My Journal... to getting my life back!!!

[Graceful]

Funny how grief works. Graceful, if you reply to this, go e-z on me, I know! LOL

 

Well. Well. Well. You got me.

 

But you? Do you get it? Nope, you just don't get it.

 

All you have to do is ask yourself two questions, this is all you have to do, no dressing it up, no dressing it down, no mystery, no metaphors, no nuthin.

 

You'd have to pay someone $150.00 an hour for this advice, and here I am, giving it to you free of charge.

 

Are you ready?

 

Question One: What makes me feel good?

Answer: NC makes me feel good. Makes me feel good about myself, my life, my progress, about other people, about the things I care about. And it's bringing me peace. Finally.

 

Question Two: What makes me feel bad? What makes me feel like utter crap?

Answer: Breaking NC makes me feel like utter crap. It makes me feel like I am a real asshat, I feel disappointed in myself, it does me no good, it's depressing to talk to my ex because she's pathetic, lives in a fantasy world, is not honest, and of course, she does not care about me. No, she doesn't care about me one bit. It's always about her. Always has been. Always will be. So, yeah, breaking NC makes me feel like crap.

 

It's all on you. Not me. I'm not disappointed in you, you're not accountable to me, you're accountable to yourself. You either want to move on, or you don't. That's on you. I don't understand why you keep allowing this intrusion, I honestly don't. You'd have to explain it to me. She doesn't care about you, it's always about her, and it always will be. Selfish, selfish, selfish. She just wants to feel better about herself, and you allow it at your expense over and over. If you don't know the incoming number, let the phone ring. That's not simple enough?

 

As for your ex, she fooled you once, shame on her. She fooled you twice, three times, and on and on, shame on you, over and over and over.

 

Got it?

[fetish]

Well, sometimes we have to go through a few stumbles to learn. As unfortunate as it is, it helps you get to acceptance a little quicker.

 

Save the pictures on a thumb drive and have a friend store them.

 

You can either keep picking at that scab or not. You will not be able to treat it like a business like meeting, see her, talk to her, be happy for her, etc. until you find indifference.

 

You must be in Chapter 3...

 

 

Yes that is definitely me, Chapter 3. That one fits the definition of insanity to a tee as i'm totally aware yet i keep doing the same thing again. I honestly thought i was ready since I had made some progress and sought other interests, but obviously, i wasn't. When you feel as good about yourself as i did, you feel unstoppable, impervious, and that nothing can stop you. Your mind even plays tricks on you thinking you're completely healed but it keeps coming back. It wasn't just the ankle weights but was also planning on also discussing the carnote, since my name is still cosigned to the car.

 

Well, at least i got chapter 3 out of the way (well, it took several times ). Now i can start gliding to chapter 5 now.

 

You'd have to pay someone $150.00 an hour for this advice, and here I am, giving it to you free of charge.

 

Are you ready?

 

It's all on you. Not me. I'm not disappointed in you, you're not accountable to me, you're accountable to yourself. You either want to move on, or you don't. That's on you. I don't understand why you keep allowing this intrusion, I honestly don't. You'd have to explain it to me. She doesn't care about you, it's always about her, and it always will be. Selfish, selfish, selfish. She just wants to feel better about herself, and you allow it at your expense over and over. If you don't know the incoming number, let the phone ring. That's not simple enough?

 

Well Grace, that means i owe you what? at least a grand by now? Because you've been giving me advice from the beginning of my situation. You, and alot of others have been saying the same things regarding my ex.

 

The problem doesn't lie with my ex, it really lies with me at this point. I really want to move on. I've always struggled with adjusting to change and trying to let go with what is familiar. I've always known that. That's a problem that i know within myself and still working on. I realize that although i'm not a complete dummy, i sometimes allow myself to get caught up and make unwise choices. It was gut wrenching to delete her off facebook when i did, but i had to do it to maintain the little sanity i had left.

 

 

 

I've really been trying to slowdown on posting on ls. I try to offer advice to others on this forum when i have a clear head, but don't want to sound hypocritical when i begin to backpedal. But its been 4 months since our breakup, i guess officially ended things in mid april and I still think about her everyday. It's funny, when she last called me a few weeks back after me going NC for over 21 days, she was asking me why i never call her, why i deleted her from facebook. It didn't even phase me. I felt good enough to push forward.

 

But some good news, i called her employee line to cancel my line off her account which will go in effect at the end of this billing cycle (June 10) and will have my line converted to a regular account (paying full price) but i guess it doesn't matter.

Edited June 7, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

My journal for today,

 

Kind of disappointed myself for allowing myself to fall off the horse. Well, no point in dwelling on that, focusing on Getting back on.

 

Ex texted me today: "Maybe we can try to have that talk again this weekend. Are you working?"

 

YAAWWNN!!!! She's so tired. I didn't reply.

[Graceful]

My journal for today,

 

Kind of disappointed myself for allowing myself to fall off the horse. Well, no point in dwelling on that, focusing on Getting back on.

 

Ex texted me today: "Maybe we can try to have that talk again this weekend. Are you working?"

 

YAAWWNN!!!! She's so tired. I didn't reply.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hey fetish,

 

Now this is progress!! Right here!! Not only that, but you've made me laugh 3 times in a row!!

 

This is the moment you've been waiting for, and even if you waver again, the idea that you've finally felt this indifference toward your ex, well, doesn't it feel pretty good?

 

The thing is this, it's not even a matter of being "over" her. That's not the way to look at it any longer.

 

It's a matter of being "ONTO" her. And you are. You're onto her, and once you're onto someone, you see their motivations, you see their manipulations, you see how self-centered they are, you see how ridiculous they are ... there's no where to go but through the exit.

 

You're onto her. FINALLY. And you have the same reaction that I've had for a long time: YAWN. So tiresome. So boring. She's beating a dead horse. You know what they say about dead horses don't you? TIME TO DISMOUNT.

 

Best update ever, fetish.

 

 

PS RE: yesterday (did not see your update)

 

Well Grace, that means i owe you what? at least a grand by now? Because you've been giving me advice from the beginning of my situation. You, and alot of others have been saying the same things regarding my ex.

 

The problem doesn't lie with my ex, it really lies with me at this point. I really want to move on. I've always struggled with adjusting to change and trying to let go with what is familiar. I've always known that. That's a problem that i know within myself and still working on. I realize that although i'm not a complete dummy, i sometimes allow myself to get caught up and make unwise choices. It was gut wrenching to delete her off facebook when i did, but i had to do it to maintain the little sanity i had left.

Change is very hard for many of us, myself included. Don't think for one minute that it's easy for me, either. I love being in my comfort zone, and I definitely have one. But recognizing that change is hard for you is part of the puzzle, it's part of seeing why the breakup is hard, maybe harder than you're making it. Because you don't have to change your entire life, and all the changes you have made are FOR THE BETTER. Anyhow, taking responsibility and being accountable also shows your growth.

 

As for me? I'm loyal. Just like you, I guess. I've followed your thread and stayed with you because I believe in you. I saw something in you from the very beginning that dreaded the breakup, but knew it had to be done. And you're no dummy, that's for sure. And now you can see that there are people in this life who will be supportive of you, who will stand by you, who will believe in you, who will not bail on you. I also find it very amusing how many females have been on your thread and have been supportive of you. That alone should make you smile, because your ex would probably be very surprised about that, too. She really has no clue what being supportive is, does she?

 

Take care. I am very, VERY happy for you, and love seeing your successes, no matter how big or how small. Every one of them counts.

 

Mean it.

[geegirl]

My journal for today,

 

Kind of disappointed myself for allowing myself to fall off the horse. Well, no point in dwelling on that, focusing on Getting back on.

 

Ex texted me today: "Maybe we can try to have that talk again this weekend. Are you working?"

 

YAAWWNN!!!! She's so tired. I didn't reply.

 

I Love It!!!

 

Yes, when you fall off that NC wagon, don't stay fallen, get back on again! Hell jump on the horse and ride it!

 

I'm so glad you see her motives for what they are. Same old boring routine. "Try to have that talk?" Nothing of substance. As empty as a tin can. You may not be over her but you clearly see and know that this is bananas and not what you want to involve yourself in anymore. Huge step when that awareness hits you.

 

Great progress! And getting off that phone plan! Months ago you were struggling with that. See where you are now. Little steps! They're getting you somewhere.

 

Yaaaawwwnnn is right. Same BS, different day! It's a great feeling when the brain starts taking the reins!

 

Keep going guy!

[fetish]

well today, i've been maintaining. I'm coming to the conclusion that even though this breakup has brought me sadness, in alot of ways, it's also brought me happiness. There's always an upside to things. I'm able to focus on myself, my goals, my talents, and not have to put myself aside for anyone. Yes, i'm sad because i'm letting go of what once was and the remembering the good times. But if i was in the relationship again, I would have still have the same thing, a mixture of sadness and happiness. Happy only when times are going great, but sad when i always have to watch money, put up with overspending/gambling, temper tandrums, and etc. So that's life!

 

Graceful and geegirl. You don't realize how phenominal you've been with your continued support. Even though we don't know eachother personally, i still consider you as friends and its greatly appreciated. I don't really have many people i feel comfortable talking to about this. My mom has been great but i have to put on a tough act most of the time because i don't want her thinking her only son can't man up. LOL. People have their own sets of problems and living another to fight another day is a daily struggle, so i'm not going through anything no one else hasn't. But just knowing there are people that will support you almost makes you feel a newfound sense of worth.

 

goodnight.

 

fetish

[fetish]

Well, over the last 2 weeks, my ex has been texting me trying to hook up for the weekend. I ignored the texts. When i had last talked to her, she was talking about wanting to get back together. I told her that i needed to be by myself right now and i meant it. I must admit that being single has a few perks. I don't have to put up with someone else's selfishness and can be a little selfish and focus on myself. I don't have to put myself aside and can put myself first.

 

She finally said, "so i've been doing all the reaching out for the last 3 months and you ignore my texts." I pretend i don't get the message again. Finally i replied: I'm working this weekend. She then replied "so i guess you don't want to be with me anymore. I wish u well and have a nice life". I replied: this is what u wanted. These are the consequences.

 

I don't know what she wants from me. Why does she want to spend all this time with me? All she wanted to do was hang out with her friends, be free, and gamble, and now i'm supposed to be answering to her like we're still in a relationship?

 

Apart of me feels like i'm doing something wrong. She's trying to reconcile in her own little warped way. But after that text message, i was reminded by how she could act and it was almost feeling like we were in a r/l again. I still love her and am not over her, but i don't feel like I have anything to give to her right now. I'm trying to work on myself. It's clear she hasn't changed as i haven't expected her to.

[geegirl]

She's pissed because you have always appeased her, chased her, wanted her, boosted her, etc. and now you're not. You're not giving her the ego boost she wants nor are you giving her what she wants on her terms.

 

Someone who wants you and feels remorse/regret and wants to try again, will communicate that to you. You will hear the words (not texting) and you will see it in action. And she's going to understand that what she did has repercussions and give you the space you need in hopes that she will win you back again.

 

Seems to me like she just wants it her way and if you don't give it to her on her terms, then she couldn't care less about your views, feelings or thoughts on the whole thing. She's selfish. She's not going to change. And you can see that.

 

You feel like you are doing something wrong because you're probably thinking that you've eliminated the possibility/one last chance of ever getting back with her. Or it could be for once you're doing the right thing for yourself but it almost feels wrong because the "right" thing has always been appeasing her, catering to her, begging her, chasing her, boosting her, etc.

[joostay]

fetish, I read your journal there after you posted on my thread earlier. My fiancee ended it with me after 8 years as well. We were on a break for 4 months then she fully ended it. Today is only day 2 after the 'final' break but I still can't let go of hope even though she told me she doesn't love me anymore and deleted her engaged status on fbook. Can't eat, nervous all the time, feel sick, burst into tears, I have it all. It's reassuring to know that in time I may be healed as much as you, but even though I read your posts I wonder if I'll ever be.

 

Can you remember the pain you were in on day 2 yourself?

[fetish]

You feel like you are doing something wrong because you're probably thinking that you've eliminated the possibility/one last chance of ever getting back with her. Or it could be for once you're doing the right thing for yourself but it almost feels wrong because the "right" thing has always been appeasing her, catering to her, begging her, chasing her, boosting her, etc.

 

This is spot on geegirl. That's exactly how i feel. When we broke up, it was all on her since she allowed her addictions and selfishness be the cause of us breaking up, so really i was able to walk away guilt free. Now that she wants to get back together, now she can say, "Well at least i tried, but he doesn't want me back and love me anymore". Therefore she could shift the blame on me. Also geegirl, do you think she might be trying to hook up to make sure i'm not moving on to someone else?

 

I really tried in this relationship. Spent $500 on premarital counseling which would have allowed us a chance to get everything out on the table before we got married. She chose not to get the most of it, wanting to skip the sessions, not do the homework assignments, etc. I really did try and now, although i still miss her like crazy, I feel "tried" out ad want to continue my journey of learning to love myself again. I just wish i didn't struggle with feeling guilty by acknowledging that i'm a human being too who has feelings.

 

fetish, I read your journal there after you posted on my thread earlier. My fiancee ended it with me after 8 years as well. We were on a break for 4 months then she fully ended it. Today is only day 2 after the 'final' break but I still can't let go of hope even though she told me she doesn't love me anymore and deleted her engaged status on fbook. Can't eat, nervous all the time, feel sick, burst into tears, I have it all. It's reassuring to know that in time I may be healed as much as you, but even though I read your posts I wonder if I'll ever be.

 

Can you remember the pain you were in on day 2 yourself?

 

Joostay, thanks for replying. Yes, i remember day 2 quite clear. It was the day before valentines day. Yes i did the crying, sobbing, begging god to end the pain, not eating/losing weight, vomiting, etc. I immediately went n/c on her because i was so hurt. Then she would be moving her stuff out of the apartment little by little, leaving me feeling empty and lonely. I couldn't eat or sleep. I purposely worked out in the gym for 3 hrs a day after getting off work just to avoid going home to my apartment.

 

I know that was rough to hear her say "I don't love you anymore!" But there's no way she could have meant that after 8 years together. Make yourself scarce and go nc. I'm pretty sure she will start to see what she's missing.

Edited June 24, 2011 by fetish

[joostay]

 

I know that was rough to hear her say "I don't love you anymore!" But there's no way she could have meant that after 8 years together. Make yourself scarce and go nc. I'm pretty sure she will start to see what she's missing.

 

No worries man, thanks for the reply yourself. Don't worry, I won't sabotage your thread! But just wondering how I can really do good, effective NC if she is wanting to sell our house? We'll have to be back and forth in contact about that

 

It's my turn to move out again for a month at the end of next week back to my parent's house so I'll do that. But I guess if she rings me to meet her to arrange house sh't then I have no choice but to meet and discuss things. The house is making things a b@st@rd.

[JasonRules]

Guys keep your chins up. No matter what we are feeling right now, in the end (1, 2, 3 years from now) we will be looking at today and laughing. Do you know why? Because time and distance do miracles for healing ones self and I am very confident that we will be in a better position.

 

I know I will. These past (almost 4) months I have used this time to reflect, heal, vent, yell, release the stress, work out, ride my motorcycle, swim, go out with my friends, and yes date other women. And you know what? Looking back at everything I like my life. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want without having to constantly take into consideration what someone else (ex) is thinking.

 

I am sleeping better and am more focused on the important things in life. We need to realize that our exes can never be the sole reason for our existence. We need to release this need for co-dependency and live our lives to the fullest.

 

In addition, I've met some very nice women along the way. Did anything develop into a full blown relationship yet? No, it has not but then again who says it has to in order for me to be happy? Once you release these expectations of yourself and just be content you feel so much weight has lifted off your shoulders.

[geegirl]

She could very well be doing that but what she does to alleviate her bad feelings or help her sleep at night is something you should not concern yourself about. Being as manipulative and selfish as she is, she is most likely not wanting to carry blame or be accountable. So the easiest way to make herself feel good and play victim infront of everyone else is to point the finger at you.

 

What you did to save the R is "trying" because you put your "trying" into action. What has she done? Gone to counselling? No. Communicated about her needs and wants and how she'd like to move forward? No. Discussed what she will need to do so that you will be secure enough in giving her a second chance? No. Asked if you two should try couples counselling? No. Texting to hook up is not trying.

 

It's control she's looking for. You're straying a little to far for her liking so she's trying to pull on the reins. You've always been her puppy dog. Why would she want to let you go? You've catered to her in every way and she likes knowing that you're there for her, giving her whatever she needs, when she wants. She's the type that will give you just enough to keep you interested and holding on, and nothing more. So, now that it's not enough for you and she can't give you anymore, she's cut you off, swiftly.

 

Not the actions of someone who is legitimately, whole heartedly and desperately trying to reconcile and win you back again.

[Graceful]

My take is completely different, fetish. And I won't sugar coat.

 

All she wanted to do was hang out with her friends, be free, and gamble, and now i'm supposed to be answering to her like we're still in a relationship?

 

Apart of me feels like i'm doing something wrong. She's trying to reconcile in her own little warped way. But after that text message, i was reminded by how she could act and it was almost feeling like we were in a r/l again. I still love her and am not over her, but i don't feel like I have anything to give to her right now. I'm trying to work on myself. It's clear she hasn't changed as i haven't expected her to.

In saying you feel like you're doing something wrong, I interpreted this completely differently. I think you are referring to the fact that she never made you feel like you were doing ANYTHING right, and talking to her makes you feel bad, about yourself, about what happened, all over again. So it's not healthy to even speak to her, that's your choice, the fact you continue to speak to her, whatever, but to me, that's what this means. You're still not free of that feeling because you keep letting her manipulate you TO THIS DAY to make you feel bad about yourself.

 

One of these days you're going to get tired of the idea that she's still manipulating your feelings, and that it's not guilt you feel, but fear. You're still feeling fear. You're still afraid to let go, it's not something you think about, but you get that feeling of being "wrong" in the pit of your stomach when you keep letting your ex speak to you, text you, and you're still responding, even if you don't see her.

 

In her CLUELESS mind, she is "reaching out" but what is she really doing? To affect change? NOTHING. She sits on her phone and texts you, calls you, but what does she do to show any real sign of change, commitment, or even that she wants to reconcile? NOTHING. So there is nothing there but smoke and mirrors.

 

She's clueless about the breakup because she's selfish and has no empathy. But regardless, she still gets to you, and if you don't keep NC, this will continue to plague you, my friend. You keep in touch with her, and that's just holding you back. And I know you don't want her back anymore, and the relationship is irreparable, but she gets to pull these head trips on you every time you pick up and talk to her. She's still running the show.

 

That's what I call a real b*tchin situation, you know?

[fetish]

joostay, problem. I don't see it as you trying to sabatouge the thread. You have a situation as well and are free to share it on this thread if you wish. Our situations are similar and am here as someone to talk to if need be. I may not be the best role model on maintaining strict nc though when my ex texts, but for coping strategies and other activities, you can talk to me.

 

jasonrules. Yes, i agree and that's the beauty of being single. You can live it up and focus on you. I've been setting up dates as well, not necessarily in hopes of a r/l as i'm not ready for it yet. But having friends is what's important, even if it means having someone to go out with for coffee or a drink. You got a motorcycle? Awesome man. I think you're right, society puts too much in thinking that marriage and partnership brings happiness, but there's always the married people who wish they're single and the single people who wish they're married. No one is ever 100% happy.

 

Geegirl. Yes i've always catered to her feelings, and now that she sees me not doing so and ignoring her for the most part, she's being the little immature kid that she is and crying and stomping for attention. She went to the counseling we had last year but didn't take it serious. She wouldn't do the work and would try to pretend everything was hunkie dorie during the sessions. And I'm not so sure if she cut me off, because this girl is known for selling some wolf tickets. She's always talks big bold sh%t that she can't back up. This whole break up and her moving out was one of her wolf tickets. She thought she'd be able to act up and then warm up to me later on and i would let her back in my life. WRONG.

 

And Graceful... Whooh! That wasn't so bad. I was doing good for a while by ignoring her txts and calls, but I know that by my taking that last call from her was a trip up on my nc battle. Still working on breaking my old record of 21 days maintaining strict nc and not giving in to her txts. I guess i accepted that call after that text message more to ease my own guilt by not responding to her. Even If i hadn't taken it, i was going to feel the same whether if it was guilt or fear as you say. I think you're right, it may be more of fear because i really don't have a real big life established. I've met a few friends here and there but no one to really deter my attention away from her completely, so yes... i'm still having trouble letting go. When she sends me those text messages, i guess i give in and try to ease my pain by letting her know that i don't completely hate the girl and that i just need to be by myself. I'm not sure if i'd say she completely running the show. She's mad that she can't pull me by the reigns and i think she's actually seeing she's losing control (not completely lost yet). But yes, i agree with the fact that i'm letting it control my emotions. And curious, In one of my previous threads, you mentioned that you were in a 8 year relationship as well. Did you go immediate nc cold turkey or was it more of a gradual thing?

Edited June 25, 2011 by fetish

[fetish1980]

Well hello loveshack,

 

This will be my first update in nearly a month. Had a big fiasco on loveshack and got unjustly banned. Long story. After getting tired of waiting, i've decided to create a new account. I was planning on leaving the forum, but i feel like i have some experience and a little knowledge to share that might be useful to some. And will still come for support too.

 

Anyway, i got a chance to get away for a few days 2 weeks ago. Went to New York city and saw some beautiful women there i must say. Skyscrapers for miles, lakefront views and beautiful cityscape off the riverfront views. Although new york is a cool place, i don't see how anyone can live there. It's too much of a rat race. The subways were hot, streets dirty, and my allergies flared something fierce from the pollution.

 

Anyay, going to new york seemed kind of like a turning point in this enitre breakup chapter. It made my breakup seem even more like a distant memory.

 

Just last month and at the beginning of this month, my ex was wanting to get back together. I told her back in May that i wanted to be alone and remain single. I guess she thought she would be able to warm back up to me by seeming to be her old "sweet" self, but i already know her to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. In late June, she texted me and asked if she could see me. I texted back and said i was working. Anyway, long story short, she threw a hissy fit and stated she was tired of doing all the work to reach out and she quits! But i still hear from her from time to time. Times are fewer and farther in between but she will send a crumb or two. I guess to keep communicating to make sure i don't forget her.

 

In the mean time, I met a couple of new women at happy hour on friday. Young, fine, attractive women too. I'm still working on the girl i like at my job. I already got her number last month but still working on getting the courage to ask her out. So now i have several women lined up and will be setting up dates soon. I still think about my ex everyday. Just two months ago, the thought of her with someone else would've killed me. Now, i'm not sure if it would phase me as much if i found out.

 

Things are looking up. 2011 started out pretty rough for me but the year might end up turning out to be the best i've had in 8 years. I've really gotten to know myself and be comfortable with me again.

 

Well that's my update. Will keep it posted.

 

fetish

Edited July 21, 2011 by fetish1980

[geegirl]

Leaps and bounds my friend!

 

I was rushing reading through your post looking for the good parts and they were all good!

 

Isn't it funny that all she thought she had to do was send you a text here and there with wanting to get back together, without showing anything more. She was comfortable with the game and knew for sure you'd be back as you always did. But through NC, it gave you emotional and mental clarity and you started recognizing that it wasn't enough. It helped you recognize and remove yourself from a bad place. You're well on your way to acceptance and indifference and it seems like you are already close to getting there. If you compromise yourself, you will settle for anything. I'm glad you stayed strong and barreled through.

 

I'm happy for you my friend.

 

"I've really gotten to know myself and be comfortable with me again."

 

I couldn't have said it better myself! You finally got there!

[fetish1980]

hey geegirl. how's it goin my good friend? How have you been doing anyway?

 

You're 100% right. My ex thought all she had to do was send a sweet little text like "I miss you! I love you" and i was going to want to go running back. The fact of the matter is, when we broke up, i knew at the time it was for a reason and that it was truly over. I think that's why i took it so hard. As for her, i think she covered a lot of how she was probably feeling with denial. She thought that she'd be able to worm her way back in anytime after she had her fun.

 

The fact was, with her staying gone more than 2 days and getting her new place, i don't know who she could've been with or what she was doing. I know she had a gambling problem and it was getting worse. I was on my way back from work one night and drove by her little gameroom/casino spot a few weeks ago and saw it had been closed. How ironic, In January and February, i was wishing that the place would get busted and closed and then she wouldn't have had a reason to go, thus saving the relationship. Now, it closed long after we broke up. Things worked out the way they were supposed to.

 

fetish

Edited July 21, 2011 by fetish1980

[Graceful]

Did you ever see the film, "The Sixth Sense" ??

 

"I see dead people."

 

Well, so do I.

 

Otherwise, I have no comments for ya. You're even better off than you were when you were with your ex. Even I can see that, and I didn't even know you back then. Worst thing / best thing, you know?

 

Welcome back.

[fetish1980]

Did you ever see the film, "The Sixth Sense" ??

 

"I see dead people."

 

Well, so do I.

 

Otherwise, I have no comments for ya. You're even better off than you were when you were with your ex. Even I can see that, and I didn't even know you back then. Worst thing / best thing, you know?

 

Welcome back.

 

 

Hey thanks Graceful! The only thing that sucks about creating this new account is that i lost my tenure with loveshack. it now states just joined in jul 2011 like i'm a brand new member when really i joined back in 06.

 

But thanks as always for your kind words. You're right about everything you say about me being better off than when i was with her. I almost feel bad for saying that considering i thought she was the love of my life. But just curious, how can you see that so easy?

 

fetish

Edited July 21, 2011 by fetish1980

[geegirl]

I'm doing great buddy! Feeling better and he is becoming the distant past, eventhough he lives down the street

 

Isn't it funny how things fall into place and at the end of that tunnel you're going, "ah, it all just worked itself out." And it all just worked out for your benefit.

 

I'm proud of you. You stuck to your guns although there were times I thought you were going to cave! I'm glad you see with clarity now, emotionally and mentally. This was where you were supposed to end up and you did!

 

Good to see you back!

[Graceful]

Hey thanks Graceful! The only thing that sucks about creating this new account is that i lost my tenure with loveshack. it now states just joined in jul 2011 like i'm a brand new member when really i joined back in 06.

 

But thanks as always for your kind words. You're right about everything you say about me being better off than when i was with her. I almost feel bad for saying that considering i thought she was the love of my life. But just curious, how can you see that so easy?

 

Hi fetish -- it's not that I can see what I see "easily" -- I see what I see based on what I have seen in your posts, over many months, and because I have a good memory. But seriously, when you originally began to post about your breakup, you were a defeated person, who second-guessed himself time and again, who never, ever wanted to follow what was in his gut all along: that you and your ex were not a good match. You didn't know how to detach and admit that because it seemed that you felt like the only way you could process the breakup was to find something wrong with her (well, she has issues up the wazoo, but that's not my point) -- then one day, you began to see that you could see her as a potentially good person, that she had lots of issues, but finally come to the conclusion that she was not good for you, and that you had a choice to walk away.

 

Along with that? I've told you this at least a few times -- your engagement was forced and under false pretenses. You knew she was not marriage material for you. She chided you and made an engagement a make or break proposition, and you caved. You weren't happy. You weren't excited. It was "break up" which you couldn't face, or "get engaged" which was clearly not done out of true desire to marry her. The relationship was rudderless, had no basis in the present or future, only in the past which was long since gone .. need I go on? And by way of review, she didn't respect you for the person you are. That's a deal breaker if ever there was one.

 

Can you see how easy it is to know you are better off now? And the best is yet to come? Sure, your ex is a significant part of your life, and an important chapter. All of the memories aren't bad, some are wonderful. But it's just one chapter. Your life didn't end at the breakup, you have many chapters to write, and they're only going to get better. Take care, friend, and trust in yourself. You have a good head on your shoulders, this I know. Graceful

[fetish1980]

Thanks geegirl. It's like i'm scared to say i'm healed or over her because a relapse will sneak up on me before i know it, but i'm a little happier with myself.

 

And Grace, thanks for your words too. The confusing part is that there was a time i really did think i wanted to marry this girl. But i do think i had to convince myself long and hard to get to that point.

 

When i was in my early to mid 20s, i wasn't ready, but when i got to my late 20s (just a few years ago), i felt as if i was ready. But within those 2 years, she started showing me that she had no self control when it came to her gambling cravings, refusing to take responsibility, personality and temper tandrums, and emotional bullyiing. I wanted to start working toward things like saving money, buying a house, or building a future (things that married couples do). She didn't think twice about throwing money away whether if it was overspending, overdrafting her bank account, or gambling it away when she still had bills to pay. There would be drama up the ass and then later she'd sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. If i didn't go along with it, she'd just say that i held grudges. She always did breakup threats when we got into heated arguments. Broke up once before 3 years ago for about a week and then we got back together. A week after that, she got mad when i told her things should be 50/50 with the spending and then she writes me a dear john note, but we ended up deciding to stay together.

 

I guess part of me feels guilty that i had a few doubts about marrying her. I know that's silly. I wanted to love her and i did the best way i could. She was rushing the wedding, I told her we needed premarital counseling first to get all our issues on the table first. She seemed interested at first but then started slacking, not doing the homework assignments, acting like everything was fine, and even wanting to skip meetings sometimes. It became more evident, she was just really wanting a wedding rather than to be married. She'd watch all the Bride reality shows and weddings, but seemed to lack maturity towards doing the legwork required to actually being married. There was no growth in our relationship.

 

fetish

Edited July 23, 2011 by fetish1980

[sun_moon]

Its amazing and great to read your progress, congrats to you! I think its wonderful that you have such insight and peace now, something we can all look forward to.

[fetish1980]

Its amazing and great to read your progress, congrats to you! I think its wonderful that you have such insight and peace now, something we can all look forward to.

 

hey thanks alot sun_moon.

 

i hope my story can be an inspiration to all to show that there is life on the other side of the pain of the breakup. At that time, it felt as if my life was ending. I still have moments here and there but they don't last as long.

 

fetish