My Journal... to getting my life back!!!

[geegirl]

It's going to take time to get over this Fetish. I know you want to rush it to get over the discomfort and be done with it. But it took me over a year to finally get to a comfortable stage in my life with my ex-husband and we were married for 7 years. It can't happen in a week, two weeks or even a few months. It's a fading of emotions over time, a long time. I'm not saying you are going to feel depressed for a long time, but in time, while she will haunt you, you will be able to function emotionally and mentally without it pulling you down.

 

Keep training yourself to control your thoughts. Don't allow it to consume you. Replace and replenish your thoughts with you, work, ambitions, plans, etc.

 

My hair started thining when I was in the worst of it. No, it never grew back. Luckily my hair was thick from the beginning so it didn't show much but I could see the changes in myself physically. I wish I never gave someone so much control over my life. While he was enjoying life, I was wilting away. It's the stress. It doesn't just take a toll on you emotionally, but physically. Stress affects your immune system. Once that happens, it takes a toll on your body. You have to start paying attention to how this is affecting you and start making changes.

 

PS: Good luck on the interview! Hope it goes well!

[fetish]

Well had my interview today. I think it went fairly well. My ex started trying to enter my mind as i was driving to the interview, but i had to hit the red X button on that and close out that screen to stay focus on the task at hand. I'm about to hit the gym right now and i'm about to sign up for some volunteer services for "Feed the Children" this weekend. I figure, being misearble is normal but its also a choice. While i'm feeling like crap, I could be putting myself to use and being a blessing to someone else.

 

Geegirl, thanks for your support. I appreciate it more than you know. I just sometimes tend to wonder why my ex still sent me a text messages saying she missed me and wanted to see me. She sent me a message on easter saying Happy easter and I love you. I know i shouldn't really be concerning myself w/this but i just wonder what the motive could be. It's probably just a "filling a bucket w/ water with holes in it" situation.

[Graceful]

Hi Fetish,

 

I was just about to log off and saw your post pop up.

 

Nice going, friend. It's exciting that you're out interviewing and giving yourself the opportunity to make some changes. Your resume is working for you if you're getting interviews, and that's very uplifting.

 

As for your ex, try to remember a few things first and foremost. I never said and you never said she's a bad person. She's made very bad choices, done very hurtful things, and is going down hill despite your best efforts to help prevent it. You can't help her, you can't fix her, and nothing she says or does should make you wonder one iota about her any more. In fact, it's getting kinda boring, isn't it? Remember, it takes 5 seconds to send a text, no effort, no thought, nothing. It's no big deal. Some people just send texts because they're bored and have nothing else to do. So stop analyzing, she's an open book, and you already read it a hundred times over.

 

I'll say this until I am blue in the face, 8 years was too long for that relationship in the first place. If you'd had the strength, you would have ended it years ago. Do not, I repeat, do not ever let a relationship run your life like that one did ever again. No one can be happy in a relationship that is going no where or is forced out of habit. When you're young your relationship should be filled with goals and changes, not feeling like a dead end.

 

And you're right -- misery can be considered an option after a while, you do get to choose if you're going to be miserable, or put your energy into something constructive. So nice of you to get into volunteering, putting your mind and heart into people that really need help, and helping to put some smiles on some faces that really need the help. How can you go wrong with that? Guess what? You can't go wrong. Nice to see that the effort you've put in to getting over your ex is coming into focus. Enjoy the rest of your week and feel good about the way you're taking control of your life.

 

Looks real good from here.

 

Well had my interview today. I think it went fairly well. My ex started trying to enter my mind as i was driving to the interview, but i had to hit the red X button on that and close out that screen to stay focus on the task at hand. I'm about to hit the gym right now and i'm about to sign up for some volunteer services for "Feed the Children" this weekend. I figure, being misearble is normal but its also a choice. While i'm feeling like crap, I could be putting myself to use and being a blessing to someone else.

[fetish]

Hey Graceful,

 

Thank you for your words.

 

Just curious about something in your post?

 

Does it indicate weakness that i stayed in the relationship that long? The relationship was great for the first 5 or 6 years or so. She was in college and i was doing my own thing, we had our own places and it was actually enjoyable. We loved to do the same things and go on trips together.

 

We actually did break up at one point 3 years ago, but only for a week or so. We decided it was over something stupid and decided to work it out. About 4 years ago, she had thrown a temper tandrum, acted like a brat and i got so angry and told her to go F herself and it was the end of the relationship. She came back to my apartment and apologized.

 

I guess what i'm saying, we were both young. She was in college. I was just starting work out of college and it took a long time before it wasn't actually until the end that i realized the r/l was going no where. I think i didn't really start to realize it until the last 4-6 months of the relationship. True, she started getting lazy the last couple of years but i didn't consider that a total deal breaker.

 

She wanted all these big grandios plans sich as: a wedding, house, but had bad spending habits and then had the nerve to go to the casino. I wanted a house too, but thought we could marry at the courthouse. I noticed she believed in quick fixes too much, not wanting to really work for anything. She continued to let her gambling spiral out of control while we were supposed to be saving money. So i finally stepped up and said, "This isn't working." We both mutually agreed to end it as i told her i wasn't going to put up with it.

 

 

But Graceful, you're so right about me letting that relationship run my life. We got too comfortable with eachother. We got to the point where we were eachother's only friend. I also got to the point where i just stopped doing things for me. It's funny, I think i've done more "living" over the last 3 months than i have in a long time. When i say living, i mean meeting people and doing new things

Edited May 18, 2011 by fetish

[Graceful]

Does it indicate weakness that i stayed in the relationship that long? The relationship was great for the first 5 or 6 years or so. She was in college and i was doing my own thing, we had our own places and it was actually enjoyable. We loved to do the same things and go on trips together

 

Fetish,

I didn't' mean to imply that it was weakness on your part, but rather that you and your ex were not working as a team, that you did not have long term goals, that you coasted too long, that you were satisfied with the "status quo" instead of wanting to go to the next level -- you did not seem to have any desire to take the relationship to the next level, even to discussing what you wanted (marriage, home, children (if you did, or did not), and it almost sounds like you either avoided it because you didn't want to make waves, or even worse, that you just didn't feel compelled, not at all.

 

When you are deeply in love with the right person, you should be tripping over yourself with anticipation. You should be excited about the future, you should envision this person by your side, and want to make that permanent, you should be filled with indescribable joy at the thought of asking her to marry you and having that happen. So all I am saying is don't be satisfied with the status quo, don't go on acting like you are "dating" while you are in a LTR that should be going some where, and don't pretend it's enough for you, because it's not. And the older you get, the less you want that drifting feeling of not knowing where you're headed with someone. Does this make sense?

 

I guess what i'm saying, we were both young. She was in college. I was just starting work out of college and it took a long time before it wasn't actually until the end that i realized the r/l was going no where. I think i didn't really start to realize it until the last 4-6 months of the relationship. True, she started getting lazy the last couple of years but i didn't consider that a total deal breaker.

I hear you. But that phase of you life is over, so all I am saying is not to repeat it. Maturity level varies, and it's not fair to say that all people in the same age group have the same maturity level, b/c they don't. But you have matured a great deal over 8 years, and you should be able to see what you should avoid in the future.

 

It does sound like a slow build up to the realization that she was not right for you and that she was on the road to self-destruction and staying with her was unhealthy at best and would only bring you down. It just seems like you waited until the bus was practically going off the cliff to slam on the brakes. Then again, I can give you the benefit of the doubt by saying that we all want to think someone can change, turn themselves around, love you enough, blah blah blah. Lesson learned, right?

 

But Graceful, you're so right about me letting that relationship run my life. We got too comfortable with eachother. We got to the point where we were eachother's only friend. I also got to the point where i just stopped doing things for me. It's funny, I think i've done more "living" over the last 3 months than i have in a long time. When i say living, i mean meeting people and doing new things.

This is excellent, and shows that you really were yearning to get out of that rut, that she was not willing to get out of it, and will stay in it -- alone. Think about it this way: imagine going volunteering with someone (new) who really wanted to do that sort of thing and was excited about it. Who had your values and who would sit down with you and plan fun things to do that included other people and activities that were new. Just imagine how nice it would be to talk to someone who cared about what you had to say, and what you had to offer, who asked your opinions and listened to you. Doesn't that sound awesome? Well, that's what is waiting for you, with a new person, at some point. You don't have to settle. For now, keep going, it sounds like you are finally getting to know yourself, maybe for the first time in a long time. And you like what you see. So do I.

[fetish]

Well today, I got an e-mail from the job i interviewed for for asking for a reference or recommendation letter. So i guess that's the next step in the process. I think i'm on my way and i'm definitely going to be coming out the winner through all that i've been through

 

Graceful, thanks again for your kindness. I like that bus driving off the cliff analogy. Some people do tend to think that relationships don't really go "Bad" as long as their partner isn't cheating on them or beating them. I guess i was a little slow to accept that we just had different values and her love for money was going to bring us both down.

 

much love

fetish

[geegirl]

Yay! Good sign! Keep us updated with your progress with securing this job.

 

I did the same thing with my ex-husband. We settled being with each other eventhough it was so wrong. We got comfortable and stayed together because it was the easy thing to do. But it only can last for so long before it grates on you and you find yourself too stuck to leave or stay.

 

Example, I would volunteer and he'd say it was a waste of time. He wanted to go to Vegas to gamble and I'd say go by yourself (wasn't a fan)...we didn't match on so many levels on so many things that were important to each of us. I had those same thoughts in my head as I barreled through the unhappiness..."Well, he doesn't abuse me or cheat so it's not that bad. Things could be worse." It was mostly my fear of leaving and knowing I would be alone.

 

I used to wake up every morning, see the sun streaming through the window, birds chirping and the first thing through my mind would be, "I can't do this anymore but I have to stay married." I did that for 3 years. Pains me to say it. And I stayed married because I was comfortable, I settled and I was afraid of being alone. Anything is better than nothing.

 

But one morning, X'mas day (he was on vacation) I woke up in my bed and I made the decision to move on with my life.

 

You need shared values, needs, wants and equal commitment towards building a strong foundation. Without that, it's just two people merely existing in a relationship. You deserve much more than that Fetish. We all do.

 

ps: I'm so glad you signed up for volunteering with Feed the Children. I hope you love the cause and are excited about it. Let me know how it goes!

 

 

Some people do tend to think that relationships don't really go "Bad" as long as their partner isn't cheating on them or beating them. I guess i was a little slow to accept that we just had different values and her love for money was going to bring us both down.

[fetish]

Last night i got started on the chord work and melody to one of my songs. I'm writing the lyrics as well but i still haven't established the entire framework. My plan is to get in the studio within the next couple of paychecks and let it all out then.

 

Today, i kind of woke up feeling a little bit back in a rut. It seems that mornings are the worst. I don't know why? I have to keep reminding myself that i can't afford to slip back in to letting missing her overtake me and what i thought we had.

 

Geegirl, thanks for your reply again. I guess we didn't have shared values. We both liked going on trips and stuff together bt when it came to morals and stuff, I guess we were worlds apart. I believed in saving money and putting it away for something in the future. I believe that hard work is what pays off. She spent money down to her last penny and often times past that. I believe in exercise and staying healthy. She believed in eating what she wanted, complaining about not being the weight she wanted, and then saying she'll get a "tummy tuck" later on. The closer we got to trying to get married, the more i realized she wasn't working with me. It sucks, because my heart still hearts. It's like i'll be doing fine and then it comes back full force like its day 1 of the break up.

 

Learning to control my thoughts is a challenge. I'm well aware of everything that i need to do but i still have a lot of work and a long way to go. She just keeps popping up in my head.

 

I guess someone always has it worse. Look at Maria Shriver ? (No punn intended)

Edited May 19, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

Mornings are the worst for me too. It's because reality is dawning on you. It's rushing back. You're still raw and the memories are still fresh. I remember every morning waking up and my heart would sink and my anxiety level would hit the roof. 4 months later...I wake up at times thinking of him, but not in a painful/heart racing way but most times thinking about work, what to wear, what to eat and then he pops in. Those feelings will slowly subside, your thoughts will slowly change their pattern and as those happen for you, the grip of those emotions will slowly loosen and release you emotionally. It will happen. But you have to put the work in.

 

If there is one thing I can relate...spending. I was always careful. I managed the budget in the home. He spent like there was no tomorrow. At one point, he quit his job and I worked two jobs to support him while he fed his video game addiction and gambling in Vegas trips. I didn't know he was racking up debt. When I found out, I had to take $20K from my retirement to pay debt collectors. We were not on the same path. He is still the same today. Still lives like there is no tomorrow. Lives in his family's home, the one we lived in when we were married. I am saving and will soon be able to buy my own home.

 

He had a weight problem and I was fit and exercised 5 times a week. He ate junk food and I ate healthy. But when the depression hit me, I gained the weight. We both became unhealthy and unhappy. We hardly spoke to each other. We bickered about everything and anything. Then, he got gastric bypass and I hit the gym. He lost the weight from surgery and soon started gaining back and I lost the weight and maintained. He has gone for his second surgery and racked up nearly 100K worth of debt. And I am spending $29 a month on gym fees and I am fit as a fiddle.

 

You can't build a foundation that you both can stand on together if both of you are planning your futures on different bases. It has to be shared. Supporting each other, encouraging each other, motivating each other...striving towards a goal that the two of you want for each other and your future. You know this. There will come a day when you meet someone who fits you like a glove and you're going to go, "Ah, this is how it should be!"

 

Your heart is still fixated on the fantasy of what could have been. I fixate too. This morning I was crying wishing he was who I wanted him to be and how great life would be "if only" he changed or was this person I envisioned. The sooner you grasp the reality, the sooner you will come to terms. And it will take time. There are days I feel like I am at day 1. There are days that the visual of him having sex with her means nothing to me. This morning the visual came to me and I went to the restroom and cried my eyes out. It will come in waves. Soon it will be few and far between. It's a process. One that is unavoidable but also necessary because you must feel and purge to help you get to the other side.

 

They will pop in our heads. Let them pop and you will make an effort to stop it and refocus. It's hard work and it will take time. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're on the right track. Don't rush your healing and don't let anything derail you into thinking that you're experiencing set backs. Everything you are feeling is normal. As long as you don't open the door again. Keep pushing forward.

[fetish]

Well, here i am, kind of been taking a break from LS for a few days. Emotional roller coaster gallore. Been experiencing some intense feelings of lonliness and emptyness latetly, so i went to happy hour on Friday after work just to get out and mingle. I had a few conversations with some people at random, nothing big.

 

Then Saturday morning i went to volunteer at the Feed the Children. I was grieving most of the week and feeling a little down, so this was a good way to make good use of my time. I'm finally realising that troubles and pain are guaranteed in life. It's how a person channels those troubles are what makes or break a person.

 

Well today after church, my ex calls. I don't know why but i went ahead and answered. She said she was leaving out of town this week and she invited me over to her apartment so we could talk. I asked her what there was she wanted to talk about. She said, "Well i haven't seen or heard from you." I asked her, "Well did you expect to hear from me? I thought this is what you wanted." She said, "This is not what i wanted, and i told you."

 

I didn't exactly tell her no about coming over but i did make an excuse as to why i can't. I'm wondering what her motive is. She never wanted to talk about anything before when i was practically begging her before to talk about things.

 

It's funny, i've only been feeling good for the last day and even better for the last 12 hours after getting out, and now here she comes setting me back. It's funny how life happens like that.

 

And Geegirl, you're spot on. That's what i have to keep reminding myself of. We can't build a foundation based on different values and principles. I think she will try to convince me that she's changed when I know people don't just up and change that easily. Sounds like you were in a relationship with a destrictive person as well. 100K in debt as opposed to just working out in the gym and giving it some effort for about $30- $40/month membership? Bad news. Sounds just like my ex.

Edited May 23, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

"I asked her what there was she wanted to talk about. She said, "Well i haven't seen or heard from you." I asked her, "Well did you expect to hear from me? I thought this is what you wanted." She said, "This is not what i wanted, and i told you."

 

If she really wanted to say something significant, she would have said it on the phone. You asked what she wanted to talk about and she said it's because she hasn't heard or seen you. Because that's how it's always been. She's always had her way and control of you. Now it's different and she wants that control back. If she wanted you back, she would have mentioned that she wants to talk about the relationship and to try again and to please come over.

 

This is not what she wanted? Wasn't she the one that walked away? Oh, maybe she meant, I didn't want you to disappear from my life eventhough I don't want to be with you.

 

Read the post about the difference between breadcrumbs and wanting someone back. TaraMaiden's post says it all.

 

PS: And yes, people don't just change overnight. People can change but it takes work (action not words), commitment and self awareness to be consistent with wanting that change. Sometimes people say they're changed and act changed to manipulate another or the situation to best suit their needs and once that is accomplished and things go back to normal, the issues resurface again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

There comes a time where you must determine that you will not let her set you back. It's just not worth it.

Edited May 23, 2011 by geegirl

[Graceful]

It wouldn't matter even if she did change, fetish. (and people don't change, no one changes, you're not changing, I'm not changing, no one on this board is changing!!!! ) -- People do not change. They do not. They may change a behavior, even gambling, drinking, or smoking or any addiction, but that does not mean they change at the core level. It means they took care of an addiction. Do you know what a dry drunk is? It is a person who stops drinking but is the same nasty, violent, angry person as they were when they were drinking. No change. Know why? Because in order to change, it takes a lot of work and effort and it's painful, very very painful.

 

So your ex isn't changing, even if she stopped gambling, she'd find another way to spend her money. And your money, and any money that she can get her hands on. Addictive behavior just wraps itself around another object, so if you want to call your ex's addiction money management out of control, then gambling is the outlet. She'd be just as happy if she were spending on something else, living on the edge of financial ruin.

 

She has no motive. She is bored out of her mind. Until and unless you stop talking to her she will drag you down. Why is this about what she wants? Of course this isn't what she wants, not now that you're ignoring her. She's like a child, who needs attention, that is her motive, attention. Look, fetish, if you continue to talk to her for anything other than business, you have to take responsibility for the depression it brings you, not blame it on her. It's long over due for you to stop taking her calls. Long over due.

 

Accept where you are in the process, even if you're lonely. Even if you're sad. It's just part of the process you have to live through. If you accept it, you will find it a lot easier. In life, happiness is a state of mind that is not a constant. It's not supposed to be. But neither is sadness. Feelings go up and they do down, and back up again. No one is in a constant state of happiness, no one, and we're not supposed to be.

 

You and your ex did not, have not, and never will work as a team. You do not bring out the best in each other and worst of all, you do not look to her, you do not admire her, you do not learn from her, you do not aspire to any of her values, nor is her influence on you positive. And the converse is true for her. You have no mutual respect, in fact, IMHO, your ex disrespects you horribly, does not and has not learned a thing from you, and has no desire to make you happy.

 

So what more is there to say. Honestly?

 

Volunteering is the best, truly the best activity you can participate in, so keep it up. I was reading something about one of the best ways to meet people and make new friends, and volunteering is at the top of the list. You get a group of like-minded people together who care about a cause, and you start off with a common bond. And no matter how you look at it, you're making great use of your time and talents, and yes, getting outside your own head to help people who really need and appreciate your help. Win win.

 

Stop wondering about your ex. She's boring the heck out of me, and I don't know why you're not bored with her by now, too. Just kidding, but if you don't lighten up, then I'm forced into the position of making dumb jokes. Have a good week. Take care, darling.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Graceful

[fetish]

Oh believe me, I'm lightening up. My weekend actually ended up pretty good. I got off my ass and went and volunteered. Went and bought some funny DVDs. Something i left out of my previous post, I went to a lounge last night and had a drink. Ended up having a nice conversation with a fairly attractive girl and i could tell she was giving me vibes, talked one on one for about an hour. As i was leaving, i told her to take my number. She stored it in her phone and called me so I could store hers in mine. So finally got a number.

 

Sorry if my story is boring you. I guess i can understand seeing you have said alot of stuff til your blue in the face to have helped me through this. I guess i should be over her and everyhthing completely by now. This journal is intended to document my progress and have made it an attempt to document when i'm feeling good too. I guess i don't need to wonder what her motive is, but still just curious when she calls and says she wants to talk. Honestly, getting out this weekend and meeting new people has taken the attention off my ex.

 

 

I will be slowing down on posting in this thread. Take care

Edited May 23, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

Oh believe me, I'm lightening up. My weekend actually ended up pretty good. I got off my ass and went and volunteered. Went and bought some funny DVDs. Something i left out of my previous post, I went to a lounge last night and had a drink. Ended up having a nice conversation with a fairly attractive girl and i could tell she was giving me vibes, talked one on one for about an hour. As i was leaving, i told her to take my number. She stored it in her phone and called me so I could store hers in mine. So finally got a number.

 

Sorry if my story is boring you. I guess i can understand seeing you have said alot of stuff til your blue in the face to have helped me through this. I guess i should be over her and everyhthing completely by now. This journal is intended to document my progress and have made it an attempt to document when i'm feeling good too. I guess i don't need to wonder what her motive is, but still just curious when she calls and says she wants to talk. Honestly, getting out this weekend and meeting new people has taken the attention off my ex.

 

 

I will be slowing down on posting in this thread. Take care

 

 

You're doing great Fetish. Your posts are not boring nor are they repetitive. Healing is a slow process. There are times you have to talk it out to get past it. It's like therapy. You talk about it, ask the questions, get feedback, digest it, wrap your head around it and slowly move on. You're only a few weeks into this. It's not an overnight process. It's not something you rush through. You don't just forget and get over someone who's been a part of your life for 8 years. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

In time, there will come a point where you won't need the answers anymore because you'll be 1) too focused on you 2) would have gained acceptance that it is what it is.

 

Different people have different ways of coping and going through the healing process. I'd rather you post here than reach out to her or do something that derails your recovery. If something about her bothers you or gnaws at you, post. If you don't want to talk about her, don't. If you want to talk about your progress, fire away. Do what you know helps you in moving forward.

 

I'm proud of you for taking these steps. Volunteering is good for the soul. Gives you a whole new perspective on life. You're going out more and meeting people and finding them interesting! You're working on your music. Keep going. You'll flip flop -- up and down, sad one day happy one day, ask a bijillion questions one day and not be bothered the next, don't think or her one day and dwell the next...it's a process. We're all going through it. You're doing awesome!

[Graceful]

Great to hear about the end of your weekend, and that you exchanged numbers ... yeah, you got a number. Nice going!

 

I was just using hyperbole about your ex, saying she is boring, and kidding around. Not you, not bored with you at all. I said the joke was lame ... and I guess it was, but I certainly am happy to see that you're making progress, and finding that you're lightening up. I still remember when I was crying hysterically one day, when I was visiting my mum, and she finally just looked at me and said, 'Grace, please, if you don't stop crying, you're gonna make yourself sick!" -- well, maybe it was the timing, but I stopped crying on the spot, and began to laugh at myself! It just struck me so funny, even though I could not have been more upset at the time. Just cracked me right up. And after that point, I began to laugh at myself, not so much the situation I was in with my ex, because it was horrific at the time, but at myself. It helped me see myself in a positive light again, and look at the absurdity of crying over someone that I should have been glad to have out of my life ... of course, none of us see it that way when we're in pain, but over time, the focus changes, and it's a very happy day when it does. I give you a bit of a hard time, but I hope you know it's just my way of getting you to see how strong you really are, and how strong you are becoming. I don't say the "party line" in case you haven't noticed by now. I'm supportive in a different way, as you know, not so much the cheerleader as the champion, if you see what I mean. Yes, it's important to continue to get your feelings out, but let me tell you something. It also feels pretty darn awesome to stop, and to spend time doing things you enjoy again. So congrats, my friend. You're putting yourself out there one step at a time, and your progress is amazing. Honestly, you should be very proud of yourself. Have a good week, take care.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Graceful

[fetish]

I just want to say that I really appreciate all the support i've been getting in this thread.

 

I realise everyone has their own problems and don't want to make it seem like I'm the only one or mine are sooo bad! I just come on here and hack away at times and i found it helpful, even if i don't get responses. Geegirl thank you for the idea. I've kept a personal journal on paper but it feels like my ideas, feelings, and everything are being reinforced, so the journal on loveshack is the journal that "talks back.":)

 

And Grace, I realise the nature of "tough love" as there's times i need someone to be tough to pull me out of this rutt because i'm pining over someone who really doesn't deserve it. By your mum doing that, that made you stronger. Laughter is very good for the soul and being able to laugh at yourself means growth.

 

The crazy thing is, I don't even necessarily want her back. That's probably what i can laugh at myself about a little, even now. While i loved everything great in the relationship, I can't say i loved the bad and the bad is what's important, it's what broke us up. It's easy to forget the bad but the relationship was only as strong as the weakest link. No relationship will survive if it requires only "good terms" and collapses at the first sign of disagreement.

 

I've actually been feeling good today and yesterday. Haven't been relapsing or experiencing or feeling any signs of lonliness or voids. I'm off to the gym in a little bit.

 

Take care.

 

fetish

[fetish]

Well, LS, i know its been several days since i last posted on here. I'm starting to feel like a man again. My confidence is coming back and i haven't had many relapses over my ex. The girl i got the number from last weekend seems pretty interested and has been very responsive. We were supposed to go hang out this weekend but she had some out of town relatives coming to visit her and we couldn't quite do it this weekend.

 

Other than that, I';ve still been going to the gym, reading my self help books and other things and am slowly coming to my own again.

 

My ex text me earlier this week saying she wanted to talk. I told her "Okay". She wanted to talk since she knows what time i get off work. AS soon as i got off, she was texting me " Are you off yet?" I texted her back saying, "Yeah i'm off. Call you when i get to the crib! " But i went to the gym for about a couple of hours and when i got out, i saw a text from her saying " Well do you want to talk or not? Oh well, maybe some other time!"

 

I knew that was a guilt trip message nothing more. The girl knows she's lost control over the situation and is reverting back to the guilt trip. I don't have a curfew or anything. I was sticking to my regular routine. She's not running anything here! LOL

 

Well long story short, we finally ended up talkling and she was asking me all kinds of questions like

 

"What took you so long to get home?"

"Why did you delete me off facebook?"

"Why don't you ever call me or text me?"

"I guess since it's been 3 months and you hardly speak to me, i guess you're not trying to get back together."

 

Like i', still in a relationship to where i have to answer her. She was still refusing to accept any responsiblity for her role in this. I'm thinking, "Why would i go back to that?" I told her that i needed to be by myself

 

I'm feeling like i really am better off without her and feel like i'm coming to my own. I'm living for me now! Some people tell me that i should try to work it out since i've been with her for so long and kind of has me feeling down, like i'm just giving up on her. But i can no longer put her needs ahead of mine. I'm numero uno in my life from this point, and anyone who doesn't understand that .... Bump em!

 

I told her to make sure that car payment gets paid and also told her that i will be converting my verizon cell phone line off her employee discount account by August. I let her down easy but i do not intend to get back with this woman. I'm in the next stage of my life which she refuses to grow up into.

 

Well, it's coming up on 4 months. I'm scared to say that i'm completely healed and over her because grief comes and goes. But i've been feeling good consistently for about a week now. Maybe it was getting out and getting noticed by other women, i don't know. I hate to think that i need to depend on others to help me out of this slump but i will admit that it helped. It helped me realize that i can get attention from others other than just my ex. Now i think she's regretting the decision and is worried that someone else will have me.

 

I'm back to walking tall with my shoulders back, chest out, and stomach in. I got it going on. I am now beginning to take comfort in the fact that i got a guilt-free clean break from this girl. I loved her as best as i could and at the end, she proved that she didn't know how to appreciate it. she took it for granted and stopped trying on her end. I believe i'm the best thing that ever happened to her and probably ever will be.

 

I'll still continue to post in this journal but the 3 and 1/2 month mark is starting to look like I'm getting my life back.

 

Just thinking 3, 2, hell even less than a month ago, I was feeling like i couldn't go on without her. With her moving out of the apartment and leaving it empty inside, I felt like dying at the time. But i'm finishing up my last few months here and am enjoying remaining here in spite of her being gone. It's almost as if the memories of her living here and being in my life are slowly beginning to fade.

Edited May 29, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

Well, just last night i was posting about how good i was feeling and then today, i started feeling like i was doing something wrong. My ex is clearly selfish, confused, and inmature. The thing is, i know she didn't really want this break up, but she sure bluffed it pretty good like a gambler does in a card game.

 

I texted the girl i met last week today seeing if she was going to church. She later called me today and told me we could meet up tommorow night. I'm acually excited as i mentioned she's a pretty attractive girl.

 

I feel a little guilt being attracted to someone other than my ex. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did everything in my power to fix the problems in our relationship, but she did nothing. Our problems could have been fixed, but she chose not to. Now i'm getting attention from others and proving i am okay without her, yet i still feel confused and guilty.

 

I sure would like to know what my problem is.

[lalalandman]

Hey Fetish and GeeGirl. Sounds like I'm in the same boat as you guys. Was hoping to get some advice. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280255/

[Exit]

Dude, you're a beast! Marching on after an 8 year relationship, let me just say I admire you! I am struggling over the loss of an 8 month one! You're an inspiration!

 

I've already been doing some of the same things as you, started working out again and watching what I eat. I know the only way I'll ever be able to truly love myself is to finally get the body I've always wanted (and I know I tend to want someone to love me right now so I can take the easy way out and just be happy being unhappy).

 

You're doing awesome. Don't feel bad for struggling. 8 years is a long time. Like you said above, some people are pushing you towards repairing it simply because of how long it lasted. That's how it is in our society, most people can't last 8 weeks much less 8 years. But don't let that be the only reason to go back to it. Whether 8 weeks or 8 years, if you are starting to realize that you are better off without it, don't let anyone change your mind! It's totally normal that you still have your days where you feel down and everything else.

 

The inner strength it takes to be continuing on from something like this, if you can do this you can do anything!

 

I'm in the same boat as you, I would have done everything in my power to fix the problems in my relationship, my "partner" didn't care. And if they end up coming back around, too late. Forget them. We deserve someone who wakes up every day and realizes that relationships take work and they shouldn't let us get away.

 

Keep on going, you're doing great.

[Graceful]

Hey fetish,

 

You really are making awesome progress. No joke.

 

And remember that it's a process, not an event, as they say -- so you will still have those moments when you still feel badly about what happened between you and your ex. Who wouldn't? That's part of the process, and it's not over yet. You were a very loyal and faithful BF so you haven't completely detached yet. Make sense?

 

Your ex's MO? She bluffs. That's all she knows. It's manipulative, and it's the only way she has figured out she can get anyone to do what she wants. Always, always ALWAYS remember, she has turned inward due to her addictive behavior. Nothing you have said or done has a thing to do with how she behaves, nothing.

 

I feel a little guilt being attracted to someone other than my ex. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did everything in my power to fix the problems in our relationship, but she did nothing. Our problems could have been fixed, but she chose not to. Now i'm getting attention from others and proving i am okay without her, yet i still feel confused and guilty.

Not sure it's really guilt you feel as much as you just want to put a boundary up b/c you are afraid of getting hurt. You're still letting go slowly, so you put up "guilt" as a way to slow yourself down, perhaps. I honestly don't think it's guilt as much as it's fear. If you're not ready to sleep with anyone, then don't. That is probably a recipe for disaster, so take it very slow with this new girl.

 

As for the rest of your progress, don't sell yourself short. Even compared to a couple of months ago? Major difference. The emotions creep in, don't let them get you down. Pretend they're on a cloud that's drifting by in your mind. The cloud goes gently by, and then it's gone. Let the thoughts just drift away, too. The truth is that you're doing great, so give yourself the credit you deserve. Have a nice holiday. Take care.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Graceful

[geegirl]

Great progress Fetish! It's normal to feel those feelings but the great thing is that you can separate your feelings and see her motives and toxicity and now not react. You being attracted to this other girl is maybe a stage of realization that you're truly ending/ended with your ex. The finality is dawning on you. 8 years is a long time to just put aside and move on.

 

It's a process of up and down and various emotions. You feel sad for her and for you that it never worked out and that in some way you're beating yourself up that you didn't give your all to make it work for her/or didn't come through for her. And now she is alone and you feel sad and guilty that you can't be there for her because you still have a loving and caring attachment to her. You feel bad for leaving her behind and moving on. And I think it's because of who you are that makes you feel this way. But you gave all you could. It takes two. Can't clap with one hand. She chose to lay in the bed she's made for herself. Whether she bluffed or was serious, she has/had every opportunity in the world to fix it with you. And she has not done anything to show you otherwise. You are not doing anything wrong.

 

You have a compassionate soul. Give it to someone who will be able to share it with you and also reciprocate. You deserve someone who is like minded. Go slow with this girl. It's great that you're able to divert your attention now to others.

 

Let us know how your first date goes!

 

ps: Go back and read your first threads here. Granted you may feel up and down sometimes, but if you go back and read your past posts, you'll see how great you are doing! It's a process...keep going.

[fetish]

Well, i went on the date and i have to say that it went pretty good. We went out to a restaurant and then had some drinks shortly after. I told her to text me when she made it home. She did so and said she enjoyed it and looked forward to another time. So i feel pretty good.

 

 

 

Great to hear from everyone.

 

Lalalandman, Thanks for tuning in and i replied to your thread.

 

Grace, thank you for having the patience to constantly remind me how toxic that situation is. It's like my mind loves to play tricks and forget that it was a serious bullet that i dodged. I think you're right about it being a little fear involved with what appears to be guilt. I guess i'm just struggling with coping. But yes, i'm seeing how grief is a process and at first, it makes you feel like you're going to die, literally.

 

Geegirl, i love your analogies. Clap with one hand LOL because that's exactly what it felt i was doing. I felt i was giving my all and she thought she could control the situation by getting mad all the time and leaving. That was so much like a 12 year old. I gave her several chances and told her about her problems and she just kept trying me. Now she sends me texts talking about she wants to talk. All that is gonna be is more blaming.

 

And Exit, thank you for your words as well. That means a lot because less than 1 month ago, i never thought i'd be an inspiration to anyone. When the breakup first happened, i felt like a worthless loser. I was in bad shape and sometimes, I still am. I'm still trying to let go. You can't let go of the bad times without letting the good ones go too! That's the hardest part. But thanks for that man, what you said encouraged me to keep going even further.

[fetish]

well this past week, i've been pushing foward and it felt like i was toughening up against my ex. I had a great date last week and even ended up getting the number from a girl i have a crush on at work. Of course, i didn't let her know i'm digging on her, i told her that i BBQ for memorial day and she said "Oh you should've brought me some!" I asked her how we communicate on that because she works in apart of the building i have restricted access to, so we don't see eachother hardly, and she 's not set up on company e-mail yet because she's still a temp. But anyway, that should make it easier for me to ask her for coffee one day. Also, won't run the risk of being too obvious at work to where people might start speculating.

 

But my ex texted last wednesday saying: "can we talk this weekend or something?"

 

I replied: "about what? didn't we already talk?"

 

Well to make a long story short, she called me from a number i didn't recognize on friday and i picked up. She said she had gotten a new landline phone. She said she wanted to meet up on saturday to get some of her mail. I told her that was fine because i had to get my ankle weights out of her car for my fitness training. As the conversation progressed, she talked about work, then she asked if i was dating anyone. I didn't really want her to know my business but told her I've gone out with friends. I've been on one date and don't feel the need to display it.

 

Anyway, she sounded pretty cool with everything. She said, "If you're dating other people, that's cool. I want the best for you!" I told her the same and said i hope she's getting the happiness she wants with whoever she ends up with. She said she hasn't been dating anyone and is working on herself. She said she joined a gym and lost 5 lbs already (stuff i was always trying to encourage us to do together). Then she went on to say that she was going for her masters degree and will end up going in the fall fulltime. Her plan is to quit her full time job and go back to school full time. She still has a class to take to complete her Bachelors. She hasn't been to school in 3 years, supposed to graduated in 08. I'm wondering how she's going to qualify for student loans. She needed me to cosign for her a car, so how will she get the loans w/out a cosigner? She's already in more than $30,000 worth of loan debt. I know... not my problem.

 

I texted her yesterday and let her know i was available after the gym. She texted back saying she was getting her hair done and will have to meet another time, maybe sunday (today). Well, haven't heard from her. I know i shouldn't have fallen into that. I was careful, thinking i was ready to handle this on a business level because my attention was focused on other women, i was feeling good, and been working on myself. I should've just gone and bought myself some new ankle weights.

 

 

I just had to come on here and hack away because i got a little down. Thought about texting her back but i think that's what she wants. From our conversation on Friday, it seems as if she may be trying to get her life together, maybe its for show because she is known for that. I know it shouldn't matter to me but i was 2 seconds away from texting her to find out what happened before i came on here. It even got worse when i was in the process of trying to download a photo of myself to this meetup invitation i got. I was using my digital camera and I got into scrolling back at old stored photos over the few years: Our Las vegas trip, day trips, hangouts, etc, and i got taken back a little. My appetite decreased and am just backpedaling a little. If anyone's reading,I know i may have disappointed some on here, i know i did myself.

 

Funny how grief works. Graceful, if you reply to this, go e-z on me, I know! LOL

Edited June 6, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

Well, sometimes we have to go through a few stumbles to learn. As unfortunate as it is, it helps you get to acceptance a little quicker.

 

Now you know never to pick up a call when it says "unknown caller" (although if you were strict about NC and wanting nothing to do with her you would have not picked it up because you would have been cautious about the possibility the caller being your ex). You know why you picked up. Now you know to go and buy weights instead of using that lame excuse to find a way to meet. Hell, I will send you a check for a set of weights! Now you know that if she wants mail, she can log on USPS and redirect her mail. Will cost you $1. She should have done that when she moved out. Close all the little doors that tempt the possibility of contact.

 

Save the pictures on a thumb drive and have a friend store them.

 

You can either keep picking at that scab or not. You will not be able to treat it like a business like meeting, see her, talk to her, be happy for her, etc. until you find indifference.

 

You must be in Chapter 3...

 

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost .... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

 

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Edited June 6, 2011 by geegirl