I cheated on my boyfriend that is in jail. Do I tell him?

[csooms]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 13 months now..It is my first serious relationship and I absolutely love and care about him so much. He got locked up in October and gets out in about 20 days. I haven't seen him since January and we are able to talk on the phone for 10 minutes every week. No one I know can understand what I've gone through with my boyfriend/bestfriend being taken away from me. I've been 100% faithful until 2 days ago when I went to a friend's party and got blackout drunk. I am not close with any of these people and none of them knew I had a boyfriend but one of the girls I met there told me the next day that I made out with some guy and I don't even remember at all. I feel guilty about it still.

He would be heartbroken if I told him bc he has been done wrong by other girls in the past and he tells me he completely trusts me. I don't know if I should tell him?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Why did he go to jail?

[csooms]

He got charged with aggravated assault misdemeanor and was given 120 days boot camp but was in jail for 4 months before he was able to start BC. It was a case from 3 years ago that he has been fighting ever since. This happened before I even knew him that came back around on him. He is an amazing loving guy and is not the type of person to get violent. Basically he was young and was somewhere at the wrong place, wrong time with the wrong "friends". He was given the lightest sentence out of everyone which we are thankful for but he really should not be there in the first place.

[csooms]

'we' as in his family and I

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Of course you shouldn't tell him (based only on what you've said here)

 

 

IF somehow you learn that a mutual acquaintance has photo evidence of your cheating, then consider telling your boyfriend before he finds out through other avenues.

 

 

 

The common sensical rule is this:

 

 

IF there is a realistic chance that the partner will find out through other channels that you cheated, then you tell them first, to reduce the impact.

 

IF there is little or no chance that your partner could find out otherwise, then you never tell them.

 

 

Persons telling their partners about having cheated when there is little or no chance of those partners finding out through other channels, are quite typically attempting to incite those partners to initiate a break-up for they themselves not being bold enough to do so.

[csooms]

I hate to be the new guy who contradicts the established member, but I just can't for the life of me agree with this. I have a few very very good reasons...

 

1. I have done exactly what you have. I fooled around with a girl on my girlfriend by accident when my inhibitions were down (I was drunk). I never felt ****tier in my life... Even though there was no chance of my girlfriend finding out, I still told her. Even though she hates that it happened, she appreciates that I told her.

 

I can tell you that me and my girlie are still together and we trust each other more than ever. It was rough on her, but she thanked me for telling her.

 

2. If you don't tell him, then you will feel guilty and the guilt will never leave your mind. It will be a dark shadow in your head constantly. You will forever fear him finding out.

 

3. If you don't tell him, the trust in the relationship will go down. Both of you will feel more distrust toward each other.

 

4. If you tell him, he may get very upset. It is possible he may want to break up with you. Put yourself in his shoes, he would want to know. The idea that "you shouldn't tell him because he might break up" is selfish and comes from selfish lust. Unselfish Love is "I want him to be happy even if he decides to leave me."

 

Before you tell him though, make sure you do a few things.

 

1. Get all the details EXACT. Figure out where you were, what happened, how long, etc. He's going to ask, "did he grope you? Did he feel you up? Did you have sex? Was this the only time? Who was it? etc."

 

2. Have a plan for not putting yourself in that situation again. Tell him you don't plan on getting fall down drunk around anybody but him. And then, Follow through.

 

Thank you so much for this. This really helped me see things a lot more clearly. Even though it wasn't sex and just kissing, I still have this huge cloud of guilt floating above me for it because it just isn't right after I told him I would be true to him and I've definitely learned my lesson. He also told me (before the incident happened) if there's anything I ever needed to tell him, that I should no matter how much it hurts him...Thank you for the tips also on how to go about telling him. I think it's great that you decided to come clean with your girl. Much respect.

[John Michael Kane]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 13 months now..It is my first serious relationship and I absolutely love and care about him so much. He got locked up in October and gets out in about 20 days. I haven't seen him since January and we are able to talk on the phone for 10 minutes every week. No one I know can understand what I've gone through with my boyfriend/bestfriend being taken away from me. I've been 100% faithful until 2 days ago when I went to a friend's party and got blackout drunk. I am not close with any of these people and none of them knew I had a boyfriend but one of the girls I met there told me the next day that I made out with some guy and I don't even remember at all. I feel guilty about it still.

He would be heartbroken if I told him bc he has been done wrong by other girls in the past and he tells me he completely trusts me. I don't know if I should tell him?

 

You should leave him. You're cheating and unremorsefulness shows how you don't want him nor respect him.

[John Michael Kane]

Thank you so much for this. This really helped me see things a lot more clearly. Even though it wasn't sex and just kissing, I still have this huge cloud of guilt floating above me for it because it just isn't right after I told him I would be true to him and I've definitely learned my lesson. He also told me (before the incident happened) if there's anything I ever needed to tell him, that I should no matter how much it hurts him...Thank you for the tips also on how to go about telling him. I think it's great that you decided to come clean with your girl. Much respect.

 

It doesn't matter if you didn't screw the guy, you still cheated and betrayed his trust. You need to tell him the next time you talk to him. Stop trying to find a way to damage control the whole situation because all you're doing is delaying the inevitable.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

He got charged with aggravated assault misdemeanor

 

Okay, this is a reason why you shouldn't stay in the relationship. Seriously?

 

I don't understand the mentality of women that stay in abusive relationships. He is a violent criminal, he needs to be locked up, and you need to be safe.

[PegNosePete]

Okay, this is a reason why you shouldn't stay in the relationship. Seriously?

 

I don't understand the mentality of women that stay in abusive relationships. He is a violent criminal, he needs to be locked up, and you need to be safe.

Umm. Who said it was an abusive relationship? OP said the crime was done 3 years before meeting her. And he only got 120 days jail time for his crime, it can't have been all that serious. You're saying that nobody who has ever committed such a crime should ever be in a relationship again? Seriously?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Umm. Who said it was an abusive relationship? OP said the crime was done 3 years before meeting her. And he only got 120 days jail time for his crime, it can't have been all that serious. You're saying that nobody who has ever committed such a crime should ever be in a relationship again? Seriously?

 

Sorry, I thought it was more serious. This proves I need to read more, lol.

 

Although I'd be more cautious with someone who has a history of abuse.

[Memphis Raines]

well, I always believe in honesty, and he deserves to know what kind of person he is dating.

 

but then again, you are dating a jailbird. so both you and he know exactly the kind of person each other is dating. so to tell or not would be a moot point. sounds like a buls*** relationship to begin with.

[Memphis Raines]

oh, aggravated assault?

 

well sure, go ahead and tell him.

[csooms]

Please don't give me crap about being with a guy who was in jail. That's not what I came here for, I was just asking for advice. People have honestly got to stop being so judgemental and close minded on people who have a record. Do you know how many millions of people there are incarcerated who have been framed, screwed over by the law, and that don't even belong there? People can make the mistake of associating with the wrong people; you live and you learn. Thank you pegnose, for clearing that up for some people. And I'm obviously not justifying that kissing isn't cheating as opposed to having sex. It still is. (ie, the thread's question)

[Memphis Raines]

Please don't give me crap about being with a guy who was in jail. That's not what I came here for, I was just asking for advice. People have honestly got to stop being so judgemental and close minded on people who have a record.

 

uh, aggravated assault. that means he is violent. what judgement? it is what it is and someone has already "judged" him. thats why he is in jail for assaulting someone.

 

 

Do you know how many millions of people there are incarcerated who have been framed, screwed over by the law, and that don't even belong there?

 

so you are saying he is innocent? he didn't do it?

 

People can make the mistake of associating with the wrong people; you live and you learn.

 

so did you make the mistake of associating with the wrong person?

[John Michael Kane]

Please don't give me crap about being with a guy who was in jail. That's not what I came here for, I was just asking for advice. People have honestly got to stop being so judgemental and close minded on people who have a record. Do you know how many millions of people there are incarcerated who have been framed, screwed over by the law, and that don't even belong there? People can make the mistake of associating with the wrong people; you live and you learn. Thank you pegnose, for clearing that up for some people. And I'm obviously not justifying that kissing isn't cheating as opposed to having sex. It still is. (ie, the thread's question)

 

Okay well if you even want a chance at continuing to have a relationship with him then simply tell him. Just remember if he rejects you, put your big girl panties on and let him go so he can heal.

[Woman In Blue]

People have honestly got to stop being so judgemental and close minded on people who have a record. Do you know how many millions of people there are incarcerated who have been framed, screwed over by the law, and that don't even belong there? People can make the mistake of associating with the wrong people; you live and you learn.

Out of the mouths of babes. You're still young and have no life experience, obviously.

 

People go to jail for a reason. And if others have an opinion on it, they have every right to that opinion. You're blinded by love so of course you're going to believe the poor, poor guy was simply a victim in the wrong place at the wrong time. If he had his sh*t together in the FIRST place, he wouldn't have been in the "wrong" place at the "wrong" time to begin with. Ever think of that?

 

And honestly, who cares if you made out with some idiot at a party while you were drunk? This is only your first "serious" relationship, so you're obviously young and have a lot of living to do before you finally settle down. You're just learning from your mistakes, which is a part of life. Chalk it up to being in the "wrong" place at the "wrong" time and see how that flies with your boyfriend. Hey - it worked for HIM with you, didn't it?

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

How old are you and your BF?

 

My advice would be to err on the side of honesty.

 

I suspect his current circumstances were evident during the 13 months you've been together and how he's dealt with them and you during that time will be a good indicator of future behavior. Only you know those facts and perceptions.

 

If you and he are young, I would wait to discuss this issue with him until after he is released. His reaction, if informed while in boot camp, may cause conflict within his program. Also, I think such things are better revealed and discussed face to face, presuming the relationship is a serious and meaningful one.

 

Good luck

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1. I have done exactly what you have. I fooled around with a girl on my girlfriend by accident when my inhibitions were down (I was drunk). I never felt ****tier in my life... Even though there was no chance of my girlfriend finding out, I still told her. Even though she hates that it happened, she appreciates that I told her.

 

 

 

Nuf said...

 

 

(and I certainly have NOT... ever... sunk to your level)

 

 

Just because you very clearly committed a wrong... doesn't mean that a second wrong makes it right.

 

Selfishness is what got you where you are, and selfishness is how you justify the next wrong move.

 

 

Just exactly what did you expect an emotional woman to say in response to your having told her? :

 

"G** D*** you, why did you have to TELL ME????"

 

 

It amazes me how terrible people treat those they profess to love.

 

 

Finally, the best way to step around the consequences of your own selfishness, is never with more selfishness.

[John Michael Kane]

If he had his sh*t together in the FIRST place, he wouldn't have been in the "wrong" place at the "wrong" time to begin with. Ever think of that?

 

The same applies to her.

 

And honestly, who cares if you made out with some idiot at a party while you were drunk?

 

Drunk doesn't excuse it and I think anyone who knew their partner was smooching at a club or wherever, they'd want to know that information.

 

This is only your first "serious" relationship, so you're obviously young and have a lot of living to do before you finally settle down.

 

You certainly have a childish view of adulthood and relationships. Just because this is her first relationship, it doesn't give her the right to cheat.

 

You're just learning from your mistakes, which is a part of life.

 

It's not a mistake.

 

Chalk it up to being in the "wrong" place at the "wrong" time and see how that flies with your boyfriend.

 

Yea just give him so half-assed explanation or lie to him. That will work.

 

Hey - it worked for HIM with you, didn't it?

 

As long as she got her fill, right?

[perfectlyunique]

I hate to be the new guy who contradicts the established member, but I just can't for the life of me agree with this. I have a few very very good reasons...

 

1. I have done exactly what you have. I fooled around with a girl on my girlfriend by accident when my inhibitions were down (I was drunk). I never felt ****tier in my life... Even though there was no chance of my girlfriend finding out, I still told her. Even though she hates that it happened, she appreciates that I told her.

 

I can tell you that me and my girlie are still together and we trust each other more than ever. It was rough on her, but she thanked me for telling her.

 

2. If you don't tell him, then you will feel guilty and the guilt will never leave your mind. It will be a dark shadow in your head constantly. You will forever fear him finding out.

 

3. If you don't tell him, the trust in the relationship will go down. Both of you will feel more distrust toward each other.

 

4. If you tell him, he may get very upset. It is possible he may want to break up with you. Put yourself in his shoes, he would want to know. The idea that "you shouldn't tell him because he might break up" is selfish and comes from selfish lust. Unselfish Love is "I want him to be happy even if he decides to leave me."

 

Before you tell him though, make sure you do a few things.

 

1. Get all the details EXACT. Figure out where you were, what happened, how long, etc. He's going to ask, "did he grope you? Did he feel you up? Did you have sex? Was this the only time? Who was it? etc."

 

2. Have a plan for not putting yourself in that situation again. Tell him you don't plan on getting fall down drunk around anybody but him. And then, Follow through.

 

 

but you have to think was the reason for you telling her because you couldnt handle your feelings of guilt? i dont agree with cheating whatso ever but sometimes telling some can hurt them even more

[John Michael Kane]

but you have to think was the reason for you telling her because you couldnt handle your feelings of guilt? i dont agree with cheating whatso ever but sometimes telling some can hurt them even more

 

Right so it's okay for them to withhold important information from them that could help them make a decision on where they stand in the relationship just to save your own behind.

[Woman In Blue]

You certainly have a childish view of adulthood and relationships. Just because this is her first relationship, it doesn't give her the right to cheat.

Oh FFS. This ISN'T an adult relationship. It's a young girl who obviously isn't adult ENOUGH to know to stay away from jailbirds and is childish enough to lash out when some posters call her on it.

 

As a guy, don't you have anything more manly to do than sit around for hours dissecting people's posts on a relationship board? That's just odd.

[John Michael Kane]

Oh FFS. This ISN'T an adult relationship.

 

But it is a relationship nonetheless.

 

It's a young girl who obviously isn't adult ENOUGH to know to stay away from jailbirds

 

It is a young woman who knows what she did was wrong and is contemplating whether to tell her BF she cheated, regardless of whether her BF is a criminal.

 

and is childish enough to lash out when some posters call her on it.

 

You are right, it is pretty childish.

 

As a guy, don't you have anything more manly to do than sit around for hours dissecting people's posts on a relationship board?

 

So what, a guy can't sit on the computer for a while visiting a public forum as he pleases? Women and their immature, insurmountable stereotypes.

 

That's just odd.

 

Ya encouraging immature behavior and writing it off as "not a big deal, he'll get over it" IS odd.

[samsungxoxo]

Why would a young woman date a violent thug from jail? I wouldn't tell if I were her. I would just break it off and find a sane man.