1 year NC and she broke it.

[Thierro]

It’s funny how things go in life. I haven’t been on the forums for a while because of some personal and technical issues. I am glad both problems prevented me from coming online. I had the opportunity to work even harder and better myself without any distractions.

 

I remember that I came across this site when my ex broke up with me. A whole new world opened up to me. I met some great people on here that were in the same position as me: Going through day 1 of the break up. My story was different from all the stories out here… At least, that is what I thought. Boy, was I wrong. So many unknown faces, but with all a similar connection; our broken hearts and torn down future roads. I wasn’t alone.

 

I remember seeing people going through a lot of heart ache. I felt for them and wished they would get over their hurt. But let’s not get carried away here…

 

I read about people and their NC adventure. Currently I am 1 year ‘NC’. But I don’t want to call it that way. I have changed, I have changed so much. I see a break up as a crucial part in a person’s life. It’s a wonderful learning opportunity. An epiphany people shouldn’t miss out on. A chance to be the best you can be. Life is an adventure.

 

I see people struggling with NC. I know it’s tough. But it is worth sticking to it. Being here my first day I noticed people going NC for 5 months, 8 months and so on and I couldn’t imagine how that must feel. But now I do. I am glad I have come so far without breaking NC. I am proud of who I became during that period. So stick with it if you are reading this and are struggling with it. It’s for you and you only.

 

But yeah. It happened. I got an e-mail from my ex. I read it and she asked how I was doing. I didn’t feel a lot at the time. I didn’t felt more powerful or happy. I felt indecisive, maybe even a bit bothered by it. It’s funny how things work in life and in relationships. The first few months I hoped for her to come back, but after a while I realized I am completely fine without her. I am happy.

 

I haven’t decided if I will write her back or not, but that doesn’t matter. I know my values and I will probably write her something in the lines of; ‘Thanks for thinking about me and taking the opportunity to write me, but I would appreciate for you to not contact me anymore’.

 

You know, it is not about ‘the’ right thing to do, because there isn’t one. It’s about the way you perceive life and want to live your life with your own set of values. Be strong and proud of the way you want to live your life. Each person is different so a set of rules usually don’t apply; but think smart and don’t let your heart carry you away too much.

 

Be free of worrying, doubt, being sorry, insecurities and so on. Just enjoy yourself.

 

I wrote this because I became ‘the guy who’s ex contacted him again after NC’; something I always dreamed of being. But now that I finally am, I don’t give a damn. In time you will feel the same and it’s probably better for you that they never contact you again. You could try again if they want a second chance, but like we all know; A broken mirror will always show its cracks. Take your time. Take time to improve yourself. Don’t get involved to quick with the opposite sex. You want to be ‘complete’ before you involve with another person.

 

Stay strong. I have some troubles with my PM function, so if you want to talk, you could try sending me your e-mail and I will get back to you. If I don’t respond, your PM didn’t arrive.

Edited May 9, 2011 by Thierro

[silvermane187]

Good read, thanks for sharing.

[Thierro]

No problem

 

Oh, Btw; indecisive= indifference

[ResetReality]

Fantastic attitude bud!

 

:love:

 

I joined shortly after i got dumped, June 2010, i cant believe im on 11 months no contact!

[Thierro]

Fantastic attitude bud!

 

:love:

 

I joined shortly after i got dumped, June 2010, i cant believe im on 11 months no contact!

 

How are you doing thus far?

[kaldo]

Thanks for coming back and sharing with us

[bl22]

Great post, very nice to read thanks

[Thierro]

I figured you would like to read my response to her E-mail, so here it goes.

 

This is what she wrote to me;

 

Hey you,

 

It took me some time figuring out if I should write you this or not, but as you can see; I decided to do so. I wanted to ask how you are doing? Some months back I contacted your brother and one of your friends, but they both said to contact you if I wanted to know how you were doing. I understand if you don’t want to reply to this en I hope this doesn’t rub you the wrong way.

 

Have a good weekend,

 

-Me

 

Hey you,

 

I don’t have any reasons to ignore your mail. I don’t hold any grudge or other negative feelings towards you. You wrote the email because you thought it would be the right thing to do. I respect that and I have always respected and appreciated our relationship.

 

But from my own point of view, there isn’t any room to start a fresh page of small talk. The history we wrote together consists of a strong bond of connectedness, respect, communication, passion, challenge and a chance to develop ourselves and our relationship in various colorful and vibrant ways.

 

For me personally I don’t want to re-open the possibility of small obsolete fragments of contact or build a new friendship with you. I like my memory of the two of us already written in stone; powerful and exciting.

 

Enjoy yourself and your life…

 

- A fun memory

 

Like I said before; You need to show compassion. Don't hold anything against people in general especially people that were a big part of your past. Everything that has happened in your life has shaped you the way you are right now. Be grateful of that. It’s not about ultimate power over yourself, the world and other human beings. It’s about inner peace, forgiveness, experience and growth.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Thierro

[LittleMike]

I wish i could be in your shoes, i'm 11 months since the BU and 6 months of very small LC. We don't speak at all but she tries to act all crazy and get my attention in person while hanging out... Fun thread to read, loved your response to her letter.

[2011]

Hi Thierro

 

I am starting to gain the attitude you have now about your ex contacting you - indifferent. For months, until even recently, I would frantically pick up the phone any time it pinged a text or got a sinking feeling every time a new mail or FB message arrived thinking it was her.

 

Now I realised that I should not be looking for validation from someone else least of all my EX, and it is so true that your life is a product of the people meet and experiences you have and being with my ex was just one of them. I do not see her ever playing the role of a GF again, I do not mind being civil, it has been 5 months now since we properly spoke, a few online mundane chats and that is it.

 

She may or may not contact and now I am happy with that and I have met someone else so I need to experience this new person too in this chapter of my life. It is funny how the tables turn and you become indifferent after so long of being so desperate to hear from them. It's a valuable lesson learned and I guess what you can take away from it is not to be dependent on other people for the achievement of your goals or happiness. I really feel now that I have changed my attitude to wanting a nice girl in my life but not needing a girl or for them them to validate me and make me at one with myself, I have a higher purpose in life and only I can achieve that through a healthy RL with my own self.

 

I feel so much more mature and grown up after going through the utter hell I went through, it is true you come out the other end a new person.

 

2011

Edited May 12, 2011 by 2011

[mickleb]

I see a break up as a crucial part in a person’s life. It’s a wonderful learning opportunity. An epiphany people shouldn’t miss out on. A chance to be the best you can be. Life is an adventure.

 

Love this, Thierro.

 

I knew you would be fine from the moment I read one of your posts. LoveShack needs the strength and nobility of individuals like you.

 

Thanks for the superb update.

 

x

[Thierro]

She wrote back;

 

‘A lot of words, though they tell me nothing. But I understand what you mean and want. For me it was just a onetime thing to know how you were doing. Just genuine interest. Oh well, good luck in the future.

 

-Just a few fun memories’

 

I hope this is an example for those in NC. If your heart isn’t in the right place, breaking NC will probably break you apart. Even if your ex contacts you. You can only face them when you REALLY feel and know that you have moved on from the past and hurt.

 

I have a big smile on my face, I feel great and I feel like the man I want to be.

 

2011:

 

You have the right attitude towards life and your own feelings. Hold on to those feelings and also; don’t fool yourself. I had periods of time in the past where I felt great and thought I was over her, but the same night I would cry my eyes out. Get to know yourself in this period of your life. Be good to yourself.

 

LittleMike:

 

Just let her go. She doesn’t do you any good. You can’t begin a new chapter when the past stays intertwined. It’s good to know that people don’t do the things they do because of you, but because themselves and their own perspectives and reactions to their own feelings. Let them be and let’s hope they will learn to have a more respectful attitude towards other people, especially the ones they loved. We shouldn’t hold it against them.

 

mickleb:

 

Thank you for the kind words. How are the things going for you at the moment? The memories will always leave a smile. I’m thankful that I am able to feel so much emotions. It gives us the opportunity to do great things.

 

The end.

[heartbroken555]

hey Thierro

 

i read all your post, the one you wrote last yr when you just got dumped.

the one you wrote about science vs true love and finaly this post.

 

I must say, i am now exctly at the same position that you were in last year. Im heartbroken, and some days i feel like im getting over it, and then i realise, i have a long way to go. Like you, i was completly in love and i wonder if i will ever find that same connection with someone else. she was everything i wanted and she was so sweet to me. after the break up she completly changed, began to party all the time, flirt with guys, go clubbing dressing really sexy and she became such a bitch, so cold. as if what we had meant nothing to her. she said she just doesnt love me anymore. But i dont get it, she used to be crazy about me just weeks prior to the break up....

anyways, i still hope for her to realise the mistake she has done, be cause im a hell of a guy, i got the looks, the personality, and i have a HUGE heart. My situation is a bit different because it did not last 5yrs, only 1yr and a couple of month. but it hurts as hell.

I do wish for her to realise her mistakes, and come back crying and begging for me to take her back. But i know her, she is hardheaded and will never do that. I asked her not to contact me anymore, and maybe one day i wuld contact her.

 

im already a changed person, its been 4 month since thebreak up, i have lost weight, i have been eating healthy, and changed my clothing style and dress alot better and i also quit smoking weed. I wish she could see all that...

 

After reading your last post, i wonder whats going to happen to me, if she ever one day decides to break no contact...

i wonder how you had the power and courage to just tell her you didnt wish to keep in contact.

 

the way i feel right now, is if even in 1yr she would contact me, i would still be interested in making it work, but at the same time, i dont know if she wold deserve me after all that change and growth. I dont know if i could ever trust her again....

 

I wonder if i will ever reach this point like you, where i will be indifferent, or if i will still be her friend and hope to get back with her...

I have been in NC for 1 month now, and i feel alot better, but im still hurt..

[Thierro]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings; I respect that.

 

Good to hear that you lost weight, eat healthy, quit smoking weed and that you have changed your wardrobe. I bet you walk the streets like John Travolta in ‘Saturday night fever’. Any change in behavior is progress and something to feel proud about.

 

You have already realized that your story sounds like mine; Crazy in love, out of nowhere she breaks up with you, she’s acting like you are some sort of stranger and goes cold on you, she’s out partying as if she has finally broke free from an emotional prison yadda yadda yadda.. You on the other hand are heartbroken and are left behind to recollect the pieces…

 

What I can sense from your post, is that you are looking for validation from other people. You do the things you do to make others happy and when they are happy, you will be happy too. Does this sound familiar to you? I do believe that this was/is the dynamic between you and your ex.

 

Expecting something back for what you give is called a covert contract. For example; when a person say’s ‘I love you’ to their spouses, they will feel rejected when they don’t say it back to them. Or when you try to be polite, hold open a door for someone and expect them to say ‘thank you’. When they don’t you feel angry or disrespected.

 

I believe you have been caught in a life revolved around trying to please your ex and making her happy while forgetting about yourself and your own needs as a man. By being needy or by conveying these covert contracts, you will lower your value and attractiveness. It’s not always about you when people react a certain way, keep that in mind.

“I do wish for her to realize her mistakes, and come back crying and begging for me to take her back.”

 

This tells me that your worth as a human being is depending on another person. In the past I myself have felt like a chameleon; Always changing my colors so that people would like me. During the relationship with my ex, I was always trying to please her. I actually never enjoyed myself and I was always insecure about everything I did. I had a hard time enjoying sex, just because I was trying too much to please her.

 

I am a firm believer in the self-fulfilling prophecy. Insecurities are self-destructive. You need to find a clear mind where you have set up the right boundaries and values for yourself. Never ever put yourself down or let people cross those boundaries. Love yourself.

 

Let things be. We live in a society where it’s normal that you have a partner in life. Being ‘single’ is almost seen as a condition; it’s not. You can be perfectly happy without a man or woman in your life. Find your own happiness and be proud of the way YOU want to live this life. I realized that there is no time to be insecure, hold any grudges towards people.

 

Everything in life has an origin. Everything a person does or say has a history. You can’t hold anything against them. I don’t believe that an interpretation of something that is negative has also a negative origin. Insecurities, hurt, ignorance are probably the main seed that has the possibility to grow into negative emotions and doings as a result. That's why you need to feel compassionate. Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.

 

I do the things I do because I got fed up with society, media, science telling me things. There is no person in the world that really knows what the reason behind life is.

 

Be creative and start creating and end life with a smile and gratitude for experiencing everything.

 

Again; There’s no need to be insecure or have doubts or feel pain. Life and want is ever-changing. Respect that.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Thierro

[Username37]

Good read bro. Its nice to see you feeling like money now. Im almost at a year since my breakup (may16) and ive been on NC since june. Ive been doing better. Getting ready for college and been working out. Ive also been seeing someone. Although im angry at my ex. I feel like i want to call her or pull her aside and yell at her. Did you ever have this feeling?

[Thierro]

Nice to see that you are doing better too. Does working out help you with the anger?

 

You started dating, how is that working out for you? Do you think you have healed enough to sustain a proper attitude towards yourself and the new girl?

 

To answer your question;

 

I’ve been very angry towards the whole situation. I couldn’t believe that my ex could do something like that to me. I hated every human being on the face of this planet- except for you guys - and I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with them. But I took a good look at myself, realized I could do fine without a girl. I used the anger to better myself. Not only my personality and outlook on life, but also my piano en guitar playing, eating more healthy, reading, studying etc. So instead of poring it out on my ex, I used the anger more productively.

 

I also started to see the goodness in other people. I softened up. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. And as I wrote in the previous post, I tried to see the positives in all the negatives. This really makes a tremendous difference. I Made new friends. Having a positive energy attracts people. I try to enjoy myself and people seem to like that. Girls are more interested in me, but I don’t feel like starting a new relationship ( I don’t want to start something with a girl just for fun or sex). I want to be just me for a while. Figuring the things out for myself.

 

Sure, sometimes I do miss the intensity of a relationship; holding hands, deep conversations, getting to know each other.. But that’s fine. I don’t desperately need it to feel ok.

[mickleb]

Hi Thierro.

 

I'm very good thanks. I'm preparing to travel the world teaching English. Have made lots of positive changes in my life, recently.

 

I notice some people are asking you for advice on their own situations. They are wise to.

 

 

Take care.

 

x

[Thierro]

Thank you for your kind words. Travelling the world teaching English, that sounds incredible. If you ever go to Holland, let me know; I’d love an English speed course and talk about the great adventures you had so far while enjoying a drink together

 

Good to know you are chasing your dreams. I admire that. I hope you’ll keep us posted.

 

Take care, mickleb

[Iselia]

Thierro, I remember you were on this board around the same time I was hurting. You guys, my ex also contacted me around 11 months NC. She texted me asking how I was. I didn't answer and I changed my phone number. I can certainly concur with Thierro here that contact from the ex doesn't mean much.

 

I'm so glad so see you're in such a better place Thierro. It's nice to see when some of the LS gang heals.

[Sugarkane]

Hi I enjoyed your post. I'm also almost up to 1 year of NC. I haven't heard from my ex even once and I doubt he ever will. My exes personality is extremely selfish and arrogant. He also dumped me in a really callous way for absolutely no reason. I was shocked and devasted that someone would do a 180 on me and blame it on me. He also poisoned everyone against me, if getting dumped wasn't bad enough!

 

I'd be surprised if he ever contacts me ever. 2 weeks after we brokeup I saw him already with another girl. He sure didn't waste anytime! I did everything right and never begged, called or contacted. Yet he abused me through texts. I still have no idea why he did what he did. And somehow managed to make everyone be on his side. I was severely depressed. I hope he screws them all over, if they're too stupid not to see his BS.

 

Its still hard for me to be cynical about it. This guy stringed me along and lied to me that we'd have a future together. If he ever contacts me, I'd think i'd also change my number aswell. Nothing could make this right ever again.

[timchambo]

She wrote back;

 

‘A lot of words, though they tell me nothing. But I understand what you mean and want. For me it was just a onetime thing to know how you were doing. Just genuine interest. Oh well, good luck in the future.

 

-Just a few fun memories’

 

She sounds a bit bitter, no?

 

Good read all around. Came here today because I am a bit down today. This helped a little. 4 1/2 months have shown me there will be brighter days ahead..and then back to this. Can't wait for these ups and downs to end.

[Thierro]

Timchambo; I have no idea what was going through her mind and heart the moment she read my reply back to her. Bitterness, sadness, anger, maybe absolutely nothing; who knows. People have their own interpretation when it comes to non-verbal communication like letters and e-mails. The only one who truly knows for sure is my ex.

 

I didn’t feel the need to overanalyze what she said, because it doesn’t really matter. I did reply something in the lines of;

 

‘Hey you,

 

I’m glad that we still respect each other and that we can be honest about the way we feel. Thank you for the good wishes. Good night and sleep tight.

 

-Me’

 

Good to see you, Iselia. Maybe I’m imagining it, but it looks like a lot of exes are breaking NC the last couple of weeks. A lot of posts about exes breaking NC pop up in the breaking up and coping forum. Maybe the spring has something to do with it.

 

Sugarkane; It’s a terrible feeling when they do a 180 on you. The one you loved, shared your life with, your thoughts and heart completely turn you down like you are just a stranger on the street. The look in their eyes changes, making you feel scared, empty and a waste of space. You want to hold them, but they want to push you away.You don't need people like that.

 

I could go on for a while, but that’s the best thing of it all; we have shared a similar emotion. There is a connection between you and me and all the other posters, even though we don’t really know each other. We need to enjoy, appreciate and embrace that feeling. It makes us stronger.

 

You need to be your own best friend, because he/she will always watch your back and be there for you when you take good care of them.

 

Some think she’ll come back with another bag of breadcrumbs. I don’t. Time will fade the memories and replace them with new ones.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Thierro