hoping2heal Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I really hate to keep making threads about a girl. I don't want to seem that I only have one goal but I can't get this girl out of my head Yesterday I had a really good conversation with the girl I'm infatuated with and we finally got to talking about us. She's rejected me a couple of times before, but we never really talked about why. Little bit of background in case somebody doesn't know. She's 21, nerdy/geeky, awkward and goofy but really nice and fun to be around. So after a bit of small talk yesterday, we got to the heart of the matter that I want to date her, but she just doesn't want to date at all. For whatever reason, she just isn't interested in dating. We clarified that she's never had a boyfriend and that she's never even liked a guy in that way. She's never gone beyond feeling that a guy may be cute. We were talking about why I like her so much and she thinks it's because she's more masculine than most girls, so I can relate to her better. That makes sense and there's also the fact that she's pretty, which I regret not saying to her. I mentioned how we have a lot of common interests, but then she brought up that the stuff that I invite her to, like going salsa dancing or just working on in the gym are things she doesn't like to do. I don't really mind that she doesn't like doing physical stuff and I'd be happy doing what she wants to do. I know she likes art, aquariums, anime/video games, so there are lots of places we could go. She knows I like her and is fine with spending some time with me. She mentioned that she likes having lunch with me but she doesn't want to really go anywhere off-campus till she "knows me better." Which I think is odd because she's already been to my apartment a couple of times. Doesn't that also imply that she would be open to going to places (dates?) with me when she feels more comfortable? We've had two semesters of class together and she spent quite a bit of time with me after class last semester. I'm not exactly a stranger to her. Heck I've already been to her house and met her Mom and brother. So what does she mean by knowing me better? But then she reiterated that she doesn't want to date anybody. Then she said how she's been fine with being single and I said that she doesn't really know about relationships since she's never been in one. She said that her friends have dated so she's kind of known by proxy but she really hasn't had any desire to see for herself. I then asked if she was curious. She looked at me, smiled, her eyes changed and she said, "Curious about what?" "Well that too" I said with a smile. "No, not really." I think that was a flat out lie. Though it's easy to understand why she would lie about not being curious about sex. Towards the end of the conversation she said something like; "I don't know why you keep trying, I'm not worth it." I asked her if she has confidence in herself, and after a pause she said she has enough. She then added that she doesn't want me to be "lamenting" over her. She did mention that she prefers that I stop chasing her, but she's not going to hate me because I like her. I would love some insight because there are some things she said that really stuck out and I get the feeling that she's not being fully honest with me or herself. Not to be a d!ck, but I'm gonna go with a lesbian or a-sexual. Based on how she is acting, more than likely a lesbian. I've had a few gay friends who acted similar - they acted like they just weren't interested in guys, or relationships yada yada yada - never really thought of boys that way, but they weren't actually comfortable being lesbian either so it was all twisted. Sounds like this is where your girl is at. Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Sounds like you have a long grueling adventure ahead of you, SD. I, unfortunately, tried this a few times in the past, and totally regret wasting my precious time trying to convince a woman why I'm a good catch. Your persistence is 1000 times greater than mine, because after the first rejection, I doubt I'd continue trying. And since I've rarely seen success in situations like this, it'd be nice if your pursuing would actually lead to you yielding some good results. Well, all I can say is good luck, pal. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Sounds like you have a long grueling adventure ahead of you, SD. I, unfortunately, tried this a few times in the past, and totally regret wasting my precious time trying to convince a woman why I'm a good catch. Your persistence is 1000 times greater than mine, because after the first rejection, I doubt I'd continue trying. And since I've rarely seen success in situations like this, it'd be nice if your pursuing would actually lead to you yielding some good results. Well, all I can say is good luck, pal. Yea - everything said here I would say as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Just to make things clear. I'm not an idiot. I know she doesn't like me. All I can do, is hope I eventually get lucky. Luck is when opportunity meets preparation. I am prepared. All I can do is wait for the hints of an opportunity to present itself. Odds are it won't happen. But to me, it's worth trying for. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I've never known anybody in a romantic sense. While it may be unhealthy to be obsessed with one girl before I've done anything with her, it's pretty normal for me. For most of my life, I've always been obsessed with one girl or another. And I never really got anywhere with them. And this is not a good clue to perhaps you should STOP doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 And this is not a good clue to perhaps you should STOP doing that? You think it's something I can control? You think I enjoy getting very strong feelings for people I never have a chance with? Give me a break. I would go asexual if I could. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 You think it's something I can control? You think I enjoy getting very strong feelings for people I never have a chance with? I would go asexual if I could. You’re a man! You technically have it in you to **** a girl James Bond style, then kill her because she turns out to be an enemy spy who was trying to kill you. Stop playing so helpless. There certainly are things you can’t control like whether she gives a damn about you. Things you can’t control aren’t worth stressing about. The thing you can control is you. If you’re out of control then its because you decided it. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 You think it's something I can control? Yes. In fact I control it, and many other people do as well. You think I enjoy getting very strong feelings for people I never have a chance with? Apparently you do enjoy it. Here you are showered with excellent advice, and all you want to do is go back to your little cave and feel sorry for yourself. Good luck keeping trying at something that doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Apparently you do enjoy it. Yes, I definitely enjoy the daily thoughts of suicide. Go (fill in the blank). Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I know what obsession is like and I know what it's like having unrequited feelings for someone it's not something that you can just get over. It's not a light switch that you can just flip one way or another. Life isn't so black and white. But somedude, are you getting any type of counseling for any of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 I know what obsession is like and I know what it's like having unrequited feelings for someone it's not something that you can just get over. It's not a light switch that you can just flip one way or another. Life isn't so black and white. But somedude, are you getting any type of counseling for any of this? I've been in and out of therapy for years. My longest stint was about seven months. It doesn't do crap. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Were you willing to take the suggestions of your therapist? I know a good doctor is hard to find, but once you find someone the right person could help you work through some of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks for the help but I'm not going to post in this thread again until I have an actual update. Link to post Share on other sites
SxB Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 "Just to make things clear. I'm not an idiot. I know she doesn't like me." Yet you stay around hoping she will like you, when some one really dislikes you that doesn't change, this isn't a Movie dude, you don't get the concept of when some one dislikes you, and that affects how you see things, which ultimately effects how you will handle things. It wouldn't matter if you learned how to fly an airplane and drawed up her name in the sky, she still wouldn't like you. But hey suit yourself, sounds like you have it all worked out, after all you seem to be in a position you like. "You think I enjoy getting very strong feelings for people I never have a chance with?" Emotions are a choice. You are just being driven by your little man. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) Huh, have you guys never seen anyone have long-term crushes before? I'll freely admit that I've had a few that didn't turn into relationships. Everyone whom I've spoken to about relationships, has admitted to having at least one lasting several months. Were they a waste of time? With decent control of your life - no. I don't need to spend every weekend on a date with yet another potential partner, and I don't need to spend every day of my life in a relationship. As long as it didn't affect other areas of my life, the crush was harmless - it was pretty much the same as being single, except that you get caught up in nice daydreams sometimes. It's a natural and pretty enjoyable feeling. Stop banging on the dude for being human. Edited June 5, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
SxB Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 "Stop banging on the dude for being human." WAIT a second let me get something S T R A I G H T with YOU- Link to post Share on other sites
SxB Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I don't bang other dudes. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Huh, have you guys never seen anyone have long-term crushes before? I'll freely admit that I've had a few that didn't turn into relationships. Everyone whom I've spoken to about relationships, has admitted to having at least one lasting several months. Were they a waste of time? With decent control of your life - no. I don't need to spend every weekend on a date with yet another potential partner, and I don't need to spend every day of my life in a relationship. As long as it didn't affect other areas of my life, the crush was harmless - it was pretty much the same as being single, except that you get caught up in nice daydreams sometimes. It's a natural and pretty enjoyable feeling. Stop banging on the dude for being human. guys and girls are pretty damn different. I think I'm going to have to say that they are so different in regards to long term crushes negatively impacting their lives that your analogy borders on not being valid. That said, dude you could do so much better things with your time. I would look into other things to work on, rather than pining over some hoe who barely gives you the time of day. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 guys and girls are pretty damn different. I think I'm going to have to say that they are so different in regards to long term crushes negatively impacting their lives that your analogy borders on not being valid. That said, dude you could do so much better things with your time. I would look into other things to work on, rather than pining over some hoe who barely gives you the time of day. Really? What's so different about the way they have crushes on people of the opposite sex? If guys are generally more negatively affected by LT crushes, as you say, then should it really be as easy as some people here are claiming, for him to snap his fingers and get over it? I know in my case it took me months each time, which is as long as crushes usually last anyway. Also, off-topic, but the referral to girls as 'hoes' between guys just irks me, except perhaps in jest. HUGE red flag in a guy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 A man who is a slave to his long-term crush, as the pursuer, focuses on that crush to the exclusion of all other pursuits. A woman can have a crush on a man and still enjoy the attention and ego boost of other men pursuing her. She may only have eyes for one, but her ego enjoys the *feeling* of the many who have eyes for her. A man has a much different experience, if his psychology is to focus on one only. It is very rare that such a man will be pursued by random women. It's a different, often lonely existence. I have nothing additional to add. I will say that any woman who refuses a friendly hug will be no friend of mine. That's rank. Hope you figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 A man who is a slave to his long-term crush, as the pursuer, focuses on that crush to the exclusion of all other pursuits. A woman can have a crush on a man and still enjoy the attention and ego boost of other men pursuing her. She may only have eyes for one, but her ego enjoys the *feeling* of the many who have eyes for her. A man has a much different experience, if his psychology is to focus on one only. It is very rare that such a man will be pursued by random women. It's a different, often lonely existence. I have nothing additional to add. I will say that any woman who refuses a friendly hug will be no friend of mine. That's rank. Hope you figure it out. Ah, fair enough. I think the hugs part depends on culture. Where I come from it's extremely unusual for a woman to hug a platonic male friend - hugs are strictly woman-to-woman only. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Ah, fair enough. I think the hugs part depends on culture. Where I come from it's extremely unusual for a woman to hug a platonic male friend - hugs are strictly woman-to-woman only. yeah, it is different depending on where you are. where i'm from we hug and kiss the neighbors. even friends'/family members' wives. not doing so would be considered creepy. every trip to thanksgiving dinner starts with a cheek kiss for every woman in the room. /shrug Edited June 6, 2011 by thatone Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Male and female friends don't hug in the UK? Really? Link to post Share on other sites
welikeincrowds Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Somedude, daily suicidal thoughts are an emergency. It is imperative that you search for a doctor who will help you immediately. This is no different from having daily pain in your chest. If you haven't found a doctor who knows how to help you, then you must find another opinion from a better qualified specialist. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Male and female friends don't hug in the UK? Really? If that was directed at me, I am definitely not from the UK. Not sure where OP's girl is from though. Link to post Share on other sites
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