Mothers Day weekend...daughter challenge

[TheFamilyMan]

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. I had a great weekend as well with my family. So the biggest challenge I seem to be facing with my kids has to do with my 14 year old daughter. I feel like we are not even related because of how distant she is. It honestly seems like the only thing she cares about is Facebook, she lives and breathes it...her eyes are permanently glued to a screen, whether it's her computer or her phone. I can never so much as get a few words in before she blatantly ignores me! It's the most frustrating thing ever! I feel like I have tried everything to get her to stop, though lately it has been really bad. I've tried punishing her, rationally speaking to her, giving her her "space," taking her out, and a few other things but no luck. I honestly feel like I am at a stand still with my own daughter. What should I do to get across to her?

[Eve]

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. I had a great weekend as well with my family. So the biggest challenge I seem to be facing with my kids has to do with my 14 year old daughter. I feel like we are not even related because of how distant she is. It honestly seems like the only thing she cares about is Facebook, she lives and breathes it...her eyes are permanently glued to a screen, whether it's her computer or her phone. I can never so much as get a few words in before she blatantly ignores me! It's the most frustrating thing ever! I feel like I have tried everything to get her to stop, though lately it has been really bad. I've tried punishing her, rationally speaking to her, giving her her "space," taking her out, and a few other things but no luck. I honestly feel like I am at a stand still with my own daughter. What should I do to get across to her?

 

Thanks for the Mothers Day greetings.. already had MD over here a while back now but thanks anyway.

 

Some suggestions -

 

. A timer on the modem. Allocate time accordingly to the internet. The internet is not a right! Ensure you do this to teach a lesson relevant to life though. My lesson aim was that one should always look after themselves before looking after others. So, my daughter would need to have completed stuff she needs to do before internet time, or just have that thinking space at very least.

 

Have a switch off point at night too.

 

Any disrespect, match that in time not allowed on the internet. Uphold this rule with your life.. Use this a a means to get her to talk things through. It is not acceptable to just be ignored.

 

. Above and beyond all of this I would STRONGLY advise that you focus on making home the BEST place to be. Focus on the positive. My teen had a few problems but I tell you what, she knew clearly which side her bread was buttered! Make sure there is good food on the table and keep the house clean and interesting. This is how to nurture them.. they won't stray too far when this is their foundation.

 

. Be happy and loving. Don't take the negativity teens sometimes exhibit too seriously. I found out that my teen is THE best friend you can ever have to her friends, even though she was not very nice to me. All the things I was giving her she was trying in her own way to give this to her friends. Don't doubt your place, even when they are obnoxious.

 

. Have your own life and show that you can manage problems. Everything you do they are watching. They just get quite critical at around that age. This is normal but don't stand for disrespect. Use I-statements to express any hurt feelings. Try also ignoring bad behaviour and going all out with praising good behaviour.

 

. Write notes and push them under the bedroom door. This is a good way to communicate without being in their face. Write down hopes and phrase any disappointments carefully. Make sure you outline any concerns but leave on a positive note.

 

Got plenty more thoughts. Hope this helps.

 

Is she interested in boys? How is that going for her? Does she like herself? Is she in with good peers?

 

Also, for serious talks, set a time to discuss them. This gives time to structure thoughts. Don't act out of pure emotion - you could both say something you both regret later.

 

Hope this isn't overkill..

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited May 9, 2011 by Eve

[boyd6a]

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[TheFamilyMan]

Wow Eve that wasn't overkill at all! That is all very valid advice and I really appreciate it! All the basics as far as keeping the house clean, providing them with good food, and especially love I make sure are always taken care of. The note idea is great, I will definitely try that. As far as the boys go, I am not 100% sure because she does not communicate this with me...She does pay attention to her outer appearance though and goes shopping and all the typical teenage girl things like that. She spends quite a bit of time on the phone also so I know she has friends, she is yet to bring a boy home though but maybe I should tell her she can feel comfortable doing so as long as I am home?

[Eve]

Wow Eve that wasn't overkill at all! That is all very valid advice and I really appreciate it! All the basics as far as keeping the house clean, providing them with good food, and especially love I make sure are always taken care of. The note idea is great, I will definitely try that. As far as the boys go, I am not 100% sure because she does not communicate this with me...She does pay attention to her outer appearance though and goes shopping and all the typical teenage girl things like that. She spends quite a bit of time on the phone also so I know she has friends, she is yet to bring a boy home though but maybe I should tell her she can feel comfortable doing so as long as I am home?

 

Ok I mainly sort of ramble a bit rather than be concise.

 

Someone here called Ronni suggested that I let my daughter 'home date'. I had not come across this idea before but it resonated as soon as I heard it mentioned. I put the idea to my daughter who of course thought I had lost my mind but accepted that I was not backing down. The first boy chickened out and would not come to our home and this made my daughter think. He so wanted to mess around with her. I could see it in his eyes when he was on web cam. The second and third boys have both come to the home and it has really helped to provide a lot of safety for her as one of the boys turned out to have a problem with alcohol.

 

So yeah, I would strongly agree with the dating whilst another adult is present idea. We have a lot of room so they could have privacy if needed to watch a film separate from us but no boys are allowed in the bedroom areas. Forget that liberal nonsense, lol!

 

Do you have a sister or a close female friend who your girl can talk to about boys and stuff? My sister and brother helped me out a lot! I think it is important to have someone who can be on their side but provide guidance you can trust.

 

Ok, from what you say, I would be concerned that your daughter may be too locked into Social Networking sites and I am not sure if it is clear to you who these friends are. A lot of bullying and other stuff happens on those sites and it all can have a detrimental effect on self esteem/becoming over sexualised too young. I suppose you need to keep an eye on her posts in one way or another. My daughter has my sister and a couple of trendy but decent Mums on her FB who I respect. I am not allowed on her FB page because apparently it is not cool to have your Mum on your page. From these observers I found out that she presents herself very maturely and her pictures are not over sexualised.

 

Watch her peer group closely. Watch the parents of her friends closely too. One woman had some random man come to the house for sex whilst my daughter was over at her home. I couldn't believe it when my daughter phoned me to come and get her because she was scared.

 

Get the timer for the internet sorted though. It is a simple plug in device that costs under £5 and you decide when the modem comes on and goes off. Obviously negotiate different times for weekend usage. The internet is an addictive place and it is important that your daughter can delay gratification and get on with stuff that she needs to do.

 

Can I ask if she sees her Mum?

 

Is there any underlying reasons why she does not talk to you? Have you had a big fall out or something? My girl tried to manipulate me with silence and a bad attitude. This behaviour just plainly came out of nowhere and really upset me for a time. In the end I found out she was really unhappy about a lot of things in her friendships and other things and had got stuck in this behaviour because she could not express how she felt. The whole process took three years but she is fine now..

 

Hope you can pick out some sense out of the above!

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

P.s. The note under the door thing helped me no end!

 

Also maybe get your daughter a pretty diary to record her changing thoughts and feelings in.

[TheFamilyMan]

" Forget that liberal nonsense, lol!" lol that's great! And no I do not have any close family members who are women to help me but I do have woman friends who help some, and the different forums I am on. From my understanding and what I have seen of her social network pages she does not get bullied or anything of the sort, nor does she have "racey" pictures on there so I am not worried about that but it is where she "hangs out" the most I guess. I have not changed any in the past that would cause her attitude but I feel like it is just partly due to her age and what not. She also does not see her mom very often for a number of reasons. I really appreciate the help! I'll let you know how everything goes!