Dad says I might as well be dead!

[Treetops1969]

This is a complicated one but will try to summarize.

 

My dad and his wife were looking after my children while I was away for a weekend a year and a half ago. I'd recently split with my husband who I'd been with for 15 years, I'd been ill in hospital and had recurring ill health. My house was a mess, I was struggling with work, I was always ill and felt like I needed a break. My ex husband was out of the country on a work trip or I would have asked him to have the boys.

 

While I was away my kids misbehaved..(they were not that bad just messing about instead of getting ready to go out after they'd been asked several times). My dad came on a bit heavyhanded and they had a huge argument which resulted in the boys calling me and their dad who was in Africa at the time. I told them to apologise and their dad kept them on the phone as a way of calming everyone down and forgetting about the unpleasantness. This worked. Unfortunately my dad didnt really calm down.

 

When I returned my dad picked me up and launched into a critical tirade about my kids, my oldest boy in particular he was very nasty about (he was actually very stressed as he had just started a new school on top of everything else. When I said 'I feel like your making me out to be a bad mother'. He said 'you are a crap mother' and then refused to listen when I tried to explain why I might look like a crap mother at that time. He then said he didn't want to have anything to do with my children again.

 

I was so shocked! I lost the plot and laid into him (verbally) saying he should look at his own parenting before he criticises others and look at his own temper tantrums before criticising a childs! When we returned home his wife (who I'd bought chocolates for as a way of apologizing for the children's behavior), refused the chocolates and they stormed off.

 

I immediately got on email and apologised. Their reply about 10 days later was still angry and abusive despite me apologising and the children apologising after the initial argument with them.

 

I was livid and retaliated because i felt unreasonably attacked. There then followed a series of emails in which I brought up some old stuff. i.e. my dads temper and occasions where he's been aggressive and slightly violent in the past). i told him that aggression and violence were not acceptable in my house. He hadnt physically hurt my son, just lifted him off the bed in a heavy handed way which frightened him (and me when i heard!) I wished I hadnt brought this stuff up but I just felt his attitude was well out of order.

 

Once i calmed down I apologised again via email and have consistently tried to keep in contact and tell them that we'd like them back in our life

 

A couple of weeks ago i tried to call him and ask if we could bury the hatchet and move on. I said that i'd like to come up and visit them without my children.

 

He told me that I'm not welcome, he never wanted to see me again and if it helped me to move on I might as well be dead! He said I shouldnt have brought up stuff from the past. I apologised again and I begged him not to shut me out. He hung up.

 

I have been so heartbroken about all this... its affected my health. My periods stopped outright straight after the initial argument because of the shock of his words. they have not returned one a half years later. This means that my hormones have been affected and there are now health concerns for my future on top of everything else.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my hormones made me lash back instead of just letting his horrible words go. But more likely I think I probably felt angrier and hence braver to say that his attitude was out of order when in the past i haven't.

 

My counselor who I was seeing for shock and grief, told me I'm only human and if attacked we do tend to attack back. This makes me feel better but i cant help feeling that this is all my fault!

 

My Mum and my sister have tried to talk to him but he is adamant that this is the end. He is so stubborn I know it is.

 

The children have been badly affected by it too and I feel terrible for them. My son spoke for us all when he said he feels like 'we've just been dumped in a ditch'.

 

My dad and i were always very close growing up and him and his wife were always so supportive till now.

 

How can i resolve this or let it go?

[Datura]

You likely can't resolve it; your father seems to have made his mind up. The apologizing and pleading doesn't make him budge, he has to rid himself of his own stubborn behavior, and if that is to happen at all, it will happen with time.

 

In order to let it go, first and foremost you must stop blaming yourself. Going by the series of events in your post, a tirade was his doing. The communication on both sides could have been tailored a bit more delicately and non-accusatory. His behavior is extraordinarily unforgiving - these are not only children, but his own flesh and blood who have rallied him to such anger. Not to say that this should lead to resentment, just pointing out that there are two people who have caused problems, and he is continuing to cause them.

 

You may want to think if it's worth having him in your life at all. Should he return, but with the same judgmental, stubborn outlook, heads will likely butt again. He so easily disposed of your children. Think on that.

[Treetops1969]

its so hard to let go though because he's my dad. i think that I have done all I can though so maybe time will heal .... its a bit like a bereavement. I am grieving but its seems so stupid because we are both alive

[spiderowl]

What's pretty clear is that your father had no understanding of what you were going through, looking after your children with poor health and other problems. Anyone in your situation would have been struggling and a decent guy would have seen that and tried to help. OK, they may have been helping by looking after the children, but it sounds like your dad had forgotten what it's like to look after children as he didn't handle it all that well. It's not surprising, after what he's said to you, that you'd want to fight back. I don't blame you. Your dad has retaliated by cutting you off. You have apologised and he has still cut you off. Actually, I think he's being quite callous. I also think he's manipulating you emotionally. He knows how much he means to you. He must also know how hard it is for you to cope without support, and yet he'll cut you off and say such things.

 

I don't know what your usual pattern of interaction is with your dad. Are you often apologising for one thing or another? You have apologised to him after he's said some pretty horrible things to you. I think I would not have apologised then. To continue to apologise to try to persuade him to accept you back seems pointless and also gives him the impression that he has all the power - the power to have you come running or to push you away. I think it's time you took this power away from him. In your position, I would be inclined to cut my losses and to look at ways of living without him in your life, hard though it may be. If you chase him, it is teaching him it doesn't matter what he says to you, you will always forgive him and yet he is not forgiving you, is he?

 

If you lead your own life now without him, he may change his mind and come round - depends how stubborn he is. If it were me, I would not want him in my life if he treated me like that. A woman in your situation deserves every respect for coping with her family and health problems. As for keeping a perfect house, who cares? The way you talk about your kids and their feelings shows what a caring mum you are. I'm sure that's far more important to them than a perfect house.

[Taramere]

I would be inclined to drop the apologies. Your father is a bully, and you were right to call him on that. The fact that he was helping you out in a practical sense did not give him licence to behave abusively. That's the thinking of a control freak....that helping you gives them the right to be abusive. If he can't deal with people lashing back out at him, then he should cut out the dramatics and character attacks.

 

When a grown adult says something like "I wouldn't care if you died" or "it would be better if you were dead" then I can't see that there's even any question of apologising to them. What an absolutely disgraceful thing for somebody to say to their own daughter. Especially one who has had health problems.

 

It's his problem....it really is. You have children of your own now, and their needs take priority over trying to repair a relationship with a childish parent who says horrible things and can't summon up the good grace to apologise for them. If this is a case of him feeling guilty about past issues and handling it by going on the attack, then it's for him to sort it out. You have attempted to apologise, it's been rejected and I would leave it there for him to try to carry out repairs to the relationship if and when he ever cools down.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Taramere

[DaisyLeigh]

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Hell, he probably got a thrill when you begged him not to cut you off.

 

No matter if your kids were bad or not, you do NOT say and do what your dad said and did. I think that you should wash your hands of him and if he contacts you, tell him to **** off.

[Treetops1969]

Thank you everybody for your replies. Its helped me to see that I have done all I can and now I must forget about it.

 

We always had a reasonably good relationship. I idolised him like every little girl looks up to her dad and as a grown up we got along too. Its not normal for me to fall out with people.

 

As I said he and his wife have always been supportive, until now I've never had any need to apologise. But now I see that mostly it was his wife's idea to spend time with us, help us move, babysit etc. He doesnt like children and has probably found it hard. He's a quiet, gentle man, shy and reserved. But when I was a kid we had to tiptoe around when he was in a bad mood. He hit my mum a couple of times and he lashed out at me once grabbing me by the hair and twisting my neck awkwardly.

 

I think he is ashamed that I brought it up and thats what this is all about. I am ashamed that I brought it up too. I wish that I had dealt with it differently.

 

We didn't have any contact for 6 months and i thought that I should try again. But now I see that I should just leave it to heal. If its going to.

 

He has cut out my step brother too (his wife's son) over some stupid disagreement. Its not just me. But its hurt me so much.

[plasma]

Need professional counsil, not internet

 

good luck

[Tayla]

Oddly this is NOT something to "forget" and push under the rug, it will come back to bite you, RE_READ what Taramere wrote. More review of the truth cannot harm one...

 

 

I would be inclined to drop the apologies. Your father is a bully, and you were right to call him on that. The fact that he was helping you out in a practical sense did not give him licence to behave abusively. That's the thinking of a control freak....that helping you gives them the right to be abusive. If he can't deal with people lashing back out at him, then he should cut out the dramatics and character attacks.

 

When a grown adult says something like "I wouldn't care if you died" or "it would be better if you were dead" then I can't see that there's even any question of apologising to them. What an absolutely disgraceful thing for somebody to say to their own daughter. Especially one who has had health problems.

 

It's his problem....it really is. You have children of your own now, and their needs take priority over trying to repair a relationship with a childish parent who says horrible things and can't summon up the good grace to apologise for them. If this is a case of him feeling guilty about past issues and handling it by going on the attack, then it's for him to sort it out. You have attempted to apologise, it's been rejected and I would leave it there for him to try to carry out repairs to the relationship if and when he ever cools down.