Married Male Confused

[SF33M]

This is my first post here and I am desperately in need of advice. I am a 33yr old male married for almost 4 years to my wife. Married life for me has become very stale in all areas. It seems so routine to me. Each day I come home from work to my wife, eat dinner, go to sleep. We do small things every once in a while. Take a vacation once a year, but even then...I am looking for passion and true feelings of joy wanting to be there having a great time and I do not feel any of that. I am not trying to say she is a bad wife, because she actually does many things that a man would want. Cooks, cleans, works outside the home, responsible, pretty, etc.

 

Over the last year, we have been trying to have children with no luck. My wife has been told that she may need to do some fertility testing. We also have been making plans to add onto our house with the entire amount of equity we have. All of these "large" decisions have made me take a step back and look at my life. I have told my wife that I want to wait a bit to have children (by the way she is 30yrs old) This did not go well with her obviously but, I really never sat down to think about if I really wanted kids with her right now....just kind of seemed like the "next step".

 

To sum up...I have tried to bring passion and the kind of sex we used to have back to the relationship....I almost feel like there is nothing there when we do have sex. I know what that fantastic feeling of really enjoying anothers body feels like and it definately isn't there. We kind of just "do it" and that is it. Does all passion eventually disappear? I have heard people say that you have to work at it and all the normal advice....but, if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life....and then add children and more responsibilities to the mix..I don't know if it is what I want. Can anyone lend a hand with some advice?

 

Thanks-

[moimeme]

Have a read of <URL removed> A lot of people swear by it.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm pretty sure you feel that sex is mechanical right now, and that it's all about making a baby instead of just having fun and enjoying each other's pleasure. And of course, when you're trying to make a baby time after time and nothing happens, you start to look at sex differently and not so much in a passionate way like you use to. I don't know if you have, but you need to let your wife know how you feel and why you feel that way. If you feel you're not financially ready for it, let her know. If you're not ready to have children, let her know that you're not ready emotionally or mentally to take on that role at this time, and so you can't be the best father then need you to be, but that you're giving up all hope on having children. You just need alittle more time.

 

In the meantime, try to do romantic things to bring the romance back into your marriage. Take the initate and be creative. You can be romantic and passionate without having sexual intercourse. Give her cards, candy, flowers, candlelight dinner, foreplay; the whole nine yards. Just sneak up behind her one day and give her a kiss on her neck and walk away. Have her sit on your lap one evening and talk about nothing. All those little things you do will add up when you finally have sexual intercourse and that passion will come out. We stop doing these things after marriage, or we stop doing them as much as we did before we got married, but there are the things that keep passion alive in a marriage. Take your focus off having a child, and put it into building passion back up in your marriage.

[SF33M]

KD:

 

I have tried many of the things you have suggested......it seems as if it just isn't natural anymore. I think she feels as if the small things I do are "leaders" into sex. Like she know that the only reason I am doing that is so that I can have sex with her. Honestly at this point, I care less about the actual intercourse than I do the passion and feelings of closeness with my wife I long for. When trying to be close, touch, etc...she is not that responsive. Another big problem is her lack of wanting oral pleasure. I love to please a woman that way and she has told me that she does not enjoy that or that it really takes her a lot to get worked up to feeling that she wants me to do that. All my life, no other woman has denied me this or told me they did not enjoy it. They have all jumped at the chance and women friends I know now would die to have it from their husbands more often.

 

I have spoken to her about most if not all of these things. I think she takes it personally and we never really try to work through them. I am going to give my best effort to do the little things and see if it will change. I have tried at short times only to get discouraged, feeling as if the only way we are going to make love is when she initiates it. I really want to "Make Love" again and feel the passion...not just plain old missionary sex.

 

This really is a problem for me and is making me feel like I might someday regret the decision to move forward in life with her having children and making other large life decisions. I am sure the closeness I need from her will only get farther away once the child comes into our lives.

 

Thanks for your response and look forward to others help as well.

[Rightlymia]

don't make babies until you figure out if you want to stay in this marriage.Kids would only complicate things even more.

[Arabess]

Perhaps it's the emotional roller coaster of trying to get pregnant which has caused her to feel less passionate. From what I understand, this can really be a hard time for a woman where she begins to questions her own sexuality and how she feels about herself overall. Some women even feel guilty for letting their husband's down. She may be carrying quite the emotional burden and may not even know to express it to you.

 

I would read up about it on the net, talk as a couple to her doctor or even get a counsellor.

 

I'm not a therapist....but I did have a friend at work who went thru this while they were trying to have a baby.

[SF33M]

Arabess:

 

I think the problem you pointed out of not being able to express it to me is part of a larger one. I feel that we do not communicate well. Her usual response when I want to talk about things is that she picks her battles assuming that most "conversations" turn into fights. So she feels it is better not to talk too much about it. I don't know if she feels the burden or feels like she is letting me down right now.....because it was my decision to stop trying for the moment and try and figure out everything we have been going through....As Rightlymia pointed out above...I am trying to avoid becoming another devorsed family..if it were to happen, better now than after children are involved.

 

I guess I am struggling with moving forward in my life with her because of doubt. I don't want to be single living that life forever...but sometimes I think that maybe there is someone else out there that I would have more of a true "connection" with that lasts longer than the honeymoon period.

 

Does married life just get this way? The newness wears off and then we become almost robots...go to work, make more money, have some kids, buy a bigger house, better car, etc...it all seems so routine.....where did all the closeness, love, passion disappear to? Or did we ever really have it in the first place? If I left and started over would the same thing happen again? (Grass is Greener Effect?)

 

These are the questions I am asking myself right now....

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Well I'm not a psychologist, but from my understanding of what I study in psychology so far, they do believe that relationship go through phases. The first phase is the romantic/passionate phase. There's alot of things that happen to us physiologically, emotionally, mentally and chemically when we get into relationship. It's like a rush and a high and it's incredibly intense. You always want to be with that person, talk with them and it hurts when you're away from them. The purpose of the passionate phase is to create intimacy and a strong bond with one another. Once it's been created, the passion phase wanes and becomes the companionated phase. It's not as passionate, but it more stable and grounded.

 

That's not to say there will never be any passion at all. It's just won't be like it was in the beginning, and yes all relationships are like that even if you start over with someone else. People don't understand this and they feel that when the passionate phase wears off, there's no more love there, and they have falling out of love because they don't get that same tingly feel they got in the beginning of the relationship. It's also why people jump from relationship to relationship when things start to cool off. They are chasing that "high" they get in beginning of relationships.

 

When you're talking with your wife, sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Let her know that what she feels doesn't bother her, does bother you. She maybe trying to pick her battles, but what she feels doesn't really matter does matter to you and you want to talk about it. Don't pussy foot around her to spare her feelings. I'm not saying you should be tactless, but if you are feeling tempted to be with someone else or you are starting to wonder what it maybe like to be with someone else, you should tell her just that, and let her know that that feeling scares you, but you feel that way. Let her know that you miss her sexually in a passionate way, and let her know how you feel about having sex with her these days and how it hurts to not have some measure of passion there.

 

At the same time, you need to tune into her feelings and understand as Arabess says, she maybe suffering from feelings of worthlessness right now because she hasn't been able to have a baby yet. When a woman is trying to have a child and it doesn't happen, sex becomes less appealing to them, because each time the have it, they may be faced with another disappointment. Maybe it would be good if both of you can get into counseling, or read some books that can help improve your marriage. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Especially since you seem like one of the few that's actually interested in improving your marriage and being committed to it. But things will eventually work out. It may take time. You're going to go through ups and downs and sometimes the downs may last longer than we want them to, but you can overcome them.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hello SFFM33,

 

Basically, a lot of people yearn for those "special" feelings they once had at the beginning of a relationship. You're in a eurphoric state of mind and have "love" endorphins running all through your body that can last from months to a few years. And once those feelings (passion/lust) start to diminish, so does your interest in your partner. That's what I will classify as the, "grass is greener" effect. Some will start their hunt for that feeling again. Only to realize it basically becomes a routine all their life, until they realize what "true" love is about.

 

Here is a Scientific tidbit perhaps you might be interested in.

Being with someone who is a challenge stimulates surges of catecholamines (adrenaline, norepinephrine), which combined with your endogenous opiates and other hormones, causes you to feel infatuated. Infatuation is a cocaine-like emotion high that intensifies your sexual feelings and medicates the rigors of intimacy. Caught up in the heat of passion (mediated by these neurochemicals), two people just getting acquainted are able to be intimate without embarrassment.

 

And once that initial feeling wears or fades, you're like a junky desperate for a love fix (passion), in search for another lover who arouses just the right dose to get you emotionally/mentally loaded again.

 

So basically when you're on a "passion high", you feel like you're in-love. When your hormones and chemicals wear down or fade, you think you're falling out of love. It's truly amazing how our body/mind works, and IMO, it makes a lot of sense.

 

American culture has overly emphasized and ingrained the ideals of "love and passion". Especially through the media, books, literature, and t.v. But most of the time those images aren't even a reality, that's why they're called fiction.

 

If your wife was abusing you in any kind of way (physcially, mentally, emotionally) I could understand why you might have these lost feelings of "intimacy/passion", but you stated that she is pretty, independent, takes care of the home and carries responsibilty.

 

IMHO, we as a culture are becoming more self seeking (wanting more) and are becoming less satisfied.

[Whistles75]

Hi,

 

Just needed to reply to your post.... I was your wife, you have the exact feelings my husband has. We are now separated and I am devastated. We had a great initial few years together....but he continued to be silent about his needs and feelings until "pop", one day he had enough. That's not to say he didn't share with me from time to time, I just didn't take him that seriously because I felt comfortable with things the way they were...and I thought he would too if he would just realize what he has. I have been a great wife in every way...he just felt the passion was gone and he can't "re-connect".

 

I wish I would have taken him more seriously when he did try to talk to me, I too have realized a marriage has to be constantly re-invested, you can't just let it exist because is it comfortable. When things begin to get stale it means it's time to promote growth as a couple...but it takes two people to realize that and work for it.

 

It will be painful for your wife to hear that you feel sex is stale, that you are unhappy, that you want the passion back....but tell her. When my husband told me sex was stale, I had no idea.... In fact, I always thought his needs were pretty basic.....not so. One other thing....I too have refused oral sex from him for years, and this year when he went "pop", he shared how upset it made him that I never wanted it....I was always so self conscious about it. When he finally did tell me in a way that I realized he was serious...I relented a few times and finally had my first "o". In a twist of dramatic irony, I no longer will be getting that....lol.

 

DO NOT HAVE KIDS until you both feel better in the marriage. My husband and I did, because we felt it was the next logical step. Now, whenever we have tried to find time to let something develop again, is has been impossible with an 18 month old between us. Be firm with your wife about your feelings, at the same time let her know that she is the woman you want to share those feelings with. Growth is never easy for anyone, but if you both don't wait until it's too late....you will find each other again. In my case, I figured it out to late. He has already emotionally detached from me to a place I can't seem to reach. Good luck.

[moimeme]

There is a big difference between the situation SF33M describes and the post-infatuation stage of marriage. After the rush wears off, love should develop into a deep, rich companionship, not a situation where two people exist in the same house without feeling any connection. Love is about connectedness. That he and his wife barely communicate is likely the cause of the feelings both are having now. If she feels bad, she should be able to share that with him, not push him away.

 

Really SF33M, read the <removed> site. It's about developing connectedness with one's spouse. However, if she is reluctant to have 'conversations', you might be in trouble. Communication is the heart and soul of a good relationship and if one party refuses to communicate, the relationship will starve.

[reggio]

Well put Whistles75,

 

You realized that men do also have feelings and needs, and I don't mean it in selfish ways.

 

Women need to listen to men more than look at they have to offer.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Communication is the key element in any relationship. The more we talk, the more we listen and the more we do.

[robb]

Wow it's been beneficial to read a similar story to my own.

 

Married 10 years and we don't have sex.

 

Had sex around 6 months ago. That was the first time in 18 months.

 

Oral - yeah I wish - has happened once in our time together.

 

Have tried to talk to her about several time. She says the more I talk about the less likely it will ever happen. She doesn't see it as a problem. She says just be happy you've got a wife who cooks dinner etc.

 

Communication is key but she don't want to communicate.

 

I'm getting the point where I'm thinking what's the point. Does she still love. Yes probably but attracted to me - no not at all.

 

Other aspects of the marriage are OK but I'm struggling not to let the lack of intimacy from effecting the whole marriage. I love her dearly and would do anything to fix things.

 

ahhh

 

Anyway just sharing. At least you know you're not alone!

[sfm33]

I agree that I am not in the post infatuation stage of marriage with my wife. We are going on four years and have done a lot together. I am finding myself becoming "detached" from her for some reason. Currently, our next steps in life are building a larger home, having children, vacations, etc. All these things should be natural with someone you truly love. I am finding myself purposely putting them off. I have communicated all of my feelings with her, including not wanting children yet (I am 33, she is 30) I just wish I could have the answer? Do I still want to be with my wife for the rest of my life?

 

At the risk letting my female side come out....Anyone seen that diamond commercial where the couple is in what looks to be Europe and he starts yelling, "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" she gets embarrassed and then he gives her the anniversary ring? That is what I am looking for! Closeness, passion, friends, connection, compassion, love and understanding. One thing I do know is that my mind and body is not letting me move forward in my life with her because I do not feel the things described above. Am I asking too much? Are my expectations of marriage between two people too high?

[SF33M]

Robb:

 

Do you have children? I am so desperately trying to solve my problems with my feelings before becoming another statistical broken home. I came from a divorced family and told myself I would try my hardest to not let that happen. Also, all of my feelings have made me doubt the fact if I even want kids now. I don't know if that is just because of what we are going through or not.

 

Thanks for replying...I am sorry for your situation. On the flip side it does help to here others out there are going through similar things. Hopefully, we can both learn and take something from the posts here.

 

SF

[SF33M]

Whistles.........

 

I REALLY appreciate your post. I do think that my wife believes children will bring us closer and is the next logical step. How "illogical" can that thinking be? I do not want to bring a child into the world with us the way we are right now. The main problem is we talk a little, argue, and then it settles down for a week or so and magically everything is supposed to be OK. I don't know where this will end up, but I feel like I am getting emotionally further away from her every day. Even finding myself enjoying time by myself more than with her at the moment.

 

SF

[Whistles75]

You are making the right decision about not having children. I think a lot of couples don't even recognize what's occurring in the marriage and go ahead and do the family thing... that just makes everything so much more painful and hard.

 

I want you to know something about me. I really did try to listen to my husband this past year, and thought he just needed "mothering" better; dinner, a listener, etc... Also everything he said to me I internalized because it was so painful to hear...well guess what? It just made things worse because then he had to make me feel better about the painful things he said. I finally "got it" after being separated from him for 2 weeks. We of course have be in counseling "separately" for awhile now. I of course wanted to get him into counseling immediately after he told me he was unhappy in our marriage....thought it was a problem he needed to work on.

 

I feel for you, I mean I really feel for you. My husband has begun to warm up in the last week...just a touch, nothing to make a big deal over but it is something. I have finally realized what he has been giving me and wanting to give me all this time, and what I haven't been giving back or at least what he really needs from a woman and partner in his life.

 

A week ago I apologized to my husband for how often he must have felt so frustrated in our conversations. Looking back I would act defensive, or I would not really hear what he was saying, or most of the time I would try to put a bandaid on things so we could get back to our "comfort zone" . We never fought at all, in fact if a conflict came up I either avoided it until he was in a better mood, or I would just try to make him realize the "silliness" of how he felt.

 

You may need to find someone to help your wife and you with communication. It's not the answer to what your seeking in your marriage but it is the beginning to finding out. It's not just about talking, it's about putting personal needs and agendas aside to really listen and understand the other person. You may find if she just really takes the time and effort to understand, she'll find out what she has been missing too. But you may have to prepare yourself for the fact that she may not get it, and if she does, she may not be able to give you what you need, or she may not think is as important as you do.

 

Keep posting, it is good for the psyche...

 

Rachel

[SF33M]

Rachel:

 

Thank you again for posting such a great response. The things you talk about I can very much relate to. I must tell you that it feels good to hear what I think is going on in our relationship from another. I am sorry you have been through what seems to be a lot of bad feelings for a while. I must say that even though I am only talking about what I am missing...I am sure that she is missing things in the relationship as well. I know she really wants to feel as if she is moving forward in her life with "things". She is feeling stuck in life because I do not want to have a child right now. Also, because of the way I perceive the relationship, I do not agree on doing anything with our home, vacations, etc. I feel paralyzed in making any type of large decisions.

 

Even now on the weekends, we cannot decide on what each other wants to do just to be together. I am happy sitting around our home relaxing with her and she is wanting to go to the Indian Casino's. So guess what, today she went alone and I am here doing whatever I want to do? Go figure. I am trying but it just seems we cannot agree on what we both enjoy doing. It is so frustrating

 

Sometimes, I see her doing little things to try and make it better, but for some reason it doesn't feel like enough. I told her the other day that it would be nice to come home from work one day and have her waiting for me in a nice little sexy outfit. Just because she gets up early and is tired by 7:30 PM..going to bed. She did this for me in the middle of the week, but while we were having intercourse, it just seemed like she was just physically there doing it all for me but nothing was there on her side. I know I should be happy that she did this and I was when I got home, surprised. But, I miss that really close connection when one can look into their spouses eyes and just stare...feeling so comfortable and confident. That is completely gone and I don't know if it is natural to have that feeling leave after time or we have just fallen out of touch? She has never been a very comforting or compassionate person and she often tells me that she is not going to "baby" me if I come to her with something that is bothering me. I feel like a lot of times I resent her for that. Like you mentioned Rachel, a little "mothering" may be what I am looking for because my mother was not around as a child. She also does not share things with me that are bothering her...that makes me feel shut out. Because I like to communicate and will tell her about my feelings, she thinks I have enough problems for the two of us. This is her reasoning for not telling me how she feels about anything. (work, me, etc.)

 

It is like a "Catch 22"...If I do the things she wants (baby, house addition, travel, etc.) she will be happy and I may not. I feel something is missing and do not want to do those things with her...Doesn't really feel like we can get anywhere and it feels like I am just living in the house with her. I would like to go places and do things again with my wife, but they do feel like band-aids for the moment. The real sad part is, I don't think we could even just stay inside for a day, watching TV, being together with just the two of us, without feeling akward and like we "need" to be out doing something...

 

Man this is frustrating!

 

Thanks everyone, Rachel

 

Steve

[TempSain]

So what happened?

Did you dump her?

 

I have to know. I have been feeling the same for the past year.

[Rightlymia]

What is going on with your situation.The whole thing sounds sad to me because he seems like he cares and would like to work it out but as time goes by it's getting worse instead of better.

[TempSain]

Originally posted by Rightlymia

What is going on with your situation.The whole thing sounds sad to me because he seems like he cares and would like to work it out but as time goes by it's getting worse instead of better.

 

 

Rightlymia:

 

Thanks for asking.

I am new to this forum and have been lurking and ran into this post.

I also have been married 4 years now and had some reservations of continuing our marriage.

We both love each other but I don't feel the passion like we use to.

 

The main problem we have are:

1. Wife does not interact/communicate with my family. She won't even try to.

2. Wife wants to stop working and expects me to pay for all bills and continue to live at our current standard of living.

3. No sex life

 

 

I could list another 100 items but I would be happy to work out the main problems first.

We don't have children and I don't want any until I feel that we can work out our problems.

 

I know that giving up would be easier to do but then I don't like being alone either.

Sometimes I wish we can all live single and be happy alone.

[nluv]

I really wanted to respond to this. First, a couple of things about me. I have been happily married for over 15 years and have two children. We both work outside the home and have been through the normal ups and downs that is life. Okay, trying to get pregnant. Yes, your wife is going through some rough mental stuff right now. It was six years before I became pregnant and I really beat myself up over it. What kind of woman am I? Then I'm finally pregnant and what do I do but have the baby eight weeks premature. I couldn't get anything right! So not only was I a bad wife, but I was a bad mother already! Okay, the oral stuff...unless you are one of the very small percentage of people who do not have sex before marriage then you knew before you married her how she felt about it. I love it, but hey, it's not for everyone! What makes a woman a good wife? Not working outside the home. Not cooking dinner every night. Not being pretty. Not enjoying oral. It's the total woman all the good and the bad. No one said marriage was easy. You have to work on it everyday, even if you have a wonderful marriage! The lost passion? I don't know. I am still just as attracted to my husband as I was 17 years ago. I would really try counseling before I would give up on my marriage. And no, I would not try for children while you are having these feelings. My two cents worth. I wish you the best of luck.

[Rightlymia]

TempSain I think those 3 reasons are good enough to be concerned about.She doesn't like your family? I've noticed that this happens a lot after people are married. Everyone gets along so great and then BOOM they are fighting like cats and dogs or they just don't talk to each other at all. I've noticed a lot of my girlfriends doing that. Before marriage they just ADORE the whole family and then they end up hating them.It's strange.Were they pretending to like the family in the beginning? Ok and your wife doesn't want to work why? She sick? That goes for the sex thing too. Are you both not wanting it or just her?

[TempSain]

Rightlymia:

 

My wife doesn't like my family, actually, she hasn't even changed her last name to mine yet. Its been 4 years. She keeps mentioning that she doesn't want to do that because of her career, yet she wants to stop working and stay home. Seems like excuses to me. Bottom line is, at this rate, I really don't have much hope for her getting closer to my family. It seems that she has made me become more distant with my own family.

To me, the relationship that my wife has with my mother is very important to me. I even mentioned that several times to her when we argued in the past. No, I am not a mama's boy, its just that my mom is sick and I know that she won't be around too much longer. I want my mother to go peacefully and with happy thoughts of me and my wife.

 

Why are you here?

I am new so I really haven't seen your reasons yet.

Hope your doing better than I am.

[JustBreathe]

it must be true that there is always one who is the giver and one who is the taker in every relationship.

 

i cannot fathom why a man would stay with a woman who thinks cooking dinner, etc., is all a wife is about and that he should be satisfied with that, or one that has had sex with him once in 6 months and that if he keeps asking he will not even get that, or that won't communicate with him...

 

i cannot fathom it... until i hold up a mirror and look at myself.

 

i had sex with my h of 22 years anytime he wanted it. i kept my figure. kept the house. worked full time. tried to talk to discuss my feelings with him to no avail. am a good mom. i am a good woman. i tried to be a good wife. still, unbeknownst to me until 3 years ago he ran around on me with prostitutes and skaggy women the whole time we were married.

 

in short, it's always something. it truly is about them and not about you. they will come up with reason after reason to carry on the way they do, ignore your needs and mistreat you.

 

if i had married a man who was patient, hard-working, easy to communicate with, one who would go places i wanted to go with me and not just places he wanted to go, i would have appreciated it. i am not perfect and i would not have expected him to be perfect either. just available to me.

 

why do good men never seem to wind up with good women and vice-versa? we should start a club somehow where we might meet each other and be done with the slags of the world. but we would have to divorce our spouses to do that, and we're far too sick ourselves to do that.

 

we've tried having our guts ripped out and that didn't work. maybe what we need is a good dose of gumption. anyone have a recipe?