reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by Kate .... The guy who had a crush on me for a few years and now I am dating takes me for granted. Although he is sweet, sensitive and caring, I give him more affection in terms of time and all the little things. Today is Easter and I invited him to lunch with my family. When we were done, he asked me to drop him off at his cousin's house -- and then asked me what I was doing. This makes me feel like he is embarrassed or ashamed of me, and I'm really hurt. I don't know if he was too shy to ask his aunt or what -- but it's the little things like this that hurt us. I don't know how I'm going to address this, but what's done is done -- the point is, he didn't think. ... I lifted this from another thread, and felt it better to put my reply here. It's topical enough right now to warrant its own discussion. True enough, he didn't think - and is probably embarrassed at his own stupidity. He could have asked upon arrival - on the other hand, had his aunt refused - having been put on the spot like that - it would have been just as awkward for you as well. I have noticed family policies tend to differ regarding holidays and significant others. Some feel certain holidays should be family-only (such as Christmas and Easter), while others (such as the 4th of July) are acceptable for bringing guests. In other cases, all holidays are wide open. These families make enough food to feed a third world country, and family members are encouraged (even expected) to bring others. In the instance cited above, I would say not to read anything more into it than what I've already said - at least for now. I should have checked other posts to see how long they have been dating, but wanted to get this on the board quickly (before my computer boots me in mid-post!). If it's a fairly new relationship, let it slide this time while you learn the family dynamic. Perhaps by starting this thread, we could have others' experiences on here, good and bad, and learn different ways of dealing with all kinds of situations on the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Hi -- well I just sent him a text message because I wanted to get it over with and out of my system so as not to stew over it and blow up later -- I said, "I know it's family and all, but I'm a little hurt you wouldn't invite me today. Are you ashamed/embarrased of me?" He called me back 3 times in the last 15 minutes but I really don't want to talk to him -- I care for him very much and know it was probably a stupid oversight on his part, but it makes me feel so mad and hurt to think about the way I was feeling when I dropped him off. I am friends with his cousin (he dated me sister for 3 years!), know his aunt, and there were friends of his cousin outside in the yard. Also, his brother and brother's girlfriend were there. What gives? Well I will find out I suppose, I am not ready to talk to him until I relax. I know it's not the biggest deal in the world, but he knew ahead of time he was going and didn't even invite me. He SHOULD feel like an a**h***. Especially since I just invited him out with my Dad, stepmother and her two kids. THAT's potentially more "uncomfortable" than him inviting me to somewhere he knows I know the people!! Any more thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 I am not ready to talk to him until I relax. Smart move - that's the best thing to do right now. I figure it's probably a bit early in the day to see more input right now. The early Easter dinner crowd is at it as we speak - we'll probably see more ideas later on, after they've hit the Pepto-Bismol! Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I am almost too embarrased to talk to him! Like the fact that I even mentioned it in the first place was embarrassing to ME. But HE should be, no? I don't know why, but I am REALLY offended and hurt by this!! Do I have just cause to be? I can't help the way I feel. I feel like I don't want to talk to him at all. Is he going to think I'm nuts or overreacting? Do you think I am? The way I feel is that regardless of WHAT hesitancy he was having, there is just no excuse I can think of on his part...I invited him with me, he knew he was going to his cousin's ahead of time and DIDN'T invite me. It doesn't matter WHY, what matters is that he should be considerate enough to realize that all that tells me is that I am not a priority. I guess I need a few hours to chill...I just can't believe how hurt I am. It feels wierd. But him not inviting me is WIERD...wouldn't YOU be offended? Given the history that I gave you on us?? Help, I'm in a tizzy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I am realizing that it's not just this that I am mad about...it seems like he doesn't stick up for me or vouch for me overall...and I don't get it ...his friends think I am the hottest thing since JLO, but when he talks to them on the phone and we are together and they ask what he is doing, he NEVER mentions he's with me and will literally dodge it. Granted, I do hang out with his friends and he acts fine then, but he will respond to them over the phone when they ask what he is doing with "nothing" -- and we could be in the middle of dinner or whatever. I KIND of understand that...but it doesn't end there...when I brought him to lunch today, we ran into someone he knows well ( actually we went to their wedding and I wore an extremely tacky outfit as a joke -- but it was new years eve! and my guy thought it was hilarious -- i'm a big jokester... ) and the guy said, "Who are you here with?" And my guy said, "Just family and friends..." And I was standing RIGHT next to both of them! what the hell is that all about? If he was embarrased cause of the outfit I wore to the wedding ( totally 80's Madonna outfit, very funny though... ) then why did he encourage me to wear it? and why wouldn't he say, "hey, this is so-and-so...remember she was at your wedding with me??" I know my guy is shy in general, but this is spineless and rude behavior. Does he perhaps feel like he's not good enough for me or something? Without completely boasting and you thinking I'm a jerk, it's a known fact that I am a fantasy girl of all of his friends. He tells me (and so do his friends ) how lucky he is to have such a hot girl who is outgoing and funny and doesn't care what others think (within REASON!). So what is the problem here? ALSO, the first time we started dating he took me to a party...and literally ignored me...it was like he was embarrassed what other people would think when he was with me! Because a lot of people don't understand me... I am super-nice, but outgoing, extroverted, wear tight sexy clothes and smile a lot and laugh...and that intimidates the idiots who live in my town and that I went to highschool with....I have travelled a lot and have learned how important it is to be myself, but other people see my confidence as cockiness..and I NEVER am...I am respectful, courteous and the first one to befriend the person who doesn't fit in in a social setting....is my guy just too worried about what others think? If so, that's not what I want .. because it is a big slap in the face to me and it hurts. And I am a very sensitive and caring girl who would never sell out on account of what others think. HELP!! Feedback, please!!! I already drank my Pepto! Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Nuts? Overreacting? No, not at all. He was inconsiderate, even downright insensitive. And he should have at least made an attempt, especially considering how there were others there with guests (brother's girlfriend, cousin's friends). If you can recall, what did he say to you in the calls he made following your text message? I can understand not wanting to talk to him right now - I don't blame you. You are right that this needs to be addressed, and done from a calmer position than you are in right now. I agree. I'm thinking at the moment he might even cut his visit there short and try to sort this out with you. Can't say for sure that this a probability, just a possibility. But you will want to be in a position of strength should this happen. Just saw your additions....will take a look right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I am entirely sick of the little things he doesn't do at this point, combined with this. Thank you so much for your support. Without it, I would probably just feel weak and end up telling him that I'm just being oversensitive. I ALWAYS take the blame for things when they go wrong...because I hate problems...but this one I can't let go of. I did not pick up the phone when he called me 3 times. That was almost an hour ago now and he hasn't called me back. Probably eating dinner again. WHY do you think he would act like this??? I am leaving for vacation and a business trip in 4 days...he will be without me...and hopefully not taking me for granted. How do you suggest I maintain a position of strength from here on out? It seems that a lot of the things he does indicate I am not a priority to him. He has understandably justified it by saying that he got out of a 4 year relationship one month prior to dating me...but I really feel that that is an excuse. I think he is overwhelmed at the amount of affection and consideration I give him, and can't give it back cause he doesn't know what to do with it. I am sick of feeling taken for granted, always being the first to apologize for problems, always being the first to call him to make plans, always being the first to hold his hand or kiss him, always the first to address and share my feelings. He is going to ruin things if he keeps this up. This is what my first boyfriend did...then I broke up with him and it ruined his life -- or so it seems....and my first boyfriend was very insecure about me....do you think insecurity has something to do with it?? Please, more comments on this thread as well as the one I wrote before that started "IN ADDITION..." THanks....again... Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 My family is open to all, we have gatherings that push 60 people. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 so, what, are you like inviting me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Does he perhaps feel like he's not good enough for me or something? Knowing that he is shy in general, that is indeed a possibility. There could be some subconscious relationship sabotage going on, but hard to say for certain unless I could get inside his head. ....is my guy just too worried about what others think? ... I'm thinking if that were the case, he would not have gotten together with you to begin with. There's a combination of the shyness and lack of consideration (this tends to come with a lot of guys that age, if he is around yours). It makes for one hell of a huge fish to fry. You have indeed gone through more than enough, from what I've seen. It's time for that heart to heart talk. I can't say for certain what will be the outcome, I only wish you the best. And thank you for your patience. I can be pretty slow to post sometimes - my fingers move way faster than my brain, and I try to think of all possibilities in a given situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism My family is open to all, we have gatherings that push 60 people. Could be, Kate. DA is generous like that. I take you have a pretty big place. Around here, 60 people in a rowhouse is akin to a major fire code violation in a public place! But that still doesn't stop some folks from opening their doors and squishing 'em all in! Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 no i wasnt inviting you, it was not directed at you, but more at the original post of whether or not familes allow for just family or more people. But if you are hot then yeah you can come. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 we have actually had several in the past month. you can refer to what i said about his ex and how he is emotionally drained. but is he also drained in consideration? could it be that he has it too good and doesn't know what to do with it? i feel like i am always going to him, and he probably doesn't get it. he has no idea what it feels like not to have me there all of the time...like last night, i went out with my friends...and wore rediculous bunny ears...and called him at 2am and showed up at his house and woke him up by hopping up and down in front of the window like a rabbit. i thought is was cute and so did he. we had amazing sex and i left in the am to change for lunch. it's little things like that i will do to keep things boiling and interesting...am i giving him too much? it hurts because i WANT to though...but i just don't feel that he has EVER gone out of his way for me like I have for him...and when i drive him around ( he doesn't have a car right now because he sold his and is shopping a new one ) everywhere or let him borrow my car, he doesn't even offer to put gas in it. these are things he should just DO. but...because i am aLWAYS there...he won't get it until I am not. why are guys so ****ing stupid? and, yes, he is 26 and has only had 1 serious relationship, and dated only a few girls short term prior. what can you say about all of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 i hope you knew i was being sarcastic...but, yes...i have been told i am hot...so can i come? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 he asked me to drop him off at his cousin's house -- and then asked me what I was doing When he asked you what you were doing, what was your answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by reasontosigh Could be, Kate. DA is generous like that. I take you have a pretty big place. Around here, 60 people in a rowhouse is akin to a major fire code violation in a public place! But that still doesn't stop some folks from opening their doors and squishing 'em all in! We have it in the country, so 60 people s nothing, i havnt gone in awhile with school. So kate yeah you can come visit me, got a pic? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I peed in the punchbowl at my ex's family's Christmas party one. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Hi... It was brief, he said "so what are you going to do today..." and i was like "relax..." but at that point i hadn't fully gaged how i was feeling. i always try to deny my feelings by telling myself I don't deserve to feel that way. What is your opinion aout everything else i have written about him?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin I peed in the punchbowl at my ex's family's Christmas party one. Nothing like adding a little extra flavor, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 Holy crap that's hilarious! How did you manage that one? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by Kate .... but at that point i hadn't fully gauged how i was feeling. i always try to deny my feelings by telling myself I don't deserve to feel that way. It's okay to remain calm until having figured out your actual feelings. But I think the part about denying your feelings is a problem - the stress buildup if you do it enough times must be unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I shouted to everyone, "Hey, look over there!" and everyone looked where I pointed, and while they were distracted, I took care of business. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 yes it is unbearable. i don't know at times whether i am coming or going. but i shouldn't have to make excuses for the way i FEEL either...i'm trying...for example this is a really big deal to me. is it ok if he doesn't think it's a big deal and i do? i always try to just get along and i'm afraid of having problems with him because i love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reasontosigh Posted April 11, 2004 Author Share Posted April 11, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin I shouted to everyone, "Hey, look over there!" and everyone looked where I pointed, and while they were distracted, I took care of business. Now I really have to know....anybody sample the punch after that!? Link to post Share on other sites
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