I have a really hard time getting and maintaining guy friendships.

[DreamerGirl27]

Most guys ignore me. These are guys I know in real life and have known for a long time as well. I will message them on facebook only to get nothing in response. Then I wonder why they even added me in the first place.

 

I have heard a lot of girls say that they always have guy friends and I just don't get it. It is REALLY difficult for me to get guy friends. Women flock to me. Men don't. What is wrong with me? I'm definitely not bi or a lesbian. So why am I giving off this vibe that I only want females to talk to me? I will admit...I am more comfortable around women, because I am a woman, I feel I have more in common with them and I'm more comfortable talking to them about anything. Men, not so much. I feel like there's a constant "sexual tension" between us.

 

Maybe that is why. I view pretty much any guy who is talking to me as if he likes me or vice versa.

 

I dunno. Even though I view every guy that way, I don't like every guy that way. I am just really, really, really, really picky.

 

I don't know how to not be. The thought of sex with any guy that I don't like is excruciating. The thought of holding their hand is excruciating. The thought of hanging out with them in an intimate setting is even excruciating. I just am really uncomfortable around men.

 

Why?

[carhill]

The best way to have good friends is to be a good friend. Historically, having had a lot of female friends as well as male friends and a few really close platonic female friends, the single aspect which sets the good apart from the rest is proactive love, care and interest. The quickest way to get rid of me as a friend is when I see a woman's world is so small that it only contains her. This can be a result of her personality and/or circumstances, but it is IMO unhealthy for anything long-term, platonic or romantic. I give them one opportunity to take a sincere interest in my life and then, if no joy, cut them loose. I've done that with a few LS ladies who will remain nameless.

 

If you don't have any male friends, look in the mirror. The image seen within is the common denominator.

 

Try this: Pick an interest you enjoy which is co-ed and participate. Approach men you find to be friendly and outgoing and chat them up without regard to their relationship status. Focus on the interest. I did this when I was in our local cycling club for fifteen years. I met all kinds of women that way, some who would become friends. Repetitively revisiting and focusing on the interest builds synergy. I've always enjoyed cooking and often helped out my best female friend at the restaurant her parents owned, whether it was taking out the trash, cooking or washing dishes. She used to go cycling with me even though she wasn't into it as much. We had a great friendship. Her boyfriend didn't mind at all, though they did drift away after getting married. I was friends with her longer than I was married so I consider it a success even though it ended.

 

Approach, be friendly, show interest and focus on interests. No flirting. Good luck

[Ms. Joolie]

Same thoughts as Carhill here. It absolutely won't work to obsess over guy friendships. You'll freak them out, scare them away, be disappointed.

 

Focus on your music, further your education, pick up a new hobby, take any classes of your choice, look into your local social groups, volunteer, get into awesome physical shape, start a community group or project.... there are so many other things for you to do in which you can meet people and work on your relationships.

 

Something very clear in what you post is your awkwardness/nervousness around males. This would be a great topic for your introspection. It probably is the main thing in the way of your guy friendships. Ever thought about talking this over with a therapist?

[Ross MwcFan]

Most guys ignore me. These are guys I know in real life and have known for a long time as well. I will message them on facebook only to get nothing in response. Then I wonder why they even added me in the first place.

 

I have heard a lot of girls say that they always have guy friends and I just don't get it. It is REALLY difficult for me to get guy friends. Women flock to me. Men don't. What is wrong with me? I'm definitely not bi or a lesbian. So why am I giving off this vibe that I only want females to talk to me? I will admit...I am more comfortable around women, because I am a woman, I feel I have more in common with them and I'm more comfortable talking to them about anything. Men, not so much. I feel like there's a constant "sexual tension" between us.

 

Maybe that is why. I view pretty much any guy who is talking to me as if he likes me or vice versa.

 

I dunno. Even though I view every guy that way, I don't like every guy that way. I am just really, really, really, really picky.

 

I don't know how to not be. The thought of sex with any guy that I don't like is excruciating. The thought of holding their hand is excruciating. The thought of hanging out with them in an intimate setting is even excruciating. I just am really uncomfortable around men.

 

Why?

 

I blame religion.

[gaius]

Most guys ignore me. These are guys I know in real life and have known for a long time as well. I will message them on facebook only to get nothing in response. Then I wonder why they even added me in the first place.

 

I have heard a lot of girls say that they always have guy friends and I just don't get it. It is REALLY difficult for me to get guy friends. Women flock to me. Men don't. What is wrong with me? I'm definitely not bi or a lesbian. So why am I giving off this vibe that I only want females to talk to me? I will admit...I am more comfortable around women, because I am a woman, I feel I have more in common with them and I'm more comfortable talking to them about anything. Men, not so much. I feel like there's a constant "sexual tension" between us.

 

Maybe that is why. I view pretty much any guy who is talking to me as if he likes me or vice versa.

 

I dunno. Even though I view every guy that way, I don't like every guy that way. I am just really, really, really, really picky.

 

I don't know how to not be. The thought of sex with any guy that I don't like is excruciating. The thought of holding their hand is excruciating. The thought of hanging out with them in an intimate setting is even excruciating. I just am really uncomfortable around men.

 

Why?

Did you have any close relationships with men growing up? Father/Brother/Good friends?

 

It really is better that a woman not have a ton of male friends but being that uncomfortable around us doesn't seem helpful.

[DreamerGirl27]

Did you have any close relationships with men growing up? Father/Brother/Good friends?

 

It really is better that a woman not have a ton of male friends but being that uncomfortable around us doesn't seem helpful.

 

I find it better, too. So, I don't know why I'm complaining. lol

[DreamerGirl27]

Same thoughts as Carhill here. It absolutely won't work to obsess over guy friendships. You'll freak them out, scare them away, be disappointed.

 

Focus on your music, further your education, pick up a new hobby, take any classes of your choice, look into your local social groups, volunteer, get into awesome physical shape, start a community group or project.... there are so many other things for you to do in which you can meet people and work on your relationships.

 

Something very clear in what you post is your awkwardness/nervousness around males. This would be a great topic for your introspection. It probably is the main thing in the way of your guy friendships. Ever thought about talking this over with a therapist?

 

Well thank you for your input ::sarcasm:: and I really don't think you are qualified to be telling me whether or not I need to see a therapist and frankly, am quite insulted that you would do so.

[DreamerGirl27]

The best way to have good friends is to be a good friend. Historically, having had a lot of female friends as well as male friends and a few really close platonic female friends, the single aspect which sets the good apart from the rest is proactive love, care and interest. The quickest way to get rid of me as a friend is when I see a woman's world is so small that it only contains her. This can be a result of her personality and/or circumstances, but it is IMO unhealthy for anything long-term, platonic or romantic. I give them one opportunity to take a sincere interest in my life and then, if no joy, cut them loose. I've done that with a few LS ladies who will remain nameless.

 

If you don't have any male friends, look in the mirror. The image seen within is the common denominator.

 

Try this: Pick an interest you enjoy which is co-ed and participate. Approach men you find to be friendly and outgoing and chat them up without regard to their relationship status. Focus on the interest. I did this when I was in our local cycling club for fifteen years. I met all kinds of women that way, some who would become friends. Repetitively revisiting and focusing on the interest builds synergy. I've always enjoyed cooking and often helped out my best female friend at the restaurant her parents owned, whether it was taking out the trash, cooking or washing dishes. She used to go cycling with me even though she wasn't into it as much. We had a great friendship. Her boyfriend didn't mind at all, though they did drift away after getting married. I was friends with her longer than I was married so I consider it a success even though it ended.

 

Approach, be friendly, show interest and focus on interests. No flirting. Good luck

 

Carhill, that's good advice, but it's natural to flirt with the opposite sex. Plus...I would never pursue or be friends with someone who is married. I'm talkin' about making friends right now while I am single, because there is no harm in that. If I get into a serious relationship, though. I would prefer to only talk to that one guy.

[runner]

Well thank you for your input ::sarcasm:: and I really don't think you are qualified to be telling me whether or not I need to see a therapist and frankly, am quite insulted that you would do so.

 

i've noticed that you always seem to get really offended when someone brings up the topic of therapy. it's as if you have this idea that you're perfect just the way you are, and to seek therapy is somehow an admission to being imperfect. sad really.

 

case in point: you have trouble understanding why your crush doesn't like you back.

[Ms. Joolie]

I did not mention therapy as an insult, or to say something is wrong with you, but simply to suggest it as a communication tool.

 

It seems you are really stuck on your guy friendships as you have posted numerous threads on the topic. While internet forums can be helpful, maybe it's time to start seeing what other tools are out there for you to use. Therapy is a popular one, and I was just wondering if you had considered it.

 

I just am really uncomfortable around men.

 

Why?

 

This is exactly what I was referring to. It would be helpful to sit with this and talk about it with a professional, simply to open up and further this discussion for you and maybe discover something helpful for yourself.

 

Personally, I think there is a whole world behind that to confront, a whole attitude there that needs to shift, a whole out with the old and in with the new that needs to happen.

[DreamerGirl27]

Please stop harassing me, everyone. You are not being helpful, you are being intentionally mean. It is rude to suggest a complete stranger on a forum seek professional help unless you are a professional.

[PratyekaYana]

Most guys ignore me. These are guys I know in real life and have known for a long time as well. I will message them on facebook only to get nothing in response. Then I wonder why they even added me in the first place.

 

I have heard a lot of girls say that they always have guy friends and I just don't get it. It is REALLY difficult for me to get guy friends. Women flock to me. Men don't. What is wrong with me? I'm definitely not bi or a lesbian. So why am I giving off this vibe that I only want females to talk to me? I will admit...I am more comfortable around women, because I am a woman, I feel I have more in common with them and I'm more comfortable talking to them about anything. Men, not so much. I feel like there's a constant "sexual tension" between us.

 

Maybe that is why. I view pretty much any guy who is talking to me as if he likes me or vice versa.

 

I dunno. Even though I view every guy that way, I don't like every guy that way. I am just really, really, really, really picky.

 

I don't know how to not be. The thought of sex with any guy that I don't like is excruciating. The thought of holding their hand is excruciating. The thought of hanging out with them in an intimate setting is even excruciating. I just am really uncomfortable around men.

 

Why?

 

If you are constantly beset by this degree of internal conflict, then chances are your behavior around members of the opposite sex only serves to manifest that conflict and make all parties involved uncomfortable. The only lens through which you can view opposite-sex friendships is one of suppressed sexual attraction, and you demonstrate a remarkable aversion to physical intimacy with men. Think about that for a moment. You suspect any potential, male friends around you as wanting something from you that you find repulsive. It's a poisonous cocktail, an unsustainable situation.

 

You're not going to be able to successfully navigate friendships with men unless you can defeat your constant suspicion of their ulterior motives or overcome your sexual anxiety.

[Mr.Raindrop]

Hmmm, I'd imagine its similar to why I have zero female "friends".

 

There will always be some kind of sexual tension between men and women, whether you're just friends or in a higher relationship. I think it just boils down to basic psychological wiring, even though we're not aware of it at the time. When we're conversing with someone of the opposite sex, we just have an unconscious desire to mate with them, if you have any sense of attraction towards them. So when you're around them, you try your best to attract/impress them. I know this isn't always the scenario, but from my experience it mostly has been. Next time you talk to your guy friends, just try to be yourself. Be sure to talk to them in person also, because constantly messaging them on Facebook will just come off as creepy to them.

[DreamerGirl27]

Hmmm, I'd imagine its similar to why I have zero female "friends".

 

There will always be some kind of sexual tension between men and women, whether you're just friends or in a higher relationship. I think it just boils down to basic psychological wiring, even though we're not aware of it at the time. When we're conversing with someone of the opposite sex, we just have an unconscious desire to mate with them, if you have any sense of attraction towards them. So when you're around them, you try your best to attract/impress them. I know this isn't always the scenario, but from my experience it mostly has been. Next time you talk to your guy friends, just try to be yourself. Be sure to talk to them in person also, because constantly messaging them on Facebook will just come off as creepy to them.

 

He constantly messages me on facebook. I rarely message him. I do post on his updates quite frequently, but he's posting them publicly for everyone to see and they usually catch my eye. I was recently in 3 semesters at school with him, same class all 3 semesters, so I was able to see him in person. Now, I'm not going to be able to as much, but he still continually contacts me through facebook. He says he can't call me because he'll only call a girl he's in a relationship with. Yet...we're just friends...and you call your friends...not quite sure about his reasoning with that one. Except he knows I like him and maybe doesn't want to lead me on, but if that's the case, why continually reach out to me through any means?

 

I doubt I am going to be seeing him as much, but he does invite me to hang out occasionally. He's invited me to 5 different things in the year and a half I've known him. Last summer, I didn't see him at all, though... : /

 

I don't have anymore classes with him and maybe this is for the best, because it will help me to get over him, but if he's going to constantly reach out to me, knowing I like him, I don't get it and that just keeps me attached.

 

I'm befuddled on this one.

[Soocraria]

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[Ross MwcFan]

Please stop harassing me, everyone. You are not being helpful, you are being intentionally mean. It is rude to suggest a complete stranger on a forum seek professional help unless you are a professional.

 

They're trying to help, they're not being rude.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Some girls tend to make things uncomfortable for guys, rather than going with the flow. That's why some women have all guy friends, and some women have none.

 

Another thing is that really pretty women usually have trouble having guy friends (unless the guys are gay), because they always want to sleep with her.

[Mr.Raindrop]

He constantly messages me on facebook. I rarely message him. I do post on his updates quite frequently, but he's posting them publicly for everyone to see and they usually catch my eye. I was recently in 3 semesters at school with him, same class all 3 semesters, so I was able to see him in person. Now, I'm not going to be able to as much, but he still continually contacts me through facebook. He says he can't call me because he'll only call a girl he's in a relationship with. Yet...we're just friends...and you call your friends...not quite sure about his reasoning with that one. Except he knows I like him and maybe doesn't want to lead me on, but if that's the case, why continually reach out to me through any means?

 

I doubt I am going to be seeing him as much, but he does invite me to hang out occasionally. He's invited me to 5 different things in the year and a half I've known him. Last summer, I didn't see him at all, though... : /

 

I don't have anymore classes with him and maybe this is for the best, because it will help me to get over him, but if he's going to constantly reach out to me, knowing I like him, I don't get it and that just keeps me attached.

 

I'm befuddled on this one.

 

I have no idea what to tell you then, humans behavior often confuse me.

[washguy74]

Please stop harassing me, everyone. You are not being helpful, you are being intentionally mean. It is rude to suggest a complete stranger on a forum seek professional help unless you are a professional.

 

You are only choosing to see it that way.

 

Imagine if you were on a health site saying your arm might be broken, you could see the bone poking through your skin. Now sure some people might say to take some Vitamin C, Ginkgo, and rub some dirt on it, but if others suggested actually going to a doctor, that's not out of line.

Edited May 18, 2011 by washguy74

[DreamerGirl27]

You are only choosing to see it that way.

 

Imagine if you were on a health site saying your arm might be broken, you could see the bone poking through your skin. Now sure some people might say to take some Vitamin C, Ginkgo, and rub some dirt on it, but if others suggested actually going to a doctor, that's not out of line.

 

Not the same thing.