Am I too proud?

[Aeltri]

I am helping my grandfather organize a party, this includes finding a venue, making a professional cake, coming up with a menu etc. I was not happy when I found out my second cousin Brian and his wife were being invited as well. Fair enough on my grandfather's behalf because they are family and they do keep in touch. We had always gotten along well (or so I thought) until my cousin made a point to invite pretty everyone else to his wedding. To add insult to injury I ran into his then fiancee at a local craft store about 3-4 days before the wedding and when I said 'Hi' she stammered "Um, I...we were um told you work on the weekends." This is true but it does not mean I can't take a day off to go to a wedding . I have done so for friends in the past so a family member would be a non-issue . I thought that maybe she would have a change of heart and send me an invite. NOTHING. It was a slap in the face and I was furious! I've done things for Brian's immediate family without expecting anything but basic courtesy in return and I get pushed aside.

 

Fast forward to my Great Uncle's B-day, I catch Brian's wife clinging (not exaggerating here) to a male 'friend' of hers while my cousin was not there. I gave her a withering stare and she looked very nervous as did her 'friend'. That was enough to make them stand apart, a few minutes later my cousin comes over and out of the blue he gives me a light hug and says to me "I want you to know...that I am so sorry." I could tell he meant it and it was almost like he wanted to say that not inviting me had been his wife's idea. I do suspect she is jealous of me, because a few years back when she was dating him I was said to be the most attractive young woman in our entire family. I've put on a few pounds since then so that's no longer true and furthermore it seems pathetic that she would even contemplate me falling for my cousin or vice-versa! I've been brooding and I am feeling mighty vindictive towards both of them. I am afraid I might say something barbed or downright hurtful if I have the chance during the upcoming party. Something about how classy they are to show up to all of my family gatherings while forgetting to invite me to the most important celebration of all. What should I do?

Edited May 11, 2011 by Aeltri

[gaius]

I don't think you are too proud, it's very insulting to be singled out like that. One thing you don't want to do however is ruin your grandfather's party by starting up a whole bunch of drama. It's such a selfish and unloving thing to make someone else's special event about yourself.

 

I would suggest after this party is over giving your cousin a call and try to get this issue worked out privately. Have you explained to him how much it hurt you to be excluded from their wedding?

[Aeltri]

I don't think you are too proud, it's very insulting to be singled out like that. One thing you don't want to do however is ruin your grandfather's party by starting up a whole bunch of drama. It's such a selfish and unloving thing to make someone else's special event about yourself.

 

I agree that it would be selfish and unloving to get my grandfather involved, but I have no plans to. If I were to say something I would make it a point to wait until they are by themselves. Furthermore I have never been one to start drama even when I am harsh I don't raise my voice or use foul language. They did effectively make me the laughingstock of the entire family. I even noticed that after their little stunt other people started excluding me as well.

 

I would suggest after this party is over giving your cousin a call and try to get this issue worked out privately.

 

Even if my cousin and his wife did not measure the full consequences of their actions I cannot forget or forgive them, at least not yet. I can't just call him and his wife up because I would only humiliate myself further by asking them to please say 'sorry' when I am the victim! That is what they want me to do. If she did not correct her mistake when she saw me days before her wedding then I have no reason to believe she has any intention of doing so now.

 

Have you explained to him how much it hurt you to be excluded from their wedding?

 

It was intentional which is why they need to be slighted by other family members themselves so they can finally understand what it's like to be on the receiving end. I figure even if they leave it's no great loss as their presence is no longer welcome. I doubt they would though, they are pretty cynical...

[gaius]

I agree that it would be selfish and unloving to get my grandfather involved, but I have no plans to. If I were to say something I would make it a point to wait until they are by themselves. Furthermore I have never been one to start drama even when I am harsh I don't raise my voice or use foul language. They did effectively make me the laughingstock of the entire family. I even noticed that after their little stunt other people started excluding me as well.

Even if you don't raise your voice or use foul language, it's still likely to get you and your cousins wife upset, and that means people at the party have to stop focusing on having fun and celebrating your grandfather to tend to the two upset women's needs. You will be sucking life out of the room. In the end it will be your fault also, since you were the initiator. If I was your grandfather I would not want to invite you to any more of my parties after that.

 

Even if my cousin and his wife did not measure the full consequences of their actions I cannot forget or forgive them, at least not yet. I can't just call him and his wife up because I would only humiliate myself further by asking them to please say 'sorry' when I am the victim! That is what they want me to do. If she did not correct her mistake when she saw me days before her wedding then I have no reason to believe she has any intention of doing so now.

 

It was intentional which is why they need to be slighted by other family members themselves so they can finally understand what it's like to be on the receiving end. I figure even if they leave it's no great loss as their presence is no longer welcome. I doubt they would though, they are pretty cynical...

 

Well that's your right not to forgive or forget. If you start dragging the rest of the family into your problem to try and punish your cousin's wife you will lose though. Your grandfather already invited them despite what they did and you being upset, which means you have 0 leverage with him. You mentioned other's are starting not to invite you as well, which makes it seem like you don't have much leverage elsewhere either. The family seems to be picking sides and it's not yours.

 

I don't know what went down between you two, or why she really didn't want you there. I don't know what the relationship between you and the rest of your family is. In my family though I have never seen people not invite someone they really wanted around simply because another family member did. Maybe your cousins wife isn't the only one that has a problem with you? You can either make everything worse by continuing to be spiteful, or try a little charm to find out what the problem is and get it fixed. I know it's hard, I've been left out of things before but it's really the only way to get back in good with everyone.