Scattered emotions & anxieties with LDR

[coquii]

Hey all. Long time lurker, first time poster. (: At the time of writing this I have been in a LDR for about five months.

 

I met my BF through an online game about three years ago, give or take. After getting to know each other we both started to develop feelings but I had a boyfriend and I ultimately had to cut contact with him because I refused to explore those feelings being that I was with somebody else. Although my current relationship was on the rocks we were trying to work things out and I was intent on staying as faithful as possible until one of us decided to split - that's just how I am. I feel like if I'd cheat FOR you I'd cheat ON you. It was tough for both of us but we cut most contact for almost a year to the day.

 

Over the course of the next year we had the occasional "Hope things are well" text message once a month or so. I was able to forget him in my mind but not in my heart and he the same. Some things in both of our personal lives came up where we needed a shoulder to lean on and always found ourselves coming back to each other. We regained contact at the beginning of fall and became good friends again with the intentions of keeping the romantic feelings out of it. He was always a gentleman and a good friend with such a big heart.

 

Ultimately the ex-boyfriend and I separated and my friend and I agreed on becoming "single but not available to others" because I didn't want to jump into a relationship that quickly. I had just come out of a 3 1/2 year LDR that I felt unsatisfied with and swore to myself I would never do again. Two months later we were official.

 

The first two months together were a total dream. He was so excited to meet my family and wanted to come see me several times the first month we were together (he lives 1000 miles away) but I felt it was too soon and told him no. We agreed on a specified date where I would come see him since he could no longer take off work to come here and we set our sights on it. Eventually our relationship took the "comfortable" turn and things started feeling different. Instead of spending most of his time with me (over phone, internet, webcam, etc.) he began hanging out with his friends again. He was no longer the sweet, interesting, attentive and charming guy that had been chasing me for two years... he was distracted and dull, to be honest. I began feeling insecure because of the sudden lack of interest. The two hour phone calls turned into ten minutes because I felt bored talking about the same worn out topics mostly relating to games or television. (I am a gamer but find it difficult to only talk about games with my significant other - I feel life with them is much more than that.) I considered splitting up with him because I realized I didn't want the distance like my last relationship and was thinking that maybe the person I fell in love with was just an act.

 

We made it through hard times and circumstances came up where I was not able to fly out to see him the first time - that left me a total wreck. I spent the weekend in a deep depressive rut while he found solace in his games and friends and was able to quickly get over it. We scheduled a second date for me to fly to see him and through ups and major downs (on my part) we met two weeks ago. I was still feeling bitter and unsure if I wanted to meet him for the first time but when standing in line waiting to board the airplane I finally felt like it was the right thing to do. Meeting him was a double edged sword.

 

It took an entire day to feel completely comfortable with him in person as I did over the computer but once it hit I had never had such a huge feeling of elation and love in my entire life. I will spare the details but those seven days were hands down the best I have ever spent. It was an extremely emotional goodbye from both sides and it was hard to adjust going back to a life without the other person being physically beside you - even if just for a week, it felt like a lifetime. Because of this I am having trouble coping being without him now.

 

He no longer wants to visit here (which is a stark transition of how he felt four months previous) and wants me to move in with him as soon as I can. He said there is no discussing him moving here because it is just not an option to consider. He says he misses me as much as I miss him but all I see him doing is going back to normalcy with his games and friends and I sit here and run "what-if's" through my mind about our future together. My entire family is here plus my job which I am unhappy with but it is a good paying job in this sour economy. It finally came to a head last night when I confessed I missed being physically together and couldn't last through the LDR. My anxiety is out the roof because of it. He got very upset but said he had his reasons why he couldn't come be with me (leaving his friends, mostly, but said there's nothing to do here, no jobs and I wouldn't be any happier with my job just because he's there) but that he wanted to make it last. I told him I wish he'd vocalize his emotions with me more because it leaves me feeling like it doesn't affect him. This caused a huge argument and ended with the comment "When you're upset you make it hard for me to hang out with my friends because my fun is ruined."

 

I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed with two sides of my emotions - my intense feelings for him and wanting to make it last and my impatience with not being together and the unknown of when I will see him again. I have been upset nearly every day since I came back and he always makes the comment of how he wants the "old me" back. This puts pressure on me because I feel like if I'm not the old, "take no s***t from anybody" me then he's going to leave me - not the new me that's an emotional wreck who can't wait until the day that I see him again. How do I deal with this? I truly want to be with him but my emotions are literally scattered all over the place. I have trouble communicating and would rather keep it bottled up, but he knows when I'm bothered and is offended when I don't want to talk about it.

[heartcore]

first of all... that was wayyyy too long of a post.

 

second... most LDR are test right after spending physical time together. having to adjust to not being together again is rough. I've know couples that had split up right after seeing each other because they couldn't deal with the distance.

 

My fiancée and I takes a good 2-4 weeks to adjust. We would bicker about small things and somehow even when we still make time for each other it feels like we don't have enough of each others attention because we're so happy being together all the time not too long ago. We don't lose each other because we know that we truly love each other and plan to live the rest of our lives together.

 

Quit focusing on the distance... it will drive you nuts. When you miss him, do something for him instead. Send pictures of things you do through out the day. Write him a love letter (not email) and mail it to him. Send his a little gift package of things that made you think of him. That's what my fiancée and I do. Refocus yourself and you'll be okay.

[d0rk]

first of all... that was wayyyy too long of a post.

.

 

Don't be so critical, nothing is too long .... they felt the need to share what was in their head and there is no cap on what length or depth that has to go into.

 

LDR's are hard work there is no doubt that they require more effort than usual relationships.

 

You have to be patient and get creative, web cam dates are an awesome idea and try to maintain contact as much as possible like taking photos, IM's etc. Physical touches are also a good idea, heartcore gave some good advice send letters or little gifts you think your SO may like.

 

You must remember things won't always run smoothly what relationship does, but if you're commited to make it work it will. Distance is NOT an obstical merely an added extra you have to work around.

 

Good luck in your relationship, I sincerely wish you the best!

[coquii]

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To all who need the TL;DR version of original above post:

 

Known boyfriend online as friends for about two years & started dating about 5 months ago and things were perfect, everything seemed to fall into place, etc. then he started becoming distant and conversations didn't feel so engaging and began spending all of his time on a video game. I finally held out and we met in person and I'm ever so sure I want to be with him now but it feels like we're drifting farther apart. I'm the only one making an effort in planning trips (he works VERY part time, I am full time yet I am the one having to take off from my job to see him as he won't come here or says it will be several months before he can take time off and save money to make the trip here despite spending all of his money and time on recreation and things for entertainment)

 

--------------------

 

Thanks to you both for the reply! I do admit I have a tendency to elaborate because I'm afraid of leaving out a detail and people are like "What?! This makes no sense!" so I just try to include EVERYTHING.. So my apologies.

 

My anxiety is getting worse and worse by the day.

 

We are set to meet again in about four weeks but I'm having a hard time coping. I'm not so sure if it's the distance anymore as much as the change in his behavior in such a short period of time. Our intimacy has greatly declined (nearly stopped) since meeting and upon asking I was given the response that it reminds him of when we were in person and it makes him upset. Intimacy is important in my relationship as was his when we first became a couple. I don't believe he is cheating on me but it does raise concerns on why he does not feel the need to be with me in this way as he did before.

 

He bought me a webcam when we first started dating so we could see each other. He would nearly beg me to get on it and chat with him. Now he doesn't like to use it, saying that if we see each other on it all of the time it takes away the magic of it. I have since stopped suggesting it and doubt he will ever suggest to see me on it again.

 

He still calls me every day and texts but the conversations still feel empty. He tells me constantly that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life but I'm having trouble believing it because of my current feelings right now, I guess. We had a talk about my depression and he said I needed to get over it without the use of medicine and that I cause it to myself so I need to stop it myself..

 

Has anybody ever experienced this before? How something so good could just turn so quickly?

[creighton0123]

You need to communicate with him and discuss expectations on communication. I mean... if you always engage in communication it is better to know that you will always engage instead of him.

 

The webcam excuse is BS. Maybe he's insecure about the way he looks and doesn't want to project over webcam all the time.

 

Is he introverted?

 

I hate to say this, but after a while, things to talk about become less and less in both a relationship and an LDR. There's often really not that much new to say... hence my suggesting that the two of you get in the habit of leaving a video chat open just for the sake of having it open and simulating a shared space.

 

There are only so many times one can talk about how your day was when your day is pretty much the same (wake up, shower, work, eat, come home, eat, sleep).

[Pianiste]

I guess it can be hard to find things to talk about when the person you're having the conversations with does nothing but work a part-time job, play video games and hang with friends. Especially if you don't really feel like talking about games, which is fine of course, but it doesn't leave much else. I don't know how much time he spends on video games but would you say it is a healthy amount? He could very well be stuck in this pattern of his that you were able to break only for a short while, probably because all was new and exciting, before he fell right back into it.

 

I guess the best you can do is have a talk with him about your expectations and how you feel about the way it goes. Tell him how you feel about not webcamming anymore, the loss of intimacy, the empty feeling and your doubts. He also doesn't sound very understanding and a bit selfish. Saying how you make it hard for him to hang with his friends when you are upset, how he wants the "old you" back and that he isn't even going to consider moving closer to you because of all the benefits staying in the same place have for him. Saying those kind of things to you while you are having problems with a depression is very inconsiderate of him.

 

Also don't let him tell you how to handle your depression. You're the one that suffers the most from it so it really is up to you. Saying that you caused it to yourself so you should be able to fix it yourself is a very naive way of looking at a depression and can be dangerous. Have a talk with somebody who is qualified to help you, there are other ways besides medication as well.

[FrostFire]

I'm curious... Is this game you met through by chance called World of Warcraft? Your post sounds an awful a lot like one of my online gaming friends. Perhaps you're that friend. Anyways, it sounds like to me you're the one that's putting forth all the effort and eventually you are going to burn out and explode on him. If he's not willing to do anything then I'm afraid it won't work. There needs to be balance in your relationship and there isn't any balance if one is doing more work than the other.

Edited May 26, 2011 by FrostFire

[FrostFire]

The first two months together were a total dream.

They usually are in any relationship. It's what is called the Honeymoon and courtship phase.

He was so excited to meet my family and wanted to come see me several times the first month we were together (he lives 1000 miles away) but I felt it was too soon and told him no.

Yeah it was too soon and perhaps a red flag telling you he was interested in "seeing" you. More like how well you can satisfy him... never mind you get the idea.

 

Eventually our relationship took the "comfortable" turn and things started feeling different.

Yes, they always do that should be no surprise really. That should be expected in any relationship so that's good.

 

Instead of spending most of his time with me (over phone, internet, webcam, etc.) he began hanging out with his friends again.

Look you two spent most of your time talking and talked so much it got boring because there was nothing to talk about anymore. None of you were a mystery anymore nor was there anything new to learn about one another. The spark died. Now it's debatable if there were some things that could have kept you together. You didn't mention if you teased him sexually. Make no mistake that does play a part in holding interest. I'm going to assume you did though.

 

He was no longer the sweet, interesting, attentive and charming guy that had been chasing me for two years

What's there to chase? Except a woman that has promised to see him on a specified date. He was more than likely anxious and patiently waiting. At the same time, he was holding in how he really felt because he really couldn't change the situation.

he was distracted and dull, to be honest.

Oops, he decides to go about living his life because there's no reason to be constantly chatting anymore when there's nothing to chat about because you all know so much about each other. Your mistake was spending sooooo much time talking in the beginning. (Limit yourself to 1 hour at most). He was distracted because the more he thought about how he couldn't have you the more it frustrated himself not being able to change the situation.

I began feeling insecure because of the sudden lack of interest.

While it is no surprise he lost interest since you two were really just letting days pass until you could see each other, the communication of issues between was not there. It appears he's holding a LOT of frustration inside and not telling you how he really feels. Back on topic, perhaps you should work on your insecurities when someone isn't giving you the "expected" attention you want. This is more of a YOU issue.

 

The two hour phone calls turned into ten minutes because I felt bored talking about the same worn out topics mostly relating to games or television. (I am a gamer but find it difficult to only talk about games with my significant other - I feel life with them is much more than that.)

Then perhaps you should have told him this or done something about it. Is it possible you were bored with him because he wasn't giving you the attention that you once had and you wanted that back? You can't expect him to be a mind reader. Communicate dag nabbit!

 

I considered splitting up with him because I realized I didn't want the distance like my last relationship and was thinking that maybe the person I fell in love with was just an act.

Maybe he felt the same. Unfortunately, he held it in and didn't communicate it to you. Which sucks for you because that's what led you into all of those feelings of insecurity.

 

We made it through hard times and circumstances came up where I was not able to fly out to see him the first time - that left me a total wreck. I spent the weekend in a deep depressive rut while he found solace in his games and friends and was able to quickly get over it.

That sucks for you. A broken promise with "circumstances" coming up. Perhaps he was already expecting that though. Perhaps he's already gotten hurt like that in the past and wasn't banking on you following through your first date together. I don't know because he isn't communicating any of this to you so we're left guessing and it's not fair. If he was any kind of man though he would understand and accept it that "stuff" happens. Or will he? Does a man have to really put up with that? Not really. There are so many others. But you know what? He did put up with it. And you want to know how he avoided taking anti-depressants? He played his game as his treatment, which took his mind off everything. Good for him.

 

Again, this is more of a YOU issue and it's okay to get or ask for help. You have to understand how you're feeling in certain situations and nip those insecurities in the butt or they will engulf you.

 

We scheduled a second date for me to fly to see him and through ups and major downs (on my part) we met two weeks ago. I was still feeling bitter and unsure if I wanted to meet him for the first time but when standing in line waiting to board the airplane I finally felt like it was the right thing to do. Meeting him was a double edged sword.

You sound like a very emotional (up & down) lady and this is okay. You're going to have to understand though that some guys don't know how to deal with this the way you want or the image you have in your head this very moment expecting them to. I know you'd like for him to kiss, hug, and give you a shoulder rub as he comforts you. His behavior is just the opposite of what you want so you need to understand this very fact.

 

It took an entire day to feel completely comfortable with him in person as I did over the computer but once it hit I had never had such a huge feeling of elation and love in my entire life. I will spare the details but those seven days were hands down the best I have ever spent.

Of course they were! Nothing beats being with a real human being and the touch is like electric!! Again, LDR's are very hard for this very reason which is why it's suggested to get webcam etc... Turns out you were making a bigger deal out of nothing because of your insecurities. Again, that's not to say I don't believe the way he is acting is entirely appropriate... No... You definitely need to work on communicating better so little things don't turn into bigger and bigger things, leading to a near breakup.

 

He no longer wants to visit here (which is a stark transition of how he felt four months previous) and wants me to move in with him as soon as I can. He said there is no discussing him moving here because it is just not an option to consider.

Can you handle living with an unemotional, irrational, and controlling guy? Expect to be controlled by this guy like none other. My advice is runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

 

He says he misses me as much as I miss him but all I see him doing is going back to normalcy with his games and friends and I sit here and run "what-if's" through my mind about our future together.

Talk is cheap and actions speak a hell of a lot more then cheap garbage talk. It's time to disappear and let him find you. You're making yourself way to available for him. Might be hard for you since you're the one with an issue of insecurity when he's not contacting you. Can you disappear?

 

My entire family is here plus my job which I am unhappy with but it is a good paying job in this sour economy. It finally came to a head last night when I confessed I missed being physically together and couldn't last through the LDR. My anxiety is out the roof because of it. He got very upset but said he had his reasons why he couldn't come be with me (leaving his friends, mostly, but said there's nothing to do here, no jobs and I wouldn't be any happier with my job just because he's there) but that he wanted to make it last.

Let this guy go. It's all about him and no part is there about you. He's just leading you on and on and on a path of emotional hurt and who really gives a **** what he can't do. Then he doesn't deserve you. **** HIM!!

 

I told him I wish he'd vocalize his emotions with me more because it leaves me feeling like it doesn't affect him. This caused a huge argument and ended with the comment "When you're upset you make it hard for me to hang out with my friends because my fun is ruined."

Again, can you see yourself living with this type of guy? It's time you get over him sooner rather than later. There are much better guys waiting to have you if you allow them that chance. They may be just down the street from you!

 

I have trouble communicating and would rather keep it bottled up, but he knows when I'm bothered and is offended when I don't want to talk about it.

Break up with this guy and spare yourself the emotional pain. However, I strongly recommend before dragging a guy into your next relationship that you work out your insecurities and communication barriers. Read some books. Google some advice. Seek professional if you want (not really necessary).

[Lucky_One]

Bottom line, if you were my child, and if you had only been dating some guy for 5 months, and if you were planning on moving in with some guy who didn't even make the effort to come meet your family, I'd flip.

 

You barely know him. And you obviously don't know him well enough to move in with him.

 

Continue communicating your needs and wants to him, and keep visiting and talking every day. He is way too complacent, and doesn't appear to want to put any effort into the R.

[coquii]

Thanks for replies again, all.

 

The webcam excuse is BS. Maybe he's insecure about the way he looks and doesn't want to project over webcam all the time.

 

Is he introverted?

 

Yes, absolutely introverted but never had a problem with his appearance when it came to me. He always said he didn't like the way he looked but felt that I loved him enough to make him secure about me seeing him on webcam and in real life. And it's true - I love him for the man he is (was?) and not just solely on his appearance. Maybe i'm just holding on too tight to the guy he used to be who begged me to get on the camera every night just to see me. As of today it's been 2 1/2 weeks since we've been on and I refuse to ask because his comment hurt me too bad. Maybe I'm too sensitive, too.

 

I don't know how much time he spends on video games but would you say it is a healthy amount? He could very well be stuck in this pattern of his that you were able to break only for a short while, probably because all was new and exciting, before he fell right back into it.

 

We're both gamers but even I know my limit and when the lines blur from hobby to obsession and when it starts affecting real life issues. I would say his playing is unhealthy and has turned a near full-time job into barely a part-time, though he did just mention to me last night that he was going to cool it on the games for a while..not sure if that was due to my concern or his boredom but I guess I can't complain.

 

I'm curious... Is this game you met through by chance called World of Warcraft? Your post sounds an awful a lot like one of my online gaming friends. Perhaps you're that friend.

 

That's how we met! But we both quit over a year and a half ago and are on a new game now. Did they solve their problem? If so, how? I'm very curious. Also, thank you so much for the extensive post. I realize that I made mistakes early on in the relationship and was just hoping it wasn't too late to turn them around.

 

Bottom line, if you were my child, and if you had only been dating some guy for 5 months, and if you were planning on moving in with some guy who didn't even make the effort to come meet your family, I'd flip.

 

My family has voiced the same opinion and I have backed off the idea of moving so quickly. They call this relationship a "no brainer" and say I truly know what I need to do to make me happy but when I think about it I fall apart. I think about the way he looked at me, the way his touch felt..and I tell myself I can't end the relationship.

 

Some strange things happened over the weekend. I've become suspicious that he's started lying to me about things. It's not what he lied about but the fact that he's lying which bothers me a lot. Being that I work during the week I get exhausted at night and can't stay up on the weekends. I made a conscious effort on Sunday night to stay up and hang out online with my boyfriend but suddenly without warning he decides (rather early on into his normal night) that he got hit with a wave of sleepy and needed to go to bed. "You can stay up but I'm going to go to bed." I thought that this was very strange behavior from somebody who sleeps during the day and stays up all night but I went to bed anyway and got up around my normal time thinking he'd be up as well.

 

He was unusually distant that morning when I sent him text messages so I just figured I'd wait for him to come around and start talking to me instead. After 5 hours I got tired of waiting and called him and he answered very enthusiastically and said he was going to get some food before we did something together.. another hour passes without hearing from him. He finally calls and by this time I've become upset because I started thinking about the reasons why he's been distant from me today and if he lied to me last night. He normally can't sleep more than 5 hours and this was typical behavior when he has been sleeping and is pretending to be awake when responding to my text messages. I don't bring up my suspicions and we talk for a little while and get into a conversation about finding activities to do that seems to upset him. He said he needs my help thinking of things to do together and I speak up about him not wanting to do things I suggest like sync movies together, webcam, etc. and how I won't mention them anymore. This sets him off and he gets very angry and raises his voice at me saying that I'm attacking him and how he can't do anything right. I stayed very calm and said I'm sorry he thought I was attacking him but it was not intended to be this way at all and just discussing things with him that were on my mind because he told me I don't need to keep things in or have secrets with him. He continues to get angrier and I said I was going to let him go and we hung up.

 

He then texts me his frustrations and I know we're not supposed to carry out important conversations over text message I just didn't feel like arguing over the phone and the break from receiving texts gives me a chance to gather my thoughts and not say something I don't mean. After going back and forth a bit and things slightly calming down he asks if he can call and speak for a minute but I was busy at the moment and told him I'd call him back as soon as I could. He said not to worry about it and that he was going to help a family member with something and we'd talk about it later on that night. We ended up sending a few texts over the next few hours about what he's helping the family member do and how the instructions are bad, etc.

 

We're finally able to catch up that night and I ask what he wanted to talk about - "Um I can't remember it must not have been important" he says. I say, "Well, it sounded important earlier.." "It wasn't, probably just wanted to talk or something". So I don't press the issue. His dad walks in during our conversation and he sets the phone down for a minute to give his dad a hand and I hear him tell his dad he'd been at his friend's house playing video games all day and he'd been hanging out there every night. When he takes the phone back I say "You went to *friend*'s house today?" and he says "no, I was talking about going tomorrow to see him." I tell him "You know I don't have any issues at all with you hanging out with your friends, right?" and he said "Yes I know that."

 

Why would he lie to me about that, then? I knew something was suspicious when he went to bed early and couldn't seem to get up and around the next day but he lied to me about it. If I ask he gets angry, if I don't ask my thoughts take over and I start wonder what else he's lying to me about...I can think of a few things I would be very disappointed at finding out were the truth when he said they weren't.

 

Sigh. How do I approach somebody who thinks I'm attacking him when I'm just trying civilly talk about issues?

[TMichaels]

Back off and make yourself less available. If he doesn't notice then you know where you stand.

 

If he does notice and asks where you've been, tell him you've been busy and leave it at that.

 

Turning the tables sometimes works better than trying to talk about it as some people see an attempt of "talking civilly" as a form of nagging or another's need to know every minute what they're up to as suffocating or an indication that you don't trust them.

 

Let him sit and wonder what you're up to for a bit. If he cares at all, he'll be wondering what in heck is going on instead of taking you so much for granted.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[coquii]

Thank you, TMichaels. I can see how that can be nagging. For me I guess I enjoy a direct approach ("This is not working because of A, B and C.") and sometimes isn't the best for others. I've tried to take a step back but it's been very difficult. It has left me feeling like I worship the ground this guy walks on and that I'm starving for his attention. I keep telling myself that if he really didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be - he wouldn't put up with the depression, constant anxiety, crying, etc. I'm just afraid it will turn him numb to me eventually. When I have an episode he'll mutter things like "This is getting really old..."

 

We talked last night and he said he's worried sick about the way I've been lately. I keep bringing up that I think we'd be better apart and he strongly says "No" every time I do. But then my brain works in overdrive and I start analyzing the tone in his voice and the way he tried to change the subject and I start feeling like it doesn't matter to him - just the things HE wants to talk/think about.

 

Over the last two weeks or so I've become increasingly suspicious of the things he says and does. I've even began to wonder if he really IS at work when he says he is. Some odd situations keeps coming up and it's making me question the validity of it. Even he says "I know it sounds strange, but..." It just doesn't make any sense. How do you trust somebody again? I do not think he is cheating on me but lies are lies any way you sugarcoat them.

 

He was depressed about going to work yesterday so I asked him what he had planned for his future..a career? Schooling? I told him anything he wanted to do he would have my never ending support emotionally, financially, etc. I wanted to help him achieve his dreams and experience a higher quality of life. I told him I would be proud of him if he wanted to shovel sh*t for the rest of his life and it truly made him happy. He said he has no plans beyond stocking shelves (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that but this job makes him miserable) and that he doesn't want to do anything fantastic with his life. He said he basically comes from a family of blue collar workers and doesn't have the ability to go beyond that. I tried to tell him that he can do anything he puts his mind and heart into and never feel like he's anything less than that...the conversation ended with him making excuses about why he doesn't want to amount to anything and left me feeling worse than when we started talking. What I hoped would be encouraging for him dug this dark hole deeper.

 

I have two weeks until I get to see him again and I'm having trouble keeping myself from drowning long enough to make it there. The distance is hurting too bad and I feel neglected but don't want to tell him that. I refused to be the demanding, dramatic, whiney and generally unpleasant girlfriend but in my strong efforts to avoid it.. surprise. Here she is.

[heartshaped]

I wonder if it's the distance so much that is bothering you or is it him. He's lying to you [even if it is about something small], he has completely changed personality, he is making you feel bad about your behavior, and really, I could go on. Even if the two of you weren't long distance these are very real, very huge issues. I think there needs to be some change on his part.

[coquii]

Thanks for the reply, Heartshaped!! I've been told over and over that it's me so honestly I guess I stopped considering that maybe HE has a problem. Any suggestions on how to bring this up? I've said in previous posts that he hates confrontation, but I can't stress it enough - he REALLY hates it. And what if he's telling the truth about everything? Then I sound like a suspicious crazy woman. I hate this.

[heartshaped]

I don't see why there has to be a confrontation. Tell him how he is making you feel. Absolutely, this has to stop. This whole he 'misses the old you' thing and 'you're ruining his fun'. Those are about the most selfish things I have ever heard. He needs to think about your feelings. Is he capable of doing that? His past behavior doesn't suggest as much, but I also get the feeling you are not willing or ready to give up on him.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him how he is making you feel, tell him that you need him to be more considerate of your feelings, and explain to him things the things that you need [more communication, better vocalization of his feelings, etc.]. I'd give it a month and if there isn't any improvement you need to end this relationship. It's unhealthy.

[Lucky_One]

Am curious - you are going to see him in 2 weeks, for the second face-to-face time in your GF/BF relationship. And he refuses to come see you and meet your family.

 

Who pays for you to fly to where he is? And why doesn't he come fly to see you?

[coquii]

Am curious - you are going to see him in 2 weeks, for the second face-to-face time in your GF/BF relationship. And he refuses to come see you and meet your family.

 

Who pays for you to fly to where he is? And why doesn't he come fly to see you?

 

Hi Lucky_One

I pay for the tickets. He said the reason why he can't come see me is because he can't take off work and he doesn't have the money to. Even though he works low hours he said he is afraid to request time off because they will fire him. This second trip was already scheduled shortly after I came back from my original one which is basically how this topic came up and lead me to post on LoveShack.

 

I can't remember if I included this in my original post but we had made plans for him to come see me for a family wedding but after discussing figured it probably would be better if we met in a more intimate setting (as in just us and a few friends and family, not two huge groups of family from both bride and groom side - I felt it would be overwhelming for both of us) He had saved a lot of money from his tax return check specifically just to see me but somehow ended up spending most of it...