Saving a marriage

[rickrobins]

My wife and I have been together since we were seniors in High School. We are both now 30 years old and have been married for almost 4 years. We have taken things slow.

 

I have always trusted my wife to the point where I allow her to do what she wants when she wants. If she wants to stop out for drinks after work with coworkers I don't mind.

 

The past year has been rough for us. I was laid off two years ago. I had a well paying job in the financial world and I was a bit relieved when I was laid off because I was burnt out. I am still unemployed as we speak and I am dealing with a lot of marital/financial issues. My credit has gone south so I can't get back into the financial field. I have to start a new career and at first I refused to settle on a low paying job. I now am at the point where I will take any job but I am struggling to do so.

My wife wants to have kids and own a home. She has been saying this for years. I want to make her happy but wasted a lot of time looking for a quick fix (high salary). I have been depressed for the past year and have not paid my wife enough attention. In the back of my mind I felt like I would snap out of it once I got back to work. Throughout the past year my wife has voiced her concerns with me but I shrugged them off. I trusted her and never thought that she would stray.

 

This past weekend I went to check the time on my wife's cell phone and saw a recent text message that was displayed on the screen. The message was from a male coworker of hers. The message was odd so I decided to look at her other messages. After reading the messages I knew something was going on. At first she denied that something was going on with this guy. She said that he was a guy that she had been discussing our marital problems with and that she no longer wanted to talk to him because things appeared to be going down the wrong road (affair). I had doubts so I kept on prying and eventually found out that behind my back she had kissed him on a few separate occasions.

 

I believe her when she says that intercourse did not occur. However even these kisses are bothering me. I feel betrayed even though I played a major part in her straying. This was a wake up call for me and we are both kind of unsure about how to proceed. I want to make things better even though I feel betrayed. I haven't told her this because she has lost my trust and she was dishonest. I am willing to change and pay more attention to her but she is still confused.

 

I value trust and honesty and this is the first time that she has broken both. I feel like if I am willing to change and forgive but I worry about her. Going forward I am not going to be onboard with her going out with male coworkers. Even though I feel like I drove her to that, you never know what kind of chemistry two coworkers can discover. I am looking for advice on how to proceed in a positive manner even though it burns me up that she went behind my back and lied about the other relationship.

[whichwayisup]

There's more. She has opened up to this guy about you. Your marriage and personal stuff.. He knows how to play her and say the right things.

 

For now, just watch her..See any red flags or her acting out of character?

 

If possible install a keylogger on the home computer. Go stealth mode, drop it and focus on spending time with her, going out to dinner and movies, evening walks etc.

 

I hate to say it, but there could be more she's not telling you. How sure are you that they haven't had sex? How long has she and this co worker been having the A? Is he married?

[whichwayisup]

Going forward I am not going to be onboard with her going out with male coworkers

 

She's lost that right to go with them after work.

 

Is she remorseful? Has she promised to show you her cell, email, IM's? Passwords too, so you can check up on her anytime you feel like it?

[rickrobins]

Thanks for the responses. The two of them just started hanging out about 1 month ago. I know this because I occasionally will go out with her after work. I found these text messages this past Saturday and have continued to break her down about what actually happened. How do I know for sure about sex or no sex? I am the only person that she has ever slept with and that is not me being naive. She knew she screwed up and when I first read the text she said that she didn't sleep with him. At first she claimed that it was just a personal conversation that was leading to something else. I then literally asked the "base" questions as if I was in 6th grade. I didn't say "first base" etc. but I made her tell me the truth about what occured. She said they kissed. It bothers me that it wasn't a one time occurence. She said it happened on two seperate occasions as they were saying goodbye. She does seem remorseful however.

 

Now onto the other guy. He is married and has a child and I made it a point to let my wife know how wrong it was of her to even do what she did with a married father. I asked for the guy's cell phone number. I made the guy feel like a piece of ****. He told me that he has deleted my wife's personal number from his cell phone as that is the only phone that she can receive texts. I told the guy that I am not a believer in payback when it comes to issues like this. Sure, part of me wanted to tell this guys wife about what happened but that would make me feel even worse in the long run. I have been a wreck since I found this out and I don't wish that upon anybody. The two of them do not work for the same company but both companies work together. I will be keeping a close eye out for incoming and outgoing texts.

 

I guess what bothers me the most is that I have never been the controlling type yet at times she can be. "Nice guys finish last" is cliche but man was it true in my scenario.

 

Once again, I am not blind to the fact that I have not been a great husband nor that she screwed up and IMO she took it a step further.

[rickrobins]

I decided this past wednesday to give her some space. Before I did that however I wrote her a letter. In the letter I told her how I really felt and what I was going through during my lay off from work. I expressed my regret and told her that I want to work things out and to treat this "break" as time to think about "us" and "only us". I asked her not to be in personal contact with this other guy. I have been sleeping at my parent's house at night and going back to our house during the day while she is at work. I am not working so I am doing things around the house to help her out. I have tried my best to give her space and not remain in contact.

 

I ran into her this past Friday by accident. It felt strange but in a good way. We were both smiling and even though it was only 2 days of seperation it felt like years. So from Friday until this past evening I felt like things were going to work out.

 

In the past I had always trusted my wife. She broke that trust and even though I blame myself I was willing to forgive her. I thought this break was going in the right direction. I have been taking drives by myself recently and always make a point to drive by my house. Tonight however something told me to drive by a particular happy hour bar that she frequented in the past. I pull in and see her car and a truck that I assumed to be his. I texted her with "How are things going?". She responds back with "Good and you?". I am fuming at this point so I texted back "Great, my parents are taking out to dinner at "such and such " restaurant and will be there shortly. I am in the parking lot of this restaurant so I waited for them to walk out which they soon did.

 

She has admitted to having feelings for this guy and I know I drove her to that. I don't think these lies and sneaking around have fully hit her yet and I fear that it will take another step in the wrong direction on her part to realize this. I can only take so much more.

 

How do I proceed? I need to prove to her that I am willing to change yet do that without contact which she has suggested. If she ends up sleeping with him (which I don't believe has happened yet) I can't forgive her. She hasn't treated these past 5 days of "time off" like I asked her to. I need to appear strong yet not needy in fear of losing her. Sorry if there is confusion but I am a mess. I will answer any question that is asked by the members here. I really want to fix our marriage. Thanks in advance.

[FryFish]

Ok, so she refuses to end contact with the guy she is having an affair with? In fact they still go out drinking together...! You can be almost certain that they have ****ed. The guy lied about braking contact with your wife... TELL HIS WIFE! That will remove him from the picture for at least a little while. At this point, giving your wife SPACE wont fix your marriage... She will use that space to **** her coworker some more.

[Lovelybird]

What are reasons you are depressed before the "affair"?

[John Michael Kane]

Ok, so she refuses to end contact with the guy she is having an affair with? In fact they still go out drinking together...! You can be almost certain that they have ****ed. The guy lied about braking contact with your wife... TELL HIS WIFE! That will remove him from the picture for at least a little while. At this point, giving your wife SPACE wont fix your marriage... She will use that space to **** her coworker some more.

 

Exactly. But I would not only give her space, I would give that home of yours some space, by throwing her things out and filing for divorce. Tell her she can keep on cheating but you will not put up with it.

[rickrobins]

What are reasons you are depressed before the "affair"?

 

Loss of great job and knowing the fact that my poor credit would prevent me from coming back to a similar field any time soon. In PA financial companies are allowed to check credit as part of their background check. One day I want to own a home and have kids. I wanted that with my W and attempted to get a similar paying job and it took 1 year for me to realize that it wasn't going to happen. I eventually convinced myself that I needed to settle for an entry level position in a new career. That was my last resort and I am finding it just as difficult to find a job that I am overqualified for. I am currently doing odds and ends jobs.

 

My W and I have a mutual friend that has decided to step in and attempt to fix this situation. She is not happy with what my W is doing and told me tonight that I should cut ties with my W in terms of our former living and her current living situation. I am going to do that.

 

I am convinced that there is more to this story. I think that there are more lies that will eventually eat away at her.