Ex gf broke no contact after 3 months, wants to be friends, and I messed up. :(

[Heartache3]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been to this site many times since my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me, which happened late February 2011 (roughly 3 months ago). I've been constantly reading tons of people's stories and read all of your advice. I've learned from here that the NC rule is key to getting over a breakup, but before I go into what happened two days ago I'll provide some background info.

 

My girlfriend and I enjoyed a long and happy relationship together. We go back to Sophomore year of high school, when we became friends. Then a year later in my Junior year we fell for each other hard, and dated for a strong 3 years. Now we are both 20, she is a Sophomore at a community college back in my hometown and I am a Sophomore at a university 40 minutes away.

 

Though we loved each other very much, we definitely had our problems. I slowly began to learn that she had a very stubborn, controlling, and manipulative attitude. Many times she made me feel like crap, telling me I wasn't doing enough in our relationship (not talking over the phone or Facebook enough was a big one, it got to the point where I excluded my friends just to be with her and would talk for 4 hours a day sometimes) and demanded more attention. And oftentimes I found myself saying sorry to her again and again. Sometimes 10 or more times in one conversation. Even though she demanded a lot, I wanted to give her the attention, she was my everything. I loved her dearly.

 

But I was always so forgiving and understanding, and I accepted her controlling attitude. Why? Well besides that, she was wonderful. She was absolutely sexy. She is mosty Japanese, so thanks to her diet she was beautiful, so inevitably the sex we had was really intense. I am studying Japanese as well, and I became really close with her family (father is 100% Japanese) and we talked in Japanese a few times. She was incredibly caring and kind when she wasn't controlling (whenever I went to her house she was always such a good host, even made lunch every time). And overall, despite the controlling attitude, she was a very positive person and saw only good parts of life. And most importantly she was seriously in love with me, and we couldnt get enough of each other.

 

On the other hand, I am sort of a cynical person and definitely made this apparent to her. I was so negative sometimes about how things were playing out in my life. I gained a lot of weight (roughly 50 pounds, went from 180 to 230) since we started dating, and I began feeling pity for myself. Also we come from two different economic standings in society; she lives in a very affluent area with two parents that work well-paying jobs, I come from the east side of town and I only have my mom, who is currently trying to find work. I often got incredibly jealous about our different backgrounds, and while she tried to help me overcome this it must have been a huge burden on her. I generally had low confidence in myself and self-pity. But I treated her like a queen nonetheless. I never cheated, gave her all the love and attention I could possibly give, we played piano together and practiced Japanese together, and we were so happy together.

 

Anyway, I don't want to drag this out too long, but in February of this year she apparently finally had enough of my "negativity". And she wanted to breakup. As I was well aware of her controlling behavior, I accepted this breakup and we agreed it was for the best. I wouldn't have to deal with her controlling attitude anymore.

 

But I don't believe her one bit when she says it was my attitude that made her want to leave. She met a guy in one of her classes a couple of months before the breakup. He is a really fit guy, probably has a lot of self-esteem, he teaches tae kwon do at a local dojo. My guess: she fell for him, because here I was, with my attitude I seemed like one of the most unattractive guys to her.

 

So what do ya know, a week later she begins dating this guy. And it crushed me. How could she leave a 3 year relationship, with so many experiences and firsts (we were virgins when we met), and throw it all away for someone she barely knew? I don't know. She's already very involved with him. She's joined his dojo, met his family, and probably have done everything sexual we once did.

 

At first, I thought we could be friends. When the disaster in Japan hit, she messaged me over facebook to tell me her family over there was okay. And I was relieved, and told her I'd rather be friends than split ways. but I soon realized this was a bad idea, and started NC. This was in mid March.

 

Now, it's May. And here's the interesting part. Two days ago (Sunday) she left a voicemail on my phone and sent an email to me. Keep in mind, I haven't heard from her in nearly 3 months. She basically was wondering what i was up to, and thought if it would be okay if we could be friends.

 

I ignored her at first, and she ended up calling 3 more times that day. I ignored them. She even texted me saying, "Hey. Are you willing to talk to me?". I ignored that too. But then something came over me, i thought, "Even if she is dating this new guy, maybe friends can work. We have such a strong bond as it is, maybe we can share that again as friends."

 

So I texted her back. We caught up a little, and she wanted to talk with me over the phone. For 30 min or so we talked. She apologized for breaking up with me in the way she did (btw she was incredibly cold-hearted, said she was living in the moment and didnt care about what others thought about her decision to get with this new guy). and I told her why it really hurt when she left (I felt like we lost a special bond together, or love of Japanese language and culture, because after all she's Japanese and I felt so proud to be a part of that culture. And of course, the love we shared). She got emotional over that and started crying for a bit. But it was a very nice conversation, and I wasn't angry with her.

 

But her boyfriend got word of us talking, didn't like it, and wanted it to stop. This was Sunday evening. So my ex was a little upset by this (she wanted to be friends with me and now she couldnt), but I did the right thing and bowed out gracefully. i told her I respect his feelings, its a bad idea that we should be friends, and we should carry on without each other in our lives. She agreed.

 

That night I sent an email to her, telling her thank you for talking, and that this isn't the end to our friendship. And that I'll never forget her, and thanked for all she's taught me about myself and that i will continue to better myself. She replied last night, saying in simple words, "Thank you. That means a lot" along with the fact that her bf doesnt trust her now that she talked with me, but time will heal that.

 

So I'm at this point now, where I kinda regret what I did. I told her I wished we could be friends again...but in reality... I'm still not over her. I answered her on Sunday, with a false hope that perhaps things werent working out with her new bf. And that maybe we could start over with the changes that we're making to ourselves. Maybe it was stupid of me to do this. I tried to please her by accepting a possible friendship, and when that went sour with her new bf, I said that maybe someday we could meet again and continue our friendship.

 

I believe I did the right thing: ended on good terms. But she probably still thinks I can be her friend, when in actuality I don't think I could. Considering our past relationship, and especially with this new bf in the picture, i couldn't do it.

 

Love Shack... what should i do now? I'm afraid that in a few months, maybe even weeks from now, she might contact me again. What should I do? Ignore them (would she be confused if i did)? Tell her what I HONESTLY feel, that I'm not over her and I'm still healing? I dunno... I kind of lied to her in a sense these last couple of days, out of this stupid false hope. She said she wants to email once in a while, but I can't do that... it would obviously obstruct my path to my old happy self again.

 

Thank you so much for your time in reading this, I appreciate any advice I can get.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Heartache3

[Fedor]

Sounds like a very complicated situation. It seems like she misses you from her life and is confused as to what role she wants you to play in it. 3 months and then out of nowhere she contacts you? All I can say is dont develop false hope. It will only crush you in the end. Continue no contact until she tells you she wants to be together or until she breaks up with this other dude. Best wishes..

[Heartache3]

Thank you Fedor for your advice, you're right. I should not have a false hope, because for all I know, she doesn't want to get back with me. She's still in a honeymoon phase with her new bf (they've been dating ever since she broke up with me).

 

A part of me wants her back, I know that we can change for the better over time and perhaps renew the love we once shared.... not only romantic love, but the love of Japan that we both share (and I think that goes deeper than my romantic desire for her).

 

But another part of me says to move on... and that I can find other women who are not so controlling. :/ I dunno...

[Heartache3]

Can anyone help me with this situation? I'm feeling a bit better today, since it's been about 3 days since I haven't talked with her. I regret responding to her so much... if only I had some dignity left I could have just ignored it.

 

I'm strictly going NC now but it's hard to start at square one again... :/ Gosh I was so stupid!

[kaycstamper]

Well this is how we learn.

 

My X and I were NC for 2 1/2 months and then when he resumed contact I found my emotions all over the place and it set me back. I finally decided to put a wall around my heart and NOT hope for anything with him that it's in my best interest to just be friends and that is it. I haven't had a problem since and it's been months, we talk on the phone but I've accepted that our relationship is changed forever and I'm better off.

[Heartache3]

I see... well I'm glad you are able to accept that so fast. Perhaps it's going to take me a long time before I can be in your position, where I accept the fact that she doesn't want me anymore...

 

But with her new bf I find this impossible. I can see us be friends if she's NOT dating someone. But with him in the picture, I don't feel like I fit in well. :/

[Thierro]

You sound like a good person. I understand that a situation like this makes you insecure and plays with your mind. You are not really over the relationship so it’s for the best that you take care of yourself first and hold on to NC and your own healing. Find closure in your heart through understanding yourself, who you are and what you want. Take the break-up as an opportunity to better yourself. Never be friends when you were lovers in the past.

 

A lot of people on this board get false hope when their ex break NC. I don’t think it’s fare of the ex to contact you even though they think that they have the right intentions to do so. They let you go so they need to respect your feelings.

 

Take your time.

[Heartache3]

Thierro,

 

Thank you so much. You are absolutely right, there is no way to be friends with a past lover. And I will definitely try my hardest to take this traumatic experience and see it as an opportunity to learn from.

 

Yeah it wasn't fair of her to do that. I hope that through the NC she will understand that I need my space. And if she really wants to make it work again someday, perhaps when we both have changed for the better, she will do whatever it takes to get in contact with me again. So next time if she calls or something, I won't be fooled again by such a stupid false hope. Because as far as I know, she may want to call again just to talk "as friends" and feel it's okay to discuss her new boyfriend with me.

[kaycstamper]

You are so right...I don't think it was quick or easy, we were engaged for over a year and he broke up with me w/o any warning, I was shocked, hurt, felt betrayed, and now it's nine months later and I still have no interest in dating. But I have been through this before so my previous exp. may have lent to my being able to shut down after he resumed contact and hurt me again.

 

It would be extremely difficult for me to watch him with someone else but being as neither of us chooses to date (we're in our 50's), it does make it easier on us. If he had someone else in my life I think I would choose to go NC again. I really don't want that paraded around in front of me.

 

I love him but accept that for whatever reasons he's not ready or able to be in a relationship and I have to protect myself from being hurt again.

[Heartache3]

Kaycstamper,

 

I am so sorry to hear that... engaged for for over a year and then for him to just leave you like that... :/ Your situation probably hurts a lot more than mine, and I'm glad you've been moving on well.

 

I agree with you about going NC after someone else is involved with your ex. I can't bear the thought of her doing things with him. But like they say, ignorance is bliss isn't it? The less I know about what they're doing, the better off I am. Fortunately I only know little, and I hope to keep it that way.

 

So I've got a question. How likely is it that this "rebound" of hers isn't going to work out? From what I've heard from her sister, this new guy is somewhat cocky. And her sister even said she likes me a lot better than him. And my ex always said she hated cocky guys, and she absolutely loved me because I'm not like that (I'm a math major in college, I don't think many of us are cocky outgoing people. XD) I dunno... they are in their honeymoon phase right now (only a little over 2 months). Do you think his real flaws are going to kick in soon? By that time, do you think she'll start to realize what she missed?

Edited May 11, 2011 by Heartache3

[kaycstamper]

They are in their infatuation stage right now, but that is short lived.

 

Usually we don't think clearly when entering a rebound.

 

Will she miss you? Maybe. Will she wish she had you back? Who knows? I know that hasn't seemed to have been the case with me and Jim and I don't get it. Go figure!