Married Male Confused

[Rightlymia]

I'm not married so not much is happening.I have just been coming on here for a while. It's an interesting place

[TempSain]

Originally posted by JustBreathe

it must be true that there is always one who is the giver and one who is the taker in every relationship.

 

I agree with you here. It seems that many people just hold in their frustrations to keep the peace in the family while the other keeps taking. I sometimes wonder if it ever is a 2 way street or do most people just settle thinking that what they have is better than being alone.

I wonder if being alone is worse than being unhappily married.

[TempSain]

Originally posted by Rightlymia

I'm not married so not much is happening.I have just been coming on here for a while. It's an interesting place

 

You must be laughing at all the misery that people go through when you read these posts. Or your doing a research paper on this topic, right? :-)

 

Hope you learn from the mistakes of people. It's a misery that I would not wish on anyone.

[JustBreathe]

yeah. it just bites doesn't it. is being unhappily married worse than being alone? hard to say. i would guess being alone is better. but i have kids. so i'm not alone. can't BE alone until they're grown.

[Rightlymia]

I don't laugh at it. I think it's sad that people are having such a hard time staying together. It makes me NOT want to get married more than anything. Especially when I look at how high the divorce rates are. Have you made any new decisions about any of this?

[TempSain]

Yeah, staying single is a good thing until you meet the right one.

And even if you do meet the right one, take your time.

Get to know each other very well and live together if your serious about getting married in the future.

You will learn alot about each other when you move in that you didn't know about while dating.

 

As for me, I am leaning toward divorce moreso these days.

This website has been informative.

I realize that I have been putting up with her s@it for too long and haven't really enjoyed our experience.

Will let you know.

[learnfrommymistake]

SF33M and TempSain

 

I had to jump in here and say somthing to both of you after reading your posts.

 

STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LOVE YOUR WIVES - I am saying this as a man

who has probably lost the best thing that ever came into my life - my wife.

 

For years I have been feeling much as you to do - no passion, not as intereseted, just

going on. I felt like being away from my wife would be the best thing that could happen.

 

Beware, once you get what you want you may realize just how much of a fool you have been!

 

TempSain you talk about putting up with her S#$t... I am willing to bet,

from experience, you put her through just as much and dont even realize it. For

women it is the little things - when you come home from work, do you sneak up

on her and give her a big hug or do you walk in and plop on the couch and turn on

the tv (or computer or other things)?

 

SF33M you talk about your marriage becoming stale - then you talk about how sex is. You have to

try to remember that sex especially for women is more than a physical act, more than "passion". Do

you really want your relationship (and your sex) to get better? STOP WORRYING ABOUT SEX AND PASSION...

 

(for both of you, and any other man considering seperation from their wives)

STOP TRYING TO GET YOUR WIFE TO CHANGE! FIX YOURSELF! Do whatever you can to make her feel special, loved,

needed. Even if she dosnt respond in kind at first (or even for a long while). Just keep at it. Dont beg, plead, push, connive,

or demand. Just give. Figure out what it is that makes your wife feel loved. Women have many different things that

can make them feel loved. remember that a small gift that would be inconsequential to you may be the world to her.

maby it is certian things she likes to hear you say - say I love you AND MEAN IT!

 

And take care of yourself - pay attention to your health, your carrier, and education. but dont let them go over board. make sure

you are the best you you can be, and be available to her and maby, just maby, if you havent already pushed her too far,

she will see something in you that made her fall in love in the first place, and things can START to get better.

 

It is a very long road, but the farther you go apart, the longer the road is. In my case it may very well be to late,

I ignored my wife's please for love and did not give her the kindess, consideration, and attention she needed for

a very long time, and now, just as I am seperated from her, I realize just how wrong I was. I love her more than

anything else in this world, and the few flaws she has are so insignificant compared to the wonderfull person she

is and how much I love and need her, that I dont understand how I ever saw them. I would give anything in the

world to have her back, so I am giving the only thing I have to give - myself. I am taking care of my health, paying

more attention to my kids when I see them, making special efforts to let them know I love them too (they too have

been pushed aside along with my wife). I read this board to see what others have done to make their wives/families

happy and sad, to make sure I dont make the same mistakes again.

 

Even if you do end up apart from your wife, these things are important for your future. As you are now, you will

only repeat these patterns. Stop dwelling on the past, live for the future, and hope beyond hope your wife is part of it.

 

And a last note to Rightlymia

you are right, it is sad that people are having such a hard time staying together, when all it really takes is love and attention.

Do not be afraid of being married, be afraid of being married and not being truely committed to it. I now really do belive if you

give your all, with no expecations or reservations, you can keep a good marriage going forever. but it is hard work. Be ready

for the hard work and commitment before you jump in, then never look back.

[TempSain]

Thanks for replying.

 

I need to hear your experience as I am on the fence about leaving my wife.

I can only get a glimpse of what happened to you but you definatley have regrets.

Yes my realtionship can use more effort by me but it goes the same with my wife.

I have a post here titled "Am I too selfish thinking of leaving my wife" Please read it to give you an idea of my situation.

 

What I also want to know from you is, do you feel guilty that you left your wife?

Will the guilt eat me alive if I leave mine?

 

Wondering...

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

I read your story, and though it is a little different than mine, I still think the same thoughts apply.

 

You need to work on yourself first. She will either follow, or not. You cannot focus on what is wrong with her.

 

My situation is in many ways reversed from yours..

 

I have for years distanced myself from my wife, imagining there was "something better" and making the excuses

to myself that we are too different, nothing in common, bla bla bla.

 

I have even considered seperating, and even told her a few years ago we should and started looking for an apartment.

I changed my mind and stayed, but never really came back and committed myself to our marriage. Always on the verge

of thinking it should be over. Hiding, not giving her the attention she needed (with all the same excuses, work, tired, other

things that needed to be done...)

 

So for years, I have burned this inside me. Practically pushing my wife to leave. Then, a few weeks ago, my wife handed me

legal seperation papers. My first reaction was "ok, maby this is what we should do" - I was completely numb, no feeling.

 

Over the next 2 weeks, we talked about it briefly on and off, and never really "locked it in". somwhere during that time I began

to realize this was real, and I was going to loose my wife. As it struck home, all I could think was that I could do better. I started

reading this board and some others, and realized that I HAD to do better. The more I thought about how I could do better, the more

I knew I HAD to do better. At the end of the two weeks, I was ready to tell her I was ready to commit my all to our relationship. I had

already thoght through alot of what I had to do. Then in a phone call (she was out with some friends) I got a little upset because

she wasnt going to come home that night and I told her I wanted to talk, that I wanted to work things out. She told me it was

too late.

 

We talked the next day - me pouring my heart out, saying sorry, telling her I knew what I had done wrong.. she just looked

at me cold. My heart was quickly burning away inside. We had to go do some things with our kids, so we didnt talk again till

later that day. That night we sat down and I asked her what we should do. She didnt really have anywhere to go, and I didnt

want her to leave our house - we have 2 children, I wanted her and them to be in their home. So I offered to ask my Father if I

could stay with them for a little while. I did and I have been here now all of this week. Every day away from her is agony.

 

You asked if there was guilt - yes, tons of guilt - not for leaving, but for all the damage I have done and all the things I didnt

do in our 11 years together. I will carry that guilt forver.

 

I am now in a painfull limbo where I feel that I have probably lost her forever, but it is not in any way what I want. I forced her

into feeling she couldnt trust, love, or be with me. Now all she has is that pain, and there is no way for me to show her that

I truely have changed, because I cannot be near her. I saw her yesterday when I went to see the kids, and all she could say

was she didnt want to talk right now, and could not give me what I wanted. What she cannot understand right now is all I want

is to love her. Besides my children, she is the only thing that matters to me, and I may just have ruined that.

 

So, do everything you can to do better yourself - you cannot change your wife, she will have to do that herself. But if you improve

yourself and dont "expect" something from her in return, you may just find that she will want to be better for you too. If not, you

will be better prepared for the rest of your life anyway, with or without her.

[robb]

Hi LearnFromMyMistakes

 

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of the pain you're going through. Please know that sharing your story will very likely save other marriages.

 

Thank you much for sharing with us all.

 

Our marriage has deteriated to the point where lately I find myself contemplating leaving or just wondering how long can I stay here just for the kids. I don't want that to happen. I just want her to love me more - perhaps notice me a little - perhaps acknowledge me as more than just the person her brings home the money.

 

But I think you're right. I can't change her - not directly anyway. I can only change myself. By being the best I can be she may once again love me.

 

And if she doesn't well I guess I'll still be a better person.

[JustBreathe]

Robb, please talk to your wife.

 

My husband felt alot of the things you describe... like he was a paycheck, like he was ignored, etc. all i can say is i never knew how he felt. he never told me and i am not a mindreader. if i had known i would have done all that i could because i knew our marriage wasn't right. that things were wrong. i just didn't knowwhat they were.

 

i thought if i cleaned house better. was a better cook. was sexually available, kept my figure. etc. etc. etc. that maybe he would open up to me and let me into his life. i always felt in my heart we could be happy but he was so distant and would not communicate. he was angry all the time, flirted with women in front of me, slept with other women behind my back, did other things to get "even" with me for what he perceived was a lack of love on my part. he admits now he was twisted up and mean. but its probably too late for us. i cannot put the infidelity behind me and be at peace. nor can i live with any more of his anger and he is angry at alot of things having nothing to do with me.

 

try your hardest to talk to her before you give up hope. write down how you feel in a letter first and read it to her if it makes it easier. if she pays no attention to that. then what more can you do? tell her how you feel. you may be surprised at how little in touch she is with how you feel and how much she would like to know how you feel.

 

my h never spoke a word to me about how he felt unloved. i thought i was doing all i could to show him i loved him. i told him so all the time. tried to talk to him but he'd accuse me of nagging or become more irritable if it did that so i finally quit. we just went our own ways emotionally.

 

imagine my horror to find out 3 years ago he has never been faithful the whole time we've been married. and one of the reasons he cited was he felt unwanted. i couldn't believe it. still can't wrap my mind around that one. i thought surely he knew how much i loved him. in my mind i bent over backwards to please this man. now he says he realizes he should have gotten help for his inability to communicate his feelings and his feelings of being unwanted which come from things that happened in his childhood. i wish he had also. we would have saved ourselves so much heartache.

 

our marriage may not make it. but i hope yours does. send the kids off to grandma's, and sit down someplace quiet and talk to your wife. put your pride aside.

 

i just hate to read men wanting for attention from their wives when there are so many wives out there clueless as to what their husbands need because they are never made aware of those needs.

[TempSain]

Thanks for sharing.

I think writing on this forum helps each and everyone of us going through similar situations.

For me personally, it has helped me to vent stuff that I would not share with my family or friends.

Hope its helping you as well.

 

From what you have said, it seems that you took your wife for granted and now that she wants to leave, you feel that you are losing what you had. She must have felt that she was giving more to the relationship and getting less back. I wonder if you had left your wife by giving her notice first, would you have felt the same as you do now? Do you think that she would be interested in getting back together to you and her doing everything possible to make you happy rather than the other way around?

 

I do hope that she will come around and reconsider your marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[hopelesslady]

I am with you there! I have been married for six years and been with my husband for ten years. It has gone downhill, especially in the sex department. I find myself just wanting to get it over with so I can go to bed. I feel like I'm in a slump with my husband. So you're not alone. I've found myself looking elsewhere for the attention I feel I deserve...

 

I hope you find the answers you seek.

[robb]

Hi JustBreathe,

 

Thanks for the post.

 

Believe me I've tried to talk to her on many occasions. When last I tried I was told that if I keep doing this (trying to talk) that I'll force her away. She refused to read the letter I wrote to her.

 

She's exhausted with her career and 3 kids. She doesn't want another person wanting from her.

 

It pisses me off that she happy to spend time talking to friends about their problems but never wants to talk to me about ours. I'm supposed to just make money, pay the bill, do my share with house and kids - and want NOTHING MORE.

 

We don't have sex - never really have except to have children. She says it hurts and I believe her. But I wonder if she don't wanna have sex because it hurts or it hurts because she don't want to have sex.

 

I have to ask her for a kiss goodbye when ever she goes. It feels like we're house mates that share maintenance of the house and the kids. From her I feel nothing but resentment. I don't understand why. I mostly work from home and do a good share of tending the kids and the house.

 

When I try to talk to her she closes off and gets angry that I'm trying to talk to her again.

 

No I don't ever want to leave her. But it's not me that has stopped loving - it's her. There is only so much rejection I can take.

 

I used to think she was so wonderfull and that perhaps I was just not good enough, not good looking enough, not intereing enough. But recently I'm starting to think she has issues that are holding her back from me. She demands that we always be completely seperate people. The very thought off having any dependency either way frustrates her. Perhaps things will improve once she starts earning and income and is not longer financially dependent on me.

 

I think she's is screwed up sexually. To have sex she really has to prepare herself mentally. The sex is usually followed the next morning my vomitting. I don't think the vomitting is due to a physical issue. I think she just gets soooo tense durring sex that she makes herself sick. Little wonder we no longer have sex - twice in the last 3 years.

 

I think communication is what we need but this needs an effort from both directions. There is much I don't know about her and I need her to share with me - share a little of her life.

 

Ahhhh that felt good to get it out - thanks for putting up with my winge.

 

A while back I decided to just focus on the positive things like the kids. I've been doing that for about 2 moths and yes I became a happier person. But lately I find myself getting down again.

 

Is that how marriage is - a constant battle to put aside all the crap and focus solely on the positives??

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

 

You are absolutly right.. not only did I take my wife for granted, I didnt even stop to think about how wonderfull she was or how much love she gave me. I really feel for the women on here who's husbands have treated them this way. Sometimes we can be very stupid.

 

You asked how I would feel if it were me that asked for the break - I am not sure, maby it wouldnt have been the wakeup call I needed to realize just how much I love my wife. I have had several people tell me that maby I am just reacting to being "dumped" but I do not belive that.. the dumping may have been the catylist to make me think things through though.

 

I know that things have changed in my heart.. I would not hold on just to hold on, I know I could make it just fine on my own. but I also know that that is NOT what I want. My heart aches every moment of the day as I cannot stop thinking about her, wondering how she is, is she ok, is she hurting too. I dont want her to be hurting, but I know that I have left her no real choice. I know she is not happy right now, and that makes me even more sad. I should be able to take my wife in my arms and make everything alright, but that is not an option available to me right now.

 

I am trying to give her the space and time to maby get over some of the angry, to the point where we can be around each other without her just wanting to hate me. It is hard since I want to see my kids as much as possible, so she has to see me pretty regularly.

 

I am going to get my kids tonight after work and have them stay at my dads with me for the night - We had already arranged for me to be with the kids so she could have her regular "girls night out" . I am glad for the chance to be with my kids - they too were on the reciving end of me not being who I should be, I didnt spend enough time with them, or quality enough time with them. So right now I am doing all I can to give them all the love they deserve.

 

So I am going to keep the kids tomorrow for the day as well, my wife has a job fair to go to, so I am hoping she will get some time to herself. I am going to try really hard to not do any pushing or begging or pleading tonight. It will be hard, when I am near her all I want to do is reach out for her. So I will go get my kids, listen to anything she has to say, then go back to my dads and spend as much time with my kids as I can.

 

today is turning out already to be a tough one. cannot focus.

 

I am just hurting so much I dont want anyone else to EVER make the mistake I have made. True love is not something that just exists - it requires feeding, nuturing, and care. Anyone who starts to feel that love is fading must look inside and work on keeping it alive. Lost love is the saddest thing in the world.

[learnfrommymistake]

robb

 

Is that how marriage is - a constant battle to put aside all the crap and focus solely on the positives??

 

No, robb, not a battle, but it is constant work. The moment you stop working, things will start to deteriorate. Dont ever

stop working. Think about other things in your life - you constantly strive for better in your job, your hobbies, etc. Why

wouldnt you put the same effort into your love?

 

Try to get to counseling - if she wont go with you, go yourself. it sounds like you could really use it. She may be dealing with

all kinds of things you dont know about or understand. I know my wife was and I just never made myself available to hear it.

Dont do the same. Try hard from your side. You may be suprised what you find, both in yourself and her.

 

Good luck.

[learnfrommymistake]

JustBreathe

 

First, I am sorry for your situation. I wish I could help you with the harder things your husband has done (the affairs,etc)

I know that that is very painfull. I can tell you some of him may be similar to me in just not knowing how to do his part

or commit his heart the way that is necessary for a loving relationship. I cant help with the affair fealings - that is one thing

I never did nor would I be able to do... even in the worst of my downs, though I would think about it occasionally, I could never,

never cheat on my wife. I have had that done to me and I know how horrible it is. I know many of the other things I have done

are almost as painfull, but that is a line I could not cross...

 

I want to ask you for a womans perspective..

 

You have done much of what my wife has. Loved me, worked hard at the relationship, stood by me even when I didnt stand by her.

Do you feel that if your husband came to you and truely committed to your marriage, things could get better? Or do you just reach

a point at which you cannot give your heart anymore. I know that teh affairs put a much bigger wedge in, so maby you can also tell

me how you would feel differently if that were not an issue.

 

Thanks

[TempSain]

A question for you.

 

When I look at my past relationships, I have lots of fond memories of the women that were with me at the time.

I say to myself, why did you break up with them if things were so good?

If I really think about the relationships, there were also lots of bad things with the same women.

I notice that generally speaking, when I think about my x-gf's, I have good positive thoughts.

Do you think that your only thinking about the good points of your wife and your relationship rather than the bad things that you had now that she wants to leave?

Maybe this is the reason for you wanting her even more?

Since you mentioned that you really were thinking of leaving her at one time, if you were to really think about those reasons, are they still true? Do you still think that the relationship was wrong?

[JustBreathe]

geez Robb. i'm so sorry. it does look like you've done all you can. vomiting? yeah, i agree. she has some kind of sexual problem and needs some therapy. honestly, i could not live in a sexless marriage. i don't know how anybody could or why anybody should. she needs to get help for herself.

 

i it took my H hitting rock bottom and ripping our marriage to pieces, my being dead serious about him leaving for good, before he would admit he has serioius issues and get some help. i would not wish the hell i went through with him on anybody. it's no way to live.

 

not to be a pollyanna or anything, but how about this, then. how about just getting on with your own personal life seperate and apart from her. not that you have to leave her or anything, just maybe getting some individual therapy for why it is you put up with her instead of looking for a more satisfying relationship. working on YOUR issues and focusing on yourself and taking that focus away from her. people like you (and me) give too much. we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our marriage. we put ourselves last. you need to get back to you and who you are and what you need. change has to start somewhere. it may as well start with you. what are some of the things you did before you got married that you don't do anymore? what do you do that brings you peace and good feeling?

 

honestly, you might not want to hear this but its easy to blame our spouses for the unhappiness we feel, gawd, i know, my H is a piece of work. my misery is all his fault! (... smile) bottom line though is you are responsible for your own happiness. it isn't her job to make you happy. that, my friend, is your job. no one can do that job for you. we make our lives what they are and if we don't like them, we can change them. and you don't have to leave until you're ready. you can work on yourself and still be with her for the time being.

 

i could become bitter and angry and say my husband is a dirty dog and i can't stand him and be stuck there. in fact, i was for awhile. but, i'm moving on now. moving away from that bitterness and getting on with my own life. if my marriage ends, and it probably will eventually, i may sorrow for awhile, but in the end i am confident i will still be happy and have a very full life. i didn't always feel this way. i thought if my marriage was over, then my life is over.

 

so what i'm saying, i suppose, is be happy whether if you stay with her or without her. work on getting yourself well spiritually. start with yourself, put her on the back burner for a bit.

 

do you think that would work? signed... pollyanna. :-)

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

 

Several people have suggested the same, and for some I could imagine this would be true.

 

I dont belive that is true in my case. You ask about when I wanted to seperate. Truth is

there were no "bad things" I just wasnt seeing ANYTHING.. but I wasnt really looking into

our relationship either. I kept focusing on what else there might be. Even when I was

talking about seperating I couldnt say why - mostly because there were no good reasons!

 

My wife is not perfect, we do have our differences, but there is certianly nothing "wrong" with

her, and other than what has been caused by my distance we have never had any really

bad things. Sure, we have arguments and disagreements, but that is just part of a relationship -

two different people with different histories and makeup have different views on things. I

once thought that differences were bad, but as I look at them I realize that differences are

what makes a relationship stronger. I would not want to be with someone just like me, it would

be booring, unfulfilling. Not much different than being alone. Though there have been times

that I thought being different made things hard, I see in retrospect being different is why

a marriage is more than the sum of the parts.

 

I truely belive that my "wanting her more" is not even that.. it is just an awakining of the feelings I have

always had for this wonderfull, strong, loving woman. Maby sometimes it does take a step back

to see such things.

 

As I said, the things that made me think about leaving werent even things.. I didnt have a reason,

just not connecting, but I never really made the effort to connect, so no, those things are not

still true, because there really wasnt anything other than me.

 

I dont think in any way my relationship with my wife is wrong. It has just not been properly cared for.

I hate metaphors, but love is like a garden - it must be tended with care, or it will rot and die.

 

When you look back, just for an excercise, think about the things that were "bad" - how bad were they

really? I do accept that in some cases there really are "bad" things that cannot be accepted, but in my

case there is no such thing.

 

The one thing I would like to say to you, is if you really felt in your heart that the end was the only

right thing to do, you would not be questioning it. Dont wait untill to late to think about WHY you

are questioning it - maby it is just something deep inside that you have not allowed to be contemplated.

 

If I could wish one thing for all men in the world, it would be for them to open up and feel for their wives/

gf/so what I feel for my wife... undying, unconditional, unreserved love. Even though it is causing me pain

because of being away from her, it is the most wonderfull feeling in the world. If we ever get through this

and are able to put the pain aside, I know that we will have a very happy forever together...

[Rightlymia]

Don't worry TempSain I will absolutely take my time on the marriage thing. I think that most people these days just jump into it because they think that's what they are supposed to do at that time in their lives. Big Mistake! I don't want to be a J Lo haha..

[Lexi]

Hi

 

You sound just like me. I am however a woman of 34 years old and I feel the same way. My friends tell me that maybe I need to talk to a counselor with my husband so I we can talk about our differences. I went to therapy to get advise on my situation. I was advised to tell him how I feel and ask why. I unfortunatly did not get a very good response and my therapist advised me to let him know that if he is not willing to discuss it and how I feel in htis marriage then there may be no point to continue with this marriage. I was also advised that sometimes it could be that our partners become that way because they are depressed or overwhelmed by life. mAYBE TRY TO TALK TO HER AND ASK HER IF SHE IS OK IN THIS MARRIAGE OR IF SHE IS DEPRESSED OR UNHAPPY? I AM ALSO GIONG TO THERAPY FOR MYSELF, TO DETERMINE WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. I sometimes fantasize about romance and if I would be better off alone again. Anyway write to me if I can help further.

[robb]

Originally posted by JustBreathe

so what i'm saying, i suppose, is be happy whether if you stay with her or without her. work on getting yourself well spiritually. start with yourself, put her on the back burner for a bit.

 

do you think that would work? signed... pollyanna. :-)

 

Hey JustBreathe,

 

Thanks kindly for that post - it's great advice and I truly appreciate it. Thank you also for sharing with me your experience. I'm sorry for the pain that you've felt but can see from your words that you are growing and that this pain will make you stronger. You keep believing in yourself and keep growing stronger. I firmly believe that your effort to be happy will be rewarded.

 

It's funny I always thought if we ever did break up it would be her leaving me. But now I'm thinking I may have to leave her.

 

I really don't want to. I love her greatly and would rather build a better happy relationship with her than leave. But day in day out I'm battling constant rejection. She cuddles me if I ask her to. I think she loves me greatly but there is something inside of her which is holding her back. I'm not sure what.

 

We talked again over the weekend. She's frustrated with me sulking. I'm sulking cause I'm frustrated with our marriage. She thinks our marriage is fine - but I don't.

 

We've been married 10 years and we've had sex 8 times just for pleasure. There was plenty of sex when she wanted to get pregnant but it was avoided at every instance at other times.

 

She frequently reads through a porn magazine that I have. Whilst it's great that she's obviously has some sexual need, it frustrates me further that she looks at the magazine for pleasure when I'm here waiting. What is so wrong with me!

 

Now that we're having no more kids I feel like a used sperm donor that's now only good for bringing home money and doing my share of looking after kids and home.

 

We're very lucky - blessed with the most amazing kids. I'd hate to think what it would do to them if we were to split. I don't want it to come to that. But finding it so hard to keep the depression away know that I'm married to a woman who so does not want me.

 

It's a viciouse cirlce. I'm sad and sulking becuase our relationship feels bad to me. She's angry becuase I'm sad and sulking. It drives her further away - I sulk more.

 

She's say if I'm looking for romance then I should aim to remarry every 3 years. I disagree and think we can rekindle our romance if we BOTH try. Sure it won't be the same as when we were 24 - it would be different - a more mature romance.

 

Is that wrong that I consider our marriage bad just becuase there is no sex and just because I have to ask to be cuddled? Am I fool for even contemplating these things??? Should I just be happy with what I've got.

 

There are postives. We get along well. We don't argue too much. Our kids are happy. Together we're great parents and create a nice home for our kids. Generally we get along well - we have good conversation when we're together.

 

Should I just be happy that I have all this and just try to think of her as a good housemate?

 

That's what we are - two people who live together, sharing our kids and resposibilites but no definitely no intimacy.

 

To confuse it further I cheated on her once 4 years ago and had a hooker give me oral sex. I lasted two weeks before I broke down and told her. I feel so bad that I did this and there is not a day that I don't regret it. There was no sex b4 that incident so I can't blame it for our lack of sex now. She's never wanted to talk about it. At the time she was shocked, she was sad but all she said was "that she would not let me make her a victim" and "this was her chance to get out". She didn't get out she stayed and never brought it up again. I did a few times but she acted as if it was nothing. At the time all I could think was I was sooo lucky to still have her and what I fool I was. I spent a lot of time working on why I did it and learnt alot about myself.

 

The thing is now that I think back to that - why wasn't she more upset? How could someone be so calm about their spouse cheating on them?

 

She has never wanted me sexually and didn't appear to really care that I cheated that time. She didn't consider me cheating a big deal?? Or if she did then she hid it well. I'm assuming the later and that she just refuses to le me see the weaker side of her.

 

JustBreathe you're right that just aiming to be happy in myself is the ideal. I came to this realisation a few months ago and have managed to keep myself happy for about 2 months. But everyday I see the beautiful woman that I want to touch and embrace but am forbidden to do so. At night I avoid going to bed with her - I prefer to sit on the computer till I'm failing asleep so that I fall asleep as soon as I do go to bed.

 

Reading back over this I'm begining to think that maybe I should just stop feeling sorry for myself and be happy with what I've got. Wow I've just had this realisation that what I want is to share intimacy with her. Yes including sex but also just getting to know her better. She's never fully openned her heart to me and let me in. When I cheated she refused to let see how much it hurt her. In childbirth she never really let it show that it hurt. When her grandmother passed away she never once let me see her cry. I did see her cry once but she stopped as soon as knew I was looking.

 

She's always strong. She's always the one that others come to for advice. But who does she turn to?? Not me and I suspect not anyone? She can't let others see her weaker side. Perhaps to open up to sexually would in some way be showing me something that she considers weak or simply wrong?.

 

Wow sorry those last two paragraphs were bit of back flip - just a sudden thought or realisation. Does that make sence - could she be holding back from me because she doesn't want me to see her true self?

 

ahhh apoligies for my raving!

[Matilda]

Wow, I think you're on to something. I went through a period when I wasn't very interested in sex. I was very overwhelmed emotionally, and was just barely holding myself together so I could get through the day and take care of my children. I didn't consciously think this at the time, but now I feel I just couldn't let go enough to have sex, because then the whole veneer would crumble and I would fall apart.

 

I finally got help for my depression, and I'm interested in sex again, and my marriage is much better. I definitely think you can rekindle the romance in a marriage, as long as both partners are willing to do so.

 

I'm really not sure how you go about getting your wife interested in improving your relationship, other than saying you'll leave if things don't get better. I don't know, maybe someone else has some better ideas.

 

Maybe, you could try to get to know her again. I know you say she gets mad when you try to talk to her, but what about courting her again. Take her out on a date, make her feel good, stuff like that.

[JustBreathe]

hey! listen up.

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. some people (aka/ my everloving husband) have affairs because they can't share themselves with anyone in a truely emotional way. they are controlling all the time because they're afraid of losing you deep down inside. for all their big show of bravado, they are WIMPS, scared little children. it takes alot of work to learn to detach yourself in a loving way from their madness. if you do less emotional work for them, though, then they have to learn to do it themselves. they have to grow up.

 

you remind me of where i was about 4 years ago. ZERO self esteem. down on myself. thinking i was crazy, half-mad. feeling unattractive and unworthy. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. you are SUPPOSED to expect a healthy sex life when you get married. you are SUPPOSED to feel loved and respected. when you say something is important to you clearly and without anger, your spouse is SUPPOSED to care. stop playing into their control trips. they get us so wrapped up in THEM we forget us.

 

start taking care of YOURSELF and to hell with them for awhile. i was crushed when i found out he was a cheater. over the years, i have learned to love myself. take care of myself. i am dealing with my failures to set boundaries, learning what they are and enforcing them. he is learning also. i am not the same person i used to be. wouldn't want to be. things have changed ALOT because i no longer buy into his head trips. i am worth more. i can do better and i know it. and finally, he knows it too. i still have much much work to do. but i am getting better. have my bad days. but i am improving. if he can't hang around for the ride, so be it. i no longer care. i've changed. hopefully he will change along with me. if not.... oh well.

 

go to 12 step meetings. get some therapy. read some books. set aside time for yourself every single day. you have been so neglected and so wounded. find your strength and your heart again. if you do this, everything else will fall in line.

 

maybe you could try a class. yoga, martial arts, an art class, anything to make you feel part of a bigger group so you don't feel alone. hop on a bicycle and pedal til you feel winded and too tired to fret and worry. go for a walk in the sun. get up a little earlier every day - even 10 or 15 minutes of silence and solitude before you go to work helps. do something that makes YOU feel good.

 

uh oh. shucks. i'm pollyanna again, aren't i.

 

but when i tell people that relief from their sadness does not come from the person who causes them pain, it encourages me to keep trying to unearth myself. to dig myself out. it helps me to stay on track. keeps my mind on me.

 

he's been exceptionally attentive lately. i don't want to fall back in the trap. it never lasts with him. so i need to be reminded to focus on me.