Married Male Confused

[learnfrommymistake]

JustBreathe

he's been exceptionally attentive lately. i don't want to fall back in the trap. it never lasts with him. so i need to be reminded to focus on me.

 

My wife I am sure is thinking the same thing. The thing is my outlook and commitment HAS changed, so I can tell you that it can change. I am the one in my marriage who did not put everything into it, but can honestly say that if I am given a chance I will put everything I have into my marriage for the rest of my life with her. I will NOT be falling back again.

 

I guess my point is if you do have any interest at all in your marriage continuing, don't discount him out of hand - by all means, be carefull, continue to work on yourself first, protect yourself, but watch him and listen to him and over time maby you will find that the shock of reality of loosing you will bring him back to where he should be, focused on your marriage and the two of you. Remember that if he does, it will still take some on your part (and I know you have put all of yourself into it so far) to continue to move forward - if you now cut yourself off completely you will just end up in the reverse situation that you started in. It for sure will not be a short road, but I am conviced that it does not necessarily need to be a dead end.

 

I wish you the best of luck and that in the end you get what you want and need from both him and yourself.

[SF33M]

It has been a while since I checked this post I started and I am really glad I read through everything. Many are talking about the depression they feel in their marriages. I have been really overwhelmed with anxiety that turns to depression and am in personal counseling and dr. has prescribed meds. I am trying to help myself and keep our marriage going. It is very stressful and my wife cannot understand why I am not a happier person.

 

I had posted early in the beginning on falling out of love, lack of intimacy, wife telling me that we are not "close" like other couples, etc. I do agree that my wife like many other women here does many things physically (works hard at her job, cleans house, cooks, etc.) and that is her way of showing love. I do appreciate this but I sometimes just wish she would not care so much about that and just show more passion and closeness.

 

The big kicker for me know is last weekend, she announced to me that she is getting very tired of my "bad moods" and it is hard for her. (Which I do understand!) She has been asking me if we can try having a baby again and I have refused that only because I feel I need to take care of my personal anxiety and depression problems before I can handle that responsibility. I can barely take care of myself right now, let alone her and a new baby.

She gave me an ultimatum that if we did not start trying again that she wants a divorce. She is tired of me always getting "my way" being selfish and she is going to do things for her now.

 

Things have definately changed for me and now I feel as if I am in this terrible downward spiral trying to climb back up to be there for myself and my wife. I am very stubborn and do not put up with ultimatums well. If we were to have a child now without trying to fix some things (including myself) and it put more stress on me I know I would always resent her.

 

Friends have told me that I may be anxious/depressed because my wife is pushing me into things that I do not want right now. I am also afraid of becoming in a situation like "learnfrommymistake" is describing. I know that no one can understand anxiety and/or depression until it hits them. She does not understand when I tell her that I need a break from stresses like spending lots of money on the house (remodel), having a baby, etc. I only feel as if I have enough energy to go to work and to relax on the weekends. She is GO, GO, GO right now and I am on SLOW, SLOW, SLOW mode. I am hoping to find some answers so that we do not end up apart.

[learnfrommymistake]

SF33M

 

Have you thought about asking her for a specific time-frame in which you can focus on working on your problems then get together with her and re-discuss the other issues? Maby just a month, 2, some concrete time in which she can take the focus off of what she wants while you try to get yourself together?

 

It sounds like you really want to work things out, but you are needing to do so one thing at a time. Myself, I see that as reasonable, but it can be hard to see something like that as reasonable if your own (your wife's) needs have to be set aside. Maby putting it in a "plan" would help take some of the tension off - I am sure every day she wants to ask "are we ready to talk about (baby, house, etc) now?" Asking for a specific amount of time to temporarily shelf some issues may allow her to accept back-burnering the other issues and give you some time.

 

If she does though, dont completely ignore her and her needs. Find ways to give her indications of your love that dont directly relate to the issues - pay her compliments for no specific reason. Small gifts, flowers, cards.. something. Dosnt have to be big, just let her know that even though you are working your issues, you are still thinking of her. I found the hard way that you must work at letting your wife you love her. Just being there, taking care of her, is not enough. She has to feel connected to you, especially while you are somewhat disconnected dealing with your own problems.

 

Good luck

[SF33M]

Learnfrom:

 

I have been dealing with these issues for about a year now. Back in January, I did speak to her about putting off some of the house things and having a baby. So.....as you can see my time is up. The problem is, I do not feel much better than before and sometimes it takes a while to find out what works for you. I have been told by my wife that I am selfish and all of the things I want I do (golf, motorcycling, etc) I have no problems with the house starting now, but I am really not emotionally ready to bring another life into the world right now. I just feel like we need to work on US only right now to see how happy we can be. I do not believe it is fair to compare her want of a baby to my want as in playing golf on the weekend?

 

As someone else earlier said in this post...we have both been busy doing things work, separate hobbies, etc. and I feel like when we do spend alone time together we have a difficult time. I am fine just staying at home relaxing and watching movies all day with her, while she feels as if we have to go somewhere and do something all the time. She seems to feel uncomfortable much of the time spending intimate time with me.

[learnfrommymistake]

SF33M

 

I do not believe it is fair to compare her want of a baby to my want as in playing golf on the weekend?

 

Maby to you or me, that sounds logical. But to her maby not! Women and men definitely feel different about these types of things. I only

found out during my current crisis that my wife has been agonizing over not having a third child - something I thought we had agreed on!

Granted, a lot of my reason was because of my not knowing what was happening in our relationship, but I thought we had agreed from the

financial and future standpoint that we would do our best for the two we have. I never realized that she felt she had "given up" the third child

for me. Do not underestimate the feelings of your wife, and no matter how much you cannot see the logical similarity between what you want and what she wants, do not imagine that she cant equate the two!

 

I fully agree that you should not work on having a child untill you work some other things out, but dont put it as an absolute. If she wants to "do things" with you to be together, by all means do so! If sitting home watching a movie isnt what makes her comfortable with you right now, then you just have to accept that and work on what works for both of you right now. Hopefully in time, when you work through some of the other issues you will once again be able to be together in ways you enjoy too. For now, just enjoy whatever time together you can have that she can feel comfortable with you. Dont push - it only will cause her to push back!

 

I am certianly no expert - as evidenced my my seemingly hopeless situation, but it really sounds like you are not ready to give up (or you wouldnt be here!) and so from what I can see and have experienced, all you can do is work from your side - there is no way to "make" her do what you want her to do, so let her take her course, be supportive and try to find some common ground. Start from the beginning, and go one step at a time.

 

I really think the important thing is you WANT to work things out, just dont really know how. Never let go of trying and you are 100% better off than I am - at least you and your wife are talking, and you are still together. Just give it time and effort.

 

Good luck.

[Rightlymia]

I have to disagree with "learnfrommymistake" about kissing your wife's ass. You need some things done for you also. You sound like you're having a hard time and she isn't being sympathetic towards that at all. Definitely don't even think about bringing another kid into this world until things are all straightened out.

[SF33M]

That is what I am thinking. I know I am a bit selfish at times, but this is a time that I really need the support of others and I do not feel like I am getting much from my wife when she is making demands like this at the peak of a very stressful time for me. Unfortunately, I feel like I must go to everyone else in my life INSTEAD of my wife to talk and for help. I really have a hard time with that, feeling like my wife should be the number one person in life I can rely on. I would want her to feel that way with me if she was going through anything. The closeness I need is just not felt on my end and probably not hers either.

[learnfrommymistake]

Rightlymia

 

I am not saying to "kiss her ass" - I am saying to give what you can, and dont "expect" a return. Love is not a give and take - it is a give. I was not suggesting doing things for her that you do not want to do, but specifically if the ways to be close right now are not your preferred (sitting at home watching a movie) but maby still things you could enjoy, do that. Give some time and effort to let some things settle down, showing you are doing your best. That is why I suggested the "fixed time" to put off some more difficult discussions/issues - focus on the more specific, solvable issues first.

 

Or give up, loose the relationship you have, and move on. Just be ready for the crushing pain that comes from realizing what you have lost - that usually does not come untill after you have lost it.

[JustBreathe]

i'm with learnfrommymistake... it's not kissing her butt to try to connect with her somehow. something has to change and someone has to get the ball rolling.

 

i was thinking that same thing - you say you like to golf, etc., well what about trying to find someting you can do together (salsa or tennis lessons, hiking, walking in the evening, music concerts, brunch on Sundays, anything).

 

around 10 years ago, i'd say we were alot like you two. i was pretty much hyper. working all the time, cleaning house, cooking up a storm. i was trying so hard to do more so he could relax and feel less stress. i thought that's what he needed. it was frustrating because i was lonely and felt cut out of his life. i wanted to have more time with him but he just wanted to sit and be sullen and depressed. so i went and entertained myself elsewhere and gave him the space i thought he needed. but i was lonely. and so was he. he wound up sleeping with a woman at work because of it. we had sex all the time! i was confused. i was devastated because i really did love my husband. i felt boxed in. if i tried to talk to him, i felt like i was bothering him. if i didn't, then i went around with my stomach in a knot. i would suggest going out with him, wanted some fun and levity, but he would hardly ever go and when he did, he wouldn't relax and have a good time.

 

if you are truly that unhappy with her, then seperate from her, don't drag her around like i was dragged around. keeping her on a string. i know you don't mean to. but that's what it feels like to her. like you don't care about her anyway. like you don't want a family with her. like you don't want HER. i wish my husband had left and given me a chance to be happy instead of screwing around behind my back because he was lonely and depressed. if he didn't want to be a family man he shouldn't have started a family, but it was his idea to have all three kids! not that i minded. it was just HIS suggestion that we get pregnant.

 

don't have kids until you are ready. marriage is work. it doesn't get good and stay good all by itself. you have to work at it. so... you need to talk to her. be with her. TRY. if not, then leave her alone as it is more painful to be with someone you love and feel neglected than to be alone.

 

it is so easy to blame your unhappiness on your spouse but your happiness comes from you. figure out what you need and don't need. if it isn't her, she will be better off finding another partner to have a family with. it isn't selfish of you to want your time to golf, etc., but is really selfish of you if you keep her as a wife when you don't want her.

 

sorry if i sound over-emotional, but this sure strikes a chord with me. if my H had left me when i only had the one child, before the other two boys were born, i would be a free woman right now, as he is 21 years old and in the miliatry. but ... i can't be free now. they're 10 and 13. i have to wait another 5-6 years. and my husband STILL isn't happy and i've come to realize that he never will be. it matters little what i do. i cannot change him. he will forever find fault with everything instead of just being appreciative of what he has. he is never satisfied.

 

it sucks. don't do this to her.

[learnfrommymistake]

SF33M and TempSain

 

How are you guys doing? Any update on your situations?

[TempSain]

Good to see you registered finally.

 

I am still thinking about getting a Divorce. Although I am doing much better.

Wife has no idea that I am even thinking about this.

She is a good woman. It's just me. I am never happy with what I have and I always want more.

I look at alot of my friends that are married and see that they have a better relationship with their wives and it makes me want the same.

 

I know its not fair but I do think about my past relationships and compare my x GF with my wife.

Of course the Xs seem better than what I have. Wish it wasn't so.

 

The thing that gets me is that I have been thinking of leaving the wife for the last 2 years.

I was hoping that it was just something that would go away but my mind is still the same.

And if I look at the big picture and try to imagine my life in the next 5, 10, 20 years, I think I will still feel the same.

 

One of my good friends is still single and he always comments that I have a good wife and I should not leave her. He mentions that the dating scene is tough and that there are no good women out there.

This may be true but I think that I will be happy just being alone. Is being alone so lonely?

 

How are you doing? Any progress? Any chance of you getting the wife back?

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

 

I am truely sorry to hear that you are still thinking about Divorce, but at the same time see hope in the fact that you are only thinking about it!

 

Have you had a chance to try to do some of the things suggested on this board?

 

I know at one time I really felt like you (except the old exes - I dont have any with any good enough memories to want to go back!)

I thought I would be better apart, alone. It is very easy for these thoughts to build upon themselves untill they seem like certianty.

 

You say your wife has no idea.. but be aware she may be building ideas of her own, and if the two of you hit that wall together, you will

both be devistated. I know that I am in pieces right now, and even though my wife is putting up a good face and seems to be ok, I know that she is still very hurt inside - she has even said so. She just is unable to forgive me for being distant and hurting her. I cannot blame her for this - I pushed her away (not really intentionaly, just the way I was) for so long I am sure that a big part of her feels like I left a long time ago, and she has been preparing herself for life without me for longer than I can imagine.

 

I am finding that being alone is not the hard part - I can do alone standing on my head. What is hard is not being with her - my every waking thought is about my wife - is she ok, how is she feeling, is she happy/sad/angry/content. I worry when I dont hear from her, worried that she is hurt physically or emotionally, that she is alone - I know she has alot of friends, but right now she seems to be really alone even when she is with her friends.

 

We have been talking, I try to stay on regular subjects so as not to assault her with my feelings. For the most part it works - we have had some of the most friendly discussions in the last week or so that we have ever had. And I find that I am truely interested in listening! She tells me alot of what she is doing, and I have tried to share the more mundane things that I have been doing, and the conversations always seem very friendly.

 

I dont know if she will ever forgive me, release her anger, and let down her walls just a little bit to let me show her how much I care for her, but I will continue to do what I can to be there for her as long as I must to let her find what she needs and maby open up to me a little bit. She says there are things she wants to tell me but is afraid of hurting me - what she dosnt understand is that nothing she could possibly say could hurt me as much as being away from her. I have told her that even the worst thing she could tell me could not make me stop loving her, and I truely belive this. All I can do right now is give her time to find herself and what she feels inside. It is tearing me apart every day to know I may never have her back in my life as my wife, but I will not give up on her - we complement each other very well when we let it happen.

 

Try to learn from what I am going through - I know the state you are in, I have been there, and it is very hard to pull away from those feelings, and it is much easier to give up than to figure out what is really in your heart. Take some time to focus on the positive - that may mean digging deep into your memories, but do it, before it is too late. You might even consider some counseling - I wish I had long ago, maby my wife and I would be living together happily now.

 

But I am trying to stay away from focusing on what has been done, and trying to focus on what to do for the future. I am spending alot of time with my kids, enjoying being with them when I can, and enjoying the small times I get to spend with my wife. She was once my best friend, maby if we can become friends again we can work from there into the future.

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

 

I would also like to point out Marriage Builders something I wish I had found long ago.

[TempSain]

Thank you for the update and the website link.

 

Wish there was something that I can tell you to help make things work out with you and your wife.

But we all live through these experiences that help us to grow. From the sound of what you have said, the talking seems to be good for the both of you. Hope that she comes around and realize that it may be a mistake to get a divorce.

 

Your words do help me since you have gone through what I am going through now.

I know that you have woken up to what you want in your marriage but I am still lost.

All I see are the negatives and not many positives in my marriage.

I know my marriage is livable but I just feel like it is empty. Maybe this is how most marriages are. If it is, I think being alone is not that bad of a thing. Being alone gives you freedom and time to get the things you want done.

Where as being married, I seem to spend most of my free time doing things for the wife or things that she wants to do. This makes me feel like I am not progressing in life.

I have no sex life and the few times that I do have sex, I don't really enjoy it too much.

I keep thinking about my x GFs because the sex was good with them.

There is more to life than just sex of course but being married to my wife made me realize that sex is not gonna get any better anytime soon.

 

As far as counselling goes, she won't go. Last time I mentioned it, she was upset and didn't speak to me for 2 days. That alone should say something about her. She holds grudges for along time and she is stubborn.

So I end up giving in to almost everything.

All give and take, .... I do all the giving and she just takes.

 

The one thing that convinces me that getting a divorce may be the right thing to do is that my family thinks that it is the right decision. Let me explain, no one in my family is divorced and they don't believe in it but they have seen me change since I got married and they think that I have changed for the worse.

They think that divorcing my wife will lift my spirits.

 

No simple answer in life, just consequences of your decisions and actions.

[learnfrommymistake]

TempSain

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Sometimes it takes all I have to try to go just one day at a time. I have days or hours where I am really ok, hopefull, think that with time my wife and I can work through this and begin to rebuild our life together - heck, we have been through so much to get where we are. We survived both of her parents hating me at one point or another (tough because she is very attached to her dad),

having a child early in our marriage when we had no money, moving cross country. We have had our ups and downs, but the truth is we really do love each other.

 

Other times I begin to get really down thinking that I may have lost the one thing (other than my kids) that is truely good in my life. Those of you here with encouraging words help alot during these times!

 

I know in my heart it is not really my wife "coming around", but rather that she someday forgive me and put aside her anger with me. I cannot deny her these feelings, so all I can do is do my best to be here for her if and when she needs me, and be as supportive and caring as she will allow me to.

 

I am so sorry for you as you sound so much like I was just a short time ago. The only difference was that I was the one who was lacking sex drive! But I really think that was tied very much to my state of mind and my poor phyisical condition (over weight, out of shape - but I am working on that!). The comment about being lost is so on the mark, I can almost hear myself saying the same things not so long ago!

 

I know I cannot say anything that will help you have the awakening I have had - maby you need to be seperate to have it happen! I would definitely suggest that if you really think Divorce is the only answer, that you first seperate - maby both of you can spend some time reflecting on your situation and find what you miss about each other. Do not take me wrong, I am not a fan of seperation! I also know in many cases it is just a polite or "correct" precursor to divorce, but I know for me it has made me see what I have. Maby both of you need a few days/weeks/months to re-appreciate each other.

 

I would suggest (pure guesswork here) that you approach it with a "planned term" say 1 month, and agree on strict no contact for the first week or so. See how easy it really is for you to not contact her about anything. You will probably find, as I have, you cant go long without needing to talk to her for SOMETHING! Or maby she will and at least the door will be re-open for communication. Without communication there is no hope. If you do seperate, try to make sure it dosnt add any unnecessary burdons - financial, time, etc. At least without kids it should be easy to make sure you both take that time apart to think!

 

Keep posting your thoughts here. It definitely helps you and others to get these things out - to know you are not alone.

 

Good luck, and thank you again for the well wishes.

[Rightlymia]

I'm not saying divorce your wives but I'm saying that I've been single for a while and I love it. I'm actually happier and more sane when I'm single than when I have someone in my life. They usually just stress me out..I like not having to ask for permission to do things. I see this a lot in my friends marriages. "May I please ......?" No thanks! I don't think marriage is my bag baby..

[SF33M]

Rightly:

 

I often think to myself in the manner you describe here and sometimes tell others that are close friends of mine. Their immediate reaction is that I am just a selfish person or that I have the "grass is greener" thinking in my head at the moment. Have you ever been told this? If so, how did you handle it?

 

I am very stressed out with all of the differences that my wife and I seem to have. It has taken 4 years of marriage and now talk of starting a family and spending our entire equity in the house for an addition to bring these things to light. One thing I do not do is the "May I please" bit. I believe that if I or my wife want to do anything apart from each other we should be able to do most anything without a problem. It is not like either one of us is going out all night to bars drinking or anything like that anyway. But I do have married friends that have to "answer" to their wives like some sort of parent or something. I could never put up with that. Marriage is tough.....even just simple stuff like "what do you want for dinner?" Followed by: "I don't know, what do you want?" Just seems like things get stale and old quickly.

[Rightlymia]

I don't really hear those remarks from people. I try not to do or worry about what "society" thinks I should or shouldn't do. I'm going to do whatever makes me happy and right now I'm more happy than I would be if I were tied down to some guy. Don't get me wrong, I do date, I just don't get too serious. I'm having fun still. If I met someone who knocked my socks off I MIGHT change my mind but I'm in no rush whatsoever. I don't feel like "oh my god my clock is ticking" or anything like that either. I have many friends who are unhappy in their marriages. It just seems like a waste of time to me. You only live once, try as hard as you can to BE HAPPY!!

[JustBreathe]

sorry. i just feel so angry today. i do not want to man bash but REALLY i just can't help myself.

 

children PUH-LEESE.

 

why is it that men are forever and ever wishing and pining for something else? why are they constantly comparing their woman with the woman they once knew in high school, the skank down the street, the bimbo on t.v., or the anorexic model with plastic breasts on the magazine cover? why can't they just be happy with what they have? is it really so horrible to have a "good wife" that loves you? does everything have to be perfect? why can't it simply just be what it is? not perfect but enough. instead, they pine away for ex-lovers. wish they were single. feel oh so tired of the bills and the babies. so misunderstood. forever and ever discontent! going on and on about their sexless lives without putting any effort into their marriages and their relationships. without thinking about the fact that women NEED emotion to feel passion. we are NOT LIKE MEN. most of us cannot enjoy sex without love. we need to feel loved, respected, admired and appreciated. have you TRIED making your wife feel like more than an anchor around your neck???

 

skanks abound. you can't swing a dead muskrat in the woods without hitting one. but an honest woman. commited to her marriage and her family. committed to YOU, her one man, is not something you should take for granted and throw away lightly. still you will all do it. you will do exactly that and get what you want. NOTHING.

 

men are never ever happy UNTIL they act upon their childish fantasies and destroy what they have. THEN it's why didn't i see? why didn't i try? why won't she love me anymore? why do you men always wait until it is TOO LATE to even consider working on your marriage? then you turn to your woman, when she is nothing but burnt ashes and beg her for another chance.

 

here's news for you men crying for the full moon. what is out there is no better than what you have. it is only different. unless you are the Grizzy Adams back woodsman type who truly enjoys solitude and being alone then stop crying over what might have been and start making what you already have BETTER. do you honestly think another woman would be the answer to your prayers? if so, get out, go get her, and stop stringing your wife along. if not, then turn to your wife and WORK on it.

 

how is a woman supposed to want sex with a man who is so unsatisfied with her? i used to LOVE making love to my husband. it was GOOD. it was ALL i wanted. but it wasn't enough for him. nothing was. now that i feel nothing for him, he tells me if he cannot make love to me he may as well be dead. i agree. we both may as well be.

 

now that he has killed all that is in me, stomped it out, NOW and only now he looks at me and says all the things i wish he would have said before. and i am numb with pain and resentment. i cannot touch him and wish he would go away forever.

 

i have become that which i feared most -- a bitter, angry, cold and lonely woman. this is what he has for a wife now. he has won the battle, i am bleeding to death. victory is his. he should be happy now.

 

but even now he still isn't.

 

as the saying goes: be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

 

think carefully about what is is you want. think hard and long. then commit yourself to either working on it or getting out. don't wait until you have sapped your woman dry, don't bleed her slowly to death.

[Yikes]

On be half of men everywhere... Thanks. You have us figured out.

 

By the way, you just described my ex-wife.

 

Gimme a friggin break.

[JustBreathe]

Yikes:

 

since you have an ex-wife, i would gather you have already been given your break and are happy at long last.

[Hushpuppy]

I have a question, what exactly do you want? My husband is also bored. We nearly divorced because of this. I want to be the girl he fell in love with but I get too scared of messing up. It is easy to say, "Don't be scared." Anyway my biggest question is, how to solve your boredom? I make suggestions, I ask for them too. I try to think of new things to do. What can you recommend?

[Yikes]

Your rant just as easily applies to women just as it does for men... and yes I am happy now, I am no longer being lied to, cheated on, used or constantly treated with total disrespect. I have no doubt that you have been through some tough times but painting all men with the same brush is not only wrong but it is very insulting.

 

Do you think that only men fall for "the grass is greener" nonsense?

 

I think I'll just assume that you are having an extra bad day. I have had 'em too. Hopefully tomorrow you can look at things with a more objective point of view.

[learnfrommymistake]

JustBreathe

 

Being exactly the man you just described, I can only say that at least one of us truely regrets that I have been that man.

 

However, you do overdoo it just a bit - I was not pining for the "anorexic model with plastic breasts" - I was pining for

passion, love, fire that we had had when we first met. It took loosing my wife to realize that I was as much if not more of

the cause of this loss than my wife was. Yes, I had "grass is greener" thoughts, and now, probably much to late, see that

the grass right at home was better than anything that may be out there. I am trying to better myself and be the man that my

wife wanted, even if she will never accept me again - as you have with your husband.

 

But I do have this question to ask - why do women hint, whine, complain that thier husbands dont love them, dont understand,

dont want to be with them? Dont women understand that when they come to you and whine "dont you love me" and we say

of course we love you 1000 times that we start to just get mechanical and loose our own emotion in the response? Why cant women

just share their feelings and accept that we dont always understand hints and jabs?

 

I am not trying to excuse my actions - I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I did not see what was happening to my wife, what I was doing to her, and how I was hurting her. I did not see that she was aching inside and all I needed to do was be there for her. Rather, I would just hide away in my own stupid fantasies about being alone and not having constant conflict.

 

And now, I am trying to be there for her - I have finally found out about a few of her problems, and am trying to reach her to be there for here, even if it is just as a friend. And the response I get is "you were never there before". I have been trying to get her to go with me and the kids to do something on the fourth of july and all I get is "you never wanted to do things together before, we always had to drag you along". Ok, I get it, I was a royal a**h***!

 

BUT I CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST! I CAN ONLY CHANGE THE FUTURE!

It is like she wants me to go back and take back all I have done wrong - but I cannot! So I am trying day by day to do better here and now, where I can. But I cannot do that if she will not let me. I really do want to have the chance to make our marriage work - I love my wife and my family more than anything in the world, and would give my life for them, but I am not even being allowed to give my support!

 

I know I have hurt her, and I know I have done huge amounts of damage. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to repair that damage. But I fear that I will never be able to unless she finds it in her heart to forgive me and let me in, just a little bit. All I ask is a small crack in the armor so that she can see that I am sincere. I DO NOT expect her to belive or forgive in a day, a week, a month, or maby even years. But she just keeps building the armor bigger and thicker. Every time I try to be understanding I get the door slammed in my face. She is making sure I know all about the things that are so bad, but then when I extend the caring hand, she slapps it back with "but you never before" - is this vengance? Honestly, if the only way she can ever forgive me is to pummle me with what I have done, so be it - I will take it. But it gets harder and harder when every time she turns me away it is harder than the last time, even though I am doing everything I can to be there. I give her her space, dont call her and whine, and she calls me to tell me the littlest things, I try to just be there and understand and LISTEN to understand what it is she wants to tell me, but she always has to say something that makes me say how I feel, which makes her angry because I never did before.

 

All I want is her to be happy - and if that can only happen without me, then I will support her in that decision. I have dug the hole, and I will have to live with it. But I want her to do what makes her happy - and really, she dosnt seem very happy right now. She has her freedom (I moved out for her, against my will, because she wanted to be seperated). I take my kids regularly both so that I can be with them and so she can have some time to herself to get her life back on track. I let her decide what times and days are best - I offer suggestions, but I rearrange my schedule whenever necessary to acomodate her needs.

 

And even now she cannot accept what I have done for her - I provied a good house, a good living, financial stability. I let her go out with friends whenever she wanted to, only occasionally took time out with my friends. Maby I didnt show it the right way, but it was the way I knew. I am trying to integrate my new understanding, but it is really hard when the person I am doing it for dosnt want to see it or hear it. Each day we are apart she is convincing herself that it is the "right thing to do" and "what she wants".

 

Can a woman ever forgive? You talk about men acting out their fantasies - this I never did. I came home every night, was with my family, never went out, never even flirted with other women. I havent even kissed another woman since I met my wife. Why is it that this counts for nothing?

 

I love my wife with all my heart, I will move heaven and earth for her. I am raging inside because I know I have caused this but also because she refuses to accept or even consider this. From what you have said you are still with your husband - why? You have stated many times you will not ever let him "back in" - and you seem to be silently saying "no matter what, no matter how long he is better". Men are flawed animals, and our emotional souls are apparently defective, but we do love, and we do hurt, and maby we sometimes require a sledghammer to the head to wake up, but even when we build our walls, they can come down. Our reflex to things getting better is to open up - why is it a womans reflex to things getting better is to close up even more?

 

I would really like to get your input here - you have been brutaly hurt by your husband, and are raging against all men. I belong in that group because of what I have done to my wife, but I am trying to repent and I am trying to be the man she has always wanted. What does it take to get her to stop thinking the grass is greener? Because, as you say, it is not - it is only different. Maby she will find someone who can make her happier for a while, or maby being alone will make her happier for a while, but you state the truth, it will not last. And to go with it our children will be devestated (I am a child of divorce also, so I know first hand that this is never good) and the cycle will be restarted with them. My son (10) is already building his shell, my daughter (7) is striking out at everyone. And my wife just uses this as more ammunition to blame me. I have done nothing for them but try to support them, be there for them. I do not take them down into what is happening with their mother and I. When we do discuss it I just tell them that I love them and their mother but right now we cannot all be together. I cannot give them more explaination because they simply are not able to understand everything. I refuse to give them the "mommy and daddy dont love each other any more" speach, because #1 it is not really the truth and #2 I do not want to teach them that love is something that comes and goes on a whim. How long before they start to wonder when we will stop loving them? And when they grow up what will teach them how to love their future mates without the thought that they will eventually fall out of love? I do not want for them what is happening to us.

 

Please try to come down from your rant (justified, but lets all try to help each other, yes?) and give some feedback that us emotionaly challenged men can try to learn from.

[TempSain]

Wow!

 

So much anger. I won't take your comments personally as I know your having a bad day.

As a man contemplating getting a divorce, I can only speak for myself.

It's easy to generalize what you think of us but we all have our own reasons for not being happy.

I surely have put in my efforts to make it work. I often think that my wife is not trying as hard as I am.

My wife won't even go to counselling with me. How can you say that I am not trying?

I am sure she has her reasons too and I am not saying that I am right here. I am just saying that everyones relationship is different and falling out may be the result of other variables besides the other women out there (anorexic model with plastic breasts).

 

Men and women have different needs and for a man, sex is very important. You bring up the point of a women needs to feel loved. Why is this a necessary pre-condition to having sex? Women should know that a man loves her. Obviously a man proved it by marrying them, so why is it necessary to do all these things just to have sex?

Women usually throw themselves on their man before they get married. Before we married, I could not get my wife off of me. Now, I have to resort to asking, almost begging for it. She never takes my feelings into consideration when I have to ask, she makes me feel like a dog.

If a wife loves her man, shouldn't she be willing to give all of herself to please him?

After all, he doesn't go out and cheat.

Lack of sex will drive a man slowly into the grave. This will make him think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. In time, a man may have to look at alternatives to get his fix, not because he wants to cheat but because its just too much work to get it from the wife.

Yes, I am simple, I want an honest women to love me and give me sex when I need it.

If not, what's the point of being married? especially when know that I would get more by being single.