Had a very interesting conversation, need insight

[Dust]

Boyfriend substitute? I don't think so. She actually has a close guy friend that she went to high school with. He's part of her group of friends. I met him last year when he chaperoned our "date."

 

I'm wondering what my role is. I'm a guy who likes her, who is not part of her social circle. She knows I want to date her. So why keep me around?

 

Dust's method is too hardcore for me. Isn't there some sort of middle ground?

 

What I am doing with I'm with her is ramping up the flirting.

 

Also it just feels good being with her. When we were walking around the mall I ran into a guy that I'm kinda of friends with and he was with his girlfriend who I also know. It was just really cool for both of us to be there with "our" girls. Being with her makes me feel like I'm a real person.

 

I think you just need to enjoy this. Also you need to be willing to push for the things you truly want even if that means losing her.

 

Also for the love of god go after other girls.

 

Keep on enjoying this though. It sounds fun. You two are dating. Its just going way to slow. Remember talking about feelings and if she likes you is the wrong thing to do. Making moves is the right thing. Hugs are lame, go for the kiss. Keep on being touchy with her.

 

Enjoy this. Don’t make it about whether it works out or not. Just enjoy it like you said. Being out with her, being around her.

 

Just please make moves. And don’t limit yourself, go after other girls as well as her. When you start kissing and things become more serious then focus on one girl.

[somedude81]

I had a real enlightening email exchange with a friend about her. His girlfriend seems to be pretty similar to the girl I'm into.

 

Here's what he told me.

 

------------

In general, though, I know her type. Generally speaking, girls like her (from what you're describing) are very introspective and tend to really put a lot of faith into "finding the right guy." They can also be hung-up on their own feelings a lot because not having any experience with deeper emotions.

 

I recommend not worrying too much about what she's thinking, however, and just focus on going out with her and having a good time. If you have a good time, she'll have a good time, and she'll start to really enjoy being with you. Don't push the "dating" thing, but don't be lax on it either.

----------------

 

I sent him a message and he replied with,

 

 

--------

I would say don't force the issue on her. Don't pressure her into thinking she has to be "your girl". Just have a good time with her and let her relax and open up on her own.

 

What I mean about not being lax is don't ever give her the impression that you lack interest in her. You like her: never shy away from that; you'll look weak or uninterested if you do. But don't be too strong about it or put too much on her. Being too forceful can scare her.

 

It's a difficult zone to find, but once you figure out the middle zone, you'll feel a lot more comfortable.

------------------

 

 

That makes a lot of sense to me. It's kind of what Dust is saying, but not to be too forceful with her. This isn't a sprint.

 

So I need to never let her forget that I like her, without using too much pressure. And just focus on having a good time

[fishtaco]

I had a real enlightening email exchange with a friend about her. His girlfriend seems to be pretty similar to the girl I'm into.

 

Here's what he told me.

 

------------

In general, though, I know her type. Generally speaking, girls like her (from what you're describing) are very introspective and tend to really put a lot of faith into "finding the right guy." They can also be hung-up on their own feelings a lot because not having any experience with deeper emotions.

 

I recommend not worrying too much about what she's thinking, however, and just focus on going out with her and having a good time. If you have a good time, she'll have a good time, and she'll start to really enjoy being with you. Don't push the "dating" thing, but don't be lax on it either.

----------------

 

I sent him a message and he replied with,

 

 

--------

I would say don't force the issue on her. Don't pressure her into thinking she has to be "your girl". Just have a good time with her and let her relax and open up on her own.

 

What I mean about not being lax is don't ever give her the impression that you lack interest in her. You like her: never shy away from that; you'll look weak or uninterested if you do. But don't be too strong about it or put too much on her. Being too forceful can scare her.

 

It's a difficult zone to find, but once you figure out the middle zone, you'll feel a lot more comfortable.

------------------

 

 

That makes a lot of sense to me. It's kind of what Dust is saying, but not to be too forceful with her. This isn't a sprint.

 

So I need to never let her forget that I like her, without using too much pressure. And just focus on having a good time

 

Geez that's a lot of work. She looks like a super model or something?

 

Although good job getting inside information. You should always do that when possible.

[welikeincrowds]

Geez that's a lot of work. She looks like a super model or something?

 

Good point.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with it but it may not be the best for somedude, who is susceptible to the pedestal.

 

I don't know. No harm, no foul. If you're having fun and not frustrated, somedude, and you're being true to your desires and not feeling like you're compromising yourself out of fear or feelings of inadequacy or whatever, then good on you, no?

[somedude81]

Geez that's a lot of work. She looks like a super model or something?

 

Although good job getting inside information. You should always do that when possible.

Heh, actually. I think she is very pretty, especially since she never wears makeup. With a little bit on she'd look amazing. She has long brown wavy hair. 5'8 and weight proportionate, I think she said ~140 last time I asked. She seems to be a large C or maybe a D. The only issue is that her sense of style can use some help.

 

Physically she's just about everything I want. I'd prefer that she was 5'6 or under but it's not a deal breaker for me. Her personality covers the rest. We just get a long really well and have a lot of fun together. If only she can get over her issues and we can start dating for real. I've done the pretend thing for too long.

 

Getting the inside info really gave me some encouragement. That's from the guy I ran into in the mall yesterday. Seeing him with his girlfriend was what inspired me to seek help.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with it but it may not be the best for somedude, who is susceptible to the pedestal.

 

I don't know. No harm, no foul. If you're having fun and not frustrated, somedude, and you're being true to your desires and not feeling like you're compromising yourself out of fear or feelings of inadequacy or whatever, then good on you, no?

Eh, I'm having fun and am extremely frustrated as well. It actually feels like I'm being teased by fate. I've desperately wanted a girlfriend for most of my life now. And now I found somebody who fits just about everything I want for that role. But for now she's off-limits. It's infuriating.

[heartshaped]

I like you somedude, but your problem is your best quality is also your greatest fault. You're too nice and I've noticed you have a tendency to sort of become hung up on one girl and then you put too much emphasis and effort into trying to make things work with her. This is detrimental to you for a number of reasons. You aren't the type of guy that can brush off rejection easily and that is where this is always going.

 

I don't see the problem remaining friends with this girl except I think in the long run this is only going to be a setback for you. You should be asking out other girls, not focusing attention and energy on one that has rejected you multiple times.

[somedude81]

I like you somedude, but your problem is your best quality is also your greatest fault. You're too nice and I've noticed you have a tendency to sort of become hung up on one girl and then you put too much emphasis and effort into trying to make things work with her. This is detrimental to you for a number of reasons. You aren't the type of guy that can brush off rejection easily and that is where this is always going.

Yeah too nice. I've been called that before. Though I don't think it applies with this girl.

 

Getting hung up on one girl is something I've had a huge problem with since I first started liking girls at 13. Though I really didn't try to start making things work with the girls I liked till I was 22. Up until that time I was just super shy and barely even talked to the girls I crushed on.

 

Rejection is a funny thing for me. I don't like it, but it's happened so many times, that I basically expect it now. I get surprised when a girl actually agrees to do something with me.

 

Whether I can brush off rejection or not depends on how strongly I like the girl. A couple of weeks ago I was rejected by a girl I was interested in. The rejection meant nothing to me and I just laughed about it. I also expected the rejection and asking her out was just something I wanted to get over with.

 

The girl I wrote this thread about has rejected me several times already. The most recent one actually didn't mean that much to me at all. And I was joking with her about it.

 

The thing is, that her actions give me hope. But they also take it away as well. Spending yesterday with her felt like two steps forward. But being denied a hug was one step back. But the day was still, one step forward.

 

I need this hope to keep on living. If I ever get to the point where I feel that I have no hope and that I'm going to be alone forever. I just pray things never get to that point.

 

I don't see the problem remaining friends with this girl except I think in the long run this is only going to be a setback for you. You should be asking out other girls, not focusing attention and energy on one that has rejected you multiple times.

Counting her, I was rejected by five girls I was interesed in these past few months. A couple of those rejections hurt because I felt that I was being led on and a couple I was completely indifferent about. And then the thread muse; I was interested in several girls, and only liked one.

 

When school starts next semester, I'll ask out and get rejected by more girls. It's just that I'm getting tired of meeting girls, getting to know them and then ultimately getting rejected by them. That's all I've ever known and I can't keep doing it for too much longer.

[heartshaped]

Let me ask you something, are you asking these girls out straightaway as in the first five or ten minutes of meeting them or are you trying to get to know them then asking them out? I ask because I think you are doing the latter and with how nice you are that's only going to work against you. See the problem with being so nice is women tend to think of you as a friend without seeing you as a potential partner. I think you'd have much more success if you could stop them from seeing you in that light and make them consider you from the start as a potential boyfriend.

 

I also wonder if something is off with your technique. As nice as you are, you face a lot of rejection and something about that doesn't add up for me. Unless you are reaching totally out of your league, which you've assured several times you aren't, then I don't understand why all these women are rejecting you unless it's the niceness thing which really wouldn't even be apparent unless you are getting to know these women a bit first.

[Dust]

Let me ask you something, are you asking these girls out straightaway as in the first five or ten minutes of meeting them or are you trying to get to know them then asking them out? I ask because I think you are doing the latter and with how nice you are that's only going to work against you. See the problem with being so nice is women tend to think of you as a friend without seeing you as a potential partner. I think you'd have much more success if you could stop them from seeing you in that light and make them consider you from the start as a potential boyfriend.

 

I also wonder if something is off with your technique. As nice as you are, you face a lot of rejection and something about that doesn't add up for me. Unless you are reaching totally out of your league, which you've assured several times you aren't, then I don't understand why all these women are rejecting you unless it's the niceness thing which really wouldn't even be apparent unless you are getting to know these women a bit first.

 

I’d really be surprised if he asked out one girl all year. (not counting this girl who he has never kissed and lusted after over a year.)

 

In fact I’d be my life he hasn’t asked out two girls all year. (again not counting this girl he has as his sole focus)

 

He talks about being rejected so many times its all he has come to expect. The reality is when I’m single I ask out so many girls I lose track. I’ve probably been rejected by many upon many more girls then he has. Bare in mind I haven’t even been single most of my adult life. I mean right now I’m in a relationship that has been going years. Yet I still guarantee I have asked out way more girls in my bouts of being single as compared with his life of not having serious relationships.

 

Bottom line he is afraid to be himself. He doesn’t try for the things in life he wants. (specifically girls)

 

He should continue to enjoy his relationship with this girl regardless of if it works out. The thing is he should push for the things he wants. He should go in for a kiss when they are alone even if that means he might lose her.

 

He also really needs to go after other girls.

[somedude81]

I believe the number one reason why I'm being rejected is because I'm not physically attractive to women. I'm white, only 5'6, slightly above average looks, with an average body (not fat, skinny or muscular)

 

I don't have any technique at all. I'm not smooth or charismatic at all. I just try to be nice and sometimes funny. I don't know how to "talk" to girls.

 

The girls that rejected me ranged people that I've known for almost a year to people that I've only known for a few weeks and didn't speak to all that much. I was trying different tactics, hoping that one would work.

 

Out of my league? I don't know. All the girls were cute to me, but they weren't super good looking. I could be thinking that some girls are in my league when they actually aren't.

 

So right away, girls mentally turn me down because they aren't attracted to me. That's one of the reasons why I don't bother asking out girls that I just met. Also, I really have no interest in asking out strangers. I'd prefer to talk to somebody a couple of times before. If I can't think of a reason why I want to date her, why would I ask her out? Just because she's hot is not good enough.

 

One thing I've often wondered about, is how long it takes for a girl to decide that I will only be her friend and nothing more. And is that thought ironclad never changing?

 

How can I get a girl to consider me as a potential boyfriend?

 

I’d really be surprised if he asked out one girl all year. (not counting this girl who he has never kissed and lusted after over a year.)

 

In fact I’d be my life he hasn’t asked out two girls all year.

Uh, my last post covered that. I've been rejected by four other girls in the past couple of months. These were girls that I kinda liked and had talked to at least a couple of times.

 

In all I've been rejected by about 20 girls. These were not random girls that I decided to one day walk up to and ask out. I could get 50 of those in one day.

 

I'm not going to push things too hard with this girl. I'm going to stick with the advice my friend gave me. If me and her just stay as friends, then it was never meant to be. If we end up dating, great.

[heartshaped]

Dust, I agree with you for the most part. I do think asking more girls out would help his chances of actually getting a girl, but it's not his style which isn't a bad or good thing. People have to work with what they've got. If he was someone like you I'd advocate for him to kiss this girl as well, but he doesn't really have any experience. Even if a woman likes you, a bad kiss can throw cold water on that.

 

I believe the number one reason why I'm being rejected is because I'm not physically attractive to women. I'm white, only 5'6, slightly above average looks, with an average body (not fat, skinny or muscular)

 

See it's not a general thing. Different women are attracted to different men. There is some overlap, but if you polled even just every woman on the same street you couldn't get them to all agree that one man was unattractive or attractive.

 

I don't have any technique at all. I'm not smooth or charismatic at all. I just try to be nice and sometimes funny. I don't know how to "talk" to girls.

 

I don't mean to be mean, but I can tell you aren't smooth or charismatic just from reading your posts. Luckily, you don't need to be either to get women. If you are nice and funny, then you should play up those qualities not worry about the qualities you don't have.

 

Out of my league? I don't know. All the girls were cute to me, but they weren't super good looking. I could be thinking that some girls are in my league when they actually aren't.

 

A good friend of mine is only a few years younger than you and up until recently never had a boyfriend. The men she went after were considerably more attractive than she was. Of course, she didn't think so, but I'm thinking I was a bit spot on with that because even though she's a nice, funny girl she was getting turned down by these men left and right. Finally, she just started dating a guy that went after her that she didn't really have interest in. Things with that guy are going great now.

 

Have you tried getting to know and maybe asking out a girl that you don't find necessarily that attractive?

 

So right away, girls mentally turn me down because they aren't attracted to me. That's one of the reasons why I don't bother asking out girls that I just met. Also, I really have no interest in asking out strangers. I'd prefer to talk to somebody a couple of times before. If I can't think of a reason why I want to date her, why would I ask her out? Just because she's hot is not good enough.

 

That's were most men have an advantage over you though. They do ask women out straight away and if you don't a woman sometimes thinks you have no interest in her and will put her interest else where. Don't be hard on yourself either. Not everyone is skilled at this sort of thing. I do think it'd help you out tremendously asking out random girls, but if you don't want to go that route I would suggest trying the online dating thing. It will help you avoid the friend zone because off the bat these women will know you are looking to date them.

 

One thing I've often wondered about, is how long it takes for a girl to decide that I will only be her friend and nothing more. And is that thought ironclad never changing?How can I get a girl to consider me as a potential boyfriend?

 

In my experience, it's pretty sudden. It doesn't take us weeks upon weeks to decide that we only want to be friends with you. Some make up their mind about this even after only really talking to you once. I don't think the thought is ironclad never changing, but I do think it's very hard to get out of the friend zone especially the longer you've been in it.

 

The last question is really simple: always, always make clear your interest in her. Tell her she's beautiful, ask her if she's dating anyone, flirt with her, and find any reason necessary to touch her.

[Els]

...Errrr NO, if a girl stiff-arms you away when you try to hug her the next move is NOT to try kissing her on the lips. Seriously.

 

OP, I think you're going to have to either buckle yourself in for a long, slow, possibly fruitless ride, or give up and try and forget about her. If you feel the former is truly worth it for this girl, all the best to you. It has worked in the past, but it very well may not either, and if you consider it a waste of time if you don't get her in the end, no point trying. Best to try and move on.

[vsmini]

Somewhat low self esteem and she sounds emotionally unavailable. You're going to be chasing her for a long time.

[somedude81]

Thanks for the tips heartshaped

...Errrr NO, if a girl stiff-arms you away when you try to hug her the next move is NOT to try kissing her on the lips. Seriously.

That's just his MO, he's always been about, "Just kiss her!" I just ignore that part of his posts and read everything else.

OP, I think you're going to have to either buckle yourself in for a long, slow, possibly fruitless ride, or give up and try and forget about her. If you feel the former is truly worth it for this girl, all the best to you. It has worked in the past, but it very well may not either, and if you consider it a waste of time if you don't get her in the end, no point trying. Best to try and move on.

Yeah it is going to be a long and slow ride. But it's a new experience, maybe even an experiment.

 

I'm going to keep trying with her until she refuses to hang out with me or completely ignores me. I might also end up dating somebody else before that happens.

 

The summer just started and it has a lot of potential. Or maybe I won't hang out with her again, who knows? I'll just keep trying. Giving up on her, going cold turkey of my own decision is impossible.

Somewhat low self esteem and she sounds emotionally unavailable. You're going to be chasing her for a long time.

But if I do get her, it will be worth it.

 

She does have low self-esteem? Is there any way I can boost it and help her to like me in the process?

 

What does she want to hear? Should I start giving her compliments?

[Dust]

Thanks for the tips heartshaped

 

That's just his MO, he's always been about, "Just kiss her!" I just ignore that part of his posts and read everything else.

 

Yeah it is going to be a long and slow ride. But it's a new experience, maybe even an experiment.

 

I'm going to keep trying with her until she refuses to hang out with me or completely ignores me. I might also end up dating somebody else before that happens.

 

The summer just started and it has a lot of potential. Or maybe I won't hang out with her again, who knows? I'll just keep trying. Giving up on her, going cold turkey of my own decision is impossible.

 

But if I do get her, it will be worth it.

 

She does have low self-esteem? Is there any way I can boost it and help her to like me in the process?

 

What does she want to hear? Should I start giving her compliments?

 

You know you should try to kiss her. You know want to. If you were to be yourself with out fear of consequences I know you’d try.

 

You should keep trying with her. Enjoy what you to have and keep pushing the boundaries. When you run out of things to talk about just start rubbing her arms and kiss her for god sakes. Hours go by real quick when you are making out. (truth) They go by even faster when you spend the day naked in bed together. I some times enjoy cuddling naked just as much as the sex. (almost as much)

 

Like I said just enjoy what you have. Don’t stress about losing her, or it working out. Just enjoy it cause I know you do. You want more though so keep trying with her, and try with other women. Trying with other women has a good chance of working out. Also it may help you out with your woman. I wouldn’t really tell her you are trying with other women. Don’t be deceptive about it though. If you find another girl you like which should be easy, and you go on a date… for the love of mike kiss her before the night is through. None of this waiting over a year sht.

 

You should give her compliments. “You’re great” “You’re cute” “I love your laugh” “When I’m around you I feel great” “You’re so pretty.”

 

You can’t really change her self esteem though. The best thing you can do is be confident yourself.

[fishtaco]

This is how I see it.

 

Dust's method will NOT work for somedude81. I agree 100% with heartshaped. You have to know what you're doing to make that work. If somedude81 tries this method, he will fail.

 

But after he fails, somedude81 will learn form this experience. This is the jump-in-the-fire method.

 

So I'm neutral toward whether he should do this or not. Especially since this is not my style either. After getting a no and stiff armed, I personally would not use "forcing/sneaking in a kiss" as my way back in. But social experimenting, i.e. doing things that you would normally not do, does yield useful information.

 

The big problem here is somedude81 is stuck in his own little box, and he's afraid to venture out. Well, somedude81, if you stay in that little box, then things will not improve. So it's your choice.

 

The advice you got from most people, is to forget this girl and hit on others. I personally vote for this too. But it's your call. If you're happy in your little box, then stay there. If you're not happy, then step outside.

[somedude81]

I'm confused whose method is what?

 

Dust's method is to try and kiss her ASAP right? That's obviously not going to work at this point. I would just end up with a very mad girl. What is heartshaped's method?

 

What do you mean by social experimenting? I also don't fully get the box thing.

 

As I said before, I just can't forget about this girl. If it wasn't obvious, I'm completely obsessed with her. I've desperately wanted a girlfriend for a very long time, so it's hard to walk away from an "opportunity" no matter how bleak it looks. I also really like her as a person. So with those things combined, I can only move on, if she makes me. Or if I somehow end up with another girl.

 

Honestly I don't see myself meeting any other prospects until school starts in the fall. That's unless I actually get a job and meet some girls there. Even then I will most likely end up with another handful of rejections.

 

The stiff arm was a total surprise. That was the first time a girl has ever done that. I've hugged girls after they rejected me. So I'm wondering why she did that. I've also hugged her back when we had a our date (which turned out poorly) last year. Right when I saw her and when I said goodbye. And she didn't say anything at all or show any discomfort. It wasn't until a few months ago that I had lunch with her and a friend that she became against hugs. Ugh, what a weirdo. Though I'm not much better.

Edited June 2, 2011 by somedude81

[Els]

I'm confused whose method is what?

 

Dust's method is to try and kiss her ASAP right? That's obviously not going to work at this point. I would just end up with a very mad girl.

 

Oh, it may work with some girls indeed, although probably not this one. Which is a good thing. It is the girls like Dust's gf that give the rest of us who say 'no' and mean it a bad name. Could be partly why some guys think it's okay to force themselves sexually onto a date even though she'd just pushed their groping hands off her breasts. That's just taking it one step further, after all.

 

As I said before, I just can't forget about this girl. If it wasn't obvious, I'm completely obsessed with her. I've desperately wanted a girlfriend for a very long time, so it's hard to walk away from an "opportunity" no matter how bleak it looks. I also really like her as a person. So with those things combined, I can only move on, if she makes me. Or if I somehow end up with another girl.

 

Well, I guess it doesn't really hurt you to keep going after her as long as this obsession isn't hurting other areas of your life. Popular belief is that time is 'a waste' if it is not spent either in a relationship, or at least getting laid lots or chasing plenty of potential relationships at one time so as to 'maximise gain'. I disagree. If you go after someone for a year and fail, you learn a lot about yourself and life in the process.

 

I would say honestly that your chances seem to be rather low with this one though.

[fishtaco]

What do you mean by social experimenting? I also don't fully get the box thing.

 

Social experimenting is to do things you normally wouldn't do, just to see what happens.

 

Like forcing a kiss on this girl. Kissing another girl in front of her. Be mad at her. Be mean to her. Whatever. Something that you normally wouldn't do, just to see how she would react. That's called social experimenting. You get very useful information. But of course there is a smarter way of experimenting, like for example, I would not recommend being mean to her. But if you do anyway, well, that's still new social experience, and that's always a plus.

 

You are in your little box because you are afraid to do anything BUT obsess about this girl. That's the box you've closed yourself in. If you are happy in there, good for you. You are given advice but you don't want to take any of them. You just want to go... oh why doesn't she like me.

 

One of the most important thing in dating, as a man, is to be able to handle rejection with grace and dignity. The average guy is rejected 80 - 90% of the time. It's a skill that will be useful 80% - 90% of the time. You are not there, which is fine, we all have to start somewhere. But you don't even want to try be there. Hence I say you are stuck in your own little box. There's a whole wide world out there, but you don't care. You just want to look at your girl and wonder why she doesn't like you.

 

But, hey, whatever floats your boat.

[somedude81]

Dude, I've been rejected by 100% of the women I've been interested in. The only girl I ever kissed came on to me. I had no interest in her at all. Then she quickly got over her little crush and moved on.

 

I can handle rejection with grace and dignity. If I didn't, do you still think this girl would want to spend time with me? Before her, I thanked the last girl who rejected me for being honest and straightforward. Instead of playing games, making me work to get an answer out of her. I don't get mad when I feel that I never had a chance.

 

What I don't take well is a girl leading me on and then rejecting me. I've made a couple of threads about that. Where I really thought I had a chance with a girl then to find out that she had a boyfriend, or she canceled plans the day we were supposed to have a date.

 

Now I got what you mean by social experimenting. Yeah I'm going to try new things with her. I don't think I'll try being mean to her unless I have a very good reason, but why not start giving her compliments and letting her know why I like her. Also I'll slightly push the boundaries till I find out where her walls are. Her walls are also moving. A few months ago she refused to see me off campus. Things are slowly changing with her.

Oh, it may work with some girls indeed, although probably not this one. Which is a good thing. It is the girls like Dust's gf that give the rest of us who say 'no' and mean it a bad name. Could be partly why some guys think it's okay to force themselves sexually onto a date even though she'd just pushed their groping hands off her breasts. That's just taking it one step further, after all.

Yeah, I've never understood that. I wonder if I may have too much respect for women though as I never try anything.

 

Well, I guess it doesn't really hurt you to keep going after her as long as this obsession isn't hurting other areas of your life. Popular belief is that time is 'a waste' if it is not spent either in a relationship, or at least getting laid lots or chasing plenty of potential relationships at one time so as to 'maximise gain'. I disagree. If you go after someone for a year and fail, you learn a lot about yourself and life in the process.

 

I would say honestly that your chances seem to be rather low with this one though.

Nah, my obsession is hurting anything. I'm still able to function and I didn't do too badly in school this year either. Since it is summer now, I don't have much else to do anyways.

 

As for low chances. I'm actually used to no chance, so this is an improvement. A 5% chance is a hell of a lot better than a 0% chance.

[fishtaco]

Dude, I've been rejected by 100% of the women I've been interested in.

 

100% so far. The future can change, if you learn how to date the percentage will swing in your favor. But you have to want to learn how to date.

 

I can handle rejection with grace and dignity. If I didn't, do you still think this girl would want to spend time with me?

 

That means you handled it grace, and I say excellent job for that part. You lack dignity. Sticking around like a puppy dog hoping she'll change her mind is not dignity.

 

Do you want to improve your chances? Do you want to get better at dating? Then not only do you have to do social experimentation, you HAVE to do social experimentation with more than one woman, because every woman is different. You experiment with her, the best you can do is know how to deal with her. Well there are a myriad of different types of women out there, you need to learn how to deal with them too.

 

Experience is king. Do social experimentation with as many different women as you can. The sooner you do that, the faster your percentage will improve. And remember, social experimentation is to try different approaches, do different things, and that's not just "the approach", but change yourself too. Try different things, try the fake confidence thing, try the devil may care thing. Go to different venues to meet women. Eventually you'll zone in on a set of methods that are working reasonably well, and that you are happy with.

[Dust]

Oh, it may work with some girls indeed, although probably not this one. Which is a good thing. It is the girls like Dust's gf that give the rest of us who say 'no' and mean it a bad name. Could be partly why some guys think it's okay to force themselves sexually onto a date even though she'd just pushed their groping hands off her breasts. That's just taking it one step further, after all.

 

You give yourself a bad name when you start blaming women for the bad things some guys do. My gf is a gift to this world that I feel lucky to have in my life. I’m actually confused why you would personally attack me and use her as a negative example. Is it because I mentioned how she declined my first date request but then we did end up going out? I fail to see how that makes her an example of a negative woman when she is the greatest I have ever known.

 

This advice is specifically meant to motivate somedude81 and I guess any one else who reads and is in his position. He strikes me as a guy who knows what it is to take it to far. What I say here cannot turn a person into something they are not.

 

My advice was always for him to be himself. A version of himself who isn’t afraid to try all the things he wants to try. He wants to kiss this girl there for he should try to kiss her. My advice was never for him to pin her down. My advice was for him to go in close and then to kiss her. I just think its lame to say “May I kiss you?” A lot better to just go in and do it.

 

 

Well, I guess it doesn't really hurt you to keep going after her as long as this obsession isn't hurting other areas of your life. Popular belief is that time is 'a waste' if it is not spent either in a relationship, or at least getting laid lots or chasing plenty of potential relationships at one time so as to 'maximise gain'. I disagree. If you go after someone for a year and fail, you learn a lot about yourself and life in the process.

 

I would say honestly that your chances seem to be rather low with this one though.

 

 

He enjoys the time he spends with her and he should continue doing so with out stressing himself out with his own judgments. That’s why he has such a hard time dealing with rejection. If he just enjoyed himself regardless of how things turned out he would already have a gf.

 

The truth is he is obsessed. He needs to realize that at this point he doesn’t really know her in a romantic sense. They’ve never even kissed. It’s unhealthy for him to be obsessed and so focused on one girl who may ever only be a friend. I think he should keep trying but with joy whether she dumps him or not. He should try with other girls also.

 

This has gone on way to long and you really have no real updates. I hope this weekend brings updates in the situation. Try to kiss her. Lean in close, see if she lets your face get close to hers. Hold it there and then kiss her.

 

Try with other girls if this isn’t working out.

[somedude81]

Of course I want to kiss her, I want to do everything with her. But I have to respect her wishes. If it was up to me, I'd be having sex with her for a few months already. But I can't decide that. I'm not going to ask, "May I kiss you." But I will see how she reacts to other intimate activities and physical contact. If she seems to start become comfortable with my touch, then I'll look for her signals and kiss her. Doing it too soon would cause major damage.

 

I've never known anybody in a romantic sense. While it may be unhealthy to be obsessed with one girl before I've done anything with her, it's pretty normal for me. For most of my life, I've always been obsessed with one girl or another. And I never really got anywhere with them.

 

Updates, nothing really. For the heck of it I asked her if she wanted to see X-Men this weekend but she told me that she is working. When she declines an invitation she always gives a reason, so I never know if it's a straight no. I'll just assume it is. I'll leave her alone for now and call her in a couple a couple days and see if she wants to hang out when she's off.

[runner]

...I'll slightly push the boundaries till I find out where her walls are. Her walls are also moving. A few months ago she refused to see me off campus. Things are slowly changing with her.

 

i kinda doubt that. you tried once, she put you in the friendzone, and now she assumes you're happy being just friends with her and is building confidence with you as a friend. where do you think the stiff arm thing was coming from- cos she was suddenly playing hard to get ?

 

Yeah, I've never understood that. I wonder if I may have too much respect for women though as I never try anything.

 

it's not about the woman, it's about you. you don't have enough respect for yourself; honesty in what you truly want; and the courage to take a chance. sure you might have taken a chance before, but then you fall at the first hurdle; cower away and crawl back into that box of safety.

 

Nah, my obsession is hurting anything...

 

you're hurting yourself by not allowing yourself to grow. obsession is like listening to a broken record (which is what most of your threads/posts are beginning to sound like).

 

As I said before, I just can't forget about this girl. If it wasn't obvious, I'm completely obsessed with her. I've desperately wanted a girlfriend for a very long time, so it's hard to walk away from an "opportunity" no matter how bleak it looks...

 

this is only an opportunity to continue an unhealthy obsession. you can change it if you put the effort into it.

 

...I also really like her as a person....

 

i'm sure you do, but she's not your gf. and your chances don't look good at this point of that ever happening.

 

So with those things combined, I can only move on, if she makes me. Or if I somehow end up with another girl.

 

with that said, your balls are in her hands. take them back, control yourself and control the situation.

[SxB]

STOP BEING A DOORMAT. SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU.

 

Take her off the pedestal, cut contact with her, and start a moving on process.

 

She can see you like her and she doesn't give a shi*t, when you spend time together she will use you for something.

 

The only thing you like about her is her looks, dude, that can be replaced, as can pretty much anything else. I know that's hard to believe right now, but some day when you get sick of being miserable you will see it's truth. Some day you will put yourself first on account of your OWN happiness.