enough to want me to go...

I also think that it’s down to me to be happy and not the job of anyone else- so a bit conflicting really

I won’t go into it all the friendship info because it’s a waste of reading for you, just basically I am strong believer of everything happens for a reason and I think this is the time for me to start over. I know it’s going to take so much energy but I can’t continue surrounding myself with people that care so little about my well-being when I have always gone out of my way to care for them. I also forgive everybody, to add to the personal drama of life my brother died and I hate the feeling that you would have a bad word with some and not see them again.

From surgery’s I also have physical scars, when I went into the hospital for the nose- the doctor acted repulsed by one on my stomach (devastating to the self-esteem) I can’t have this fixed or the nose also because I’m a heart patient.....So I have been to the doctor (who wouldn’t prescribe antidepressants because of the heart issues) and signed up to see someone. Basically I know this is a battle for me, I more than anything want to be happy. Looking at my past I can see that I have surrounded myself by people that aren’t good for me(friends who are selfish and ex-boyfriends who I fall for completely and repay nothing). I know I deserve better and that I can do better, but it’s a case of sorting my head! As even the people who are nice, get close and I push right away. It’s like I’m my own worst enemy, like I’m scared of being hurt but I end up being hurt anyway

I saw a psychic recently and she even said I was surrounded my selfish, jealous people and need to move on and find people more suited- so that’s a sign that I’m doing the right thing. I have felt for such a long time my friends weren’t right for me. It’s just a case of getting my act together to find the people I do want to surround myself with and also getting my head together, and body so that I feel well enough to take all of this on. I need to be a confident happy person, so then people wouldnt feel they could treat me this way.

It would be so easy now to give in and continue as it was. Putting up with people because ‘their my friends’ I would really appreciate any inspiration here or ideas on how do this…..

I am really looking forward to coming out of this a better person,happy in who I am and much stronger so people dont feel they can walk all over me.

 

(rereading this is sounds like I'm so sad, I feel upset about these things enough to list them but I'm not miserable all the time)

[SpiralOut]

*fist bumps miss penny*

 

I've been presented with new challenges and my old coping mechanisms aren't cutting it.

This is heavier weight Life is asking me to lift.

I buckled for awhile. Now I'm gathering a second wind.

Need to adjust, need to reposition my footing.

I'm confident I'll do it.

I don't care if it takes years. I'm headed "that way" anyway. When I get there, might as well be in a better shape.

 

I love the metaphor of lifting weights. It's true that only by pushing our muscles past their usual limits can they become stronger. Maybe this is why I feel SO exhausted all the time from all this work I am putting into myself.

 

Basically I know this is a battle for me, I more than anything want to be happy. Looking at my past I can see that I have surrounded myself by people that aren’t good for me(friends who are selfish and ex-boyfriends who I fall for completely and repay nothing). I know I deserve better and that I can do better, but it’s a case of sorting my head! As even the people who are nice, get close and I push right away. It’s like I’m my own worst enemy, like I’m scared of being hurt but I end up being hurt anyway

 

I do this too. I freak out whenever I feel myself becoming close to someone who seems ''unsafe." Maybe selfish, unkind people are safer to be friends with because you don't need to worry about becoming close to them because people like that don't ever care enough to appreicate you for who you really are.

 

I am starting to see the difference now between people who want friends for different reasons. The selfish people want friends so they can be seen with them and have people to do stuff with and talk to when they are bored. Then nicer people want friends because they enjoy you as a person for who you ARE and they want a real connection.

 

May seem obvious enough to most people but it sure took me a long time to figure out. Actually I think I knew it for a long time but when my self-esteem dropped as low as it did, I forgot how to recognize fake friends from real ones.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, I know what you are talking about. Isn't easy, is it?

 

No it's not easy. I have had to force myself to deal with my thoughts and feelings lately. It's scary to do, but I would rather feel horrible than not feel anything. I cannot believe how repressed I have been (and still am to an extent)

[betterdeal]

There have been two phrases that people has said to me in the past 18 months that have struck home. The first is, "It's okay to ask for help" and the second is, "it's what we say to ourselves that matters". These two alone have helped me enormously. Now I am onto the next stage of personal development, improving what I say to other people.

 

It all takes practice. You go to your edge each time and stretch yourself just a little bit more. Just like any other form of exercise...

[betterdeal]

I like this story...

 

http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2011/06/red-noise/

[cerridwen]

I love the metaphor of lifting weights. It's true that only by pushing our muscles past their usual limits can they become stronger. Maybe this is why I feel SO exhausted all the time from all this work I am putting into myself.

 

I wish I could take credit for the metaphor but it's really betterdeal's .

 

It's a dance, isn't it SpiralOut?

A dance of knowing how to be content with where one is and how not to be complacent with one's self development?

 

I like what I'm hearing from you though . It sounds like you're learning this dance well.

Best to you.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, it is certainly a dance. I feel so frustrated with where I wish I could be. Then I look around and remember that I need to feel happy with where I am.

 

Within the past week I decided it is finally time to start being social again. I have been such a hermit for the past few months and I'm getting tired of it. So I'm going away for a weekend next month to see a close friend, I'm putting together plans to meet an old classmate, and one of my guy aquaintances wants to meet up for biking. I am so glad I took the time to work on myself and develop my hobbies because it is making it so much easier to connect with people. Oh yeah I'm also meeting up with a guy from a dating site this weekend which may or may not be disasterous. I have to do it though in order to feel as though I am moving on with my life post-breakup. Oh it feels so good to be moving forward!!

[betterdeal]

Keep on keeping on!

[Ruby Slippers]

I am definitely in a growth mode, and I keep reminding myself of something Julia Cameron said:

 

Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.

[4you]

It's certainly a long and arduous process, great to know i have company!