Can we talk about A sex????

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Have you ever considered this to be a chicken/egg dichotomy? Husbands offering nothing for their wives emotionally, mentally and/or physically so women go find it elsewhere...

 

And recent A stats place male #s around 60% and female #s around 40% so it's just women who need to find it elsewhere.

 

No everyone of the men "complaining" about sexless marriages are "perfect" husbands. I'm sure the wives too are "perfect'.... Talk about conjecture and jumping to conclusions....

 

Again why is it 100% women here talking about their great affair sex and 90% of males (excluding those where the husband was never sexual and probably sexually confused) on the Marriage Subsection talking about sexless marriages???

[Woggle]

Back to the chicken and egg, then, because these husbands offering nothing to their wives (no-sex marriages) seem to be the same men having the Best Sex Ever! with the OW.

 

I'm confused

 

But about sexual chemistry.....That's real (I know firsthand! ), but it isn't necessarily the mark of a great partnership. Many wonderful relationships have great sexual chemistry, but so do some destructive, rollercoaster-type relationships.

 

Very true. It's funny how these men who are nothing to their wives are suddenly the best men ever for the OW. I think that some women are just simply incapable of finding sexual excitment in a normal relationship and feel the need to have drama or affair aspect to it. The whole cheating and lying thing excites them.

[thissecretgirl]

Honey a skank like you wouldn't get within two miles of my bed. Not unless I was wearing a full-body biohazard suit.

 

 

I actually find this really offensive. Obviously you arent able to keep the bitterness and venom under control butat least try to rein in the derogatory comments.

[thissecretgirl]

You shouldn't, unless of course you engage in similar behavior, as the comment wasn't directed at you.

 

This was in response to a comment which was directed at me by an unrepentant, cheating spouse who gratuitously referred to me as "chauvinistic" and "condescending." The woman we are talking about is an abusive individual who apparently believes that just because she can get away with abusing her own husband for years on end, she can do the same with others. ( In fact, she started this thread for the very purpose of celebrating her profoundly abusive behavior of her spouse.)

 

Well, she can't abuse everyone, you see.

 

Most offensively to me, she somewhat crazily implied that for some reason I would ever want to have sex with the likes of her. Talk about "condescending" and "offensive"! What kind of woman ONLY relates to other men by viewing them as potential sex partners--even strangers in a dialog on the internet?

 

From my viewpoint, it was incredibly derogatory and offensive, and frankly, quite disgusting and revolting, for this person to haughtily state that she would run screaming from MY bed. That would never happen, and I explained exactly why. Her assumption that somehow, she is a universally-wonderful and desirable sex goddess simply because she has found one guy who is willing to have an affair with a married woman, and pretend that it's the greatest sex in the world, is very sick IMO. And, yes--"skanky." If the shoe fits, and so on.

 

Now, pish posh, run off, and if you insist on taking umbrage, why don't you take it at women who betray their husbands, and happily so?

 

Got it?

 

I think your post says it all.

 

You really dont get it do you.

[BB07]

I actually find this really offensive. Obviously you arent able to keep the bitterness and venom under control butat least try to rein in the derogatory comments.

 

 

What he said was nasty and uncalled for. The best thing to do is hit the alert button and report posts such as that. Reminds me of another poster who recently departed. Makes you wonder if they reincarnated themselves.

[Cabin]

From the original post in this thread:

 

You will all please carefully note, that none of the items in bold, to which the OP attributes her "great sex" with her AP, have anything to do with actually having sex. None of the garbage she is talking about here, relates to what actually goes on in the bedroom.QUOTE]

 

Oh Garrgoil. I had no inclination to respond to your earlier rant... but THIS kills me. You clearly have NO IDEA about having sex with women.

[crazycatlady]

From the original post in this thread:

 

You will all please carefully note, that none of the items in bold, to which the OP attributes her "great sex" with her AP, have anything to do with actually having sex. None of the garbage she is talking about here, relates to what actually goes on in the bedroom.QUOTE]

 

Oh Garrgoil. I had no inclination to respond to your earlier rant... but THIS kills me. You clearly have NO IDEA about having sex with women.

 

Ignoring the rant as well (because that was totally out of line), I actually thought that post had a point because as a woman, I don't get what any of those things she mentioned have to do with having great sex either.

 

I've had amazing sex with people I had none of that in common. I have out of this world sex with someone that I do have all of that in coming but that's not why the sex is great. Its great because we have many of the same kinks, similar sexual desires, and he has going down (tmi) down to an art form! But none of that has to do with having similar work ethics, social status etc. It has everything to do with him being an amazing lover. But he turned me on from the moment I first met his eyes, way before I knew we even matched those other areas.

[thissecretgirl]

What he said was nasty and uncalled for. The best thing to do is hit the alert button and report posts such as that. Reminds me of another poster who recently departed. Makes you wonder if they reincarnated themselves.

 

Yeah, I did think the same thing BB07 and thanks for pointing out the alert/reporting thing. I've seen it and so far never used it

 

I see he has edited the rest of the verbal abuse contained in that post.

Edited May 12, 2011 by thissecretgirl

[John Michael Kane]

I think your post says it all.

 

I think so too.

 

You really dont get it do you.

 

Ya he gets it, but I don't think YOU do.

[thissecretgirl]

Back to the chicken and egg, then, because these husbands offering nothing to their wives (no-sex marriages) seem to be the same men having the Best Sex Ever! with the OW.

 

I'm confused

 

 

I dont find this part confusing at at all and i've been the BS and OW. In my marriage our sex life was non existant towards the end and in all honesty pretty mediocre when it was active. With hindsight we werent really a good match. We divorced and he ended up with his last AP and they now have children together. Do I think that her experience of him between the sheets was the same as mine? Absolutely not lol. I believe they probably shared a connection that he and I didnt share. They may well have seen fireworks when all we saw was a fizzle and that was on a good day lol.

 

Very true. It's funny how these men who are nothing to their wives are suddenly the best men ever for the OW. I think that some women are just simply incapable of finding sexual excitment in a normal relationship and feel the need to have drama or affair aspect to it. The whole cheating and lying thing excites them.

 

I dont necessarily agree with this either. Sure it might be the way for a small percentage but I would imagine for many that the illicit nature of affairs is far from exciting; surely the pain expressed on this forum illustrates that.

[Woggle]

People in affairs are like drug addicts. It is obvious to the world they are dying inside but they feel ten feet tall when they are on a high. The lows are very low but the highs are very high and that is what keeps them hooked.

[Breezy Trousers]

I agree with this. I was having the most amazing sex with my SO at the same time he was banging that other chick. I asked him why he thought it was so good (once everything was outed) and he said "because I thought these were the last times we were going to touch" Once he stopped taking me for granted, his appreciation of me showed on his face and I responded accordingly apparently. So ya I think attitude has much to do with the mind blowing effect everyone is talking about in this thread.

 

So true! My husband and I have always had a great sexual connection -- in early days, it was just as Cabin described. Then, as years passed, happy sex but not hot, sweaty, crazy sex. Just not possible to carry that intensity years into a LTR, let's face facts ..... Then I discovered my husband's infidelity and showed him the door. He chose to stay and get treatment. OMG. TOE CURLING, eye rolling sex. Unbelievable! :D:D

 

Now we're back to happy sex.

[NoIDidn't]

From the original post in this thread:

 

You will all please carefully note, that none of the items in bold, to which the OP attributes her "great sex" with her AP, have anything to do with actually having sex. None of the garbage she is talking about here, relates to what actually goes on in the bedroom.

 

Oh Garrgoil. I had no inclination to respond to your earlier rant... but THIS kills me. You clearly have NO IDEA about having sex with women.

 

I thought the same thing when I read that rant. It seems pretty clear that this poster hasn't learned that women often don't look at sexual things and derive sexual feelings. We need those other things if we are to have the emotional connection needed for letting go during sex.

 

 

I've had amazing sex with people I had none of that in common. I have out of this world sex with someone that I do have all of that in coming but that's not why the sex is great. Its great because we have many of the same kinks, similar sexual desires, and he has going down (tmi) down to an art form! But none of that has to do with having similar work ethics, social status etc. It has everything to do with him being an amazing lover. But he turned me on from the moment I first met his eyes, way before I knew we even matched those other areas.

 

I can understand this point of view if its coming from one who has casual sex frequently with other people - married or not. Its about sex for sex's sake. Its not about emotional connection, its about getting off.

 

But for the woman that needs an emotional connection, knowing that their partner has many things in common AND that they love those things adds to the sexual experience.

 

Not everyone can have no-strings-attached sex.

[Silly_Girl]

Very true. It's funny how these men who are nothing to their wives are suddenly the best men ever for the OW. I think that some women are just simply incapable of finding sexual excitment in a normal relationship and feel the need to have drama or affair aspect to it. The whole cheating and lying thing excites them.

 

Gotta love a good generalisation with your morning coffee!

 

How about, in some cases, the spouses were not suited to one another, but were VERY well suited to others....?

[thissecretgirl]

Gotta love a good generalisation with your morning coffee!

 

How about, in some cases, the spouses were not suited to one another, but were VERY well suited to others....?

 

Now now SG, dont come over here being all reasonable and talking common sense

 

Surely, it could never be as simple as that?

 

Oh wait.....it was in my own marriage!

[Woggle]

Gotta love a good generalisation with your morning coffee!

 

How about, in some cases, the spouses were not suited to one another, but were VERY well suited to others....?

 

Why not just marry people they were better suited to? Also why is it that in most cases when an affair does actually turn into a real relationship the same exact issues pop up again.

[Silly_Girl]

Why not just marry people they were better suited to?

 

Most of us are mere mortals and make mistakes sometimes. Particularly when we're younger. It takes a lot, sometimes, to come to terms with that fact.

[crazycatlady]

I thought the same thing when I read that rant. It seems pretty clear that this poster hasn't learned that women often don't look at sexual things and derive sexual feelings. We need those other things if we are to have the emotional connection needed for letting go during sex.

 

 

 

I can understand this point of view if its coming from one who has casual sex frequently with other people - married or not. Its about sex for sex's sake. Its not about emotional connection, its about getting off.

 

But for the woman that needs an emotional connection, knowing that their partner has many things in common AND that they love those things adds to the sexual experience.

 

Not everyone can have no-strings-attached sex.

 

You got into an affair with someone who is suppose to be committed to someone else....I don't believe you can claim sex is sacred then. Actually I don't know if you got into an affair, I mean the OW/OM not YOU you.

 

I guess its just part of the pack of lies one much tell ones self to be ok cheating.

[Rooke]

I think the reason the subject of A sex is avoided here is probably because that is the ONLY 'good' part of an A.

 

In reference to what another poster said (my apologies for forgetting whom it was!) that that was why she had such a hard time letting go and it was exactly the same for me.

 

It was incredible, indescriable, unbelievable and it was addictive for both of us. He even said "you're like a drug" and I know that despite what's happened between us that if he ever did get in contact it would be for that reason and that reason only.

 

But the question is, is amazing sex worth all that pain and heartache and lies?

No it isn't.. and you'll find it again with someone else.

Someone who is single.

[thissecretgirl]

I think the reason the subject of A sex is avoided here is probably because that is the ONLY 'good' part of an A.

 

 

I must say thats not my own experience at all. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy sex....very much so, but thats wasnt enough to sustain the affair or the only good part in my mind. If it had been, it most likely wouldnt have lasted four years; I reckon it would have burnt out long before then.

[crazycatlady]

You got into an affair with someone who is suppose to be committed to someone else....I don't believe you can claim sex is sacred then. Actually I don't know if you got into an affair, I mean the OW/OM not YOU you.

 

I guess its just part of the pack of lies one much tell ones self to be ok cheating.

 

Ok this was a little out of line for me. While I do somewhat believe this, I don't like to make snide comments like this because its unhelpful, so I apologize.

 

I do stand behind the belief that having things in common does not make sex great or sex bad. Sex is chemistry, sex is compatability (sexual not mental), sex is technique.

 

I was thinking about this on my way to work. I have several ideas about this on why A sex just might be more thrilling then married sex.

 

A sex often comes after a lack of married sex.

 

A sex often comes after married sex gets stale (its hard after the first 2 years to really keep sex alive and interesting if its not a priority and its not often a priority once kids happen).

 

A sex usually happens when someone is older. Its been shown that the older women are, the more comfortable they are sexually. The more comfortable you are with sex, the better sex will be.

 

M sex is frequently taken for granted, or you get stuck in a rut. You know what the person likes and you tend to do just that. Especially if there is a problem, you might not be as open exploring new things because you are kinda resentful.

 

A sex starts off as new sex...But its new sex between experienced partners who often know what things they enjoy so can impart what they like. So its the best of both worlds. The new which can be thrilling or you might just find out something new, and the ability to impart what you KNOW works for you. Where as m sex often is between younger less assured people when it got started.

 

As pointed out, I don't hold sex as sacred. However I don't have a lot of outside partners. I haven't had another male lover in over two years aside from my husband. Last new woman was about a year ago. Being open does not mean I sleep around, or even want to sleep around. I'm extremely picky about who I have sex. I have amazing sex with my husband, so if chemistry isn't there, I'm not even going to think about it. I also won't sleep with married men unless I've spoken wit the wives for myself. Which is a pity, I know of one guy man I would love to accept his offer, but he's married and I won't do that even if I think the woman is a witch and probably deserves it. But, I still won't go there.

 

Sex with my H was great in the beginning...then we hit the take for granted stage and sex got really bad, and so I put off more then I can believe now adays and then our marriage hit a really rough spot (not infidelity but learning how to get through that did help me get through the infidelity) and sex because important as a way for us to connect. And its still important. Which is why when it came to his affair, it wasn't about sex and it definately wasn't about it being amazing sex.

 

So that's my case for why similarities out side of the bedroom does not matter for sexual chemistry.

[Cabin]

Thanks for many terrific replies and some thoughtful discussion on this.

 

In my case, the issue of just NOT being sexually compatible with my H is definitely the core problem. And it's not like we were really sexually compatible when we met... but we were in our early 20s, and we went out and partied a lot, and I think we both thought sex was good if we both "got off".

 

Fast forward ten years and our sex still meets that criteria for "good", in that we both orgasm with ease... but it is not intimate. And even the joy of an orgasm isn't enough to make me want more.

 

And this is the point I am getting at about women and sex. To me, it isn't about the physical mechanics almost at all. If it were, I would be satisfied with my sex life in my M.

 

What good sex is for me now (thanks for my A I realize it) is having someone inspire/challenge/motivate/nurture me on many levels: mentally/intellectually, spiritually, emotionally... after that, the physical falls into place.

 

NOTHING turns me on more than a great conversation with my AP that just makes me want to rip off his clothes, and mine too!

 

And no - that doesn't make me a skank. I've had few lovers in my life. I've never been unfaithful prior to this. I will not do this again because the emotional roller coaster of the A is quite painful, as others have pointed out.

 

But I am enjoying it now while I have it... and I will never settle for a relationship that isn't as fulfilling again.

[Silly_Girl]

I think the reason the subject of A sex is avoided here is probably because that is the ONLY 'good' part of an A.

 

I don't think that's the experience across the board. There's a lot of love described by OW posters. It's not all about the horizontal jogging, and it certainly wasn't like that for me.

[Rooke]

I don't think that's the experience across the board. There's a lot of love described by OW posters. It's not all about the horizontal jogging, and it certainly wasn't like that for me.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect everyones equally. It's just my opinion and experience that the general rule of an A is that there can't be love, I think the OW can obviously be in love with their MM but it's unrequited if a MM is going back to his wife every night and lying and has no intention of leaving, that's not love. I think MM can convince themselves they are 'in love' with the OW but unless they make the relationship real, then they are not.

It's an imitation love. A cheap knock off.

[Downtherabbithole80]

I know exactly what you mean .... Almost identical but I have

Been married for almost 30 years..... Life is so complicated.

I have known my mm since highschool, we never dated in school

Ran into him at a class get together. This is th first time I've

Said or shared this. Sex.... And everything that goes on between

Us is incredible. It's not about the sex it is about the connection.