Relationships doomed to fail because people are too much in their heads?

[2SidestoStories]

We see with enough frequency here on the boards as well as in our daily lives, I'm sure, the ends of relationships. Scenarios vary from instance to instance (i.e. cheating has occurred, et cetera.) I have spent some time pondering this, having had my share of failed relationships, and have a question to pose:

 

Do you think that people get an idea in their heads as to what the "perfect" relationship ought to be, and that when they find someone who seems to perhaps fill certain key elements of that fantasy relationship they dive in, only to be disappointed when their dream person turns out to like crunchy instead of creamy peanut butter? (I know I'm exaggerating, but I really don't want to get too into the details! )

 

Are people so completely willing to be in relationships they know are terrible for them because they're too uncomfortable with the notion of being alone with themselves?

 

Why is it 'abnormal' to be content in aloneness rather than miserably with someone(s)?

[moimeme]

Do you think that people get an idea in their heads as to what the "perfect" relationship ought to be, and that when they find someone who seems to perhaps fill certain key elements of that fantasy relationship they dive in, only to be disappointed when their dream person turns out to like crunchy instead of creamy peanut butter?

 

Nope. I think that people know their 'prospects' are not perfect, but think their expectations are too high so drop them - only to find they should not have;

 

OR that the 'prospects' tend to present themselves as creamy and we are willing to believe it. We don't spend enough time figuring out whether their claims of being creamy are true and find out about the lumps only when we've bought the jar.

 

Are people so completely willing to be in relationships they know are terrible for them because they're too uncomfortable with the notion of being alone with themselves?

 

Some people are. A lot of others think they ought not 'desert' someone or that they are supposed to try to weather the rough spots and not give up on a relationship easily.

 

Why is it 'abnormal' to be content in aloneness rather than miserably with someone(s)?

 

It isn't. You're just hanging around too many students. In the real world, it's no biggie.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You ain't say nothing but a word!!!! You are so dead on!

 

Yes, one thing I get from reading some postings is that people don't do background checks before they get completely involved in relationships and they don't ask the right questions they should in order to find out if this person is the right one for them. When my husband and I were dating, I wanted to know how he treated his mother, what kind of relationship he had with her, his father, sisters, brothers, friends, what was his attitude about women, what was his attitude about work, infidelity (if he had cheated on any of his girlfriends and if so why), all of that. And I didn't just take his word for it. I watched him interact with his friends and relatives and found out from them if here were being phony just to impress me, or did he really treat them and behave with the them the way he had when I was around watching. I also asked them questions about him. I found out some things I did like and some things I wasn't happy about, but they were imperfections I felt I could live with. You have to use your head as well as your emotions when you're in a relationship. You are making an investment when you enter a relationship. You're investing alot of time and energy, and you want to make sure that those things are not being wasted, so you have to learn alot of about who you're planning to invest in. You can't just go into a relationship hoping everything will work out the way you dream. That's wishful thinking and it doesn't work. There is no such thing as an "ideal" relationship. No one will ever meet everything you want in a mate, but you have to know what you're willing to live with and live without.

[2SidestoStories]

OR that the 'prospects' tend to present themselves as creamy and we are willing to believe it.

 

I think this is one of the underlying aspects of what I was driving at with the original question, though I did not actually get to that point, perhaps.

 

It isn't. You're just hanging around too many students. In the real world, it's no biggie.

 

I would agree with this, except that I've seen it in many non-student type relationships as well. For example, a gent I met around 2 months ago was having his live-in girlfriend go back overseas (they're living here in the Desert for a brief stint; they're both retired, at least for the moment) to visit her daughter and new grand-baby. He was in the process of affair-hunting, hence why he approached me, I guess. I told him to take a long walk off a short cliff, and to be sure there was plenty of prickly-pear cactus below. At any rate, one of the things he said to me about his gf was that "the heart of it just wasn't there anymore," and that this had happened with his ex-wife, as well. Interesting point: he didn't leave his wife until the gf was solidly in the picture. (Schmuck!)

 

A lot of others think they ought not 'desert' someone or that they are supposed to try to weather the rough spots and not give up on a relationship easily.

 

This is especially poignant. I know I've been in that situation (as moi well knows!) more than once.

 

To ThisGirl: Awesome for you, lady!

No one will ever meet everything you want in a mate, but you have to know what you're willing to live with and live without.

 

VERY good point. Thanks for your input!