Cabin Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 So I'm dying to ask other OW (please, please, I'm not really interested in reading your opinion if you just want to bash/belittle/judge/criticize etc.) about A sex. In my A, I am having the WILDEST time in bed. I really REALLY cannot believe how good it is. I have been with my H for ten years and it has NEVER, not even in our first infatuation-stage of love been this sensual, and sexy, and perfect, and rhythmic, and out of this world. Now I know people say you can't base on a relationship on sex, but in some ways, you can. I've been having crappy sex for ten years -- barely having it -- believing that I just didn't have a very strong sex drive. Into my life walks AP, and suddenly we're having earth-shattering sex. If it gets any better, I could die from it. Seriously. So back to the judging of relationships based on sex. My H and I don't have great sex because we don't have a lot in common, we think about the world in polar opposite ways, we are driven differently, and we don't like the same things... AT ALL. My AP and I have great sex because we have the same work ethic, we have the same interest in hobbies and culture, and we are at the same 'level' socially, professionally, mentally, etc. I think my crap sex life at home is a microcosm of the greater failing relationship and I think my stellar sex life in the A is a microcosm of the many other dimensions of compatibility between AP and I. Sex comes so naturally to us that, other when we are actually making love, it isn't the largest part of our relationship at all. We have many many other things to do and talk about and enjoy... sex's just the cherry on top. So I want to know what you think and what your experiences have been. I want to have sex like this for the rest of my life!! Cabin Link to post Share on other sites
daisy love Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Can we talk about sex?? Hellz yea, count me in! Um really tho, I think it has to do with chemistry, not necessarily the A dynamic. I'm glad your getting lots of chemistry!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 My H and I used to have great sex but all that went away with the abuse. It's nothing like sex with my MM. We are so compatible. We are both VERY sexual and touching kind of people. We get down and dirty and it's hot. The kisses can be slow and for hours until we can take it anymore. The world disappears. We have done it everywhere. We just do it when it hits us. I love it! Ugh, to me he is the sexiest man in the world. I always have for twenty or more years. That's my baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 It was to this day the best sex I've ever had. It was fantastic in college before the affair. Maybe that's why I couldn't let go of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 YES!!! My relationship and marriage to my husband never had good sex. Seriously, never. No fog there, he would say that as well. Now with my dMM? OH BOY!!! Sex, making love, ****ing, it is all fantastic and so very good. I have never had chemistry with anyone like with him. I could die happy. Link to post Share on other sites
myname Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 there's also the fact that you never know if this will be the last time, so you're making the most of it... might well have an effect, with a long term partner you get into a more take it for granted, maybe even take it or leave it attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Garrgoil Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 It is always much more fun to drive a brand new car than a very old car. We usually desire with more intensity what is not easily available. Yes, but it seems this thread is about some old jalopies who enjoy very much being ridden by the wrong drivers. Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Affair sex is always intense, Cabin. That's why affairs are so addictive and that's why there are serial cheaters. They want that high again! They come to see that the AP can be interchangeable because it's usually the situation that creates the high intensity. It's like crack. Nothing new under the sun, really. Very well known fact. Long discussed in these threads.... Intensity doesn't always mean love, though. And that intensity doesn't last -- good sex may -- with time. Never. As a mature woman, I'm sure you already know that. P.S. Sorry your sex life with your husband is so lousy. That's sad. I'm sure the standard affair "hit" has even more intensity for you, in view of the circumstances you described. Edited May 10, 2011 by Breezy Trousers Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Yes, but it seems this thread is about some old jalopies who enjoy very much being ridden by the wrong drivers. It's pretty sad to know many folks engage in this kind of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
thissecretgirl Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Im not certain that affairs based solely on sex last the duration. I dont know and Im happy to be proved wrong lol! With my ex MM the relationship was based on much more than the sexual interaction. If it hadnt been I dont think it would have lasted four years; I believe it would have burnt out much more quickly. Indeed there were many occasions when we didnt have sex. But having said all that sex with him was fantastic; it was passionate, experimental, wild and loving. Yes there was definitely an intensity that was almost palpable. Although I dont think that long term relationships can be based solely on sex I would say that I believe good sex, regular sex or at least a similar sex drive and shared expectations is an integral part of a sustainable and successful relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) I used to think the same thing until I read this. http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover.(MM) Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. Now I know why it was so intense,but at the time,I couldn't think!! It wasn't just that it was someone different or more into me or just not my H or better, it was that it was unavailable in the unhealthy sense and it pushed all of my insecurity buttons.Not to mention the best sex can sometimes be the worst for you. There is no comparing LTR sex with Affair sex. It's just not a fair comparrison.And in the end,there is no going back once you have felt it so you might as well divorce now and see what he choose to do once you have.Mine stayed with his wife.I wound up divorced and alone because I was fool enough to think it was real and worth sacrificing over. Affair sex is always intense, Cabin. That's why affairs are so addictive and that's why there are serial cheaters. They want that high again! They come to see that the AP can be interchangeable because it's usually the situation that creates the high intensity. It's like crack. Yep.It stems more from love/sex addiction than much else. But while it's happening...nothing else matters.NOTHING. Edited May 10, 2011 by Heart On Link to post Share on other sites
myname Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 I used to think the same thing until I read this. http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover.(MM) Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. Now I know why it was so intense,but at the time,I couldn't think!! It wasn't just that it was someone different or more into me or just not my H or better, it was that it was unavailable in the unhealthy sense and it pushed all of my insecurity buttons.Not to mention the best sex can sometimes be the worst for you. There is no comparing LTR sex with Affair sex. It's just not a fair comparrison.And in the end,there is no going back once you have felt it so you might as well divorce now and see what he choose to do once you have.Mine stayed with his wife.I wound up divorced and alone because I was fool enough to think it was real and worth sacrificing over. Yep.It stems more from love/sex addiction than much else. But while it's happening...nothing else matters.NOTHING. This whole thread makes so much sense to me now, the turn on was the proving of myself I had to do to 'get' him or something like that. I've done exactly the same thing as bolded above, apart from seperated as wasn't married, but now alone because I believed it was true love and that he felt the same. He's still with his wife and it's been a humiliating painful experience for me. The memories of the amazing sex don't keep me warm at night now. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) All respondents are women, and then we go over to the Marriage forum and men continually complaining about lack of sex. Also I remember reading on LS where most women claimed their spouse's AP was not as good looking.... Why do I think here the women will say their AP's are better looking???? And you wonder why we are so petrified reading LS...... Edited May 10, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 This whole thread makes so much sense to me now, the turn on was the proving of myself I had to do to 'get' him or something like that. For me,I was following his lead.I was groomed to such a huge degree,hooked in with pity ploys about his miserable marriage, his abject desire for me,how "special" I was that he wanted me badly enough to betray his profession, his wife,and ultimately me. Just the mere look in his eyes sent me over the edge.Not to mention his touch.I never even had intercourse with this man,but my every waking hour was spent fantasizing about what it would be like.We did cross the oral sex line and I about lost my mind.It was actually scary at the time and it did leave me seeking his approval on every level,to the point that I denied all else about the situation.I lost almost everyone and everything but worst of all,I lost myself,my pride and my dignity all over a man who had little if any conscience.I came to the conclusion that sometimes...passion rots. I've done exactly the same thing as bolded above, apart from seperated as wasn't married, but now alone because I believed it was true love and that he felt the same. He's still with his wife and it's been a humiliating painful experience for me. The memories of the amazing sex don't keep me warm at night now. Tell me about it.When I read this I had to add a little slap of reality into the mix.Sorry to those of you who are still thinking because he is cheating with you,he somehow considers you special.I know NO ONE could convince me otherwise when I was in the grips of the most passion I had EVER felt in my life for someone.I had to figure it all out myself.I didn't even have a forum for support.I did have a therapist who advised me to "just have a sexual relationship with this man as I was so smitten" with him. Little did she know how her counsel would almost destroy me. But I asked why and what happened alot and found the answers even if I didn't like them.I also had to face the reality when he years into his mixed messages and confessions of love and the motto he had," Always leave 'em wanting more" that he could all too easily compartmentalize love and sex,right and wrong,married and single and his last statements to me were heart offing.... "I only thought I loved you" and "I thought all you wanted from me was sex." OMG.I was devastated to say the least. So yeah....f*ck like banshee's now....but do NOT put any stock in his words...only his actions when he cleans himself up afterwards and skips home to his BW with a big deceptive smile on his face. *********s. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 This is going to sound odd coming from a former BS... But prior to that fiasco of a marriage...I was OW to MM several times in my life. And , in my opinion, there is nothing better than affair sex. Now, dont let my past paint the whole picture of me or my life. I do regret having been OW and I sincerely felt the pain of my H's infidelity... But still, I say that affair sex is the hottest. For the obvious reasons I guess...the taboo, the selfishness of it, the secrecy, the stolen moments. Whatever...but at the time I didnt have to give it a reason, it was just great. Upon reflection...it is still GREAT. Thing is...sex , especially for women, is part of the bonding process. The bonding, the emotions we feel for our partner often generate from the intimacy of sex. As great as affair sex is...it is a mistake often made to think that our feelings for the partner are as great or unique as the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 The best steak we ever had was the steak we had two days ago. If we had a similar steak 10 years ago we do not remember how good it was. This may be a tj, but here goes. I read this and just had to share what happened to me a coupe of weeks ago re: steak. I don't usually eat red meat, but we were at a steak house and it just looked and smelled so good. So, I ordered a filet with peppercorn sauce. Oh my, it was perfectly cooked and so very tasty. Problem was the next day. Since I do not eat much meat, my body went into a bit of shock and needless to explain in detail, it made me sick. So, no more steak for me. It was just not worth it. Had I stuck with the salmon I love so much, I would have enjoyed the meal without having to deal with the aftermath. Now, I have never had affair sex, but if it's like the steak, I'll pass. I'm perfectly happy with my salmon. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Now I must be one of the only ones whose AP was not that great in bed:p I built it up so much in my mind. We were so emotionally entwined. Gawd we could talk endlessly. He kissed like a dream, oral sex was great, but the intercourse...NOT. I do not think he was very experienced so it was a huge disappointment for me. My H is WAY better than my XAP in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 The steak reference is excellent. I agree with that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 The steak reference is excellent. I agree with that as well. Thanks! Steak smells and tastes good, it's just not for me. KWIM? Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 This is going to sound odd coming from a former BS... But prior to that fiasco of a marriage...I was OW to MM several times in my life. And , in my opinion, there is nothing better than affair sex. Now, dont let my past paint the whole picture of me or my life. I do regret having been OW and I sincerely felt the pain of my H's infidelity... But still, I say that affair sex is the hottest. For the obvious reasons I guess...the taboo, the selfishness of it, the secrecy, the stolen moments. Whatever...but at the time I didnt have to give it a reason, it was just great. Upon reflection...it is still GREAT. Thing is...sex , especially for women, is part of the bonding process. The bonding, the emotions we feel for our partner often generate from the intimacy of sex. As great as affair sex is...it is a mistake often made to think that our feelings for the partner are as great or unique as the sex. "The stolen moments?":lmao::lmao: Oh god! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 "The stolen moments?":lmao::lmao: Oh god! Please fill me in on what is so funny. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Please fill me in on what is so funny. The immaturity. Damn shame folks get off on sick behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 "Stolen Moments" is exactly what affair partners have. I wasnt being romantic, the moments are in fact stolen from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 "Stolen Moments" is exactly what affair partners have. I wasnt being romantic, the moments are in fact stolen from someone else. It's actually sloppy seconds and a strong platform of deception. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 It's actually sloppy seconds and a strong platform of deception. OK, so basically the same thing said in a more graphic way. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts