longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 My mother has always been a negative part in my life. And as much as she says she wants me to be happy, I really don't get a feeling like she wants me to be happy in my life. She has not dated in 15 or so years because she used the excuse of raising me, but since I dated this guy, she seems to be negative towards that and doesn't want me to date him. She says I am settling for him when really I am giving him a chance until he screws up. I don't settle for no one. So, what do I do when my mother is so unhappy with her life that it seems like she wants me to go down the same path. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 You know, if you went to a counsellor, you could get help on dealing with your mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I really don't think there is any hope though. Unless I move out and I just can't do that yet because of money issues. But, yes, I know counsellors seems to do everything to help people out. Just wish I wasn't so stuborn. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Just wish I wasn't so stuborn Don't you get that you are cutting off your nose to spite your face? What's the point of being stubborn if the only result is that you're miserable? This can't possibly make sense to you. Actually, I don't think you're stubborn; I think you're scared. Several folks on this board were resistant to getting help, finally got help, and have been real pleased at the results. Why continue to sabotage your own self by accepting your state of unhappiness? Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I hate when your right. I know. There are alot of things I should do for myself, but I am scared. And I don't want to be unhappy and live like this. My mom even told me to do something about it, and to go see a counsellor or a doctor to talk about problems and get medication, because life doesn't have to be like this. And she sees it on my face how misreable I am. I know that I am making the wrong choice by continueing with this losser, but I don't know how to get out of it where he leaves me alone. I keep telling my mom, the guy I am seeing still, and friends from work that when I go to VEGAS, that I am not comming back. Maybe with winning the trip, this might be a sign to explore my options out there and I might be content with myself and my life if I live out there. So, yes, I totally agree that I need to do something like counselling to help me out. Just something that will have me talk to someone who can help me. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I hate when your right. I know. Pretty much everyone does but I don't know how to get out of it where he leaves me alone. Longlegz, you wanted a boyfriend because you thought that would make you feel better. It hasn't has it? So there's no point in continuing with the loser. It is a strategy which didn't work so you might as well abandon it. Not only that, he often makes you unhappier than you usually are That, you don't need. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 No offense, but you post the same problems over and over and over again. At what point are you going to choose to listen to the advice that is offered? You MUST be getting something out of being so miserable--otherwise, why would you continue to allow yourself to be miserable? Many folks here have suggested that you could benefit from counseling or medication. I agree. Many folks here have suggested that you move out of your mother's house. I agree. You've been complaining about money issues for the past year. Didn't you graduate from college last May? Are you still actively job hunting? How many resumes have you sent out? Are you networking? Are you looking for jobs outside of your degree area, just to have a decent job for awhile? Are you doing freelance work to get your portfolio going? Have you considered getting a Master's degree? You are 23 and have TONS of options--why are you not looking into any of them? You really do seem to enjoy being in limbo. And to enjoy complaining about it. Yes, you might be scared--well, longlegsz, LIFE IS SCARY. You aren't always going to be in a comfort zone, people aren't always going to be nice to you, people aren't always going to treat you right, and sometimes you run the risk of failing at something you attempt to do. THAT IS LIFE. I really don't know what to tell you anymore. If you don't want to take responsibility for your actions and life (and don't blame stubbornness--that's a cop out)--then there is nothing any of us here can do for you. She has not dated in 15 or so years because she used the excuse of raising me, but since I dated this guy, she seems to be negative towards that and doesn't want me to date him. Is it possible that she doesn't want you to date him because HE'S AN a**h***? I seem to recall that she was supportive when you first met him...things have changed. He's pressuring you for sex and altogether treating you like crap. My mom wouldn't like him either, and she dates all the time. She says I am settling for him when really I am giving him a chance until he screws up. He's already screwed up. How many chances does he get? I don't settle for no one. Right. This guy treated you like dirt, and you took him back. That's settling. I want to hear anything good about this guy. From what I see, he's a selfish, manipulative, controlling jerk who is 14 years older than you. You can certainly do better than that. So, what do I do when my mother is so unhappy with her life that it seems like she wants me to go down the same path. This has zero to do with your mom and EVERYTHING to do with you. Here's a similar thread from a few months ago... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=32566 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I agree. Why can't I leave him though? Why am I so stupid to still be with a guy who I know will end up snapping at me once again? I am just waiting for him to blow. Too, I am not happy in this situation and I told him I was not happy with the whole dating thing, but me being the idot that I am is giving him a chance and why is that. I just don't know. I realize that I have to make myself happy first of all before having someone in my life, but he seems to not understand that I need to focus on myself before getting into a relationship. I don't know. My mother thinks I am just settling for him, I have a guy friend who is at war who thinks this guy is bad news, all the loveshackers who thinks he is bad news and I do the complete opposite from what everyone says and know I am making the wrong move. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Many folks here have suggested that you could benefit from counseling or medication She just agreed that she should look into that. One more thing, longlegz: that when I go to VEGAS, that I am not comming back. Maybe with winning the trip, this might be a sign to explore my options out there and I might be content with myself and my life if I live out there. No. This won't happen. You can't move away from your problems; you'll only take them with you. You likely have a chemical ailment. This will not be cured without treatment. If you were diabetic, you'd rush to the doctor. This is similar only it's your brain that isn't getting the right chemicals in the right combinations. You can take that brain to Timbuktu and you'll end up in Timbuktu feeling as bad or worse. At least now you have a home and some company. In Las Vegas, you'll be totally alone and penniless and, trust me on this, even more miserable. This will not go away by wishing or hoping or changing your hairstyle or dating Brad Pitt or winning a bazillion dollars. It needs to be treated. Why can't I leave him though There is a phenomenon called 'entrapment' whereby people don't leave bad situations because someplace in the backs of their minds, they think that as soon as they leave, things will improve. You are stuck. In a rut. And you keep thinking that the solution to your problems lies outside of yourself, specifically now in him. It doesn't but you don't want to admit that because that means you'd have to do the scary thing; i.e. go see a doctor. Why does this scare you so much, Sarah? Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I know I type the same things all the time. And no I am not getting anything out of being misreable. This is something that I am so used too that it is just hard to admit that I have a true problem that can't go away on its own. I am sorry that I repeat myself so much, I did not realize that it gets to everyone as much as it does and I won't do it again. I agree with both Moimeme and Clia. I do have tons of options that I don't seem to be taking and that is all because of the lack of motivation and being scared of getting out into my field etc. This is horrible. I hate being like this and have to do something about it. The next time I come on here, I will try to write about something new and different. As of now, these problems are the only problems I face that I know of. And feel like I have no one else to turn to other then comming on the internet and typing out my problems here. So, I get it. I need help. I need to get my ass into gear and get rollin with everything and to dump this losser. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Longlegz, you have to help yourself, nobody can do it for you, if we could we would, but you seem to enjoy being unhappy and not willing to change, i know what you are going through because i am doing the same thing, except i am taking the steps to fix it. We can only show you the door, you have to walk through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Man, the truth really hurts. I don't know why I am so scared to leave or to help myself. I guess I don't want others like my family to know I have really bad problems and the only way I can take care of it is going on medication or going to a counsellor. And I really think the reason why I am with him is so I don't have to be alone all the time. Its company for me and whether it is good company or bad I seem to take it with whatever it comes with. Too, I have been alone for all my life, yeah I had my mother but it almost seems as if she just don't care for me and wants me to be just like her. And I can't do that. But yes, I am going to get help. I apparently can't do this on my own so I would have to. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I apparently can't do this on my own It's like trying to will a broken leg to be fixed without getting it set properly. Your family may be the sort of people who think depression is a matter of wrong thinking - though your mom seems to understand, since she's suggested you get help. It isn't. I don't know if you read the thread I put up with the article about the chemical causes of mental ailments. It's just the junk in your body is screwed up. You can't magically manufacture the chemicals you need. Look, if people could just fix themselves easily, there would be no PMS because nobody would want to feel that way - but heaps of people get it and it hits many of them badly. What's it all about? Chemicals. Nothing to do with you, personally. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Sarah, dear, u're making me If I could reach you physically, i'd pack you into a car, and take you to a doctor right NOW. Yes, it's all very scary, but you have only two options - stay miserable for the rest of your life or get off your skinny ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Lose all the 'i dont know why i'm so stubborn', 'i dont know why i cant leave him'. Plz! Of course you CAN, you just don't WANT to. Because this misery is familiar and cozy, and going to a doctor, or actively seeking a job, is something new and risky. Listen, I didn't want my family to know i was in counselling either and guess what - I DIDN'T TELL 'EM! Wow what a concept eh Much later, when I was ready, I told 'em about it, and they were IMPRESSED. Now, based on my insistance (and it took a lot, she was stubborn like you) my mother is on meds and doing MUCH BETTER. so come on - get off your ass already. yes, it's scary, but here u've got a whole crowd at LS to support you! so GO. NOW! there's no point in sitting there and hating yourself. once you get past your issues, you'll love yourself for getting the help you needed. I, for one, am very happy with myself for getting the help that *i* needed (and yes, it took me a while to get around to it, too). grrr, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by yes Sarah, dear, u're making me If I could reach you physically, i'd pack you into a car, and take you to a doctor right NOW. Yes, it's all very scary, but you have only two options - stay miserable for the rest of your life or get off your skinny ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Yes exactly, i kinda need that too, but yeah do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 WEll, today was definitly a rough day. I spent the time with my boyfriend and we are OFFICIALLY BROKEN UP because I seem to get all hot and bother with him, but can;t seem to have sex. What's wrong with me I don't know. When I told my mom that I have been talking to him, she was pissed at me all day, and when I just came home several several hours latter, she yelled at me. So, I am now alone. I can really say that I will have no one in my life because of the way I am. No one seems to accept that I get all hot and horny but can't seem to have sex with the guy. So, I will get nowhere. How great. I love my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 You know what, with my mother being so overprotective and all in my business and him who is an abusive guy, I can truely say I hate the both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I spent the time with my boyfriend and we are OFFICIALLY BROKEN UP Hallelujah! because I seem to get all hot and bother with him, but can;t seem to have sex. What's wrong with me I don't know. Nothing is wrong with you. Something deep inside you knew this guy was a jerk and wouldn't let you have sex with him. So, I am now alone. No you're not. You've got your friends. You've got us! I can really say that I will have no one in my life because of the way I am. No one seems to accept that I get all hot and horny but can't seem to have sex with the guy. So, I will get nowhere. Now really. Listen to what you're saying. You are worth more than a sex object. And you do not want to be having sex with jerks in order not to be alone - you'd feel much, MUCH worse if you were doing that. Longlegz, the solution to your problems is not in other people, and especially not in any male who happens by. Your solution to your problems is inside you and if you go see a therapist, that person will help you find your happiness. You keep thinking 'if only I had X, I'd be happy' but I guarantee you, you would not. This unhappiness is for you to fix, not to try to escape through a man or travel or a job because it won't leave you alone until you face it down with treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Sarah....I know it's hard. Heck, I have found fixing my own life up hard! But I'm doing it, little bit by little bit. And I am no better than you are...I just decided it was time to stop obsessing! And with help of those around me and patience, and medication I am healing. You will heal too, and many of these issues will start to go away when you get better. We can't fix you up. We can give you advice, but it's up to you to act on it. Make a list of things to do after easter...and stick to it. Put - go to Dr as no. 1, and book into a counsellor as no. 2, and read books on family relationships, or mother daughter relationships as no.3 (the library has plenty- which I've read when I was going through tension with my mum). We all support you on this. Then you can report in on how you are going. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Its good that you are broken up, we are here for you 24/7, you will be ok, you are a great person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 I am glad to hear that you guys are behind me. I really appreciate it. It is really hard and I wish I did not feel so stupid but I do. Why can't I seem to find someone who can hold off on the sex thing and just want to get to know one another until we both feel ready to do intimate stuff? I just don't get it and I really don't get why I feel so stupid. But anyways, thanks everyone for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Sarah, dear, your focus shouldn't be on relationships right now. You won't be able to have a good r/s until you're fine on your own, and as of now, it doesn't seem to me that you are. There ARE guys out there who will like you and let you wait w/ the sex thing. BUT one thing to keep in mind is - if you don't wanna have sex, don't get yourself into sticky situations with the guy. Keep your clothes on, and his hands on the outside of them. That way you'll avoid the situation where you're turned on but don't want to have sex because you're not emotionally ready -- that situation is recipy for disaster b/c you'll leave unsatisfied either way. Anyway, now that u've finally broken up w/ this dude, it's time to straighten up your life. When are you going to see a counsellor? a doctor? send out your resumes? Keep us updated on your progress -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlegzs80 Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 YES: I know I have to focus on myself and that is what I am going to do. I was in a very sticky situation with this guy where I only thought about this guy and nothing else. And I know I was doing the wrong thing by accepting his behavior. But it is over and I can now focus on my life which I should have done before, but could not do it. And yes, I am going to go to the counselor and even the doctor within 2 months. I realize I just have to do this because I have alot of issues that need some taken care of. So, I want to do that. I just have too. And as far as the resumes go, I have been sending them out, but not as much as I would like. This is a rough period for my field as far as getting a job. Sure there are tons of opportunity out there, but just getting your foot into the door is really been a struggle. So, all I do is keep trying. And if worse comes to worse, I would go back to college to get my masters degree as much as it is not needed for my field unless I want to be a teacher. So, those are my ideas as of now. I have been taking deep breaths and feeling alot better about this situation with that losser of a boyfriend that I had. It is over. No more emotional abuse or verbal. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I have been taking deep breaths and feeling alot better about this situation with that losser of a boyfriend that I had. It is over. No more emotional abuse or verbal. That's great, Sarah! You didn't need more hassles! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Sarah... a plan of action sounds great. Good on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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