My Journal... to getting my life back!!!

[fetish1980]

Missing her is not really an issue, nor is it a sign of low self esteem. Try to imagine picking up where you left off when you split up. Her out gambling. Her being disrespectful. Her planning a "wedding" but having no clue how to plan a life and plan for a successful marriage. I could go on, but in short, can you actually say you want to be with her again? Missing her at this point is an emotional reaction to your desire to actually be over her and letting go, and you're still not ready to let go, possibly because 6 months isn't all that long after 8 years, and possibly because you're not involved with someone else that has convinced you there really is *love* out there for you, and possibly because you don't really harbor any bitterness for her, so you don't have a hard edge thinking back about time spent with her. It's also a sign that you're still grieving, and have lingering sadness over the breakup, as you would from any deep loss.

 

Just remember: missing her is a bit of a security blanket for you. Your relationship was once your anchor and represented your future. So you miss that sense of stability, and that's still represented by your ex. I'd say that's really what you miss, much more than the person.

 

But overall, try to stop dwelling on it. It's not worth it. You've already analyzed the living daylights out of the breakup, and frankly, there are no new discoveries to make. Just rehashing what you already know.

Right, fetish?

 

graceful you're so right.... about everything.

 

and jason, no i could never trust her again because we've gone down this road before. Breaking up, making up, threatening to leave during a disagreement. Like your ex, she's too emotionally unstable and inmature. My ex tried to bully me emotionally everytime i disagreed. I'm not one to walk on eggshells for anybody, especially being the man in a relationship. (sorry ladies LOL)

 

fetish

Edited August 11, 2011 by fetish1980

[JasonRules]

graceful you're so right.... about everything.

 

and jason, no i could never trust her again because we've gone down this road before. Breaking up, making up, threatening to leave during a disagreement. Like your ex, she's too emotionally unstable and inmature. My ex tried to bully me emotionally everytime i disagreed. I'm not one to walk on eggshells for anybody, especially being the man in a relationship. (sorry ladies LOL)

 

fetish

 

 

I guess we just have to look back at all the pain and heartache and take away with us the lessons which we have learned all these months to become better men and to fine tune what exactly it is we're looking for.

 

It will require inner strength, temperment, patience, and a lot of optimism, but I think and know at the end of the day we will be ok. I believe in karma and know that I will receive in my next relationship what I gave in my previous one, which is a lot of love, caring, and affection.

 

We just need to weather this storm and eventually the sun will come up. I know for a fact that because we did not fall into depression we are much stronger now than we were 6-10 months ago. I learned many valuable lessons from this experience; lessons which I will never forget.

[fetish1980]

i guess in a way that i'm thankful that i dodged that bullet, but since she tried to reconcile, i somewhat feel a little bad for not giving it another chance. Many have told me that there's no reason for me to feel bad. This is my life and my mental health. I know the real deal. She's the same person, still bad with $$$, a gambler, and makes decisions without thinking them through. She's very book smart but when it comes to using logic, common sense, and reason, she has no clue. Case in point, she's in the process of filing bankruptcy!!! At 26 years old.

 

I don't really consider myself as being dumped. Yes, she talked all that trash and we mutually broke up as she moved out that night. She thought she'd threaten me and i was supposed "try harder" (aka beg), but i let her ass go and agreed to it. She thought we could have a relationship in our own seperate places. I wasn't going along with that because i already was feeling crappy. Addicts don't want people close in their business. She's a manipulator, and when she found out i wasn' buying into her crap, she ran.

 

I guess i've learned that i can't become too emotionally invested in to someone to the point where i forget to love myself. I think that's what happened over the course of this relationship. I was trying so hard that i lost myself. Never again will i try to be the "perfect" boyfriend. There's only one perfect being in this universe and he's looking down on us right now.

 

fetish

Edited August 11, 2011 by fetish1980

[fetish1980]

well,

 

went on another date on monday. not a romantic date at all. We went out, grabbed a bite, and then had some drinks. I'm attracted to this girl but i'm trying to feel her out sense i get the sense she might be a little tough and not the romantic type. It sucks because i live in a big city and pretty much all the premier romantic places this city has are where me and my ex used to frequent. Basically, there's no a place in this city that won't remind me of her. One of the worst things is trying to be on a date only to have memories haunting me of my ex.

 

As far as my ex, she's backed off on trying to get in touch with me. I'm still hurt by this breakup and more time that passes, it's becoming more evident how really "over" we are. I guess that's the part of the acceptance stage, going back and forth with denial and any hope we may reconcile. I also get sad after hearing music that gets me thinking about her and that we were still together just earlier this year! Then when i try to get the music out of my head, it still keeps replaying.

 

I feel lonely which really sucks. I'm trying to get my focus so much off "hooking up" with women. I'm really trying to hook up with them in my quest in to moving on. I know it's inmature but it also seems like what's motivating me to meet women is the thought of my ex probably hooking up with someone else by now (intimately). I haven't since my ex and kind of has me feeling a little bit in the dumps.

 

fetish

Edited August 18, 2011 by fetish1980

[sun_moon]

I think its awesome that your putting yourself out there but not attaching yourself to someone when your clearly not ready. Casual dating is good, but yes your not ready for a relationship.

 

Dont worry fetish, I miss him terribly too. Some days more than others, I believe I'm going through a spurt of really missing him, sucks cus the weekend is here and its gonna be worse.

It's not a sign of weakness or low self esteem, I think its natural. You are still going through withdraws, I know I am.

[fetish1980]

hey sunmoon,

 

have you dated anyone since your ex?

 

how long were you with him?

 

fetish

[sun_moon]

Hi,

No I have not dated anyone since him YET.

I was with him 2 years.

[fetish1980]

Well journal,

 

My ex stopped trying to contact me. She's seemed to have backed off on her quest to trying to get back together. There's some second guessing going on my part now to the point that I feel that i may have made a mistake by not taking her back. I had my faults in the relationship too, and there were times i could be worrisome and nagging on things. Even though, if it wasn't me doing it, it was her. It just felt like she didn't respect me and wanted to always be in competition with me.

 

Although i know NC is meant for my own healing, I'm finding myself missing the memory of "us". I know there was a valid reason for things ending but i guess i'm kind of wondering if things were really so bad and that any relationship i get in to, everyone is going to have thier own sort of problems. We had so many fun times together throughout our 8 years, but it's starting to feel like i'm already a year out of the relationship.

 

I can't believe what's happening, it's like i make seveeral steps forward then several steps backwards. It seems like i've been feeling this way for this whole month.

 

I guess like Graceful mentioned 8/11/11, at this point, It's really rehashing what i already know.

 

fetish

Edited August 22, 2011 by fetish1980

[sun_moon]

I dont really know how to explain this or if this will make sense but here goes.

 

You know Fetish, we can't have good days or comprehend a "good day" without having the bad ones as some sort of measure/comparison. What I mean is if it wasnt for the bad, you wouldn't know when/what good is, it would cease to exist.

 

Now that I'm off my philosophical soap box, I just want to say, my heart goes out to you.

 

It seems my ex has given up giving me the breadcrumb contacts as well, and you know what its for the better. He didn't ask for a second chance, like yours did, but that void of the drop in contact, it stings a little.

When I begin to think of the old "us", I close my eyes in sadness, and basically talk myself out of completing the pathetic thought and I bury myself in something mindless (like TV or a movie)

It works for me most of the time, I don't know what might work for you.

 

I believe second guessing is normal for you, especially since you nearly spent a decade with this woman. When you have an emotionally low day just go to your anchors, your rocks, your back bones -your friends and family and LS.

 

Dont be too hard on yourself, just because you took 3 steps back, overall, you have still taken 5 steps forward, so your still in the positive.

 

The feeling of regret will pass with some time after you get out of your 'funk'.

 

Till then, keep chasing those girls.

[Fedor]

I remember following this thread when I first came here. Glad to hear that you did not give into temptation and fall into the same trap that has doomed many. Stay strong and dont worry about your ex. If you feel like she has to many problems to deal with, then she has to handle them on her own. Bankruptcy at 26 is freaking ridiculous. Good luck! Hope I havent fallen into the trap lol

[fetish1980]

Fedor and sun_moon, thanks for chiming in.

 

Well i have to say that i feel much better today. Falling in to relapses is no joke. Just when you feel you've conquered things, it comes back full force. The 6 month mark brought on alot of anxiety and fear about moving forward. I've been praying everynight for God to help me out of this setback and for a while i felt he wasn't listening.

 

Funny thing, he sent somebody just yesterday (A Loveshack member) who kind of slapped me with a dose of reality. Since then, i've kind of been snapped out of the depression. She helped me realize that my recent personal issues on missing my ex and second guessing myself not issues with the breakup. The issues are with myself. Although i've read alot of self help books and things for things like "getting back your Self esteem", "Living above your circumstances", and gotten counseling, i got to a point where i stagnated on trying to improve those and got too focused on dating.

 

The real reason is that when you're feeling good, as i've been feeling for the last 3 months, you tend to forget that those issues within yourself still exist and that you still need to finish working on them. Feeling better about yourself is a proocess that takes daily work, and daily practice, not only during times when feeling bad.

 

So really, i've continued soul searching and kind of remembered that bad times are necessary. No one likes to feel bad but during the "not so happy" times, it's important how we use those to channel it in to positive energy for growth.

 

So today i have a little better perspective and I realize that this is a long process that will not happen over night. I still have alot of work to do and it's going to be something i will need to be aware of for probably the rest of my life. I give thanks to the LS member who kind of woke me up a little and helped me snap out of that state of mind. (She knows who she is

) (wink)

 

That's my journal for today.

Edited August 25, 2011 by fetish1980

[geegirl]

I'm proud of you for your sense of optimism and focus, Fetish. You've come a long way. It's only going to get better. Ups and downs are part and parcel to getting where you want to be. Just remember that the downs are never an indication that you're failing or falling. Just what you need to go through in order to get past it. You're doing great. You are self aware and have introspection in what needs to be done...keep working on yourself! Positive changes!

[active_frm]

mesajınız için teşekkürler. yararlı buldum

[fetish1980]

Geegirl thanks alot, i always appreciate your words and wisdom. more than you know.

 

and active_frm. i really appreciate your input too. it made alot of sense.

 

fetish

[sun_moon]

and active_frm. i really appreciate your input too. it made alot of sense.

fetish

 

HAHHAHA

[Buttercup84]

Geegirl thanks alot, i always appreciate your words and wisdom. more than you know.

 

and active_frm. i really appreciate your input too. it made alot of sense.

 

fetish

 

Made me lol

[CopingGal]

It was a cry I let out for my ex. All because I pulled out an old wedding invitation that was sitting in a pocketbook in my closet. On the wedding invitation was his name and my name. I looked at it for awhile. Ran my fingers across his name. Tore it up and threw it away. I started to tear up and soon cried from my gut for the disappointment and for the way he treated me. More so because I felt sadness for me and how he treated me rather than losing him from my life.

 

It was New Years eve. He said he was not feeling well and wanted to stay home. I decided to stay home in my apartment too. I can see the 4th floor of his townhome but the rest is covered by trees and other homes. At the last minute, my friends asked me out. We went out and at 1AM I was driving home on a route that would not take me past his home but something told me to drive by his place so I took a detour. He was drunk, in some woman's car, lights on, car running and both of them going at it in his driveway. When I confronted adn walked away, he never came after me. He soon took that woman into his home and did his thing. I guess he thought I would have been sitting at home, fast asleep.

 

 

 

Geegirl, what he did to you was so incredibly disgusting. I'm so sorry about that. That man sounds like a filthy bastard.

[fetish1980]

geegirl is a friggin' soldier beast!

 

all this happened inside of the last 9 months and she's been able to support many others on this board.

 

fetish

Edited August 26, 2011 by fetish1980

[fetish1980]

Well the day finally came where i moved out of the apartment that we moved in together. She moved out in February and i was on countdown as to this day would come since then.

 

Wierd thing is, i started getting kind of down when moving out. I was discarding some of the old things we had together when we moved in. It started to feel like i was really leaving the last of "us" behind. What's wierd is, over the past 5 or 6 months, memories were beginning to fade of her having lived there anyway.

 

Well i can say that i completed a very difficult time in my journey to healing. Remaining there after she moved out was not easy at first, but i hung in there all this time and even was happy for a while. I just didn't expect what i thought would be a happy day to be so emotionally draining.

 

I'm liking my new place though. I might have to break NC though because i found out the carnote that i cosigned her for is falling behind.

 

fetish

[geegirl]

Geegirl, what he did to you was so incredibly disgusting. I'm so sorry about that. That man sounds like a filthy bastard.

 

Yes Coping, he makes my skin crawl now. I can't believe I spent nearly two years of my life with someone like that. One thing I do know, I thank him for the painful lesson.

[geegirl]

Soldier beast! I like it! Empowering it is.

 

You made a home for you and her and created memories there Fetish. It's not easy to discard those thoughts and emotions and steps to moving on is always a reminder of the finality of your life with her.

 

What you are feeling is normal. When I left my marital home, I used to get nightmares when I would wake wondering where I was in my new apartment. I would cry by myself missing everything about what I created in my marriage. Afraid to start out on my own with no family or support. Wishing for things to go back. All sorts of thoughts, memories, desires that will come remain until you completely let go. And when you do, they may still come, but you will feel them with indifference.

 

Make this place a home for you. Create it the way you want to and this is now a fresh canvas for you. A place to start creating new memories.

 

You are getting there. Another step to breaking free. One step at a time. A process.

 

I wish you didn't have to talk about the car note! Damn!

[fetish1980]

Well, i broke NC and said: Hello (ex's name)_. hope you're doing ok.

 

Her reply: Wow. i'm doing ok. How are you. did you get your new place?

 

(So she sounded happy to hear from me)

 

Fetish: Yeah i did.

 

(So a little small talk passes)

 

Fetish: BTW They're calling me about the car payment again.

 

Her reply: I'm going to have to pay the carnote my next check. I know u worried im a **** u over on the car note DONT WORRY ABOUT IT I WILL CONTNUE TO PAY THE CAR NOTE STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT

 

(I'm thinking, the nerve of this %%%%. Last time i asked her about it was the last time they called me which was in July.)

 

I replied: Look. All i did was told u they called. And if u get another cosigner u wont have 2 worry about me asking u.

 

 

Haven't heard from her since. Well her next paycheck since that message was yesterday. I don't even feel like stressing about it. I haven't called them to see if its been paid and they haven't called me yet. The carnote isn't 30 days past due and that's the only way it would mark my credit.

 

But anyway, that's the way she was. Would get attitude and temper when i'd tell her of things whether it was money, gambling, or any disagreement we had that she didn't want to hear. I still miss the memory of what i thought we had, but i would've never made it with her. It's crazy how we forget a person's faults when we miss them and only incline to remember the good times. Most of the time we got along well and had fun together, but don't let any disagreements happen, all hell would break lose! Well this refreshed my memory a little as to why i'm not with her.

 

I found out from a few family members (who were still her mutual friends) just before a week before i sent that message that she was on facebook writing of us. One of her friends was:

 

Are you still getting married?

 

Her: No, i guess he doesn't want anything to do with me. He broke my heart, but i probably broke his heart more. I haven't heard from him in a long time, i guess he's gone on about his business. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Love stinks!

 

Well i guess she found out that my family members could see her wall posts. So she immediately deleted all of them. Too late. She was already busted. lol

 

 

 

Geegirl, thanks for your post.

 

Did it take you as long as its been taking me to get over your failed r/ls and marriage? I'm at 7 months and still in pain, but still trying to move forward. IT's just scary to me how time hasn't stood still and it will be a year since our b/u before i know it. February 2012 is right around the corner.

 

BTW, i miss your old avatar. . I guess the new one will take some getting used to.

 

fetish

Edited September 18, 2011 by fetish1980

[fetish1980]

even though breaking nc was for business, i still feel like i messed up.

 

fetish

[geegirl]

Hey bud,

 

I felt it was time to remove that avatar. It was a pretty sad avatar, if you ask me! Time for change.

 

I didn't see your post about breaking NC so I am glad it's bumped.

 

No, you didn't mess up. If 1) you were really wanting to talk about the car note and was concerned about your credit (I would be nervous as hell if I was in your situation as I am particular about my credit and my finances), it would have been hard not to say anything as i would have wanted some peace of mind. If 2) you were wanting to test the waters in some fashion, you're human. The good thing is that again, after a another disappointing exchange, it's a big dose of reality that you most likely needed since you were still wondering about "ifs".

 

Sometimes even if we've gone months on NC, the urge to break can sometimes be as strong as when we first started that journey. That junkie mind will still play tricks on you.

 

So you have seen her again for what she is. Her comments on FB are pretty straightforward. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just get back up again. Don't stay fallen and don't keep yourself in a negative mindset of thoughts that you messed up and that it's the worst thing you could have done. You did what you did and whatever the motive, you again have your answer.

 

Sometimes we have to fail at NC a few times for us to really realize the gift that it is.

 

As for my ex husband, I believe I was on the path to checking out towards the end of the marriage when he was detached and unemotional towards me. It made me cold and my feelings diminished. So, I didn't feel that love anymore for him.

 

As for my past R with my ex, it took me about 3 months to get my balance and the break was in January. By March I was getting my focus on who he truly was and it was turning my emotions into dislike and disgust. In April, he reached out and was emotional but I realized he was just giving me verbal diarrhea as I knew he was seeing others. I believe it is all about focusing on who they are as a person and grasping the reality of how negatively they affected your life and would continue doing so if you moved forward versus dwelling on what could have been and why they didn't love you. That's what I focused on. And when I grasped the reality of him, that's when I looked at him with indifference because I realized he was not that great, and that he was just a sad human being.

 

I think you still keep going back to the why she didn't want to be with you, why it ended, why it could not have been happily every after. You are stuck in fantasizing. Still holding on to what could have been. You realize she was horrible to you but it's very fleeting in your mind. Inside you still want to be validated and loved by her. But really, you don't need validation and love from her when you start to realize that you don't need it from her. If she had it in her to begin with, you would have it. She never had it so you need to stop expecting or still have that notion of "I wish".

 

It's going to be a year. You are right. And if you are conscious that you are spending too many days and months on something that you should have at least detached some, you have a choice to make. Another year of pining for someone who treated you like crap?

 

Is your pain still as bad as when you first ended and started your journey or do you feel some progress, even a little? Some people take a little longer and it all depends on who you are and what your R entailed. There is no emotional timetable but I hope you at least feel some progress. I hope you're going out, doing things for yourself, therapy, volunteering, controlling your thoughts (important), snapping yourself into thinking realistically versus wallowing in emotion, etc.

 

You didn't mess up by what you did. Look at it as a positive thing. Another reason to propel you forward! Start seeing her for who she is and not what you hope she could have been.

Edited September 18, 2011 by geegirl

[fetish1980]

hey geegirl,

 

She was trying to get back together with me this summer if you remember but i told her that i wanted to remain single. As for her comments on fb, when she said she didn't want to be in a relationship, i think that she was just saying that she was giving up on love since i broke her heart. It sounded like she was still hurting. But How i broke her heart? I don't know.

 

Maybe its because i didn't go back with her or because i agreed to the break up. She always threatened a breakup when things didnt go her way over the years, but i was so pissed off about the missed january car payment and the marking of my credit, that i agreed it was time for us to part ways, thus it was a mutual break up. But she always bluffed on things she didn't really want. After the b/u, she continued to reach out for the next 3-5 months. By me not contacting her, she complained that she was the only one reaching out, so she finally quit trying to contact me in early August.

 

So as an answer to your question, i feel like i've made progress but I still go through some intense pain. Maybe not as bad as it was in February/March, but enough to still shed some tears sometimes. I guess it had to do with the fact that she finally stopped contacting and i feel like i pushed her away by not contacting her or going back. It really does feel like a death. I'm well aware that i would've been going back to the same old issues and it was an unhealthy situation, but i guess that's one of the "what ifs" you're speaking of. Sometimes i wonder, "What if, i had just given it another try?"

 

I still continue to go out and get dates, but i haven't had much success as of right now, and when i say success, i mean intimacy. Maybe its written all over my face that my self confidence is not at its highest right now because i'm still healing, thus maybe coming off as a little desperate, i don't know. But sometimes it gets me down and my mind starts playing its tricks on me and saying that my ex is the only one who wanted me, and i pushed her completely out of my life. I know within my heart that's not true. I realize i still have work to do on myself. I'm a little fearful of being alone but maybe you can attest to how good of a gift being alone actually is.

 

As for your last relationship, you were with him for 5 years right? You seemed to bounce back pretty quickly. 3 months is no time. How long were you married for? About 7 years right?

 

fetish

Edited September 19, 2011 by fetish1980