Am I Being Childish

[DPW]

[font=times new roman][/font][color=green][/color][color=blue][/color] It seems everytime my husband and I go anywhere in public he has to be the center of attention. It gets really old. I feel like I can't talk to anyone without him butting in. The other day we were at a party and some friends were talking about there sons. They said they thought there one son was going to be a professional student. I made a joke and said maybe he should be a go getter. (if you haven't heard this it refers to I'll take my wife to work and go get her.) and old joke about not working and marrying someone with a job and money. Anyway my husband bust out and says yeah if I had it to do over again, I would find me someone and I'd be a go getter. Well needless to say this hurt my feelings. I felt he was saying it would not be me he married. The other couple sitting there turned and stared at me when he said this. I was caught kinda speechless and just said man that sounds like he would have found someone else huh? and they said exactly. To which he tried to back pedal a little and said oh I'd just send you to school and then I would have became a gogettter.

 

Well later at home I brought it up and it seems like anytime I bring up anything, that has hurt me or pissed me off, I get told I have a 12 year old school girl mentality. He never says he is sorry it came out wrong or he didn't mean to hurt me. In fact he raged at me and said yeah I'd find someone that wasn't so jealous and such a baby if I had to do it over. Everytime I bring up anything he always turns it around on me. We have been married for 22 years and I know I could count on one hand the times he has ever said he was sorry or wrong. It just does not happen. I think he is a flirt and always has to talk to the ladies and but in and try to say cutiesy stuff or poke them in the ribs as he walks by. I am very faithful and not a flirt. This gets so old. I really don't know what to do. I am so sick of it. I guess it would be nice to get a little attention myself other than when he wants sex. Am I being really unreasonable. I just really found that whole gogetter thing hurtful. I feel as though I am allowed no feelings or I get told I am being childish, so I find that as the years go bye I seem to turn my feelings off more and more and go to bed later and later. Please any advice??

[sexirubberducky13]

your not being childish at all! He's seems like an ass to me if he won't come to terms that he has hurt your feelings. I wonder if you ever said somthing like that to him? would he get pissed ? If he would then you need serious talking time!

I hope that helped...i'm new lol

[spencer]

your husband acts like a spoiled brat.

first he demeans you in public in front of friends, "the gogetther thing" than he accuses you of being jealous. that's not even logical.

i would like to see you be the "come back kid,"

....like when he said this,..... you would say,....."whos stopping you" or

"oh, honey you could have had a go get her? i wish i knew that, i married you as my charitable contribution to the women of the earth, we all drew straws, I lost"

build an arsenal of put downs.

 

btw, no attention outside of sex=no sex.

theres probably no point in talking to him because he is the type that will "turn it around and attack you." although you can side step this by stating that you refuse to talk to him because he will "turn it around, act illogical, and attack you." once you've said that, when, and if, he actually has the nerve to try that move, you can point out, that he is behaving the way you just described, and he will probably stop rather than admit your right.

 

now on to the center of attention problem. sorry he acts like a 4 year old, you know 'the world revolves around him'. most people will reconize this behavior as kinda sad, unless he is charming and really funny. i dont know from your post.

if i were you i would just go along with him, "honey stop putting your charms on her, you know the girls cant resist you" use the sweet/serious bedroom vioce, that will throw him. he wont know whether your flattering or mocking him. say it in front of the other women too they will think your sweet and protecting them with out hurting your husband. plus you will ruin his enjoyment out of seeing you get a rise from his behavior. or you could ignore him and spend sometime talking to the young good looking guys at the bar.

[aroseInLove]

As I read your post here, DPW, I ached for you... OMG I can identify with your broken heart in that I've seen several husbands do this same sort of thing to several friends of mine that I've had since grammar school.. and they'd do it right in front of ME as if I 'agree and/or can relate and/or condone' even knowing our closeness and loyalties for over 40 years... ..Most often it's about weight and education choices... both are belittling to the soul.... It's sad and it ticks me off to repeatedly witness it through the years.. as I see the words JERK.. F%#@-ING BASTARD... INHUMANE a**h*** written right across their foreheads as those ugly words come to surface from their filthy mouths.. I certainly don't add fuel to the fire.. or egg them on to create more ugly words.. I generally change the subject best I can.. and as fast as I can... while truly aching for the hurt in my friends' eyes.. but later each of my friends would say they're used to it.. they pay their husbands no mind... But your post shows the hurtful 'private conversations' that happen later.. So I am very moved.. as this same type thing could be happening to my friends behind the scenes as well... Now, I know for a fact these friends would never jolt their marriages... They are too comfortable and dependent .. and so they live with it.. remaining crushed knowing this is someone they love.. stabbed in the soul from someone who s/be their BEST ally... So the solution is that something HAS TO be interjected into that too perfectly comfortable soul which has somehow allowed vicious-child-like brain functioning to freely entitle any human such words to hurt or degrade another... let alone their own wife.. of 22 years... I am so very sorry..

 

As I ached... I read Spencer's post... Wowwwwwwwwwwwww... My ache got better!!!! I can't wait to share this with my friends.... All I have to say.. is Thank You Spencer... All you have said is so very PERFECT !!!!

 

DPW, please use Spencer's suggestions and turn the tables of human UN-kindness ... and please post back... I truly care... Meanwhile, I'll say a prayer for your soul to bear his 'stabs' ... and for your strength to use those suggestions..

 

And to you, Spencer, a prayer for that perfect insight and the time you took to relay it so clearly and with such impact... esp. at this late hour... means you are a very special person.. God bless your heart.. rose

[DPW]

SPENCER!!!!!!!! I really had a great laugh when I read this part of your post...like when he said this,..... you would say,....."whos stopping you" or

"oh, honey you could have had a go get her? i wish i knew that, i married you as my charitable contribution to the women of the earth, we all drew straws, I lost"

build an arsenal of put downs.

 

I have to say I would love to be able to do that. That was awesome, I am just not a smartass like him. I have such a need to hear I need you and love you. I feel so unneeded and unwanted sometimes. I don't really understand why getting a laugh out of some aqquaintence is more important to him than how it might make me feel. But it really is. I have pretty much been on the no sex train. I have gotten to where I pretty much avoid him, I stay up late and don't go to bed until he's asleep. That seems to piss him off. I get really tired of being the only adult in the realationship that seems to have feelings. If I try to discuss my feelings with him, its like I said I just get yelled at. Like when I brought up the go getter thing I said do you really wish you would have married someone else? I was looking for reasurance and I got yeah, I wish I would have married someone that wasn't so jealous or didn't act like a 12 year old girl. Never any reassurance. I need that so bad because he has truly broken my confidence. Most of the time I am the quite one because if I try to talk much he just buts in and takes over the conversation. Oh I think alot of people think he is charming, he puts on the nice guy act ready to do any thing and any favor for you. For instance if someone is over for dinner he will get up and start clearing the table and doing dishes and acting like he is so helpful and nice. Does he do this in everyday life at home after dinner. NO WAY. It is an act. I don't know why his desire to impress or get other peoples approval is so great, when he acts like he could give a **** less what me and the kids think. I just get sick of feeling so unimportant, last on the list. He knows I am a very sensitive person, be he really does not seem to care. If it were a stranger or aqquintence he would act so caring. I just don't understand that. People really have the immpression of he's such a great guy! Even my 14 year old daughter has brought this up about how he acts so nice to other people. I have told him this he just tells me I'm childish! Everything goes back to that when I try to ever discuss anything, in fact it is a guarentee if I am pissed about something and bring it up, it will turn out him pissed at me and I will end up with no answers to what I was upset about. It is as though he thinks he should be free to do as he pleases and never answer to me about how I feel about anything.

[DPW]

sexirubberducky13 I think you nailed it he is an ASS, I know that. My 14 year old daughter tells me that all the time. I think at times it is unfortunate that I care so much about him and have let him bring my self esteem down, I am not nieve. I know this has happened. It is almost to the point to where I am just do or say whatever you please and I just won't even have anything to say ever, because I know what his response will be it is always the same. You act like a 12 year old girl, grow up and he then acts pissed at me. When it was him that made the smartass joke about me or flirted with someone. All I ever really wanted is some reassurance from him but he doesn't care about that. He just says I'm childish grow up.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

My husband was like yours. When we first got married, his "jokes" use to hurt me. He would say things to other people that I thought were distasteful. When I told him they hurt my feelings he would say the same thing, that I was being childish or sensitive. Men have a different type of humor than women. Sometimes their way of joking is being sarcastic and it turns us women off, when it doesn't bother them.

 

After accepting that bit of knowledge (and acceptance does not me that you condone it. It just means you realize that it's a reality) and understand that was part of his make up, I didn't let it get to me as much as it had before. Some things I just let it roll off my back and remind myself that he is imperfect and he's going to mess up from time to time. The serious things I will tell him about and let him know that what doesn't bother him CAN bother me. But most of all, I've learn the art of throwing zingers. And that made him think more about what he said because HE didn't want to be embarrassed. Now, I wouldn't belittle him, or call him names, but I would play with his off color jokes. You should learn to do the same. Like when he said if he had it all over to do again, he would have been a go getter, you could have said "Me too. Boy, did I miss out on that one."

[spencer]

i am so sorry you are hurting in this relationship and cant seem to draw any real dialogue out of him. i might show him how a 12 year old girl acts, just once to get it out of my system.

 

you remember right, well if not lets go over it.

 

next argument, when he says something you dont want to hear, turn up the radio real loud, and say "i cant hear you, lalalalalalala". when he yells at you to turn if off, say " you dont own me". then proceed to stomp up stairs to your bedroom, then slam the door, twice. fling yourself on to the bed and hysterically cry "no one likes me." then ask for new clothes.

 

next time he tells you, "you act like a 12 year old girl", say "thats the nicest thing you've ever said to me" or "your right! at least im the older one in our relationship" or " im rubber your glue......."

 

keep a journal of all the negative things he says to you, actually use a calendar, everyday when he puts you down, write it in the daily calendar. reflect on it.

this is something 12 years olds do, were they wrong?

 

i recommend real counseling for you.

[DPW]

Hey turning up the tv loud when I'm talking sounds like what he does! Hmmmm now who acts 12 in this relationship. I am really not sure what they would say to me in counseling. tell me to talk to him. Yeah been there tried that. He goes from hot to cold and no where in between. I never know where he will be.

[spencer]

a good counselor will help you with understanding your feelings concerning his behavior and may help you to change the dynamics of how he uses these weapons to injure your self- esteem.

the marriage wont fully change unless he wants to change too. but a therapist will teach you how to deal better and build up your strenght to confront his behavior and change the way its allowed to affect you.

do it for you. make you better, you said you need love and assurance, well, your not getting it from him, mabye you need to give it to yourself.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by DPW

[font=times new roman][/font][color=green][/color][color=blue][/color] I feel as though I am allowed no feelings or I get told I am being childish, so I find that as the years go bye I seem to turn my feelings off more and more...

 

 

This statement really hit home for me. I've been feeling that way too. My boyfriend is NOT a jerk in public nor does he have to be the center of attention or anything like that. But whenever I have expressed a need for more affection, felt like he didn't appreciate me or care about me, or haven't felt loved, he has tried to make me feel like it's all me. He'll tell me "sorry, if you think it's going to be like it was in the beginning, we have a problem". He keeps trying to make it seem like my needs are unreasonable and I don't think so. No matter how many times I tell him I'm not talking about wanting it the way it was in the "beginning" he always goes to that extreme. We've only been together a little over a year and I don't think the affection and appreciation and things should have died already. I keep turning my feelings off more and more and expecting less and less. I feel like I have to keep my feelings in because it always turns out that HE gets mad at ME. I keep doubting myself and wondering if I am expecting too much. He's also been questioning (in a criticizing way) every little thing I do. I finally blew up and asked him how I suddenly became an idiot after all these years of taking care of myself and managing without anybody in my life. How is it that suddenly everything I do, I do wrong?

 

Anyway, not trying to hijack your post. It's just that your feeling of doubting yourself and your feelings came through to me and hit a nerve. I wonder how you've put up with this for so long.

[Arabess]

I'm with Spencer.....I would be sooooo pissed off that ANYTHING could happen! He would go to sleep in fear of my anger. LOL!

 

Then again, you've enabled him for 22 years to treat you like a doormat. It's hard to change this pattern. It's up to you if you are ready to stand up to him and take whatever consequences which may follow.

 

Chances are if you stood up to him....he'd back way down. I wouldn't do it with words....I'd throw a REAL baby tantrum he wouldn't forget so soon......like throwing all his sh*t in the yard!

 

Before you come up with a plan though, you need to build up your own self esteem and realize you ARE a person who deserves respect....and dignity. Until you see you deserve this.....you won't demand it.

 

If you can afford it, try seeing a counsellor a few times or just find some good web sites and read up!! Empower you own self....THEN go after HIM!

[FolderWife]

FreeMe and DPW

 

My husband doesn't want to be the center of attention either, but he does blow me off with "You're such a crybaby!" and he does get mad if I get upset, or if I get mad at him for something he does.

 

The best thing to do, is ignore it.

 

I used to get so upset when he'd jump on me over something stupid, or call me stupid, or treat me like I'm incapable, but I realized that he's an idiot! I was intelligent and beautiful before I met him, but now that I'm his wife, suddenly I'm stupid, incapable, sloppy, and need to watch my weight! Any time he comments on one of these things, it hurts, but it's hurting less and less.

 

His stupid jokes used to hurt my feelings, then when I'd get upset, he'd call me a crybaby. When I started laughing at the jokes that he aimed at me, and joking back, throwing the joke back, he'd laugh and come back with a worse joke, so I'd do the same, and eventually (of course) I'd insult him, and he'd get mad at me.

 

He's such a stupid crybaby

[morrigan]

It sounds rather like classic narcissist. Look up a guy called Sam Vaknin--he wrote a book on narcisstic personalities, traits of such a person, and how they interact with their family and friends.

 

Galileo was wrong--narcissists know that the earth rotates around them.