LittleB Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Hi All! I have a big problem, and I have no idea on how to solve it. My new boyfriends apartment is so messy, dirty & disgusting! It is not just a neatness situation. His bathroom is so moldy and gunky- in the sink it has that old crust, of shaving and toothpaste. On the floor, it is brown muck-piles of dirt, fluids, and hair. The shower has black mold. The toilet seat is completely sticky with pee stains, and inside brown with #2 remnants. Kitchen counters are are greasy dirty, with all kinds of stains, dishes piled up for weeks (think I saw maggots!) Garbage cans overflowing. Clothes, trash, books all over the floor. He also has two cats, what of course he doesn't clean up after, loads of hair everywhere!!! Hope you get the point by now . As I said before, he is a new boyfriend. I have been dating him for 2 months. I like this guy allot, he is a good-hearted and handsome guy. He seems to keep his self clean, he smells nice. What I do not understand is this... When I saw his place for the first time, it was very gross! He knew I was coming over, because he said he was cooking dinner for me (when I showed up at his place, he said he changed the dinner plans to a restaurant instead -what was a good thing, because I would not eat anything cooked in that kitchen!). What was he thinking showing a date his place for the first time looking like that?!!! The 3 times I have gone to his place since, it has been getting worse and worse - the smell is getting bad. He plans for me to come over, but never cleans before I do so. What I am most bothered about is why he thinks this is okay to let ANYONE see his place looking like that? He has never apologized, or made excuses either. I am a nice and too polite of a person to say anything. Unfortunately, I can't have him come over to my place, because I live where I work. So for "overnights", his place is the only option. But I do not want to go there anymore. He also works from home, so he has plenty of time to clean up after himself. I am not a neat-freak by any standards. But I am so bothered by this, that I am considering ending our new relationship. I know there is a much deeper issue on why he chooses to live this way. It is also something that I know I cannot change about him. It would be one thing to never have me over to his place, and hide that he is this nasty! But, he invites me over???!!! What is going on here? Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Offer to clean it for him. Or get a group of friends in and you all clean it. Or dump him. He doesn't seem responsible enough to be living on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Offer to clean it for him. Or get a group of friends in and you all clean it. NO!! DON'T!! He will therefore expect this every single time, and wonder why you resent it, if you're so willing to do it for him! Or dump him. He doesn't seem responsible enough to be living on his own. Threaten to dump him. And tell him you'll take pictures and post them of Facebook, if he doesn't grow up, and start being responsible for his environment. YUK!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 This is absolutely disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Intricategirl Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 I dated two guys like this. One, I swear, belonged on the show "Hoarders". Unfortunately, he was the cleaner of the two. Decide if the relationship is worth it, and decline ALL dinner invitations at his place. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 You're right, don't try to change him. Ultimatums might get him to change for the short term in a beginning of a relationship but in the long term, after he relaxes, what then? Best to decide what you can live with and proceed on the premise that his priorities appear to be different than yours, at least as it relates to cleanliness and organization. Myself, I'd dump him. Hygiene and an organized lifestyle are huge in my books. Also, relationships shouldn't be a constant nag fest and if they are, there are serious problems and will manifest within the bonds of intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Ultimatums, cleaning for him, or declaring his residence a biological hazard will change nothing; he's an adult with ingrained habits. It boils down to compatibility, you can discuss it with him, but as Threebyfate stated, it's unlikely that his behavior will permanently change. If you can't imagine sharing a life (and a bathroom ) with this kind of person, then it's not in your best interest to be dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedalways Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Does he share an apartment? The only reason I ask is because my boyfriends apartment in general is pretty gross-- later explained to me that he would always clean it but his roommate would always trash it. However, his bedroom is clean... just something to maybe think about. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Offer to clean it for him. Or get a group of friends in and you all clean it. . DO NOT do this. Dump and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Ultimatums, cleaning for him, or declaring his residence a biological hazard will change nothing; he's an adult with ingrained habits. It boils down to compatibility, you can discuss it with him, but as Threebyfate stated, it's unlikely that his behavior will permanently change. If you can't imagine sharing a life (and a bathroom ) with this kind of person, then it's not in your best interest to be dating him. Actually, I have to say, if he's gross in his behaviour now, there is nothing to say his habits are NOT changeable. Character and temperament are more difficult to tackle, but habits aren't such a challenge. Agree, they're gross now, and he really should never have gotten to this stage - but I have many friends who tell me their BFs didn't do *this* or never did *that* and would never even think of doing *the other* but they changed and are now reformed characters. He's just bone idle. Lazy. neglectful. He's let things get out of hand and get on top of him.... And that can change..... you need to tell him he's gross, and if he is embarrassed, but agrees, then there's hope. If he says that it's just the way he is, treats it like a joke and shrugs it off - run a mile. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Uncleanliness is a 100% dealbreaker for me. I don't even allow anyone to sleep in my bed with clothes on because I don't want outside germs invading my place of rest. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 I do agree that people can change their habits. I simply would have some hesitation about his making no attempt to somewhat clean the place when he's invited her over for dinner or to stay the night. Just a reservation that such an amount of messiness or laziness might be carried over into other aspects of his life. If the OP does feel compatible with him otherwise, discussing it first is the way to go about it. See if he's willing to come to a compromise. you need to tell him he's gross, and if he is embarrassed, but agrees, then there's hope. If he says that it's just the way he is, treats it like a joke and shrugs it off - run a mile. Link to post Share on other sites
guy777 Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 You are probably going to have to be ok with cleaning up after him if you really want this relationship. But you could run a test on him, and say. "I can't stay at your place with it being so dirty. If you want to spend the night with me rent a clean hotel 3 star or higher where I'm comfortable and we can enjoy ourselves". Hopefully he is somewhat cheap and will want to get his place cleaned up to save money. After a couple times of staying at the hotel and having a good time (if he does it, and doesn't resent you for trying to change him), you could say "You would rather buy this hotel instead of having a housekeeper come in: really? I've been having fun staying at the hotel, but I was hoping you would get then hint and figure out a solution for getting your place cleaned up, because that's where I really want to be. I don't mind helping out with some of the cleaning, but right now I have to clean my own place. And you're giving me the impression if this relationship goes on, you're going to want me cleaning up after you like your mama did when you were a little three year old. I just can't deal with that." See what happens in the next couple of weeks and make your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Jazzari Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 LOL! This sounds exactly like my husband before we got married. No maggots, but everything else was spot on. He also worked from home and was extremely intelligent and focused on things he thought were important. He considered keeping his place clean a waste of his time and he honestly never really saw the mess anyway. He got marginally better once we got married but mostly he just confined his messes to his office and car. It really didn't bother me much and I used to laugh and tease him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 I only saw the reference to maggots now RUN RUN RUN REALLY REALLY FAST. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleB Posted May 10, 2011 Author Share Posted May 10, 2011 OP here- Just to answer some questions: He is 30 Years Old. He does not have roomates. He is so wonderful outside his apartment. I will not even consider cleaning his place for him!!! Should I see this as him being disrespectful of me? Or that he has other deeper issues? He has many friends, and had many serious long-term relationships - I am sure some of these people would have said somthing???!!! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 No, this has nothing to do with respect. This is who he is, someone who doesn't view maintaining a clean environment, one of his priorities. That he's 30, just means his attitudes have become ingrained. If cleanliness is important to you but you're willing to continue with this relationship, you're either going to have a nag-fest fixer-upper relationship or you're going to have to accept his lack of hygiene. Good luck with getting him to compromise for the long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
chuckles11 Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Should I see this as him being disrespectful of me? Or that he has other deeper issues? He has many friends, and had many serious long-term relationships - I am sure some of these people would have said somthing???!!! This is exactly why you should end this relationship right now. You're already internalizing the fact that this guy is a disgusting pig and seeing it as some sort of sign that he doesn't care enough about you. It does say something that he didn't bother to clean up the apartment before you came over, but given that he's comfortable living in a maggot infested dump, I assume it's just that he doesn't see the apartment as a problem. Heck, you think he'd be embarrassed enough to clean up a mess like that if he thought the cable guy was coming over, let alone his girlfriend. Even if you could get him to change his behavior, it'd likely be temporary until the honeymoon phase of your relationship ended. You're not his mother. Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 OP here- Just to answer some questions: He is 30 Years Old. He does not have roomates. He is so wonderful outside his apartment. I will not even consider cleaning his place for him!!! Should I see this as him being disrespectful of me? Or that he has other deeper issues? He has many friends, and had many serious long-term relationships - I am sure some of these people would have said somthing???!!! 30 - ?!? 30 - !!??!? Good god alive, run for the hills and never look back! He might have had serious long-term relationships - but notice how they're no longer around...? I was going to suggest leaving him a bed-ful of garbage as a leaving present, but he might actually see that as a cosy new companion..... Link to post Share on other sites
thatdog Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Ok this is kinda embarrassing but I can identify with this guy though 30 is pretty old to be living in such squalor (and I've never had maggots!). That said I'm 32 and still working on cleanliness issues . It's hard to tell without knowing his background but I personally grew up in a family of 'hoarders'. I moved out of home at 22 and had pretty much no idea how to clean or what would be a reasonable standard of cleanliness. When you are raised without any awareness of mess it is difficult (but I think not impossible) to acquire this sense later in life. I'm now at the point where I am personally disgusted by the state of my parents' house but I am still what most would consider messy. If you really like this guy you need to have a serious talk with him about the state of his apartment and how it isn't healthy to live like that and you won;t accept it. DON'T offer to clean it yourself but DO offer to help or at least give advice as to how to clean it up. Be aware that even if he does start to clean up his act he will still have problems (if he is anything like me anyhow). What is second nature to most people is going to come hard at first to him because he has trained himself not to notice it. Link to post Share on other sites
little.skittles Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Well at least he's being himself and not covering anything up. Men need woman to take care of them and clean up their messes, they date you for sex, they marry you to be their maid. I wouldn't say anything to him, just remember that he'll probably always be that gross unless he has you to clean up after him. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I've visited student dorms where only guys lived and those sometimes looked nothing short of crack houses. In one kitchen they had unwashed dishes that had been there for weeks if not months. And I looked into the pans on the kitchen counter and there were unidentified swimming organisms in the water in those pans and long white mold hairs were growing out of the plates. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 (think I saw maggots!) Run, don't walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 OP here- Just to answer some questions: He is 30 Years Old. He does not have roomates. He is so wonderful outside his apartment. I will not even consider cleaning his place for him!!! Should I see this as him being disrespectful of me? Or that he has other deeper issues? Nah. I really don't know why people without a psychology degree like to play psychologist. All that you know about him is that he is, indeed, very messy and will likely continue to be so. If you don't feel you can live with that, tell him so. If he makes a change, awesome. If he doesn't, well, you're not compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Before you just break up with him over it, I suggest telling him how you feel--that you won't be going to his place until he has cleaned it because it grosses you out--and give him a chance to do something about it. If he cares about you & respects what you think, he'll do something about it. (Guys are like that...if there's a problem that they want to fix, they'll find a way to fix it.) If he doesn't, THEN you break it off. I know you say you are too nice to say anything, but think about it....do you want him to think that you are okay with the filth? Link to post Share on other sites
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