Had a very interesting conversation, need insight

[somedude81]

I really hate to keep making threads about a girl. I don't want to seem that I only have one goal but I can't get this girl out of my head

 

Yesterday I had a really good conversation with the girl I'm infatuated with and we finally got to talking about us. She's rejected me a couple of times before, but we never really talked about why.

 

Little bit of background in case somebody doesn't know. She's 21, nerdy/geeky, awkward and goofy but really nice and fun to be around.

 

So after a bit of small talk yesterday, we got to the heart of the matter that I want to date her, but she just doesn't want to date at all.

 

For whatever reason, she just isn't interested in dating. We clarified that she's never had a boyfriend and that she's never even liked a guy in that way. She's never gone beyond feeling that a guy may be cute. We were talking about why I like her so much and she thinks it's because she's more masculine than most girls, so I can relate to her better. That makes sense and there's also the fact that she's pretty, which I regret not saying to her. I mentioned how we have a lot of common interests, but then she brought up that the stuff that I invite her to, like going salsa dancing or just working on in the gym are things she doesn't like to do.

 

I don't really mind that she doesn't like doing physical stuff and I'd be happy doing what she wants to do. I know she likes art, aquariums, anime/video games, so there are lots of places we could go.

 

She knows I like her and is fine with spending some time with me. She mentioned that she likes having lunch with me but she doesn't want to really go anywhere off-campus till she "knows me better." Which I think is odd because she's already been to my apartment a couple of times.

 

Doesn't that also imply that she would be open to going to places (dates?) with me when she feels more comfortable? We've had two semesters of class together and she spent quite a bit of time with me after class last semester. I'm not exactly a stranger to her. Heck I've already been to her house and met her Mom and brother. So what does she mean by knowing me better?

 

But then she reiterated that she doesn't want to date anybody. Then she said how she's been fine with being single and I said that she doesn't really know about relationships since she's never been in one. She said that her friends have dated so she's kind of known by proxy but she really hasn't had any desire to see for herself. I then asked if she was curious. She looked at me, smiled, her eyes changed and she said,

 

"Curious about what?"

"Well that too" I said with a smile.

"No, not really."

 

I think that was a flat out lie. Though it's easy to understand why she would lie about not being curious about sex.

 

Towards the end of the conversation she said something like; "I don't know why you keep trying, I'm not worth it." I asked her if she has confidence in herself, and after a pause she said she has enough. She then added that she doesn't want me to be "lamenting" over her.

 

She did mention that she prefers that I stop chasing her, but she's not going to hate me because I like her.

 

I would love some insight because there are some things she said that really stuck out and I get the feeling that she's not being fully honest with me or herself.

Edited May 12, 2011 by somedude81

[Star Gazer]

She's gay. When you asked about being curious, she thought you meant bi-curious.

[somedude81]

She's gay. When you asked about being curious, she thought you meant bi-curious.

Heh, a while ago I insinuated that I thought she was gay, she got upset and denied it.

 

Also her dorm-mate who lives in the room right next to her is a lesbian (fem). She's a mutual friend and she strongly believes that this girl is not gay. They talked about dating a couple of times and the girl I like thinks that she may be asexual. The lesbian girl would like to see us hook up and she's been trying to push the other girl.

Edited May 12, 2011 by somedude81

[runner]

sounds like she's open to the possibility of more with you, but isn't quite sure what to do about it. here's your chance to take the lead and show her what she's missing. just do fun stuff with her without being overly romantic/sexual; get her comfortable enough to the point where she doesn't mind you touching her.

[Dust]

You talk to much. You’ve had her over to your place and were a lone with her and you didn’t make any moves! Just kiss her already. Enough of this “I like you, do you like me?” BS

 

Yes, you should have told her she was pretty. In fact you should have said something sexual like “I find it hard to control myself around you, because you’re beautiful.” (you know you’re thinking something a long those lines just be honest) But most importantly make a move! (talk is cheap)

 

The “are we dating, what are we, are you my girlfriend and I your boyfriend” talk doesn’t have to come right away. Enjoy her, and she just might enjoy you back. Take her off the pedestal and look at her as an equal. Girls want and equal not some henchmen.

 

You have a chance with this girl, take it!

[Els]

 

She did mention that she prefers that I stop chasing her, but she's not going to hate me because I like her.

 

My first instinct was to say 'stop, she's not interested' when I saw that.

 

But then I read:

 

 

Towards the end of the conversation she said something like; "I don't know why you keep trying, I'm not worth it." I asked her if she has confidence in herself, and after a pause she said she has enough. She then added that she doesn't want me to be "lamenting" over her.

 

We were talking about why I like her so much and she thinks it's because she's more masculine than most girls, so I can relate to her better.

And I realized, she sounds like me when I was 17. I don't think she's gotten much male affection/interest before, and thus she's formed not-necessarily-true ideas in her head about relationships based on her observation of her friends'. And that might have made her tell herself: I'd rather be single than have THAT. Inexperience and lack of male appreciation could possibly have also led to her underestimating her worth as a female and a girlfriend, hence the bolded comment, although that may not necessarily extend to other aspects of her confidence.

 

Of course, this is all purely hypothetical. SG might be right about her being lesbian also, who knows.

 

I agree with Dust that if you really like her, it doesn't hurt to try further. You may have missed a chance to tell her you thought she was pretty, but there'll be others in the future. I would also say: Less deep conversations about relationships and just have fun together... but I've also done the big R talks with the guys I've been with prior to getting involved - there's just something about me that's wired that way. So I can't really reprimand you for that. Who knows, it might work with certain girls.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 12, 2011 by Elswyth

[Enchanted Girl]

Why are you trying to date a woman who's completely unemotionally available to you? I think you need to step back and analyze yourself. There's lots of pretty, nerdy girls out there who would actually be willing to date you. Why focus so much on this one? I think you're the one with the issue rather than her.

 

I am a nerdy girl as well. All of growing up, actually, I was picked on constantly by men and told I was ugly and developed all kinds of complexes with them because I was rejected over and over again even when I tried to pursue them. So I don't think its a past insecurity thing because when men started noticing me at the age of nineteen, I didn't act at all like she's acting with you.

 

And I agree that she's asexual. It's actually a real sexual orientation. I know it's confusing to the rest of us who need a romantic/sexual relationship to be happy, but she DOESN'T need one or even want one. I've actually known girls like her and they HATE being pursued. They even come right out and tell men, like she's coming out and telling you, that they aren't at all interested in relationships and they are ignored. She still wants to be friends with you though, so that's where your confusion lies. Everything she said to you sounds like her subtle ways of trying to push you away without being mean about it (so she can still be your friend), but you're not getting it. She DOES know you well enough to see you outside of class and off-campus, but by saying that she doesn't, she can put off saying no to you again for awhile while still remaining your friend.

[somedude81]

How interesting, there are two different impressions of what is going on. Elswyth and Enchanted Girl, both your sides make sense. I'll also point out that she was quite heavy up until a few years ago. There could be a chance that I'm the first guy whose shown any interest in her.

 

So from reading the other posts I think it's worth it to keep being her friend but lightly back off on the pressuring stuff. Just focus on having fun with her. She knows I want to date her, and this could give me a chance to show her why. I'm not going to be expecting anything from her, but if she falls for me somewhere down the line, then she does.

[Els]

Hehe, to be fair, EG could be right as well. It's really difficult to tell. Regardless, I think you've a great attitude regarding this one, and I agree with your decision.

[Dust]

Also to be fair guys who talk about “relationships” instead of just doing something are often hopeless. Less talk more action.

[fishtaco]

Heh, a while ago I insinuated that I thought she was gay, she got upset and denied it.

 

As would anyone that's in the closet.

 

In any case, that's a lot of work for one woman. I can tell you, whatever her real reason is for being this way, she's not worth this much effort.

 

Just be her friend and go hit on someone else.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I think she just wants to be friends. She's either asexual, gay, or doesn't like you in that way.

[nyc_guy2003]

Is she Asian by any chance? Not trying to stereotype, but I know three girls who sound similar to yours, all of whom are Asian. They all have long-term boyfriends, but their definition of "boyfriend" is a male friend they hang out with on a moderately frequent basis and is present for family and holiday functions, but is also someone they have never had sex with or even slept in the same bed with before. All of these women have been "dating" the same guys for 10+ years.

[Jazzari]

I think she just wants to be friends. She's either asexual, gay, or doesn't like you in that way.

I thought that might be a possibility.

[chuckles11]

It doesn't matter why she feels the way she does, and these attempts to psychoanalyze her are pointless. What should be important to you is that she said that she's not interested in dating you. So many guys waste their time trying to convince women that aren't interested that they should be interested, or assuming that women who say they are not interested aren't being honest. The chances that she is going to turn around one day and decide that she wants to date you are infinitesimal.

 

It's great that you still want to hang out with her as friends, but do not fall into the trap of hanging out with her because you think you'll be able to convince her to want to date you.

[Dust]

I’m going to be the voice of reason here and say that if you think there’s a chance, then take it. That means action. Not getting all in your head and having relationship conversations.

 

What people said on here should have never happened because this entire post is an exercise in over analyzing. You were there, you felt something, go for it.

[somedude81]

Nope, she's white. But has a big interest in Japanese culture.

 

I do believe there may be a chance down the line. I'm not going to rush into it or I'll freak her out.

 

Right now is a crucial period because the semester is ending. I have no idea if she'll want to hang out with me over the summer since we only really saw each other at school. If she says no, then I will give up and never talk to her again.

 

But if we do end up hanging out, then I have no idea how things will turn out.

[Dust]

Nope, she's white. But has a big interest in Japanese culture.

 

I do believe there may be a chance down the line. I'm not going to rush into it or I'll freak her out.

 

Right now is a crucial period because the semester is ending. I have no idea if she'll want to hang out with me over the summer since we only really saw each other at school. If she says no, then I will give up and never talk to her again.

 

But if we do end up hanging out, then I have no idea how things will turn out.

 

All you can do is try. Also don't get all focused on her, try with others too. If things start working out then of course focus on her. (right now you have nothing)

[Lilmisus]

Your friend sounds incredibly like a girl friend of mine that I went to high school with. Except, she was very attractive and many guys wanted to date her, and she knew it. She worked at a game store and would joke about how guys would go crazy because "a pretty girl (with huge boobs) worked at a game store, liked anime, and would talk to them" and they would ask if she was the girl of their dreams.

 

The thing is, she said that she never had any feelings for any of those guys. If anyone would ask, she would just say that she never had feelings for anyone and wasn't interested in dating. It wasn't until her current girlfriend came into the picture that she realize that it was because she was indeed a lesbian. She just never felt attracted to anyone before her girlfriend..but she still refuses to put a label on herself and call herself gay.

 

Maybe that's what's up with your friend. Maybe she's a lesbian, and she hasn't realized it yet because she has yet to feel attracted to anyone yet. Or maybe she just has yet to meet a guy she's attracted to. Either way, it doesn't seem like you should waste your time pursuing someone who is not sexually attracted to you and who has already stated that they don't have feelings for you. If she ends up developing feelings for you, that's great! But don't anticipate it to happen.

[OliveOyl]

I get a pretty strong gay vibe from the conversation you've described.

 

I'd place my bets on gay.

[somedude81]

Hmm, gay is starting to take the lead. It would explain a lot of things.

[Dust]

Hmm, gay is starting to take the lead. It would explain a lot of things.

 

It would only explain this one particular girl. You need to look at the big picture. Try for once in your life, try.

 

Don’t assume she is gay because she turned you down and doesn’t have a boyfriend. That is just rude. (even if it does end up being true)

[somedude81]

Oh, I don't want her to be gay and I will try.

 

My lesbian friend who lives next door to her, strongly believes that this girl isn't gay. She said that the girl is just awkward and doesn't even show any signs of feigning interest in women

 

I do trust her judgement more than people online who don't know her, no offense anonymous people. I still value all input.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

asked her if she had any crushes in high school or anything like that. that will tell you if she's leaning towards being asexual or gay.

 

i have a friend almost like that, she's a late bloomer. we could not understand that she did not have any interest in guys and she cannot even name one crush, even a celebrity lol. then some guy asked her out and it all changed everything. she may be on the process of discovering herself. i think you will be the agent for that task but it sounds like too much work with her.

[guy777]

Is she Asian by any chance? Not trying to stereotype, but I know three girls who sound similar to yours, all of whom are Asian. They all have long-term boyfriends, but their definition of "boyfriend" is a male friend they hang out with on a moderately frequent basis and is present for family and holiday functions, but is also someone they have never had sex with or even slept in the same bed with before. All of these women have been "dating" the same guys for 10+ years.

 

LMAO . .. .haven't really run into this but somehow I think it's true enough to find it really humorous.