Choosing between a first love and my new girlfriend.

[yerbigpops]

It is a choice between a girl I shouldn't want to be with, and one I should want to be with. The first girl is my first love, who I shared all my first experiences and she shared hers with me since high school. We were together for 2.5 years. She put me through a hell of a breakup, related to troubles of college. I spent months in misery hoping and longing for her to be back, but all she did was string me along and hurt me.

 

The second girl is a girl who I met when I finally let me ex go for lost and was feeling happy on my own. I didnt really think about my ex since I met her, and I grew to have very strong feelings for this new girl. She has all the qualities I should want in a girl. She is caring, kind, and is completely devoted to me. We have been "officially" dating for about a month.

 

The problem is that my ex came back into my life a few weeks after I got with my new gf. There is no way she could have known about her. We talked a little, but I didnt think much of it and went about my business. She kept hinting that she wanted to meet up and discuss something with me, but it was inconvenient for me and it didnt happen until a few night ago. She explained that she realized how badly she treated me and offered me a sincere apology. She was very nervous to be talking to me and I could see it. She was afraid of my reaction. She told me she wants me back and that she has been unhappy without me and she knows I am the one for her, but didn't want to tell me because she knows i am happy in my new life. She only told me because I pressed the question of what she wanted to talk about other than catching up. She said she knows I will make the right decision and stick with the new girl cuz that's the kind of guy I am. She was holding back tears the whole time.

 

I care about my new girlfriend a lot, but I also find myself longing to be with my first love, even though I shouldnt. I find myself believing that she has matured and grown to appreciate me in the 8 months we have been apart, and that maybe it took needing to see life without me to know that as we were each others firsts. But the new girl is wonderful, and I really enjoy spending time with her. I just dont feel the connection or attachment I felt with my ex. I know it is totally unfair to her for me to even be having this internal conflict, and no matter what i do someone is going to get very hurt. My feelings tell me to go back to my first love, as that is what I have wanted for so long and it is finally available to me. But my mind tells me to stay with my new girl, because she has all the qualities a guy should want in a girl, and she is amazing. Looks have always been a factor for me, but I find it interesting that they play no role in my internal conflict here, as my new girlfriend would be considered much more attractive, but heart still wants my ex.

 

I apologize for the length, and for anyone who takes the time to read this. I am absolutely torn, and I would rather come to a decision soon than string anyone along. Any advice would be helpful, Id love to hear your insights. Thank you.

[stace79]

I was once the "new girlfriend" is this exact scenario. My ex dated his ex throughout college and even after he graduated, and she broke up with him b/c she wanted to "have the college experience" and not be committed to anyone. She jerked him around for quite some time.

 

He was still talking to her though, when he met me. He dated me for about five months and then broke up with me because his ex said she couldn't be "friends" with him anymore - it hurt her too much that he was dating me seriously.

 

If I had known everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - I would have told him to just break up with me and not talk to me again. I fought and fought to keep him in my life, when I should have just walked away.

 

The fact that his ex was even an option - and yours too - means you just don't care for the new girl enough. Spare her the drama, and break it off quickly and completely.

 

I would bet money that your ex will ditch you again, or you won't be happy with her in the end, but it doesn't matter. Your new girlfriend deserves MUCH, MUCH more than a boyfriend who is still talking to his ex and clearly hasn't resolved those feelings.

[Jono85]

I was once the "new girlfriend" is this exact scenario. My ex dated his ex throughout college and even after he graduated, and she broke up with him b/c she wanted to "have the college experience" and not be committed to anyone. She jerked him around for quite some time.

 

He was still talking to her though, when he met me. He dated me for about five months and then broke up with me because his ex said she couldn't be "friends" with him anymore - it hurt her too much that he was dating me seriously.

 

If I had known everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - I would have told him to just break up with me and not talk to me again. I fought and fought to keep him in my life, when I should have just walked away.

 

The fact that his ex was even an option - and yours too - means you just don't care for the new girl enough. Spare her the drama, and break it off quickly and completely.

 

I would bet money that your ex will ditch you again, or you won't be happy with her in the end, but it doesn't matter. Your new girlfriend deserves MUCH, MUCH more than a boyfriend who is still talking to his ex and clearly hasn't resolved those feelings.

 

+1000

 

i was also in that EXACT same situation last November. and it went down exactly like stace's experience.

 

my relationship with my ex was about 4-5 months deep, and in fact she had just INITIATED the first "i love you"s in our relationship (which was my first time saying those words, i'm 25) a week prior to me finding out all of this crap. only my ex, who i thought was LITERALLY, no lie, the most honest, sweet girl i'd ever met, incapable of lies. she never even lied to her mom when she spent the night at my house before we were official; her mom is incredibly strict, but she said just felt bad about lying. she also made me wait quite a while for sexual intimacy, which i respected so much. anyway long story short, the last month of our relationship i found out was full of many lies. her ex came back into her life and i guess she hadn't yet chosen what decision she was going to make, or wanted to make sure her ex was completely serious before she was going to ditch me, b/c i had to find out on my own and call her out on it. it was the most devestating thing for me when i found out. i did hard homework i had thought before we started dating to make sure she was completely over her ex. like you, her ex was her first love and they were off and on for 3 years before me, first sexual partner too (only other person).

 

she basically strung me along for a little bit even after i found out (i was weak, heart refused to believe our moments weren't real).

 

well she obviously went back with him, not a month after we split. i'm still trying to get over it. and i don't mean get over her (she will never be allowed back in and is a joke of a human being), but over the shot to my self-esteem/pride to be left for her ex at the drop of a hat, when i thought she was so sincere about our relationship. she always told me too in the beginning how she'd never go back to "that"...she was stronger, a woman now. ha yeah right. i know i'm the better man than her ex, just like your new gf is probably the better girl. oh well, thats life.

 

whatever you do, PLEASE be completely honest and upfront with your current girlfriend, ie. RIGHT NOW. i will always hate my ex for dragging my along, saying i love you to me when she was obviously still confused. it's the most selfish thing you can do. i've been strict with my no contact this year anyway. refused to be friends with her since the new year, basically when i found out she had chosen him (she didn't even have the f-ing audacity to let me know either, i found out on facebook...wow, what a hoe). bah...just reliving this, and reading your story makes me upset lol, sorry. do the right thing and tell her what you're going through. she deserves much more, but that is minimal.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Jono85

[PinkChic]

I would just like to say that first loves will ALWAYS be first loves, however there is a reason why you two are broken up and it should stay that way.

 

My first love is from almost 10 years ago... I still sometimes catch myself daydreaming of those careful, young, vulnerable days... Him and I have that relationship where one of us always, without fail rings every 6 months "to catch up"... I'm pretty sure I'll be 95 and still be expecting his call every 6 months on the 3rd day of the month...

 

I have memories of our time together (also 3 years) that will always have a very special place in my heart. I will tell my daughter about him someday and he will ALWAYS be my first love. But, we always say, even until this day say that we are each others soul mates but we live two comletely different lifes, have completely different morals and values and realistically it would NEVER EVER EVER work. We have both accepted we will always have a place for each other just not in our lives.

 

Please leave the ex in the past. Where she belongs.

[westernxer]

Please leave the ex in the past. Where she belongs.

 

Yes, pretty please. Stick with the new girl.

[yerbigpops]

Thank you everyone who has answered so far. It seems to be pretty unanimous that my ex is bad news, and I should stick to my current girlfriend. I would like to clarify that I do care about the new girl very much, and that is why Im thinking so carefully about this. I am curious, does anyone have an opposing view that I should give my ex another shot? It would just be interesting to see both sides of the spectrum.

 

Once again, thank you all! I really appreciate the input, harsh or otherwise.

[Eeyore79]

Nope, I honestly don't think you should give your ex another shot. She already dumped you once, so how could you ever feel secure and trust her again? Exes are exes for a reason, and I think you're much better off with your new girlfriend, who deserves your trust more because she has never treated you badly like your ex did.

 

Having said that, your new girlfriend deserves a man who loves her, not someone who's still hung up on his ex. It's clear that you just want people to tell you what you want to hear, i.e. that you should give your ex another shot, even though that isn't a smart move. I think you should let your new girlfriend go because you clearly don't love her enough, and let your ex break your heart again if that's what you want. Ideally you should probably stay away from both women, since your ex is bad news and you don't love your new girlfriend - wait for someone who you love enough that your ex is no longer an option.

[stace79]

One more piece of advice. Should you choose to stick with the new girl, you MUST completely and totally evict the ex from your life. Do not be her "friend," do not stay in touch, nothing.

 

Because I guarantee you, it will eventually wear you down and you will give in again, AND it is horribly cruel to the new girlfriend. You MUST choose one or the other, or you will not be any better off.

[Miss RJ]

I was in the same position as you around this time last year (ish). I broke up with ex because things were not working. Met a new guy, he was amazing and we got on so well. I honestly thought I had moved on. My ex had been contacting me constantly for a few months and I told him I was happy etc etc. He was very persistent. I was going through family stuff and my ex and I got back in contact (as friends) a few months down the line he is telling me how much he wants to make it work, I am the love of his life etc etc. Myself and my new boyfriend ended up breaking around the same time. Although we did not break up because I had chosen my ex it was because I was not over him. Because I did not let my ex and our relationship be a thing of the past I ruined what could have been a perfect relationship.

 

I ended up giving my ex another chance and I can honestly say it was probably a mistake. He has not changed. I feel as though I have lost myself to him again. Its devastating. The first love has this hold over me, he probably always will, I cannot seem to let go even when I know I probably deserve better.

 

The guy who I met, who became my boyfriend, brought me to life again and brought me back to who I was and made me a much happier and more confident person. We are actually both still really good friends but I ruined any chance of us having a lasting relationship. Instead of letting go of my ex and becoming fully involved in the new relationship I have lost out on something that could have been great.

 

I am now back with my ex, we are trying to make it work but I can honestly say I am not happy the way I was. I feel as though I have lost who I am (again - the reason I broke up with my ex in the first place)

 

If things are going well with your new girlfriend and you are happier than you were with your ex then never EVER go back there. You will only be able to truly appreciate your new girlfriend and make the relationship work if you let your ex be a thing of the past.

 

Ultimately, you have to do what will make you happy. Being back with your ex might feel like the best possible thing in the world for a while but trust me that wont last. All the issues you had before and the reasons it did not work before will come back.

 

I strongly advise you let go of your ex, continue moving on and growing in the relationship with your new girlfriend.

[yerbigpops]

I don't believe I am trying to find an answer I want to hear, I just want to hear if there are two ends to this thing. I honestly don't know what I want exactly. I love both girls, but in completely different ways. With my first love I am attached and I have all these warm memories and feelings associated with her, and its hard to think I will never experience them again with her, especially when she is here in front of me offering her devotion back to me.

 

With the new girl, I find myself excited and eager to go on adventures with her and have a lot of fun. She is completely, and I mean completely, devoted to me and thinks I am the perfect guy for her. She is gorgeous and caring, and treats me in a way that would make other guys jealous. One problem with her is that she is already talking as if we will be together forever and we are soul mates and stuff like that. It puts all this pressure on me to be the perfect guy for her, and I feel so guilty that I am not completely over my ex like I thought I was. It would absolutely crush her to leave her for any reason.

 

Back to my ex, I was completely happy without her and fully into my new girl (it had been months since my ex and myself stopped contact before I dated the new girl). It was easy for me to "move on" and be happy when I knew she was this shell of a person she used to be now that she was in college and that she didn't want me. The best way for me to describe it is that she was one person, the girl I loved, before we went to college. We had very few problems and things were bliss. After we went to college, she became somebody else. We made it through a year of college together but it wasnt the same. It has been around 5 months since she last gave me the run around and I broke contact with her, but it has been 8 months since the breakup. The girl I talked with the other night was definitely the old girl, the one I loved before college. She was sincere and I could see the change, and I could tell she was very ashamed and disgusted with what she had put me through. And I find myself justifying that since she had never had the freedom to experience life on her own, she needed to realize the shallowness of the party scene on her own to realize the importance of what we had. This may be a stupid justification made by a guy clouded by his feelings for the first love, granted.

 

This is what gives me the conflict. I feel like I am choosing between the genuine girl that I first loved and shared all my experiences with and this new girl that would give me the world if she could and treats me right. I know the new girl deserves full dedication from me, and that is why I want to make a decision soon so I can go full force in either direction and not look back. I just know I am really going to hurt somebody. So I have just been giving it some time to think about it and posting on these forums, obviously. And I am thinking about what you guys have said on your posts. It really helps me see things from an outside perspective, and I appreciate it. I wrote this piece to try to clarify things a little bit and give more detail. Thoughts?

[rayne05us]

I understand you love your ex and that will probably not change for a while, but be honest with yourself...does your ex have the qualitities you need and want in a relationship? I doubt it. Basically you're willing to give up this girl you're seeing (someone I'm guessing DOES have the qualities you're looking for) for something you HOPE will work out. It would be one thing if you were single, but you found what you are looking for.

 

My ex just pulled this on me a month ago. She got back with her ex that she had an extremely rocky miserable relationship with. They've literally been fighting since the day they got back together. Now she's calling me telling me she misses me and it was a mistake...

 

Do yourself a favor...you're happy, keep it that way. Love isn't everything. Yeah you lover her, but will your ex be there to support you or will she just run away again? That you don't know...But you know NOW you're happy with this girl you're seeing....focus on making that work.

[stace79]

I cannot say this enough - if you do choose to stick it out with your current gf, you absolutely MUST cut off all contact with your ex. If you don't, your new R won't work out either.

 

In my situation, my bf continued talking to this ex he still had feelings for, but just didn't see her in person. It was a constant drain on us. We fought about it. I started sneaking around to read his emails and text messages. I felt insecure. Everytime I left our house, I felt like he was rushing to the phone or computer to chat with her. It was awful and undermined any solid trust or foundation we could have had.

 

In this situation, I firmly believe you need to make a decision and make it quickly. Otherwise you are going to end up with THREE people who are all hurt and sad and angry.

[Hhhh]

From the way your post are written shows that you want to go back to your ex. The answer is clearly written in the thread but your still leaning in the other direction. I think you know what you need to do, but no one here is going to help you pull the trigger.

 

Although I would advise agaisngt it, I understand your curiosity is building and your hoping to rekindling an old flame and old memories but when the phase ends you will resent her for leaving you in the first place.

[brokenamy]

UR story is very similar to ours. While we were separated ( I had full intentions of divorcing him) he started dating someone new the night before I called him and told him how ready i was to work things out with him. He eventually left the rebound because he still loved me very much and we have two wonderful kids. We have been back together for over a year and 3 months and everyday I am thankful he looked back instead of moving on. I realized what I threw away and really worked on myself to get him back just like he'd done when I first left him.

 

I think u need space to think things through, with both, there is a chance u will end up broken up but ask urself is she the same or has she changed? If she did, then yes, take her back if she is the same woman u were with before, then stay where u r. But I know u will take her back regardless, the heart wants what it wants. GDluck.

[stace79]

UR story is very similar to ours. While we were separated ( I had full intentions of divorcing him) he started dating someone new the night before I called him and told him how ready i was to work things out with him. He eventually left the rebound because he still loved me very much and we have two wonderful kids. We have been back together for over a year and 3 months and everyday I am thankful he looked back instead of moving on. I realized what I threw away and really worked on myself to get him back just like he'd done when I first left him.

 

I think u need space to think things through, with both, there is a chance u will end up broken up but ask urself is she the same or has she changed? If she did, then yes, take her back if she is the same woman u were with before, then stay where u r. But I know u will take her back regardless, the heart wants what it wants. GDluck.

 

Difference is that you were still married. That would give very good reason to explore all options before divorce.

 

He was not married to this ex.

[brokenamy]

Stace I don't agree with you. the only diff between a marriage and a relationship that lasted for years, is just a piece of paper. My husband and I only had a religious ceremony so technically, in the eyes of many states, we are not married. Commitment is all that matters.

If she is serious and I can speak from experience, she will work hard at proving it. I think she desearves a second chance only then.

[DD1]

Ok I literally just created an account to answer you! I've been on LS for about a month but just reading people's stories.

 

Anyway, just wanted to share my personal experience which is sort of similar to yours. I met this great guy back when I was 19 (23 now) and we instantly clicked! I never had a serious relationship before and I really didnt know I could get along with someone like that! We spent a whole summer together, but towards the end, something didn't feel right for me anymore. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just had to break it off. It has only been a couple of months, but he was VERY into me, and it broke his heart (also cos I was an immature idiot and broke up over the phone...).

Shortly after, I started dating this other guy, and ended up staying with him for 8 months. Let's just say I never loved him, and we were just completely not compatible but I didn't have any proper relationship experience to realise this right away. So I broke up with him too...

THEN, I thought "hey (guy#1 from last summer) was very different from him, he was pretty great" and suddenly I wanted to talk to him again (after about 9 months of NC).

So anyway, we started talking, really clicked again, and had the most amazing relationship for the next 2 1/2 years. We travelled to so many countries, barely fought, always loved/respected each other, planned a future together.

Well now, he broke up with me 2 months ago cos "he wants to be on his own now, experience things on his own, i'm the only girl he ever dated, bla bla bla" It was a pretty bittersweet breakup and I'm still getting over it (hence I'm here!), but he was very nice throughout the whole thing.

 

ALL THIS TO SAY, its not always true that "if she left you once, she'll do it again"!! I didnt go back to him for an ego boost, or to see if he was still waiting or anything like that. I just genuinely thought it could work this time, and IT DID for a whole 2 1/2 years, and even he says it was the best years of his life...

 

So yeah, sorry if it was long, just wanted to bring in another point of view.

 

Good luck!!

[brokenamy]

Thanks DD1 (sorry kinda feel like im threadjacking, lol) now I know I am not alone. I think once a woman REALLY realizes the mistake she made in leaving their man and get them back, they really never make that mistake again. as far as im concerned, I'd pick my husband again if i could go back 15 months back and if I could go back to the day I left, I would have still left so we could feel the pain of losing each other and getting back our love, renewed.

 

I vote for 1rst love:p

[NightForgotten]

I find myself needing to reply to you , as I read your story it brings back a lot of hurtful and bitter sweet memories, I know you asked to hear both sides to this so I will tell you my story, about a year a ago I too was choosing between my first love and another man.

 

My first love and I meet in High School our junior year and the two of us just clicked, we feel in love quickly and deeply entering our first year of college is when our problems began , for about a year we were on again and off again with each time my ex breaking it off with me, when we would get to that point were we where on again my ex would break it off when problems started to come up he would see that we would once again begin to fight and rather than deal with it my ex would simply break it off, as this routine started to build and build I felt myself no longer bring happy with my ex, I felt no love from him even though we would always tell me those third little words, no care , no respect and no understanding of what I wanted from him, so I did the unthinkable and the unforgivable I cheated on him one day with the another man ( I understand that although at the time I felt that I had every right and every reason to cheat , the truth was I did not there IS NEVER an excuse for cheat NEVER an excuse to hurt someone the way I did to him) . After a couple of days I felt the guilt eat away at me and I came clean to my ex, he broke it off and this time I was certain it was for good.

 

I had meet the other man oddly around the same time I had meet my ex, I meet him on an online video game site and the two of us became good friends, although we were only friends I found myself thinking that he was a good looking man and I found myself getting close to him over the years (he lived in another state so we only talked though the internet, text, and phone), he came to visit the are were I lived one day and that was the day I cheated on my ex, after which that happened he return to his state and after telling him I came clean to my ex and my ex broke it off did the another man himself come clean in telling me that he always liked me and always thought deeply about "us" , months pass and pass and over time I fall in love with this another man and he with me, I felt that he gave me what my ex never did the love and understanding that I wanted ,the distance was not a problem to us and we both decided to work with it.

 

After about a point of 5 months into me and the other man talking and deciding our future together did my ex once again show up in my life, we began to talk all the while telling the other man the truth knowing that he had every right to know and telling my ex that I was in love with this other man (as this point my ex forgave me for cheating), as time went on I began to once again fall in love with my ex everyday I fell deeper and deeper regaining all my love and care I had for my ex, and the night came when my ex told me the truth, that he was wrong for never fighting for me for never paying attention to me and not giving the love I deserved. And that he would fight day and night to have me back.....

 

I was torn in two on one end I had my first love, the man who was my first and at one point everything and on the other I had this another man one would had been there for me to help me heal and learn to love again, I know that many of the posters here would have told me to have chosen the other man but in the end I chose my first love..... do I regret it? No. Am I truly happy? I can honest say that I am.

 

So all I can tell you is only you can decided only you can know if your ex truly means what she says, oddly I feel that you should choose your current girlfriend , you see I feel that even though I made the right choice and picked my ex not everyone's ex deserves to be given another chance. You sound like you are truly happy with this girl .

 

I am sorry for the lost post btw.

[TheLoneSock]

I concur with most who've already spoken in this thread. The new girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong, don't ax her for someone from your past. You'll regret it big time!

 

It happened to me, and they came crawling back. Don't be that girl. Or... guy in this case.

[DD1]

Let us know what you decide.. I'm curious. It's gonna be hard either way

But listen to your heart, or you might regret it down the road.

 

Best of luck and take care!

[yerbigpops]

Hey guys, once again thanks for all the feedback. My ex and I have occasionally been texting (she texts me with little convo starters) and I have been keeping it short and casual when she does. I refuse to be unfaithful in any way to my current gf, even if I am confused. And I dont think talking a lot to a girl who wants me when i have a gf is fair at all to my gf.

 

As an update, I have decided to get some space to myself and allow my head to clear. My current gf and I have been spending way too much time together, and I have been feeling a little smothered. I dont believe i can make a good decision about anything when this is the case. I need to truly assess how I feel about my gf and my ex without a constant influence from either of them. I have told my current gf that I need space to do my own thing sometimes, and she seems to understand. I dont want to make a drastic or hasty decision without time to myself first.

 

I appreciate all your comments, and I am taking it all into account. I will keep you all posted and maybe other people can learn from it!

[loft]

Hi yerbigpops.

 

I had to join after reading your situation. I am in exactly the same position as you. I have been seeing a new girl for 3-4 months now, my ex has reappeared asking for another chance after breaking up with me 7 months ago (she didn't know about the new girl).

 

My new girl is also nicer, better looking and just seems to be a better person, but for some reason all I can think about is my ex. Looking from the outside, it would be a no-brainer to stay with the new girl, but something inside wants the ex.

 

It's a terrible feeling, I've been thinking about this non-stop for weeks and I still have no idea what to do.

[yerbigpops]

@Loft

It sucks doesn't it? I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my new girl who was caught in the crossfire and is head over heels for me. Im curious, are you experiencing a loss of interest in the new girl due to this? I have been finding myself with a lack of desire to spend time with her or put in the effort I used to. What about you?

[miss_28]

I've been the girl that was axed for an ex, she came sniffing around once she saw that he was happy with someone new. It didn't matter that I was nicer, smarter, prettier, etc than the ex, she was his first and she had power over him. Her goal was to break us up and take him back, which is what eventually happened. (He tearfully broke up with citing confusion and the same feelings you mentioned before.) We had a brutal breakup where I told him never to contact me again. Needless to say, they got back together and broke up a few months later. Apparently, the wonderful ex that had everyone convinced she was so mature and ready for a relationship, thought it was ok to sleep with his best friend. I have to admit, it was pretty funny.

 

Either way you chose, I think you are going to break this new girl's heart. And let's be honest, your ex texting you, however innocent it may seem, is her trying to start crap, and it's rather manipulative. If she truly respected you or your relationship, she'd leave you alone. Come to think of it, if you respect your relationship, you should leave the ex alone for good.